Relationship Rescue
by Nocturnalux
Summary: Shingen has a solution to the ongoing strife between Shizuo and Izaya: Dr. Phil. The good doctor vows to get to the source of it all and expose the well-known truth that hate is often a cover for other feelings.
1. Chapter 1

**Pairing: **Shizuo/Izaya

**Prompt: **Help/Advice from Oprah and Dr. Phil.

* * *

><p>Shingen was contemplating the overpass and wondering if he should adjust the filter of his mask to purify the heavily polluted air. He was about to ask Shinra about it when a vending machine came hurling through the air and landed far too close for comfort.<br>"Izaya-KUN!"  
>Shizuo barged into the scene, wielding what seemed to be a traffic sign and swinging it a wide arc so that it knocked down a small crowd and still managed not to as much as scratch the target, i.e., a very cocky Orihara Izaya.<br>"My, Shizu-chan. I really can't talk with you when you're like this."  
>"I told you, once, twice, a million fucking TIMES to stay away from 'bukuro!"<br>"Ah yes, I seem to remember something to that effect. But what can I say, this city loves me too much for me to stay away."  
>Shizuo growled something in lieu of words and dashed blindly ahead. Izaya waited until the very last moment to twirl away and thus allow Shizuo to crash into a concrete wall. Izaya stood on the pavement laughing in that borderline psychotic way of his. But he was in for a rude awakening when someone pulled him by an ear. Hard enough to hurt.<br>"Young man, you are bringing shame to your parents by acting like a goon."  
>Izaya turned around and was ready to produce his switchblade when he recognized the gas mask.<br>"Hello, if it isn't Kishitani senior. And Shinra, too."  
>"Can't you just avoid Shizuo? How long have you two been fighting like cats and dogs for? It's been years."<br>Shizuo pulled himself from the pile of rubble and bounced to his feet, spinning around to find the bane of his existence.  
>"IZAYA!"<br>"Shinra, do you know these two?"  
>Shinra sighed and adjusted his glasses.<br>"Unfortunately."  
>Shizuo spotted them.<br>"You flea, using Shinra as a shield?"  
>Shingen crossed his arms and stepped between the two sworn antagonists.<br>"And you too, acting like a ruffian. Don't you have any shame?"  
>"What's on your face?"<br>Izaya cackled in the background.  
>"Shizu-chan doesn't know what a gas mask is. It figures he wouldn't, his brain has yet to evolve into human standards. Keep working at it."<br>"You young people need an intervention. And I know just the person to do it."  
>Shizuo was a tad puzzled.<br>"Shinra, who's this fellow?"  
>"That's my father."<br>Shizuo muttered something to the effect of his being sorry but of course Shingen was on a roll now and not inclined to listen.  
>"Young people nowadays lack proper respect for their elders and for common property. It is a great problem with Japan but it just so happens that I am on good terms with doctor Phil and I can get you a slot on his show. I believe that-"<br>Izaya bounced forward.  
>"Kishitani-san, if you're paying for the trip then you can count me in. I'd absolutely love to visit the States."<br>Shizuo flailed, causing the sign post to go clattering against the pavement where it left marks.  
>"Eh? I'm not going to no America with the louse!"<br>"Young man, you are going, like it or not. If you're my son's friends then I have the responsibility to educate you since your own parents clearly did not do a proper job. No wonder Japan is going down the drain with hoodlums such as yourselves running around causing trouble for everyone."  
>Shinra intervened with a bright smile.<br>"Orihara-kun, Shizuo, just think of it as a holiday. Everyone needs a change of scenery every now and then, right? And when was the last time you actually left Tokyo?"  
>Shizuo scratched his hair and Shingen was reminded anew of the weird fashions that were en vogue with the younger generations. Completely missing the fact that a gas mask was quite a fashion statement.<br>"It was that time we went on a school trip."  
>"See, a long time ago. So I say you just go to America and enjoy yourself to the fullest."<br>Shizuo frowned. Unpleasant memories were creeping in.  
>"Ages ago but I still remember that the louse there ruined everything. Like he always does."<br>"I had a lot of fun that time. I remember it as if it was yesterday."  
>Shinra could tell that this tentative truce was about to crumble away and so he nodded affably, being at his most friendly.<br>"That was the past. Shizuo, you should really go. What do you have to lose? If it goes bad you can always kill Orihara-kun later."  
>"Hmm...true."<br>"Shinra, that hurts. It really does. I thought that we were friends."


	2. Chapter 2

It took little convincing to get Tom on board with the plan and in no time Shingen had prepared everything. And so it was that Shizuo found himself on a plane to the United States of America not even knowing exactly to which of these States he was going to. Izaya took the long flight to chat with a few people and polish his English. As far as Izaya knew this was a leisure trip, a free one even, and as soon as he touched the ground he was making a run for it and having a blast on his own. All the talk about interventions and the like seemed like a waste of his precious time.  
>But Izaya's plan was foiled by Shingen again grabbing his ear and dragging him to the studio along with a muttering Shizuo who was more subdued than usual. Thing was, Shizuo was simply confused. He had no idea who Dr. Phil was and when he was ushered before a live audience he could not understand why the crowd began to shriek madly at the entrance of a fat moustached man with a balding head. And it seemed no one was about to explain it to him in a language he could understand. Then a black lady arrived and the crowd screamed so loudly that Shizuo was itching to go berserk and would have done so, too, were it not for the fact that the light suddenly flashed at him and nearly blinded him, thus stunning him completely.<br>Izaya sat on the cozy sofa and smiled his best smile. This might be fun after all.  
>"Hello y'all. We are here with two overseas folk in need of some guidance. Izaya Orihara-"<br>"I hate to interrupt but I do prefer the Japanese order better. So make that 'Orihara Izaya'."  
>"Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima have known each other since their high school days where they developed a very negative relationship. That persists to this day with increasing episodes of violence, 'mkay? Clearly, things have got to change. We are calling this operation relationship rescue."<br>Izaya's eyebrow twitched just a bit.  
>"Like I said, that's 'Orihara Izaya'."<br>"Fucking louse."  
>Shizuo had no idea what was going on but there was never a shortage of opportunities for insulting Izaya or as Shizuo looked at it telling it like it was. Oprah opened her eyes so wide that Shizuo was afraid they'd drop from her head and said a bunch of things Shizuo could not even begin to understand.<br>"Let's take a look at a day in the life of these Japanese people."  
>And true enough massive screens popped out of nowhere and began to play footage of Shizuo's rampage and Izaya's troll ways. Complete with subtitles for the English speaking public. Izaya was impressed, Shingen must have hacked into quite a few surveillance cameras to get all this. And there was a dynamic soundtrack to go with the crazy demolishing mayhem as Shizuo hurled vending machines at Izaya. Shizuo mumbled something about stalkers.<br>Dr. Phil let the collective gasp from the audience fill the pregnant silence. Then he leant forward, widening his hands in a gesture of flabbergasted dismay.  
>"Tell me, how did things get to this point?"<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"Shizu-chan has anger issues. Severe ones."<br>Shizuo recognized his own name and snapped, picked up the sofa with Izaya on and was about to throw it when Izaya dashed to the edge of the slightly lifted platform.  
>"Izaya! Don't go talking about me to this fatso!"<br>Izaya switched to Japanese and responded with,  
>"I'll tell Big Brother whatever I want! And you can't catch me."<br>Odds were Shizuo could not but Shingen sure could and did.  
>"Not again, let go of me old man!"<br>"You die now, flea! Kill, kill, kill, KILL-!"

A few minutes of 'We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by' followed. After which the broadcast resumed with Shizuo in chains and Izaya looking exceedingly cross.  
>"Welcome back."<br>Dr. Phil did a recap on the case at hand and turned to Izaya.  
>"Let us start at the beginning, how did you first met?"<br>"It was shortly after the high school ceremony. A mutual friend introduced us and right away Shizu-chan brutally attacked me like the beastly creature he is. I have suffered much."  
>Izaya put on his most tortured look and got an 'aww' from all female public. Oprah opened her eyes in a rather distressing manner.<br>"And why did you react in such an irrational way?"  
>Dr. Phil asked Shizuo and Shingen translated.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

"Because I could tell right away he was a f*cking louse!"  
>"We don't swear on my set, mkay? We blip that on this show."<br>Shizuo glared at moustache man. Dimly, he felt that this fellow was against him but he still produced an answer.  
>"I could tell he was a filthy louse right away. I <em>knew<em> I'd hate his guts the moment I saw him, and it turns out I was right. He's been nothing but trouble with framing me-"  
>"Hold it right there. Back up for just a second. How can you just tell all that just by looking at him? That's prejudice."<br>As far as Shizuo knew it was so self-evident that Izaya had no qualities and was 'a fucking flea' that it was almost a personal affront that anyone could possibly fail to see this obvious fact of life. But he had heard Izaya described as cool on more than one occasion, it just went to show that people were messed up.  
>"He started it...attacking me with a switchblade."<br>"Excuse me, Shizu-chan but you attacked me first. I merely acted in self-defense. I cannot exactly be expected to let you pummel me to death, now can I?"  
>Dr. Phil turned to Izaya with a swift movement of his big body, it was so sudden that Izaya was almost sure he would topple over and come crashing down but he realized that Dr. Phil had probably mastered the art by pulling off this trick many a time. Izaya was almost impressed, it could not be easy for a fat man to do such a thing.<br>"Did you really frame him for a crime he didn't commit? What were you thinking!"  
>Izaya shrugged.<br>"I confirm nothing. If you'd like you can contact my lawyer on that subject."  
>Dr. Phil coughed and Izaya got the impression that he did not particularly like that line of action.<br>"Now look, this isn't just about you guys. It affects everyone in your lives. I have statements from your sisters, Izaya. Mairu says, 'I'd throw my big brother in front of a bus'. Clearly, you aren't exactly a model brother."  
>"That's quote mining. She said that she'd do that if she could meet Kasuka."<br>Shizuo leered dangerously, missing Shingen's translation and just catching his brother's name.  
>"Don't you bring Kasuka into this!"<br>"Not so fast, this Kasuka is your younger brother. My notes tell me that when you were both kids you tried to throw a fridge at him! Really? I mean, really?"  
>Dr. Phil did another crazy twist and bobbed his head as he repeated himself to drive home his disbelief. Shizuo stammer and flailed.<br>"I didn't mean to, it was an accident- I mean, I told him I was sorry...but he ate my dessert."  
>Izaya smiled placidly enough as he always did when he knew he had scored a point.<br>"Shizu-chan clearly has anger issues."  
>Dr. Phil swung back to Izaya.<br>"Oh no you don't. Don't think you're off the hook here. I mean, you know that Shizuo had a bad temper to say the least and you go out of your way to provoke him. How do you explain that?"  
>Izaya threw himself back on his seat and twirled his hands in a dismissive gesture, crossing a leg over a knee.<br>"I am an informant and it just so happens that the hottest town in Tokyo is Ikebukuro where Shizu-chan there works. It is hardly my fault that he is so territorial as to flip a lid every time I as much as come close to 'bukuro."  
>Dr. Phil rummaged through his many notes and Izaya wondered just how much information he had on them and who had leaked it. Probably Shingen and Shinra, the spastic medical duo as Izaya thought of them.<br>"About your job, isn't it borderline illegal? It seems that you have talked girls into jumping to their death. M'kay?"  
>The crowd gasped on cue. Oprah crept a bit closer to Shizuo and made a few passes at him. Fortunately Shingen did not translate these so Shizuo was left to think that the lady was just weird instead of her wanting to get into his pants. He did wonder if she was related to Simon.<br>"Now, Dr. Phil, it would be rather bad if you kept on making such allegations. I might get legal consultation."  
>Dr. Phil squirmed on his seat much to Izaya's delight. At this point Oprah interfered by latching unto Izaya.<br>"So is the blonde hunk single?"  
>"As far as I know he is. Do I get a free car now?"<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Dr. Phil leaned forward and stared at Izaya from a weird angle that made it seem as if he was looking down on him.  
>"These are your words, quote, 'I love humanity, all humans. Except Shizu-chan'. It's obvious that you're obsessed. It's a pathological attachment."<br>Shingen did translate this but it might as well not have since Shizuo had no idea what 'pathological' meant anyway. He was going to produce a cigarette from his vest but the chains made it difficult.  
>"It just so happens to be the truth. Shizu-chan is a beastly creature who has been foiling my plans for far too long."<br>Shizuo snorted loudly and with plenty of spite.  
>"'Plans' my ass, it's more of your plotting. Your 'job' is screwing people over, screwing <em>me<em> over, it goes to show you're rotten to the core."  
>Dr. Phil zeroed in on Shizuo and actually startled him.<br>"At least he has a job. According to my notes you have had over a hundred occupations since graduating high school. That's...a lot. And all your employers say the same, that you can't be managed due to your rampaging ways."  
>Izaya beamed at this and Shizuo cast him a furtive glance.<br>"I got a job now, with Tom-san. Collecting debts. It might not be great but it works for me and at least it's an honest occupation."  
>Izaya snickered.<br>"Oh yes, every so honest. Somebody give the man a boyscout medal!"  
>"Izaya-"<br>Dr. Phil intervened by putting up his very hand in the air.  
>"Y'all, this is my show and I won't let you take over it."<br>"M'kay."  
>Izaya added this with a giggle. Dr. Phil peered into his eyes.<br>"You think you're funny, don't you."  
>"I try to be."<br>"Would you be surprised to know that of all the people who we interviewed not one of them actually thought that you were even remotely funny? To quote, 'Izaya is just creepy with that laugh of his.'"  
>Izaya merely shrugged. He would very much like to know who this 'we' was.<br>"What can I say, people fail to understand my comic genius."  
>"Haven't you heard that sarcasm is the last resort of the weak?"<br>Izaya sighed with some emphasis.  
>"Ah, I give up. I cannot win with you, doctor. By the way, doctor of what exactly? Psychology? Would you be so kind as to share your credentials?"<br>Dr. Phil leafed through his many notes.  
>"You're trying to change the subject so that your faults won't come to the surface by diverting the attention. And I got something to tell you. It won't work, pal."<br>While Izaya remained perfectly smooth he made a mental note to be a bit more careful and not to underestimate fat Texans with bad moustaches. And he resented being called pal. Meanwhile Shizuo had gathered that Izaya was being grilled and saw fit to mutter,  
>"I just want him to stay out of 'bukuro. That's all. Can't be all that difficult to do."<br>This time Shizuo did jump as Dr. Phil did another twist and turned to him.  
>"That's not true. I know that you went all the way to Shinjuku, to Izaya's house to be precise, with the explicit intent of killing him."<br>Shizuo gasped. And gasped some more.  
>"How do you know-"<br>"Nevermind that, m'kay? Fact is, you did it. And you may think I'm just a dumb American, hillbilly hick that doesn't know Shibuya from Ginza but I googled it so I know that Shinjuku is not Ikebukuro. So you couldn't exactly have just 'dropped by'."  
>Shizuo shifted as much as the chains allowed.<br>"'Cuz he's had it coming."  
>"In fact, you were about to throw a railing a him! A railing! More, just like Izaya always mentions how much he hates you even when it doesn't even have anything to do with, well, anything you always compare people you hate with him. I quote, 'I don't hate you as much as Izaya so this will do' or 'I hate you as much as I hate Izaya', etc. Don't you two see a pattern here?"<br>Silence. Izaya's was tactful, Shizuo's was prolonged even after the translation reached him. They exchanged the briefest of glances then looked away abruptly, Izaya to smile at some vacant point in the distance and Shizuo to stare at the floor in front of him. Izaya then stretched and broke the awkward silence.  
>"I suppose that you have established that our hatred is mutual."<br>Izaya was not exactly sure why he felt at a loss by making such an admission. After all it was common knowledge that they hated each other with a passion.


	5. Chapter 5

But he could tell that by the way Dr. Phil's small eyes twinkled with a hard edge that the good doctor, whatever his qualifications might be, was on to something.  
>"Huh uh and you think that it's normal to be that obsessed with someone you hate?"<br>The question was not addressed to anyone in particular so that both felt as if it was directly meant for him. Izaya would have been impressed by this method of extracting data but he was realizing very fast that being on the receiving end of such an inquiry was not half as fun as being the one fishing for juicy tidbits. Izaya coughed and shifted slightly on the plush sofa.  
>"Well, I suppose that we simply got into the habit of hating each other. It is part of the daily grind."<br>Dr. Phil swung dangerously and pointed a non-existing chin in Shizuo's direction.  
>"You agree with that?"<br>"I guess...hating him is natural, you know? Besides, all of my troubles started with Izaya-KUN."  
>Shizuo spoke normally enough but spat out the honorific as if it was an insult.<br>"That's not true. According to my notes, the fridge incident happened before you met him and your bouts of berserk destructions date far back too."  
>"It's just convenient for him to blame me for the fact that he is such a social misfit."<br>The formless chin was aimed at Izaya's direction this time.  
>"You, what does it say there?"<br>Dr. Phil pointed a pudgy finger and bigger than life lettering hanging on the wall.  
>"The Dr. Phil Show. I do know how to read. It is Shizu-chan who-"<br>"M'kay, doesn't say 'The Izaya Orihara show', now does it?"  
>Izaya's eyes narrowed sharply.<br>"That would be 'Orihara Izaya'."  
>"'Orihara FLEA', more like it."<br>This bit went untranslated as Dr. Phil charged Shizuo with a question immediately leaving Shingen to flail a bit.  
>"Back to your brother. Kasuka, am I right? He's an actor. How come he shows so little emotion when not acting?"<br>Shizuo shrugged and the chains rattled. Izaya crept to the farthest edge of the sofa.  
>"Dunno. Always been that way. Quiet like."<br>"Huh uh. And you don't think that you had anything to do with it?"  
>Shizuo started and the chains nearly shattered. Oprah gushed about sexy muscles and was ignored all around. Perhaps it would have been different if everyone had a free car.<br>"Me...? What do you mean?"  
>Izaya knew exactly what Dr. Phil was going for and he could not help but gloat happily. Dr. Phil adjusted his weight to his seat anew as if he was about to strike.<br>"Now, this is what I see. We have an older brother that can't hold his temper, flies off into fits of blind rage on little or no provocation and even tried to throw a fridge at his younger sibling. How do you suppose that would impact a younger child? Of course he'd retreat into apathy, the only displays of emotion he sees are destructive and harmful! Children take their cue from those around them! More, I know that in Japan older siblings are real important, m'kay? Don't think you can go tricking me just because I'm from Texas, I know a thing or two about your country. In Japan older siblings, particularly brothers, are looked upon as authority figures by younger siblings. The reason why Kasuka can't express his feelings unless he's on TV is because you stunted his emotional growth. These type of scars run deep and it takes years, _years_ of therapy to get them sorted out. Thing is, you're a complete failure as a big brother and you should be ashamed of yourself. Ashamed."  
>The impact of this tirade was not immediately felt because of the translation. But by the time Shingen was done playing the interpreter Shizuo was gaping wildly and tear eyed. It was so beautiful that Izaya wished he had a camera handy but then again he was recording the show and would rewatch this segment over and over again at his leisure. Through his elation he wondered if Dr. Phil's cultural notes were a bit set in another century but it did not matter because Shizuo was now sobbing openly and Izaya might as well be in heaven.<br>"Kasuka, I didn't mean to hurt you! I am sorry! Why do I always screw up, you're my precious little brother and I love you!"  
>At this Izaya could not repress a giggle. He regretted it almost right away because Dr. Phil did another crazy squirm and turned to him, full on.<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

"Do you think you have any right of making fun of him? I mean, really? How about _your_ siblings?"  
>Izaya tried to be dismissive with a shrug.<br>"Mairu and Kururi are very independent girls."  
>Dr. Phil leafed through his notes once more. Izaya was sure that he was not reading anything but just giving the impression that he had not memorized everything in good CIA fashion.<br>"Not much of a choice there, now was there? Who were they supposed to rely on? You?"  
>Dr. Phil made it sound as if such a possibility was utterly preposterous. Izaya tried to remain as smooth as possible.<br>"I am a strong believer in the emancipation of women and it begins with developing a sense of autonomy in girls from a young age."  
>"Huh uh. You just don't care much, do you?"<br>Izaya froze, his smile thinning into a shadow. Shizuo was still bawling and blabbering about how much he loved Kasuka and how sorry he was and that if he could only turn back time, he wouldn't be throwing fridges at him but would try his best to be a good nii-chan.  
>"It is not a matter of caring, it's a matter of preparing them for life."<br>By the way Dr. Phil moved his bulky body Izaya knew that he had just made a mistake.  
>"So, how's that working? Really, I want to know. Because my notes say that your sister Mairu sort of terrorizes the entire school, stealing bras, blackmailing, you name it. And your sister Kururi is an accomplice."<br>"They're twins, it figures that they'd stick together."  
>Dr. Phil widened his eyes in a way that meant he was outraged and you should be too.<br>"Let me see if I get this straight, you actually expect me to believe that their criminal behavior has nothing to do with you? Where do you think they learnt that it was okay to treat people this way?"  
>"To be fair there was a bully bothering them, especially Mairu, so it was retaliation."<br>"Huh uh. Fair enough. Would you say you're a normal family?"  
>"As normal as any modern Japanese in Tokyo can be, yes. I'm afraid you need to rethink your old fashioned ideas about older siblings being role models."<br>"In other words, they don't like you much."  
>Izaya did freeze. He did his best to appear as if it had not at all affect him but the damage was done.<br>"At least they are no codependent and can handle life without going 'Izaya-nii' every five minutes."  
>"That's because they know they can't trust you! What if they actually called to ask you for help, with say homework? You'd give some excuse and not bother helping! And then you make it seem as if you're doing them a favor in treating them this way!"<br>Izaya crossed and recrossed a leg over the knee and licked his lips. Fortunately for him Shizuo was blowing his nose on Oprah's hanky and the noise was so deafening that for a while the third degree had to stop. The chains came undone but Shizuo was not in a violent mood, tears still streamed down his cheeks.  
>"What can I do to get Kasuka to love me!"<br>Dr. Phil was visibly annoyed. He had his show timed to the millisecond and this interruption was unwelcomed especially since he needed to crack Izaya.  
>"We'll talk about that later, m'kay?"<br>"I'll do anything, anything!"  
>Izaya saw an opportunity here. He switched to very clipped Ikebukuro accented Japanese that he prattled on, very fast. As he expected, Shingen was clueless and could not understand a word.<br>"Moustache dude says it's too late, Kasuka totally hates you and wants you to die."  
>Shizuo gasped.<br>"Stop trolling, you gnat!"  
>"Woah, improving on our vocab, are we? I am impressed, I really am!"<br>They both switched to borderline dialect and Shingen was left wondering just what language young people were talking nowadays.  
>"Shut up!"<br>"You're just angry because I'm telling you the truth. The good doctor here knows that you'll never get Kasuka to like you. Sucks being you!"  
>Shizuo was gathering momentum for another bout of anger but buckets of cold water falling from the ceiling put an end to that. Dr. Phil almost got up. He did gesticulate wildly.<br>"Enough! You will stop provoking Shizuo and Shizuo, you must stop falling for it. How many times can you fall for the exact same trick? How many times?"


	7. Chapter 7

Izaya also wondered and he hoped that he would never find out. Shizuo muttered something.  
>"And you, Izaya. What's so fun about pushing his buttons? Shizuo is an easy target! You can't be all that great an informant if you pick the weakest link in the chain to mess with."<br>Izaya rolled his eyes.  
>"I hardly think Shizu-chan qualifies as 'weak'."<br>"Mentally, up here."  
>Dr. Phil tapped his temple, the light bouncing off his shiny bald head. Izaya shrugged.<br>"You can't blame me for the fact that he's a simpleton."  
>"M'kay, so what do you call someone who takes advantage of a simpleton to play mind games with? A jerk! That's what you call him! A jerk!"<br>Shizuo nodded as soon as the translation reached him. The lag made it look truly stupid since he only reacted after a delay thus giving the impression that he needed to turn things over, even the simplest of things. And Izaya bet it endeared Shizuo to the audience.  
>"That is your opinion."<br>"Oh no it isn't."  
>Dr. Phil smiled like a lawyer about to land a suit. Izaya did not at all care for it.<br>"I do not live by popular opinion."  
>"That's good because if you did you'd have to hide under a rock. All the people we interviewed were unanimous in saying that you're a jerk."<br>"You didn't ask Saki, then."  
>Dr. Phil ignored this altogether and made some notes with a pencil. Izaya would bet his apartment that he had not actually written anything.<br>"Tell me about this _nabe_ party of yours. To our viewers at home, _nabe_ is a kind of hot-pot dish and it's eaten when friends and family gather together. It's a very popular Japanese tradition, a bit like we have barbecue in Texas."  
>Izaya was beginning to wonder if Dr. Phil was only interested in the Texan audience and the other 49 States were simply not that important.<br>"Why, you did quite a lot of research on my country."  
>"Don't go dodging the bullet now, what happened with your <em>nabe<em> party?"  
>Izaya knew that he could not lie, this dreadful Dr. Phil must know everything about it. Shizuo stared curiously as if suddenly he too was interested.<br>"Well, you know how life in the big city is. People are always busy with one thing or another and they cannot spare a minute. Unfortunately that as what happened to my _nabe_ party. But I had a wonderful time with a beautiful woman, Yagiri Namie, around the hot pot table."  
>Izaya smiled as tamely as he could.<br>"Huh uh. The same Yagiri Namie that works for you? So, the only person you could get to actually come to your party works for you? And if I understand correctly, she did not even want to go either! She was afraid you'd fire her otherwise, m'kay?"  
>It was with difficulty that Izaya did strike back with a snappy retort. Shizuo chuckled.<br>"I assured you that we have a most wonderful time together."  
>"Even if you did, the fact remains that the one person that attended your party, reluctantly I may add, is on your payroll! More, it's hardly a party with just two people!"<br>"So it wasn't a party. It was an intimate date. I don't suppose you'd want to turn it into an orgy?"  
>Dr. Phil bobbed his head up and down in a dismissive attitude that Izaya truly loathed.<br>"How come none of you ever had a girlfriend?"  
>Shizuo blushed furiously and stammered something or other. Izaya shrugged anew. At length Shizuo gathered some of his bearings.<br>"I'm no good with girls, they're afraid of me...because I lose my temper and things fly, girls don't like me."  
>"And with good reason, m'kay?"<br>"I guess, m'kay."  
>Dr. Phil's eyes turned into bullets for the briefest of moments. Izaya noticed it. But Shizuo did not mean any harm, he just ended up adopting the expression.<br>"How about you? What's your excuse?"  
>He turned to Izaya now.<br>"I am not suited for relationships. But rest assured that I have a very healthy sexual life."  
>"Oh, I'm sure you do. A different girl every week?"<br>"It suits me and the girls involved as well so everyone wins. Feel free to ask them. Besides, relationships bore me. I get bored rather easily."  
>"Don't see you getting bored with Shizuo."<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

"I don't exactly have time to get bored when vending machines are landing around me and I have to run for my life."  
>"Which wouldn't happen if you didn't go to Ikebukuro, now would it? Folks at home may be wondering, Tokyo is a big city. I mean, big. Why do you keep on going to the one place where you <em>know<em> you'll run into Shizuo? It baffles the mind!"  
>"Folks at home may want to know that Tokyo isn't as big as Texas."<br>"Have you ever heard that the line between hate and love is a thin one?"  
>"I have, it's one of those clichés one keeps running into."<br>Shizuo frowned deeply as the translation reached him. He did not like this line of questioning, not one bit, it made him in fact very angry but he wanted Dr. Phil to help him with Kasuka.  
>"Huh uh and you don't see any of that going on here?"<br>Izaya lifted an eyebrow and then smiled slowly.  
>"Ah, I see what you're doing. Trying to hype your ratings with a steamy gay lovehate romance? I am sorry to disappoint you but there is nothing of the sort going on here."  
>Shizuo's frown darkened.<br>"Yeah, what he said."  
>"Do you know what 'denial' is?"<br>"A river in Egypt."  
>And Izaya was of course at his most serious.<br>"You think you're a funny guy, don't you. Well let me tell you something, Mister-"  
>"'Orihara'. People at home might find it interesting, this is how you write it!"<br>Izaya promptly wrote his name in big characters and waved them at the camera.  
>"You, stop changing the subject. We're not here to talk about your name, m'kay?"<br>Izaya humphed and crossed his arms peevishly enough.  
>"You're offending my culture. Knowing how to properly write someone's name is part of basic Japanese etiquette. Seems like you failed to find out <em>that<em> for all your research."  
>"I write 'Izaya' with the kanji for 'flea' and 'bastard'."<br>"And then you try to read them and realize you actually don't know how."  
>Dt. Phil spread his hands in a gesture of warning.<br>"Enough! We're not discussing etymology here. Have you heard of 'sublimation'?"  
>The question was aimed at Izaya and it did not shake him.<br>"Yes, but this I hardly see how that is at all relevant in this case."  
>"Why don't you tell folks at home what it is? Since you're a smart fella."<br>Dr. Phil leant forward so much that Izaya wondered how he did not simply capsize and come hurling down. He thought about humpty dumpty. Sitting on a wall, having a great fall etc. Izaya giggled but gathered himself.  
>"'Sublimation' is a psychological event in which a socially unacceptable pulsion is transformed or sublimated into another that can be integrated in the moral structure of the society in question or that the individual can rationalize without too much of a disconnect. For example, in some contexts violence is an expression of deeper erotic impulses that the individual in question is not equipped to handle-"<br>Izaya halted mid-sentence, his eyes widened slightly and he even missed the gloating look on Dr. Phil's pudgy face. Izaya was already sitting on the corner of the sofa most distant from Shizuo but he leapt over and hid behind it. Shizuo blinked since the translation did not mean anything to him.  
>"What the hell are you doing now?"<br>"You just stay right where you are. To think that all these years you wanted to rape me."  
>Izaya did not know what was more disturbing, the bare fact or that he had missed it so completely.<br>"_What_?"  
>"You heard me. Hey, Dr. Phil. Get security here."<br>Shizuo showed no signs of violence. He was simply puzzled and getting more confused by the second.  
>"What the hell is wrong with you now?"<br>Dr. Phil twirled his moustache in blatant self-satisfaction. Izaya loathed him and there was no sublimation involved.  
>"Will you drop the Kira 'Just as Planned' act and get security here! Oh the hell with it, I'm out of here."<br>Izaya made as if to dash away but Shingen saw it coming and detained him by the ear yet again.  
>"Young man, you're not going anywhere until you've had your medicine."<br>"Wait, what is that is even supposed to mean...? And let me go already! I'm calling my lawyers and will sue you all! Sue you _all_!"  
>This last bit he aimed at Dr. Phil who nodded as if he fully expected.<br>"M'kay, looks like you're becoming American."


	9. Chapter 9

"No need to insult me and will you let me go! I have witnesses, this is harassment!"  
>"You know, the audience? They're actually robots controlled by Oprah by remote control. And we edit this show."<br>It was at this point that Izaya began to feel seriously worried. Shizuo was still blinking and now scratched his head.  
>"What is going on...?"<br>Izaya gathered himself with difficulty. He was annoyed that only now did he realize that everyone in the audience looked exactly alike, probably the same model of robot manufactured in bulk. Model Suburban American Woman tm. And indeed there was Oprah bulging her eyes creepily as she dangled a remote control, her crazy hairdo having changed somehow into a puffed up Afro that Izaya associated with juvenile delinquents.  
>"Alright, I admit that you are probably right about Shizuo and his strange tendencies. I must say it is rather disturbing."<br>Dr. Phil smirked darkly.  
>"Oh it's not just Shizuo. It's you, too."<br>Izaya blinked rapidly. He was back to the sofa, one leg crossed over the other, still keeping a safe distance from Shizuo but trying to be smooth about it.  
>"I am not sure I follow."<br>As for Shizuo he did not follow anything at all and was in a state of complete confusion.  
>"Shinra's Dad, what gives? What is going on here?"<br>"Young man, my name is Kishitani Shingen and I appreciate it if you address me with proper respect as befits a man of my status."  
>Izaya's annoyance climbed a notch at this silly banter.<br>"What is going on, Shizu-chan is that I have been made to realize that down deep you want to rape me."  
>"<em>What the<em>?"  
>Dr. Phil did another dangerous looking leaning act and Izaya wondered if maybe he did fall every now and then and they simply edited it out. Humpty Dumpty had a moustached cousin no doubt. Shizuo turned his wide eyes from Izaya to Dr. Phil in the hopes of finally having an explanation.<br>"We got some footage, m'kay? Let us watch."  
>And footage they (whoever 'they' might be, Izaya suspected that it meant Dr. Phil and his CIA minions or perhaps Dr. Phil and all the king's men) had. A bigger than life screen appeared out of nowhere and showed a particularly heated chase scene in which Shizuo screamed his head out as he ran down a crowded street, vending machine held over his head as he dashed, Izaya barely visible as a slim dark figure bouncing away, fur fringe flitting in the air. And then Shizuo managed to corner him against a dead end alley and his attempt to hit such a slippery creature resulted in what for all practical purposes looked so much like foreplay that it might as well be that. Shizuo had ditched the machine somewhere along the line but he kept screaming at the top of his lungs, more, he kept screaming at the top of his lungs straight into Izaya's face. Their lips were so close it was difficult to believe they were not about to kiss.<br>Of course, Dr. Phil and co. did edit. By the time the footage was done playing a knowing murmur ran through the audience and Shizuo flailed intensely. Then blushed.  
>"It isn't like that! You didn't translate it, I said I wanted to <em>kill<em> the flea! Not do..._that_!"  
>Izaya nodded as if once pointed in the right direction he could not help but see the tell tale signs that had been there all along. He did so because it hurt his pride in an insult added to injury sort of way to deny what was so to his advantage to consider as patently obvious.<br>"How horrible, to think that all these years my physical integrity was endangered in such a way. Honestly."  
>Shizuo's jaw hit the floor.<br>"The fuck, you flea, don't tell me you buy this crap?"  
>"It all makes sense to me."<br>Dr. Phil had been waiting for this moment.  
>"Oh, don't think it's just Shizuo. You're just as guilty of sublimating as he is."<br>Izaya shrugged dismissively.  
>"Now, no need to stretch it. I know you want your rates to go up but there is no need to be absurd."<br>Dr. Phil chuckled. It wasn't pretty.  
>"You know one of the bad things about having a different girl each night? These girls will talk. Trust me, they'll talk. And I got twenty, mind you, <em>twenty<em> girls who claim that you go on about 'Shizu-chan' as you have sex. M'kay?"


	10. Chapter 10

Izaya grew pale. Exceedingly so. Against all odds Shizuo was the one to take a seat in the farthest corner of the stage as far from Izaya as possible.  
>"You must have bribed them to lie."<br>"Oh no you don't. No-huh, not gonna work. You see, we got a video. That proves it. If you insist on denying it we'll have to play it. Do you want that?"  
>Izaya coughed. Never had he felt to awkward and Shizuo was staring at him with the most perplexed expression.<br>"I may have said something that to the effect."  
>"So now you admit it, huh."<br>Shizuo blinked and then frowned.  
>"I knew you were fucked up in the head."<br>Dr. Phil placed a pudgy finger squarely in front of Shizuo.  
>"You keep out of it. Now, Izaya. Care to explain why you'd even think about Shizuo when you're having sex? Let alone actually talking about him."<br>"Getting rid of Shizu-chan is such a goal of mine that it naturally connects with the endorphin rush."  
>"Huh-uh. So it's got nothing to do with any latent attraction? Why don't I believe that."<br>Izaya had managed to gather himself.  
>"It is not very relevant whether you believe it or not. The fact remains that having sex makes me happy, finally killing Shizu-chan would make the happy, therefore the two converge."<br>Dr. Phil tapped at his notes.  
>"You know, I'm not buying that. What do you think?"<br>He turned to Shizuo who was still taking cover on the other side of the stage. It forced Dr. Phil to spin and twist his bulky body in a way that Izaya hoped was as painful as it looked.  
>"Me? I think he's a freaky homo, that's what I think!"<br>"Oh shut up. At least I have sex with actual girls. Instead of someone who can't even get it on with blowup dolls."  
>Shizuo was beyond indignation.<br>"Don't go saying my name when you're with your hussies, that's my name you're mixing with your loose habits!"  
>"'Hussies'? What century do you come from?"<br>Oprah had followed Shizuo and looked at him as if appreciating a chocolate fountain.  
>"I mean those whores you're always with! Always with a different whore all the time! Drives me <em>insane<em>!"  
>Dr. Phil's scandal radar flashed at this.<br>"Why is that? What is it to you how many sexual partners Izaya has?"  
>Izaya was just as interested. Shizuo blushed anew and hunted for cigarettes in his vest.<br>"No smoking in the studio, m'kay."  
>"Bloody hell, so annoying. It's cuz, you know, he's a flea and doesn't deserve it."<br>Izaya chuckled.  
>"He's jealous because girls are too afraid to even get within a mile of him. Bet you'll die a virgin."<br>"That's none of your business, you slut!"  
>Dr. Phil was still staring intently at Shizuo and nodding.<br>"To be fair it's none of your business just who Izaya sleeps with either. And you do sound jealous, to be honest."  
>Shizuo muttered something or other too low for Shingen to hear. Izaya piped merrily.<br>"Want me to introduce you to some cute girls? Then again, in your case it might be easier to opt for professional girls. At least they won't be picky. It'll cost you, though."  
>It came as no surprise that Izaya was a natural at pimping. Dr. Phil pointed his non-chin at Shizuo.<br>"Why don't you tell us about that dream you had."  
>Shizuo's blush deepened to crimson. He flailed and faltered. It was so awkward that Izaya all but hummed with excitement at the possibilities. Oh the possibilities.<br>"Dreams don't mean anything! They're just dreams...that has got nothing to do with anything here!"  
>"Dr. Phil is Freud now!"<br>"Dreams are an interface between the subconscious and the conscious minds, m'kay."  
>Izaya was quite impressed at the computer metaphor.<br>"How do you even know about the dream...and it wasn't like that! It wasn't!"  
>"Oh we got our ways, trust me. We know things."<br>Izaya could very well believe it. He was realizing just how widely spread Dr. Phil and co.'s contacts were. Never underestimate the fat bald Texan, m'kay. Shizuo licked his lips and addressed Shingen.  
>"Do I have to tell...?"<br>"Young man, you should."  
>Dr. Phil sealed it with a smile and,<br>"If you don't tell, I will."  
>Shizuo turned a shade of ashy grey.<br>"Huh, well, so I had this dream...must have eaten some bad food. Anyway, Izaya was in this dream and we were, erm, you know...doing this and that...BUT he was a girl in my dream, a girl! So it's not like that!"


	11. Chapter 11

Izaya blinked rapidly. Then burst out laughing.  
>"Oh dearie, that's too much!"<br>"Shut up!"  
>Dr. Phil gestured Shizuo to keep quiet. And somehow it worked.<br>"Now, why don't you tell us more about this dream?"  
>"Dreams don't mean nothing...like I said, it was Izaya but he was a girl. I'm not a homo, he was a girl in my dream."<br>This seemed to be a point of honor for Shizuo. Izaya rolled his eyes and giggled.  
>"That's hardly the biggest problem here, Shizu-chan. But who could tell that you'd be raping me in dreams."<br>Shizuo jumped to his feet, glaring crazily.  
>"Don't lump me with the likes of you! There was no rape, you wanted me to do you!"<br>"...good thing that was just a dream."  
>Dr. Phil slapped the notes across his knees.<br>"Dreams tell us a lot about people, m'kay? It is very interesting that in this dream of yours everything was very consensual."  
>"But he was a girl..."<br>Dr. Phil tucked his feet one behind the other and did another forward leaning swerve.  
>"Girl or no girl, fact remains that it <em>was<em> Izaya in your dream."  
>Shizuo's blush deepened to dark crimson and he paced up and down as if he needed to do something. Oprah followed him a few steps behind but Shizuo did not even notice.<br>"Doesn't matter, it's all the damned flea's fault anyway."  
>Izaya clicked with his tongue and offered a piece of his wisdom:<br>"I must say that I am shocked, absolutely shocked."  
>Dr. Phil set his small beady eyes on Izaya who did not at all care for the twinkle he saw there.<br>"You think that the dream is bad? How about your roleplaying habits?"  
>Izaya squirmed and fretted.<br>"There is nothing particularly wrong in having certain preferences in terms of clothing when it comes to sex. It sets the mood."  
>"Huh-uh. The mood, huh. How about having your girls wear short blonde wigs and bartender outfits with skimpy skirts? Remember that video? It was all there."<br>Izaya's smile died on his lips. He coughed.  
>"That is, well, just an extra kink-"<br>"And you don't find it strange that you make your sexual partners dress up as Shizuo? And let's not forget that you call _them_ 'Shizuo'."  
>This caught Shizuo's attention.<br>"That's messed up. Crazy flea."  
>"Oh give me a break. I'm not the one having wet dreams at this age. Grow up, will you?"<br>"I can't choose what I dream about! It's out of my control! Your sick games with vests and stuff, that's just- just- _sick_!"  
>Izaya was about to inform Shizuo that he was being redundant. But Dr. Phil cut him short.<br>"Shizuo has a point there. It's true that you can't control dreams."  
>"See? I've been saying that for a while now..."<br>Dr. Phil swung so fast that this time around Izaya was sure that he was about to pull a Humpty Dumpty. But no, Dr. Phil's balance seemed unshakable. Izaya suspected that not even a 9.0 earthquake could change that.  
>"What do you think that says about you, though? It says that you do have a subconscious attraction to him! How more obvious does it get? Huh? This is what you really feel without the interference of conscious regression. Just admit it already!"<br>Shizuo stammered.  
>"But- but- he was a girl in my dream...he's not a girl in real life...I'm no homo!"<br>"M'kay. A closet case if I ever saw one. Two of them, even."  
>Dr. Phil stared intently at Izaya who looked peeved.<br>"For the record, I have a very healthy sexual life with females."  
>"Hmm...and males too, I believe."<br>This did make Izaya flail.  
>"That is not particularly relevant."<br>"Right..."  
>"Yeah, no wonder the flea is gay! He <em>looks<em> gay."  
>"It's called 'bisexual' if you must know and it is none of your business anyway."<br>Shizuo and Izaya spent some time glaring at each other. Dr. Phil let them and then changed topic.  
>"M'kay, so let me see if I got this right: you've been trying to kill Izaya for years now, correct?"<br>"Yeah! Cuz he's, well, _Izaya_."  
>"Huh-uh. Throwing vending machines and other heavy objects at him regularly, right?"<br>"He deserves it, too."  
>Dr. Phil made a show of scanning his notes carefully.<br>"Then, how come he's still alive and kicking?"  
>"Er, he's shifty. Dodges stuff real well. Fleas can jump a lot, you know."<br>"Has it occurred to you that you don't actually want to kill him?"


	12. Chapter 12

Shizuo gasped as if badly offended. He finally crossed the stage again and settled on the sofa, having decided that being closer to Moustache Man would make a point of sorts.  
>"I wanted to kill him, I really did. I've been trying all this time but he <em>is<em> shifty. He dodges."  
>"Oh gee, should I just stay put and let you run me over? As if!"<br>Dr. Phil swung left and right as if undecided which of them to tackle first. He settled for keeping the heat on Shizuo.  
>"Let me see if I get this straight. It's been years, <em>years<em> of failed attempts at Izaya's life?"  
>Shizuo nodded sadly.<br>"Yeah."  
>"You know, either you have a really bad aim or something else is going on here. And by the looks of it your aim isn't at fault. After all you manage to hit plenty of people. It's just when it comes to Izaya here that you fail."<br>"You don't understand Dr. Moustache, he does parkour."  
>Dr. Phil frowned a bit but he turned to a camera and promptly said,<br>"Parkour, our viewers might want to know, is a form of urban obstacle track racing using all sorts of techniques and agility. M'kay?"  
>"M'kay!"<br>Izaya simply could not resist. Dr. Phil ignored him.  
>"So you want me to believe that because Izaya is like Spiderman or something you simply can't put as much as a dent on him? Huh? You want me to believe that? According to my notes you never actually caused any damage to Izaya."<br>Shizuo crossed his arms, cast a furtive glance at Izaya.  
>"He makes me <em>so<em> angry that I keep missing, can't even hit him."  
>"Sucks being you, Shizu-chan."<br>Dr. Phil scratched his chin or what passed for one in his case.  
>"You know what I think? I think that down deep you never meant to kill him. Not really. You don't know how to deal with your feelings and so you flip a lid, literally even, and go all crazy but killing him is the last thing you want. Subconsciously you know this. That's why even when you 'lose it' as you put it, you still don't harm him."<br>Shizuo flailed and Izaya snickered. And right away Dr. Phil zeroed in on Izaya.  
>"Shizuo isn't the only one either. This applies to you too. You claim Shizuo is your sworn enemy and we do know he has attacked you many a time. How come it didn't cross that smart mind of yours to hire someone to shoot him dead?"<br>"I am pleading the fifth on this. My lawyer would never allow me to answer that."  
>"Just add 'allegedly' to everything and you'll be fine. Also, we edit this show."<br>"I see. Well, I am sorry to prove you wrong but I have indeed taken measures against Shizuo. I allegedly arranged for Shizuo to serve time for a crime that he did not commit and I allegedly slashed him with my switchblade."  
>Shizuo jumped to his feet and proceeded to undress from the waist up.<br>"There, it left a scar! Filthy flea, cutting up people!"  
>"Not 'people', <em>you<em> and it was 'allegedly' at any rate."  
>Oprah swooned at the sight of well defined abs and nearly drowned in a puddle of her nose blood. No one seemed to notice.<br>"Allegedly my ass! See, he tried to kill me too!"  
>Shizuo sounded mortified. Dr. Phil shrugged.<br>"I don't see a scar. It must have been a superficial wound. What I really want to know is how _did_ he even manage to slash you?"  
>"Cuz he's got parkour skills! I told you this already, you're supposed to be clever."<br>"Huh-uh. Look, it's a minor cut as it is and you pretty much let him do it-"  
>"Did not!"<br>"-it goes to show that you both don't really want to kill each other. You'd rather be going at it like rabbits if you pardon my French."  
>This time both Izaya and Shizuo gasped.<br>"That's preposterous."  
>"What the hell? You're twisting up everything!"<br>Dr. Phil jabbed a thick finger in the air.  
>"If y'all don't agree with me, it's fine. Why don't you allow me to get an expert to hypnotize you two?"<br>Izaya was succinct:  
>"No."<br>"No way! Not gonna do that!"  
>Dr. Phil chuckled.<br>"Funny how you guys suddenly agree when it comes to keeping up your charade from crumbling. Very funny."  
>Izaya did not think it was remotely funny but he could not even 'm'kay'. Not one bit. Shizuo muttered something and having forgotten to get dressed again looked like an awkward male stripper.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

Izaya did not miss the similarity.  
>"Will you get dressed already!"<br>"What is it to you if I'm dressed or not!"  
>"It makes me <em>uncomfortable<em>."  
>Shizuo glared darkly but Izaya looked away, a faint blush suffusing his cheeks. Dr. Phil of course noticed it.<br>"Why do you feel uncomfortable, though? I mean, why?"  
>"Because it is hardly something a civilized person would do. Shizu-chan has no sense of what is proper."<br>Dr. Phil snorted.  
>"Now that's precious coming from you."<br>"Yeah! Got a problem with me getting naked? Huh? HUH?"  
>"See, this is your problem. You're a primitive caveman living in the modern world."<br>"Oh yeah? And you're a filthy _flea_!"  
>Izaya waved.<br>"Yeah, yeah, come up with something new one of these days. I'm getting so tired of the same old."  
>Shizuo seemed to have reached a decision. It included dismissing his pants and was worth it, Izaya's face turned a shade of bright red.<br>"What are you doing...?"  
>"So you don't like it when I get naked, see how you like 'em apples now! Screw you! I'll get naked when I feel like it!"<br>Shizuo beamed as if he had scored a point. Izaya squirmed. Dr. Phil shook his head.  
>"Now look, no stripping on my studio, m'kay? This isn't that kind of show. If you want that then get a room."<br>Only now did Shizuo realize just how his weird behavior came across.  
>"It's not like that, I just hate him. Izaya-KUN was all touchy cuz I undressed so I had to get naked to show him a lesson! Yeah! That's how it goes, I really do hate him."<br>Izaya snapped.  
>"Will you get dressed already!"<br>"Make me."  
>To Dr. Phil's surprise Izaya suddenly dashed out of the sofa, scooped Shizuo's scattered clothes and ran to the end of the stage where he promptly threw them at his feet.<br>"Put these on or I'll stomp on then! You just watch!"  
>"You wouldn't <em>dare<em>."  
>"Oh wouldn't I? Maybe you don't care for your clothes that Kasuka got for you. No wonder you're a failure as a brother."<br>Shizuo was working himself into a paroxysm of sorts. Before Izaya could react Shizuo charged.  
>"I-ZA-YA!"<br>Normally Izaya could dodge Shizuo with some effort but in such close quarters he never had a chance. Shizuo tackled him down and landed on top of him, clambering on top of Izaya. The idea was indeed to at least scare Izaya out of his wits, and it succeeded in that, but suddenly Shizuo thought about his dream and found himself unable to move. So he just gaped. Meanwhile Izaya was hollering for security to no avail and all too aware that Shizuo was very naked. In an attempt to squirm away Izaya ended up grinding against Shizuo, his crotch rubbing the front of Shizuo's boxers. And then both froze and exchanged a look of panic, then embarrassment. Shizuo leapt to his feet as if stung and ran out still mostly nude, mumbling something about going to the bathroom. Izaya was left lying in a state of great perplexity before also running out albeit at a slower pace.  
>"Commercial break, m'kay."<br>Shizuo emerged from the restroom looking paler than death and splashed his face with cold water, vigorously drying it only to repeat the procedure all over again. Izaya went to a restroom on another floor to be on the safe place and by the time he left, he too was a few shades too pale. He was about to simply slip away from the studio altogether and trust his lawyers if it came to a libel but yet again Shingen dragged him by the ear. Shizuo was already sitting on the sofa, having put on his beloved clothes again, but his mind seemed miles away. He flinched when Izaya sat on the opposite side and both busied themselves trying their very best not to look at each other.  
>Dr. Phil clambered to his high chair and resumed.<br>"Welcome back. Now, what exactly happened just now? Huh? Huh?"  
>He twisted his body and darted intently at Shizuo, then Izaya, then at Shizuo again but neither of them met his piercing eyes.<br>"Hello, cat got your tongues?"  
>Izaya cleared his throat but said nothing. Shizuo took a cigarette and snapped it absent-mindly. Izaya studied his rings with great care as if he had a vested interest in making sure they sparkled just right. Shizuo snapped another cigarette.<br>"Now hold it! You, stop littering my studio. And you, look at me, m'kay?"


	14. Chapter 14

Neither Shizuo nor Izaya paid him any attention. In fact, it was unsure whether they even heard him. The silence widened. Izaya took it to studying his perfectly manicured nails. Dr. Phil would have none of this.  
>"Y'all, I have a deal. Just hear me out."<br>Izaya perked his ears. His job included doing deals first and foremost and the fact that these were mostly shady only attested to his skill in negotiation. Slowly he turned his eyes to Dr. Phil who carried.  
>"Look, I am suggesting some intensive therapy. You two spend two weeks together in a specially prepared house and talk things over. At any time I'll contact you via screens. If you both agree to this I won't air this show. How about that?"<br>Izaya considered it. Not a bad proposal but he was still rather afraid of being in close quarters with Shizuo.  
>"I have concerns regarding my physical integrity."<br>"No worries. There'll be security within earshot."  
>Izaya's eyes narrowed and he adopted his business attitude.<br>"What is it to you?"  
>"Look, I can't show rape on national TV, m'kay? You stay in the house and see what happens. If nothing happens then that's that. If something violent happens security will intervene. And if some say, serious make out sessions were to take place then I'd air that. But of course it's got to be consensual or I won't have usable footage. The ball's in your court."<br>The translation reached Shizuo a couple of minutes later because Shingen had decided that now was the perfect time to adjust his mask and use a tighter filter. Izaya took the time to think. He needed to see what Shizuo would say to this before deciding anything. It was not a position Izaya enjoyed but he had to play his cards carefully. Shizuo blinked, blushed, flailed, then said,  
>"So...if we just, you know, spend two weeks in this place you won't show just what happened back then- I mean..."<br>"M'kay, that's it, basically. Consider it extreme therapy. You can talk to me at any time."  
>Izaya giggled, having recovered some leverage.<br>"Oh my, Dr. Phil apparently doesn't have a life."  
>Shizuo had been thinking very hard and he now got up and announced,<br>"I'll do it! Still hate him, bloody louse, but it'll be best if people don't, you know...get the wrong idea...with footage that is..."  
>"Yes, I concur. I hate you just as much, Shizu-chan."<br>"Good. Hating is good! Keep on hating me and I'll keep on hating you!"  
>"And we cannot possibly go wrong that way."<br>"Yeah!"  
>Izaya and Shizuo actually smiled at each other. Dr. Phil was very amused but he used his notes to hide his smile.<p>

Before making his agreement final Izaya read the terms very carefully. The house in question was very big and there were enough rooms for Shizuo and him to live in opposite arenas and hardly interact at all. And that was wonderful news. There was unfortunately something called 'communication time' in which they were forced to have a conversation together supervised by Dr. Phil now in pure Big Brother fashion but it was only half and hour. The lack of internet connection, of any kind of communication with the outside, of even TV, newspapers and books was exceedingly aggravating but there was nothing to be done about it other than endure it.  
>"I'll take this room. You stay <em>away<em>, you hear me?"  
>Shizuo did not even check it for size but simply opened the first door he saw. Izaya waited with folded arms outside.<br>"You do realize that's a closet, right?"  
>Shizuo stepped out and glared.<br>"This is all for fault, everything is your fault."  
>"Look, Shizu-chan. I don't like this any more than you do. The best way to make this as least painful for both of us as possible is to stay out of each other's way. I'll take that room at the back of the house and you can take that one. You won't even see me except for meals, and even that I'm sure can be arranged if we fix a rotation of sorts in the kitchen."<br>Shizuo scratched his head but it sounded too reasonable for him to do anything but agree.  
>"Yeah, I guess. Still bloody hate your guts and hope you drown in Tokyo Bay soon."<br>"Ah...right back at you."  
>Izaya was rather puzzled. He was used to Shizuo hurling insults at him but the tone was now conversational. Shizuo too did not exactly know what to make of it, actually having a conversation like this was weird.<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

Dr. Phil, who could of course see all this, had a 'just as planned' moment and rubbed his pudgy hands at the thought of his ratings going through the roof. M'kay. And they were already walking in and out of closets without his doing anything.  
>Before entering the house Izaya and Shizuo had a secret meeting of sorts.<br>"So you see, all we have to do is to keep a low profile and try to get along. There are cameras all over the place and the last thing either of us want is to give Mister Moustache more things to use against and twist things."  
>Shizuo nodded.<br>"Yeah...okay."  
>"If we argue too much he'll go on and on about how it's just a cover for...other things and you do not want that."<br>And these were the arrangements they set about to put into practice. Izaya was happy to find that after all there were some books but profoundly disappointed that these were of Dr. Phil's penship and thus useless as far as he was concerned. One of said books was about siblings and Izaya decided to let Shizuo know. It gave the impression that they were on friendlier terms without coming across as too friendly. He knocked at the door.  
>"The hell you want?"<br>"Gee, I thought you might want to read this book on how to improve siblings' relationship but seems you don't care."  
>"Give me that. Oh, thanks."<br>"You're welcome."  
>Shizuo was already avidly leafing through the tome. Izaya was about to retreat back to his room but Shizuo detained him.<br>"Don't you want to read it? So you can get along with your sisters."  
>"I'll pass. I don't trust Big Brother."<p>

So far so good, Izaya thought as he tested the water in the tub with a toe. Nice and warm. Izaya sank in the steaming water and smiled happily, closing his eyes as he felt tension leaving his muscles. This was a Western tub so he could not soak in properly but he could not complain. And one thing lead to another, he began to stroke himself, his mind a deliberate blank. This was the one place that was not supervised by cameras and two weeks with no sexual release at all was too much than Izaya could handle. So it was best to take care of things where he would not be watched than end up running into some embarrassing situations later on.  
>And currently Izaya was very much engaged in keeping away from such situations. What had happened in the studio had been bad enough. He did not want to at all think about it now but still Shizuo's image flitted past his thoughts and his erection took shape immediately. Izaya remained with his eyes closed, a faint moan escaping from between his lips as he heated up.<br>"Shizu-chan..."  
>"The hell!"<br>Izaya flailed so much that he half drowned then yanked the curtain so as to hide behind it and glare furiously at Shizuo.  
>"Don't you know how to knock?"<br>"What the hell were you doing...?"  
>Only now did Izaya notice that Shizuo's boxers were around his ankles, his half erect dick almost level with Izaya's eyes.<br>"More like what were _you_ doing."  
>Shizuo pulled up his pants awkwardly enough.<br>"This is the only place to do this kind of thing without being seen...wait, you were saying my name just now!"  
>Izaya thought rapidly.<br>"That's because I realized you were intruding on my privacy."  
>Shizuo frowned. Izaya wished he could not see the bulge in the jeans but it was impossible to miss.<br>"Dunno about that. You sounded weird. Like you were doing...stuff."  
>"Don't lump me with the likes of <em>you<em>."  
>So much for getting along.<br>"How come you're blushing?"  
>"Because the water is hot! Are you an idiot? No wait, nevermind."<br>Shizuo spotted something floating in the water and dramatically pointed at it.  
>"That! That's...that's totally pre-cum!"<br>"It's shower cream."  
>"Like I'd buy that!"<br>"How about you just get lost and let me bathe in peace?"  
>"Can't bloody do that! I got to, you know...and I can't do it anywhere else! You leave!"<br>Izaya could not of course do that for a million and one reasons. He cursed his bad luck.  
>"Look, I'll just close the curtain and let you do your thing then leave me to have a nice bath without further interruption."<br>Shizuo looked absolutely mortified.  
>"I can't jerk off when you're in the same room! No way I can do that!"<br>"Sucks being you, then."


	16. Chapter 16

But Shizuo would have none of this. He hesitated before simply flinging open the curtain and he was about to toss a towel at Izaya and herd him out the bathroom when he realized that Izaya was very hard. Shizuo flailed so much that for a while he could not even speak. To make matters worse his pants became tighter below the waist.  
>"You, you're sick!"<br>"Oh gee, it's within my rights to masturbate when I see fit in my own private time."  
>"But- but- don't bring me into it!"<br>"I didn't. You're the one barging in."  
>Izaya snatched the curtain and closed it. He could see Shizuo pacing up and down.<br>"What to do, what to do, what to do, and why is there only one bathroom in this huge house?"  
>"Probably to promote this kind of situation."<br>"Oh. That's fucked up, as fucked up as you. That's it, gotta throw you out."  
>The curtain swung open again and Izaya stood up much to Shizuo's absolute horror.<br>"You do that Mister Moustache will spin it into us 'doing this and that' as you'd put it."  
>"Only need to show that you're the one with sick tendencies."<br>Izaya rolled his eyes.  
>"And you honestly think that will ever fly? Will you open your eyes already! The moment one of us shows any sign of being even remotely sexual attracted to the other we are both screwed because he will do his spinning and trust me on this, this Dr. Phil is good."<br>Shizuo only understood the basic outline of what Izaya was saying. He could not help himself from staring and as much as he hated to admit it even to himself, he liked what he was seeing. A lot, in fact. Naked Izaya sporting an erection, water dripping from smooth white skin.  
>"Put a towel around your waist, at least!"<br>Shizuo was about to do that for him but that would mean touching Izaya. At which point the world might very well end.  
>"Look, I'll think of something to explain why we're cooped in the bathroom like this – rest assured Moustache won't miss that – but first we've got to keep our wits about us. I don't suppose a cold shower will make it go away?"<br>"Of course not! Why does this have to happen to me, it's all your fault-"  
>"Just forget all this talk and <em>listen<em>. I'll pull the curtain and close my eyes. You take care of business. Then you wait until I tell you I'm ready. And then I'll tell you my plan and we'll be on the clear. Understood?"  
>"Fucking towel..."<br>Izaya caught himself and wrapped it where it needed be wrapped.  
>"Do you understand?"<br>Shizuo kicked at imaginary pebbles.  
>"Can't do that when you're in the room...curtain don't mean shit!"<br>"Do you want me to do it for you? Just get along with the program already!"  
>Izaya did not of course mean it but it put images in Shizuo's mind. Very vivid images.<br>"That'd be hot...with plenty of tongue...I mean, shut up"  
>"What did you just say...?"<br>"Nothing! You're just hearing things."  
>"Right...anyway, hurry up."<br>And with this Izaya closed the curtain on Shizuo's face. Leaving Shizuo in something of a predicament.  
>"Don't go peeping now!"<br>"Why would I do that? Just hurry up already, I'm becoming a prune here."  
>Shizuo turned his back to the tub but he kept glancing over his shoulder. He did not like playing to Izaya's tune and knew that he would be trolled forever for it. Shizuo told himself that was the only reason why he yanked open the curtain.<br>"Can't get it done, you do it for me."  
>"Excuse me...?"<br>"It's the only way, okay? It's not like I want it- or anything!"  
>Izaya sighed. This was something straight out of a whacky BL manga. But just like in those the threat of rape was imminent. Or so it seemed to Izaya.<br>"Fine. But just a handjob."  
>Shizuo did not admit to himself that he was slightly disappointed. Not for long, though. Izaya formed a fist around Shizuo's shaft and slid up and down expertly. Just the enough amount of pressure and speed. Shizuo bucked instinctively and nearly knocked Izaya into the water.<br>"Will you be careful, you brute! I'm doing you a favor here!"  
>"Sorry...but it's all your fault."<br>Izaya was getting very tired of this. He was going to voice his protest when Shizuo stepped into the tub and pinned him against the wall, pressing their erections together. Izaya's voice hitched.  
>"Have you gone mad?"<br>"Just, taking care of business like you said."


	17. Chapter 17

Izaya moaned despite himself.  
>"Don't go making weird noises!"<br>"Oh shut up. And _hurry_..."  
>Izaya was very glad that there were no cameras here because it would be dreadful if anyone were to see how he now spread himself for Shizuo to better rub against him. And how he bucked into Shizuo's hardness. As Shizuo made a fist around both of their shafts it was slippery with Izaya's oozing pre-cum.<br>"Gel my ass, you horny flea!"  
>"Like you're one to talk- hng..."<br>Shizuo picked up speed and pumped himself and Izaya, his mind getting more muddled with each stroke.  
>"Shit, this is so wrong-"<br>"But good..."  
>Shizuo was not about to agree. At least not verbally. Judging by the way he tensed up and splattered Izaya's naked skin with his thick whitish load he did agree. Izaya giggled with more than a hint of malice.<br>"Shizu-chan can't last much, what a shame~"  
>"You fucking flea!"<br>"Whee...!"  
>Of course Izaya could afford to troll because he was already toppling over, his orgasm building up along the sweet friction. He squirmed, eyes rolling, as he released all over Shizuo.<br>"My clothes!"  
>"Heh...no worries, Shi-zu-chan! Trust me."<br>"As if! And why are you all weird now?"  
>It disturbed Shizuo. He was torn between kissing the dreadful flea (just to throw him off, of course. There was absolutely no other reasons behind it) and beating him within an inch of his life.<br>"Afterglow, feel good chemicals swimming through my blood stream, yay."

They were having dinner when the giant screen lit up and Dr. Phil's all too familiar face loomed at them. Shingen was barely visible in the background but the mask was unmistakable.  
>"Hello, Phil-sensei!"<br>"M'kay, glad to see that you haven't killed each other yet. What are you wearing?"  
>Dr. Phil frowned. He let Izaya's breezy ways fly for now.<br>"We feel so disconnected from our country and having to eat this...I suppose you Americans call it 'food', that we had to put on kimonos. Couldn't we have some sushi? This is just...urgh."  
>Izaya wrinkled his nose and poked at some highly caloric food that was splattered on his plate in a most unflattering manner.<br>"Uh-uh, it'll be two weeks, y'all. Not long."  
>"That's long enough for Shizu-chan to forget most of his kanji."<br>Shizuo was rather sullen but this caught his attention.  
>"It'd take months for that to happen! What the hell, I can read just fine."<br>"Months...? Such a feeble minded simpleton you are. I think Dr. Phil wants to fatten us up in good old Texan style so that he can use us to sell those dieting books he's so fond of. Speaking of which, how have those been working for you?"  
>Dr. Phil coughed.<br>"I don't care about all this talk, what I want to know is why did you spend so much time in the bathroom together?"  
>Shizuo stared at his plate as if he suddenly had a great interest in deep fried stuff. Izaya was unfazed.<br>"Ah, that. I was having a delicious bath and being Japanese as I am that means that the water was very hot. As I result I ended up passing out, quite embarrassing to be honest. Shizu-chan helped me out. Guess he's not completely useless. But he got his clothes wet and we figured we might as well change into kimonos."  
>"Was that how it went, Shizuo?"<br>Shizuo lifted his eyes from the mushy food rather reluctantly. Izaya had scripted their answers but he was terribly afraid it would be all too obvious that he was lying. He cursed Izaya anew for being so smooth when it came to spewing lies.  
>"Yeah. Stupid flea nearly drowned."<br>"Hmm...how come you didn't open the door, then? Since it was so hot."  
>Shizuo blushed greatly at this.<br>"Didn't think of that, thought the flea was drowning...yeah."  
>"And why didn't you call someone from the staff to help?"<br>"Didn't think of that either."  
>Izaya took a very small sip of orange juice as if to indicate his dislike for such drinks.<br>"Dr. Phil, Shizu-chan isn't very smart."  
>"So...the guy pretty much saves your life and you still act like a meanie? Showing your true colors, huh."<br>Izaya shrugged. At times he wondered as to why Dr. Phil's vocabulary veered on that of a grade schooler even when it come to derogatory terms but then again the audience's mental age was around that level as far as Izaya knew.  
>"He overreacted. And I have thanked him already by fitting his kimono for him."<p> 


	18. Chapter 18

This part was true and Shizuo hardly knew how to handle his awkwardness. He had no idea how Izaya managed to remain so smooth after what had happened. Shizuo mumbled,  
>"I'd like some miso soup instead of this...what is this, actually?"<br>"Deadly food, Shizu-chan. Deadly."  
>Dr. Phil peered at them, tiny round eyes blinking.<br>"Speaking of deadly, I'm worried about having one of you drown on me. That's bad publicity, m'kay? Maybe I'll install cameras in the bathroom too."  
>Izaya and Shizuo spoke rapidly and at the same time.<br>"No! I mean, there is no need for that."  
>"Yeah, what he said...no need."<br>"I was simply not used to bigger tubs. Ours are deeper and shorter so that it's difficult to slip underwater. Not that I was in any danger of drowning."  
>"I just thought he was."<br>"Exactly."  
>Dr. Phil flipped through some notes.<br>"Uh-huh. But look at that, you're agreeing on stuff already. See how this is good for you?"  
>Izaya smiled weakly.<br>"Indeed."  
>"Now, I can't take any chances. I can't have people dying on my show, m'kay? So you have two options, either you let me put up cameras in the bathroom or I'll have you two bathe with the other present."<br>Izaya and Shizuo exchanged a panicky glance. They had already established a rotation for using the bathroom for masturbation purposes, having a camera on would make things rather awkward. On the other hand they knew firsthand what happened when they were in the bathroom together. But no one else knew. So without as much as having a word Izaya spoke for the two of them.  
>"I suppose it's fine if Shizu-chan is there as I take a quick shower."<br>"Sure...I don't mind it too much."  
>"Great, so it's settled. Mister Shingen here wants to have a word with you. Off the air, m'kay."<br>Dr. Phil gave way to Shingen who began by adjusting his gas mask. Shizuo still had no clear idea of what it was.  
>"Young men, I hope that you realize that you are representing Japan. The eyes of the world are all on you! You have a responsibility to your fellow countrymen-"<br>"How about getting us some sushi?"  
>"I like those little cakes they sell at that intersection."<br>Shingen nearly choked, mask notwithstanding.  
>"You are not listening to me. This is the problem with young people nowadays, they have no respect. I remember back in the war-"<br>"No, you don't. Just how old are you trying to come across as?"  
>"About those cakes, the vanilla ones with powdery stuff-"<br>Shingen jabbed a gloved finger.  
>"How do you expect to become better human beings if you don't listen to your elders? Back in the war-"<br>"Again...you weren't around back then. And just who is ignoring what is being said here?"  
>"Can I get some of those cakes or not...and tell Shinra to record Kasuka's TV drama-"<br>But Shingen had had enough of instructing the dissolute youth and the screen grew black, presumably to tell others more worthy of his wisdom all about his war memories.

"This may be a good thing, Shizu-chan."  
>"Just stay on your side of the curtain!"<br>It was bath time again, this time Shizuo's as per Dr. Phil's instructions Izaya was present.  
>"I will. But this way we get to make some adjustments. Let's see, I want at least half an hour every night of alone time at the bathroom."<br>Shizuo nearly bolted out of the tub.  
>"The hell, just how many times do you do it?"<br>"It depends on how much action I'm having but I must come at least once a day to be a happy camper."  
>"Fuck, sex obsessed freak!"<br>"Judge all you want, I don't really care."  
>"Don't go spying on me!"<br>Izaya had his back turned as it was.  
>"I won't. Who would want to see you naked?"<br>"Dunno about _that_."  
>"Oh please. Has Dr. Phil been getting to you a bit too much?"<br>"He has a point. You're messed up in the head!"  
>"I won't hear that from a guy who demolishes half a block on a regular basis."<br>"At least I'm not doing nasty things!"  
>"Ah...could have fooled me yesterday."<br>It was Shizuo's turn to snatch the curtain wide open.  
>"That- that was all your fault!"<br>"Look, let's call it what it was: we're in a stressful situation and deprived of any outlets for sexual tension. And the curtain, Shizu-chan. The curtain."


	19. Chapter 19

Izaya could see it in a mirror.  
>"Oh! Right."<br>Shizuo closed it.  
>"And by the way, why don't you take a shower instead of soaking in?"<br>"Because if you can take an actual bath then it's only fair I can do it too! And shower gel, filthy liar!"  
>"Right...anyway, you should pick your friends more wisely from now on."<br>"None of your business. And I have friends unlike you!"  
>"It would be better if you didn't. Just who did you tell about that dream of yours to?"<br>Shizuo huddled in the water.  
>"I told Tom..."<br>"And Tom-san off and told Humpty Dumpty."  
>"I had to tell someone! It was freaky! I was freaked out! And you're way cuter as a woman!"<br>"Shizu-chan, we need to keep our wits about us and focus. Otherwise Big Brother will walk all over us."  
>"Huh? Who's that?"<br>"Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil."  
>"Use people's proper names!"<br>"Now that's precious coming from a guy who seems to be under the impression my name is 'flea'."  
>The curtain was yanked open again and Shizuo stood dripping.<br>"I know your name is Orihara Izaya! It should be Orihara _flea_ Izaya!"  
>"...the curtain."<br>"Damn."  
>"And are you quite done or do you want me to rub your back?"<br>"Bloody flea."  
>"Anyway, this forced bathroom time may be a good thing."<br>Again Shizuo was standing fully naked, curtain in hand, waving a fist in the air.  
>"There! You want to see me naked, you sick-"<br>"Will you close the curtain and actually listen!"  
>Izaya was the one to close it. He was getting riled.<br>"Dunno, it's just weird to talk to you when I can't see you..."  
>"Ever heard of telephones? How did you handle <em>that<em>? I don't expect you to use the new ones with an audio interface. Anyway, what I meant was that we can talk unsupervised and get our tactics straight."  
>"Nothing straight about this, it's all wrong-"<br>"Whatever. This way we can at least arrange what to say to Bald Head."  
>"You mean lying..."<br>"Do you want to tell him the truth instead, Shizu-chan?"  
>"It would sound wrong..."<br>"I rest my case."

They both felt that they had weathered a crisis since nothing happened apart from this heated debate. Shizuo decided to blow some steam by working out in a very well equipped gym in the ground level and Izaya was left to laze around the apartment like a bored kitten. He was so bored that he even read the entire collection of Dr. Phil books since there was nothing else to read. Just when he thought that his brain was about to slid off his skull to trickle out of his ears, a big screen popped out and Dr. Phil appeared in all his glory.  
>"Now, thought I'd have a word with you, m'kay?"<br>"M'kay."  
>"How's it going?"<br>"Tedious. I can't believe I came all the way to the States and I didn't even get to see anything. Instead I got stuck here."  
>Izaya sighed dramatically.<br>"Now, I'm glad you said that. Because I have a proposal. How about we take this show on the road?"  
>"On the road?"<br>"I got a nifty van, it's big so don't worry. Way bigger than your Tokyo apartments I can tell you that. It'll be the same but you'd get to travel around the country."  
>"No thanks."<br>"Why not? I thought you wanted to see the country?"  
>Izaya did not care for how big this van was, he did not see how he could avoid bumping into Shizuo all too often.<br>"And so I would. But with better company."  
>"Travelling together will bring you closer."<br>"Not interested. I don't want to become friends with Shizu-chan."  
>Dr. Phil snickered.<br>"Now, the cameras are off now so let me tell you something. I know that you have a thing for him and I know that it's mutual."  
>"Oh really? Found that based on the kind of material you write in your books? I'm afraid I was not overly impressed."<br>"I can tell. Anyone can tell, really. It's obvious there's a sexual attraction but I bet there's more to it. Oh yes, I'm willing to bet my moustache on it and my moustache is part of who I am, m'kay?"  
>"...indeed."<br>"You're in luck, the van has two bathrooms. How's that?"  
>"Sorry but no."<br>Dr. Phil nodded as if he was convinced and disappeared much to Izaya's relief. But all too soon Shizuo came barging in.  
>"Izaya! You got to bathe now. So come."<br>"No, I don't- don't drag me- I can walk by myself!"  
>They cooped themselves in the bathroom.<p> 


	20. Chapter 20

"We should take this offer, I told him I'd need to talk to you-"  
>"You idiot, you should have turned it down on the spot!"<br>"Two bathrooms, you flea! That means no need to shower with you around!"  
>"Oh you simpleton. It also means no chances of talking without his eavesdropping!"<br>"Oh. Didn't think about that."  
>"Of course you didn't, do you ever think at all? We are turning down this offer and that's that."<br>"'kay..."  
>"And now I actually have to take a bath otherwise it would seem strange."<br>"Damn!"  
>"Whose fault is it again, Shizu-chan?"<br>"Just keep the curtain closed..."  
>"You're the one with problems in that area. Now if you'll excuse me."<br>Izaya took a shower without further interference. So far so good. But as soon as they left the bathroom Dr. Phil sprang in front of them from a screen that apparently popped out of nowhere.  
>"Now, you guys didn't hear me out until the end."<br>"We are not interested."  
>"Yeah, what he said."<br>Dr. Phil nodded.  
>"M'kay. But you know, this van doesn't have cameras on sleeping quarters."<br>Izaya's ears perked despite himself. Shizuo too saw an opportunity here.  
>"Keep talking."<br>"I wanna sleep without cameras around, I'm in! And think about it, two bathrooms!"  
>Izaya was still rather suspicious but it sounded like a decent offer and an improvement on their current status. Also, it would do away with the difficulties of communicating in private.<br>"Alright, I accept."  
>"M'kay."<p>

Izaya's suspicious were proven right all too soon. The van was indeed very large, a veritable mansion on wheels. Shizuo spent some time being amazed at it from the outside but Izaya went straight to the point, investigating the interior arrangements. There were a lot of rooms to go through so the van was already moving when Izaya realized the horrible fact.  
>"Shizu-chan! There's only one bedroom!"<br>"Are you sure?"  
>"Of course I'm sure! There's a bar, the two bathrooms, plenty of space since this is huge but only one bedroom!"<br>Shizuo gasped loudly.  
>"Oh. Shit."<br>"'Oh shit' indeed!"  
>As if on cue a monitor appeared from the ceiling and sure enough Dr. Phil was on it.<br>"What do you guys think of the van? Not too shabby. Not too shabby at all."  
>"Why is there only one bedroom?"<br>"It's in the contract you signed, that you'd sleep in the appropriate sleeping quarters."  
>Izaya could have kicked the monitor.<br>"You tricked us! This is called entrapment pure and simple!"  
>"No it isn't. It's all there in the contract, you can't fault me for not reading the fine printing."<br>"I'm getting out of here."  
>"Why the hurry? Besides, the van is already on the road. It's a big room, I'm sure you'll make the best of it. Besides, there's no cameras in the bedroom so you can do whatever you want."<br>"I don't want to sleep in the same room with Shizu-chan!"  
>Dr. Phil leered and his tiny eyes sparkled merrily.<br>"Oh really? Why not? Afraid you won't be able to control yourself? Hmm...?"  
>"What are you guys saying, speak Japanese already..."<br>Izaya forced himself to act as nonchalant as possible.  
>"Fine. I'll take the right side, Shizu-chan. You take the left."<br>"Left...you mean there's only one bed?"  
>"Yes."<br>"That's! Like! I don't even!"  
>"Just deal with it."<br>"But- but- I may move in my sleep-"  
>"Then <em>don't<em> move."  
>"It's not up to me if I move or don't!"<br>"We can tie you up, then. Actually, that sounds like a wonderful idea."  
>"The hell it does!"<br>Dr. Phil interrupted the argument.  
>"That's a Japanese thing, isn't? <em>Shibari<em>. I don't judge."  
>"Not that kind of rope."<br>Shizuo blinked, rather confused.  
>"<em>Shibari<em>? What does it have to do with anything- wait, you want to- you sick, sick-"  
>"Oh shut up already."<br>Dr. Phil suddenly looked at some point past then, his voice going on automatic.  
>"Stay tuned as this Japanese couple travels through the country in a journey of relationship rescue."<br>"You're trying to pimp your book, aren't you. And people actually buy them. And you just said 'couple'".  
>"Our first stop will be New York City-"<br>"New York? Now we're talking!"


	21. Chapter 21

Izaya almost forgot how dreadful this whole thing was. Shizuo shuffled.  
>"What's so great about New York, it's just a big city. We already live in a big city, how come we have to see more big cities, it's all the same. People, people, tall buildings, cars, pollution, yakuza, more people, subway stations, pachinko, taller buildings, even more people. It's all the same."<br>Izaya rolled his eyes and put on a disgusted expression.  
>"It goes to show how uncouth you are. New York is one of the most interesting cities in the world and for the record I very much doubt you will find yakuza there except in Japanese influenced areas or in hotels. And I very much doubt there'll be pachinko."<br>"It's all the same, too many people. Don't wanna go."  
>"Tell you what, Shizu-chan! Do you know where you won't find people? The South pole. So what are you waiting for, move there. You can feed off penguins and hunt for seals in the sea like the beastly creature you are."<br>"You think you're funny! You're not! Bloody flea-"  
>Dr. Phil chuckled in the background.<br>"I leave y'all alone now, m'kay? We arrive at New York in a couple of hours."  
>"Yay for New York!"<br>"Stupid cities, it's all the same."

Shizuo was tempted to repeat himself as they were dropped off at Chinatown. Izaya had been in a rapture as soon the tops of skyscrapers began to block out the sky and jumped up and down as they crossed the bridge. It was enough to get Shizuo in a bad mood. And Shizuo focused on being morose because there were times when Izaya's bubbly happiness seemed almost cute and he would have none of _that_.  
>Presently, Izaya was rather dejected.<br>"Eh...why Chinatown? We're not Chinese, we're Japanese. Can't Egghead tell the difference?"  
>"See, I told you it's all the same. People, people, people, more people, no end to them."<br>Dr. Phil popped out in front of him, the real man in the flesh. There was something creepy in having such a man simply appear like that without a warning.  
>"Now, I know you guys aren't Chinese. That's why you're in Chinatown, it's foreign to you."<br>"We have a Chinatown in Tokyo. What's the point is coming to New York for the Chinatown? I want to go to Fifth Avenue."  
>"Later, m'kay. For now it is time for Chinatown."<br>And just like he had appeared Dr. Phil disappeared. Izaya did not remain depressed for long. In no time he was skipping down the street, chatting with random people, stuffing himself with pork buns.  
>"Delicious food! Finally, all that dreadful American food was absolutely killing me."<br>Shizuo eyed the food suspiciously.  
>"Is that any good?"<br>"Try one."  
>Shizuo took a small bite and then gobbled up an entire bun. Izaya wrinkled his nose.<br>"Hey, real tasty."  
>"The way you eat is absolutely disgraceful."<br>They made their way through packed streets and thronged avenues.  
>"It's like I said, it's all the same."<br>"Where are the pachinko, Shizu-chan? And the yakuza?"  
>"Dunno. In basements?"<br>"You're not even trying, are you."  
>"Wanna take the boat? The river seemed kinda cool."<br>Izaya would rather ditch Shizuo altogether and have a blast on Fifth Avenue and Times Square but unfortunately their agreement entailed that they stuck together. So it might be for the best that Izaya indulged Shizuo for the time being to get him more receptive to his plans.  
>Shizuo had a blast, much to Izaya's amazement, watching the water sprays that the boat left on its wake. As for Izaya, he found a group of Japanese tourists and immediately latched unto them to catch up on things. As a result Shizuo and Izaya were happier than they had been since this trip had begun and more relaxed around each other. Izaya did not even mind Shizuo's suggestion to visit Central Park and promptly flung himself on the grass, having carefully placed a towel on the ground so as not to dirty his clothes.<br>"Ah, I'm beat. I didn't know that staying locked up in that house was this bad for my legs."  
>"You wouldn't be tired if you didn't jump around all crazy."<br>"Whatever. Go buy me an ice cream now."  
>"Who do you think I am, your butler?"<br>"Buy one for yourself too."  
>"Bloody hell."<br>Shizuo returned shortly with a vanilla cone that was already dripping.  
>"Thanks a bunch, Shizu-chan."<br>Izaya licked the swirly top. Shizuo blushed and flailed.  
>"That one wasn't for you!"<p> 


	22. Chapter 22

To make this point Shizuo snatched the cone from Izaya and downed it in one go, getting quite a headache in the process. Dr. Phil materialized from a bush.  
>"This is what in Japan they call, 'an indirect kiss', m'kay?"<br>Izaya jumped.  
>"You nearly gave me a heart attack!"<br>"It's not like that! They were sold out, there was only one cone left and then the flea goes and steals it from me!"  
>Shingen appeared right next to Dr. Phil, translating as he adjusted the mask.<br>"I stole nothing."  
>"You're a greedy flea!"<br>Dr. Phil looked from one to the other, his eyes shiny.  
>"Now, how is the date going?"<br>"This is not a date, I am simply indulging Shizu-chan for the time being."  
>"Who- who would want to date the flea? I'm not gay!"<br>"So the date is going well, good, good."  
>Shingen removed his gas mask and sure enough there was another one underneath it. Izaya was not even surprised. Shizuo blinked.<br>"You don't have a face...?"  
>"It explains so much."<br>"Yeah."  
>Dr. Phil gesticulated.<br>"Looks like you guys are having fun."  
>Suddenly, Izaya realized that there was another fictional character to with whom Dr. Phil shared an uncanny similarity. It was enough to send him giggling.<br>"Dr. Robotnik! They could be twins!"  
>Once thought it could not be unthought and unlike the rest of Izaya's whacky comparisons Shizuo actually knew who Dr. Robotnik was. Shizuo laughed at the mental picture.<br>"Yeah, you got a point there! Same moustache and all."  
>"I bet they went to the same school, too! And learned how to make giant machines of destruction! Demolishing ball!"<br>Izaya skipped about to express his hilarity and Shizuo chuckled.  
>"You know, couples that can laugh together have a great future ahead. It shows a connection, m'kay?"<br>Izaya froze on the spot. Shizuo forced himself to scowl.  
>"That's just a cliché."<br>"We're not a couple! I am not gay, not gay!"  
>"We'll be back in a second."<br>Izaya pushed Shizuo aside.  
>"Don't go luring me into weird places!"<br>"Just listen to me. You have got to stop freaking out and going, 'I'm not gay!' all the time."  
>"But I'm not. You're the one who is all gay and shit."<br>"For the record I am not but nevermind that now. The problem here is that the poor you freak out about it the gayer you come across. Dr. Robotnik there will just say you're in denial, m'kay."  
>"What should I say, then?"<br>"Simple. Just shrug it off."  
>"Okay...but if that backfires I am so killing you!"<br>"Yeah, yeah."  
>Dr. Phil had an announcement when they returned.<br>"You're going on one of those tour buses now. It'll stop on Fifth Avenue."  
>"Alright! Finally."<br>Shizuo looked at all the pretty green grass and sighed.  
>"I wish there was a place like this in 'bukuro. Or even in Shinjuku. It's so nice to have all this nature around."<br>"With the way real estate works in Tokyo? Keep dreaming. Not to mention there isn't exactly any space to make a garden. Unless you demolish a few buildings and tear down an overpass or two."  
>"Yeah, I wouldn't mind if we could have a garden."<br>Dr. Phil presented them with a digital camera.  
>"Take pictures of Central Park, m'kay? Also, I booked you a carriage to take you around the park."<br>It was Shizuo's time to rejoice. Izaya turned the camera over.  
>"Can we get a Sony? I like Sony, one should always support national products."<br>"Now don't be cheeky, you hear? Just be happy you get a camera. American electronics are good, too."  
>Shizuo snatched the camera.<br>"How does this thingy work?"  
>"You aren't too smart, now are you? Fine, I'll teach you."<br>And Izaya did just that. Dr. Phil had a 'just as planned' moment but said nothing about it.  
>"So I just got to press this here button thingy?"<br>"Yes. This is not exactly rocket science. Even you should be able to get it right."  
>"What's that supposed to mean, 'even me'? I'm not stupid!"<br>"One wonders, one really does."  
>Shingen closed and opened his hands to remind Izaya of ear pinching. The carriage arrived and Shizuo smiled happily.<br>"Horsies! So cool."  
>Izaya rolled his eyes. They boarded the carriage, Izaya, Shizuo and Shingen. Izaya had decided to be nonchalant about this but as the horses began to trot away he got into the mood and enjoyed himself greatly.<p> 


	23. Chapter 23

"Look at that, Shizu-chan! You can see just how tall the buildings are compared to the trees."  
>"Yeah, it's like being in a forest."<br>Izaya failed to see how it was so but he knew that trying to figure out Shizuo was a waste of time. Meanwhile Shizuo was struggling a bit with the camera.  
>"This is complicated."<br>"American stuff, what's a guy to do. Give it to me, I'll take the shots for you. What do you want to capture?"  
>"The trees, and lake, and grass. You know, nature and stuff."<br>"You're a small town boy at heart."  
>Izaya aimed the camera and took a picture of Shizuo.<br>"Don't take pics of me, it's weird."  
>"Fine by me. Why don't you take pictures of me instead? I'm all for that!"<br>Shizuo flailed a bit more with the camera. Izaya guided Shizuo's hand to the button and taught him how to wait until the frame locked in.  
>"I got it now."<br>Izaya struck a pose and smiled to the camera. Shizuo frowned, Izaya was indeed a bit pretty if one forgot all about his dreadful personality.  
>"Let me see, let me see!"<br>They sat side by side, knees touching, Izaya fully engrossed in the camera and Shizuo too distracted by Izaya himself.  
>"I didn't botch the pics, right?"<br>"You didn't, I look as great in digital as I do in real life. Not even you or American technology can change that."  
>Dr. Phil popped from under a seat. And of course Shingen materialized too.<br>"Now, that's just prejudice, m'kay?"  
>Izaya was startled into jumping into Shizuo's lap.<br>"Will you stop appearing out of nowhere! And how do you manage to hide, you're not exactly small! And Gas Mask, do you have special camouflaging powers?"  
>Dr. Phil coughed and combed his moustache. Shizuo wanted to toss Izaya off the carriage but at the same time this was not an uncomfortable feeling, Izaya's arms around him.<br>"I'm sorry, looks like you were having some intimate time together."  
>Only now did Izaya realize just where he was. He scrambled away to another seat but a blush tinted his cheeks against his best efforts.<br>"You scared me, that's all."  
>"Want me to take a picture of you two together? Huh? To show to your friends back home? Or do I have to get a Japanese camera?"<br>Izaya was going to flat out reject the offer on the spot but he needed to do some damage management. And he fully expected Shizuo to say no.  
>"I don't care either way."<br>Shizuo started at this. He did not know exactly what to do and since he had decided to present a more or less united front to Dr. Phil he ended up agreeing.  
>"Sure, okay."<br>Dr. Phil took the camera.  
>"Now get closer, y'all. Smile."<br>Izaya had no problems smiling but Shizuo's awkwardness came across.  
>"Done. You can share it with friends and family and post it on Facebook."<br>"Let's not."  
>"Don't want people back home seeing me with the flea, they'd get the wrong idea."<br>Dr. Phil snickered.  
>"You guys went on a boat trip. How come you didn't stop at the Statue of Liberty?"<br>"No point in that. I've already seen the one in Odaiba."  
>"Yeah, I used to go there with Kasuka when he was little. It was fun."<br>"I like it too."

And on this good note they took the tour bus. Shizuo was not impressed, no matter what people said about New York: one saw a big city one had seen them all. Once in Fifth Avenue, however, Izaya was possessed by a fit of joy and proceeded to skip about.  
>"Walk normally already!"<br>"I am happy and it is my right to express it. So there. Take a picture!"  
>"Okay, just stay still! Can't lock the frame thingy when you're jumping about all crazy!"<br>Shizuo had to take many pictures of Izaya and he was engaged in that when a group of girls approached them.  
>"Oh my god, are you guys Japanese boys? So cute! Desu, desu!"<br>Shizuo blinked.  
>"Friends of yours, flea?"<br>"Er, no. I think they are...could it...oh no, Japanophiles!"  
>"The hell is that?"<br>Meanwhile the girls were snapping pictures of them with cell phones and chattering rapidly adding the mandatory 'desu desu' to each sentence.  
>"They're people who are too much into Japan. At the same time they are mostly clueless about it."<br>"What's with the 'desu desu' shit? Bloody annoying."  
>"They probably think it's very Japanese."<br>"Shit. Make them go away."  
>Izaya was about to do that when one of them saw fit to say,<br>"Oh my god, you're boyfriends, aren't you? How cute! _Kawaii!"_


	24. Chapter 24

"No. No, we're not."  
>"Desu desu! Did you come to New York to get married?"<br>"…do you people actually listen to the words I'm saying?"  
>Shizuo's frown deepened.<br>"If they're into Japan then why don't they just speak Japanese instead of adding random words in Japanese?"  
>"Because actually learning a foreign language takes time, time best employed gushing about homoerotic delusions as far as they know. Besides, if they don't understand what is being said, they can pretend it's dirty talk."<br>"We totally want to go to the wedding, desu desu desu!"  
>"It just got worse…look, I'm sure you can find someone of Japanese descent in NY to obsess about so just leave us alone. Neh?"<br>Izaya tried his prettiest sparkly smile.  
>"But that's not the same! We want real Japanese boys, as in from Japan! Desu desu desu desu! Japanese boys are our life!"<br>"You people do realize how borderline insulting that is…? It's inverted racism at its creepiest. You don't even see us as human beings, do you?"  
>"We love you! <em>Rabu, rabu, rabu-<em>"  
>Shizuo literally growled.<br>"Shut up! Crazy women, this is why I hate them!"  
>"Scary~ and hot!"<br>"Desu-"  
>The girl never got around to more senseless reiteration because Shizuo tossed her aside. To his surprise the rest of the gang busied itself taking pictures and squealing happily.<br>"Damn, they're worse than ganguro."  
>"Who knew it was possible, Shizu-chan. Maybe I should stomp on them some."<br>Dr. Phil appeared as he was wont to do. As did Shingen.  
>"Since you came all the way to the States you should learn more about American culture, m'kay."<br>"'American culture'? Oh my, isn't that a contradiction of terms."  
>"That's right, the only good country in the world is Japan, desu desu desu de-"<br>Another girl went hurtling through the air. Izaya stepped aside.  
>"Our sponsors want you two to watch the Justin Bieber movie. For publicity, you know?"<br>"Ah…no can do. I am not a masochist."  
>"Squee, M or S desu-"<br>Shizuo kicked the third girl out of the picture.  
>"It's either the movie or a concert. Your choice."<br>Shizuo spat on the pavement.  
>"The fuck is this Bie what's his name fellow?"<br>"Shizu-chan, blessed be the ignorant! And we'll take the lesser of two evils, the movie it is. Less retarded fans there."  
>The girls rallied and before Izaya could skip away they were on him.<br>"Super _kawaii_!"  
>"Er, girls, if it's Japanese people you like, let me introduce you to Shingen here."<br>Izaya placed Shingen between himself and the female crowd as something of a shield. They blinked at the gasmask.  
>"Is that some type of cosplay?"<br>"Not at all, Shingen is just so hardcore Japanese that he won't show his face outside of Japan! He also knows the entire Tale of Heike by heart."  
>Shingen was in a speechifying mode.<br>"Young ladies, it is good that you appreciate the wonder that is Japan. If only our own Japanese youth could see it as well but some, yes some, insist on importing strange habits such as coloring their hair."  
>Shingen shook his head and Izaya played along.<br>"Shameful, isn't it."  
>"The hell, at least I don't give Japan a bad name like Izaya fucking <em>flea<em>!"  
>"I do no such thing."<br>"Sing some Vocaloid! Desu desu desu!"  
>Dr. Phil coughed.<br>"We got to go now, m'kay. It is time for the movie."  
>Izaya left the silly girls with Shingen and escaped with Dr. Phil and Shizuo who was still annoyed.<br>"Hate this, hate this, hate this-"  
>"Save your hate for the movie, Shizu-chan. I assure you that it will be painful."<br>Shizuo snorted. Clearly he did not know who Justin Bieber was and was a happier man for that. Unfortunately not for long. The movie came with Japanese subtitles courtesy of Dr. Phil's crew so Shizuo could fully grasp the full scope of the horror, the horror. It was an ordeal and Shizuo found himself agreeing with Izaya's snarky comments. To make things worse the bug eyed lady Oprah was there as well and sitting far too close for comfort for Shizuo.  
>By the time Shizuo emerged from the theatre he needed a cigarette.<br>"Bloody awful."  
>Izaya nodded in approval.<br>"I can feel my brain melting and I believe my IQ just suffered a massive blow. Someone just shoot me to make the pain go away."  
>And with this dramatic pronouncement Izaya slumped on a bench and made his best to look half dead already.<p> 


	25. Chapter 25

"It wasn't that bad, m'kay?"  
>"Speak for yourself. You may be immune to disgusting pop sensations posing as actors but, I for one, am not. At least our Idols are cute!"<br>Shizuo did not catch this since there was no translator present but he must have caught the word 'idol'.  
>"Kasuka can mope the floor with that kid."<br>"Give me Kasuka any day of the week!"  
>"Yeah!"<br>Dr. Phil chuckled.  
>"Getting along, huh?"<br>Izaya rolled his eyes.  
>"How would you know? It's not as if you understood Japanese."<br>"Don't need to. I got my way."  
>"Good for you. Anyway, we've watched your stupid movie and it's getting late. I want to check out the club scene tonight."<br>"Fine by me. I can give you some pointers, m'kay."  
>"Right…"<p>

Izaya did not expect Dr. Phil to be a good guide to the night life in New York, as far as he could tell fat Texans with a preachy tendency were useless when it came to the wonders of clubbing. Not that Izaya cared much for dancing at all but then again he suspected most clubbers didn't either. Still, his motivations were different as was usual the case: Izaya was in it for observation purposes. His beloved humans behaved in most interesting ways after all.  
>He planned to stick around for the first boring club and then take off to enjoy the really hot places. Izaya was so sure that Dr. Phil would simply drag him to boring and tame joint, along with a grumbling Shizuo, that he did not notice anything was at all off until they were already inside. At which point the alarming number of men, leather and man-on-man action clinched.<br>"Izaya! This is one of those- those gay places!"  
>"Indeed…."<br>And just like that Dr. Phil was nowhere to be seen. Izaya was about to leave but he found his way blocked by a bunch of fellows bundled up in leather apparel for which many a calf had given its life. Izaya cursed his luck, he would like to check out some selective gay club but no, he had to be stuck with leather freaks of the creepy type.  
>"Shizu-chan, just kick them out the way will you?"<br>But to Izaya's extreme dismay Shizuo actually tried to hide behind him.  
>"I ain't touching them…no way."<br>"Er, what?"  
>"What if they contaminate me with the- with the gay! Not gonna happen! Not on my watch!"<br>"How useless can you possibly be?"  
>"You kick them."<br>Izaya sighed.  
>"And just how am I expected to do that? I am not the muscle head, you are!"<br>"Yeah, you're something of a wimp. Fucking flea!"  
>Shizuo returned to this familiar theme as some kids cling to their favorite blankets when things get scary.<br>"Just get rid of them before they rape us!"  
>Shizuo grumbled something and Izaya realized that Shizuo was ready to push him into the lustful crowd to save his ass, literally so. Ever one to think fast on his feet Izaya decided to take advantage of Shizuo's ignorance of the English language.<br>"Gentlemen, I am afraid that I am already committed. I'm with the big blonde there. And let me tell you, he is very strong and absurdly jealous so it's best if you keep away. Neh?"  
>Izaya smiled neutrally. And soon enough they scattered and kept to eyeing Izaya and Shizuo from afar. Mostly Shizuo, Izaya realized.<br>"Goes to show you gay people understand one another."  
>"Cork it. For your information I bet your type is more popular around these parts then yours truly."<br>Shizuo snorted.  
>"What did you tell them?"<br>"That we're a couple."  
>"IZAYA-"<br>"Save it for another day. It worked, didn't it?"  
>"I guess. Still, lying and bloody hell, that kind of lie, it's wrong."<br>"Whatever. Let's just get out of here. Unless someone's caught your fancy. If that's the case don't let me stop you."  
>Shizuo snorted anew.<br>"Like hell! Ugly dudes, not my thing. At least you're cute and you were real hot as a girl in my dream- I mean, fucking flea!"  
>"Ah…it's been a long day so let's just go back to the caravan. And why we can't stay in a normal hotel is beyond me."<br>They hailed a cab that dropped them on their mobile temporary house. Shizuo immediately began to twiddle his thumbs as soon as they got to the bedroom.


	26. Chapter 26

"Don't wanna sleep in the same bed as you, er, you know, right."  
>"Try sentences next time. It just so happens that I have a plan so stop fretting. You go to sleep first on your side of bed and I'll stay up and catch up on my reading. By the time you're in lala land I'll then go to sleep on my side of bed. That way we won't lie awake wondering if the other is sleeping or not."<br>"Oh, good idea."  
>"Don't I know it."<br>Shizuo relaxed. This entire experience was crazy and this particular day absurdly hectic, he was looking forward to catching some shuteye. Shizuo turned around and his heart nearly stopped.  
>"What- what the <em>hell<em> are you wearing?"  
>"My night undies."<br>And indeed Izaya sported a tightly fit piece of underwear, black with a fluffy fur trim. And nothing else.  
>"You sleep in those?"<br>"I do, yes. Do you have a problem?"  
>"That's like sleeping naked!"<br>"Again, do you have a problem with that?"  
>Shizuo had plenty of problems. He threw one of his shirts at Izaya.<br>"Wear that."  
>"Ew, Shizu-chan's clothes! This is like a dress on me."<br>"Wear it, goddamnit!"  
>"Is this clean…?"<br>"Of course it's clean! Are you saying that I'm dirty?"  
>Izaya wrinkled his nose.<br>"Okay, I'll wear it…if I have to."  
>Izaya was of course going to strip down to his undies as soon as Shizuo was asleep. Something occurred to Shizuo, his suspicious nature kicking into gear.<br>"You're not gonna do weird things to me after I'm asleep? Are you?"  
>"I've told you more than once that you're not my type."<br>"You saying I'm not good enough? Huh? That what you saying?"  
>"Why are you upset all of sudden?"<br>Shizuo floundered, grumbled some and hid under the covers.  
>"Eh, Shizu-chan, do you normally sleep with your clothes on?"<br>"Shut up! None of your bloody business!"  
>"Ah…suit yourself. And I hope you don't snore."<br>Izaya busied himself working on his laptop after which he spun some on a swivel chair because he was on withdraw. By the time he was done Shizuo was fast asleep and fortunately not snoring. Izaya ditched the shirt, placed some fat pillow as a barrier and after stretching most catlike and yawning he settled for dreaming of fluffy futons.

Shizuo too had a dream and it included a futon as well. But more importantly, it included the ever illusive girl Izaya. Hot and curvy despite being on the thin side. Just when things were getting good, girl Izaya being something a tease, Shizuo was rudely brought back to the waking world by an annoying voice that despite being familiar he could not momentarily place. In fact, as he blinked awake he did not notice much of a difference between the amazing girl Izaya and the person lying underneath him who just so happened to be the actual Izaya.  
>"Get off me, you brute!"<br>"…'zaya? You're a guy again…? Shit…"  
>"I don't even! Get <em>off<em> me, right now!"  
>Izaya squirmed underneath Shizuo in an attempt to escape and slapped him hard across the face.<br>"Hey! That hurt!"  
>"Shi-zu-o, kindly get off me before I claw your eyes out."<br>And Shizuo could very well believe it. Shizuo's grogginess was gone now.  
>"Huh, sorry, I was having a dream and there was this chick, yeah, you know like I told you that you were a girl in my other dream, it was like that-"<br>"That's it, you're sleeping on the floor."  
>"What? You can't do that to me!"<br>"On the contraire. I can and I will. Be glad I don't sue you for attempted rape!"  
>Shizuo was ready to respond but he noticed that Izaya was wearing nothing but skimpy and most definitely weird underwear.<br>"Why are you dressed like a slut! No wonder I get weird dreams! With you acting like a whore!"  
>Izaya's jaw came undone.<br>"Hello, I was sleeping when you attacked me and it is my fault because of my underwear? Are you retarded? No wait, no need to answer."  
>"Is that fur?"<br>"Stop changing the subject here. The floor with you, right now. You do not want to make me cross, Heiwajima Shizuo. Trust me on this."  
>Izaya did not quite glare but there was a menacing aura around him that Shizuo recognized as dangerous. It was also very sexy. Shizuo gathered some pillows and blankets that he carried to the floor.<p> 


	27. Chapter 27

"No need to flip a lid and you shouldn't get naked like that, I mean, mind goes places-"  
>"As if you had any right to tell me not to lose my temper."<br>Shizuo fluffed a pillow hard enough to rupture it. Feathers filled the air causing Izaya to cough.  
>"Hey, you okay?"<br>"What do you think? No, I'm _not_ okay, you Neanderthal!"  
>"I said I'm sorry…what are you doing?"<br>Izaya was bundling up, having already put on a shirt he now put on three pairs of boxers and put on three extra shirts and two pairs of pants.  
>"Insurance in case you turn rapist on me again."<br>It made Izaya look very much like a human sausage. His mobility was also greatly impaired.  
>"You don't have to dress like that, I won't do anything, it was all a dream-"<br>"I don't care. For all I know you'll get sleepwalker sex predator on me."  
>Shizuo was very offended.<br>"Sex predator? Like hell, that's not me- in my dream you're a hot chick and you want me to do you-"  
>Izaya threw a pillow at Shizuo and hit him square in the face.<br>"And you better not whisper a word of this to Dr. Phil."  
>"'kay…I kind of have to, you know…"<br>"Jerk off in the bathroom, no way in hell I'm helping you. Get female Izaya to do that for you."  
>Shizuo did not even protest. Sleeping on the floor turned out to be as uncomfortable as he thought it would.<p>

The following day both Izaya and Shizuo were very annoyed. They had slept poorly, paranoia woke up Izaya at intervals and because the many layers of clothing were almost as cumbersome as lying on the floor most of the night. So of the two Izaya's night might have been even worse than Shizuo's.  
>Either way, when Dr. Phil appeared in the morning in his happy-go-lucky way, none of them was pleased.<br>"What do you want?"  
>"We have a full day ahead of us, m'kay? Today is Oprah's last show, live from Times Square and you're invited. Great honor."<br>Izaya rolled his eyes.  
>"What-ever."<br>"What's with the dark circles under your eyes? Stayed up all night with Shizuo? Hmm?"  
>Shizuo was at a loss, no translator being provided.<br>"Oh please, will you stop fishing for juicy things to feed your homolust hungry audience already? And they say our TV shows are crazy."  
>Dr. Phil nodded.<br>"M'kay, fair enough. Just be on the show."

Shizuo did not like makeup, it was after all hardly manly, Izaya did not care either way. Oprah's makeup team was very happy to get their hands on them. Shizuo had yet to connect a name to the bug-eyed lady so when he saw her appear and smile all creepily, he was rather surprised. The fact that he could not understand a word coming from her mouth did not reassure him either.  
>"Hello! So happy to have you guys on the Oprah show! Two hot dudes all the way from Tokyo!"<br>Izaya yawned. Oprah sank her fingers into Shizuo's arm much to his discomfort.  
>"Izaya, it's that woman again!"<br>But Izaya was not in the mood for even acknowledging Shizuo's existence.  
>"While we wait for our interpreter, let me ask you something. Do you have a gaydar?"<br>Izaya blinked. There was something about stupidity that at the moment he found highly offensive and not at all amusing. A sleepless night did that.  
>"No. No, I don't."<br>"Really?"  
>"…really."<br>"Here he is, hi Tom!"  
>Tom walked over to the stage and kissed Oprah on the cheek. Izaya and Shizuo gasped.<br>"Sorry I'm late, aunt."  
>"Aunt?"<br>In his stupefaction Izaya forgot to speak English. Shizuo frowned.  
>"Damn, bug eyed lady is Tom's aunt? Lucky you didn't get the bug eyes, that'd suck."<br>"Oprah is your aunt?"  
>Tom took a seat.<br>"Yeah, I don't advertise it but-"  
>"How come I didn't know about this!"<br>"You don't have to know everything about people, Orihara-san…"  
>Izaya jabbed a finger at Tom.<br>"Of course I must know everything about people! I'm Orihara Izaya! That I missed something like this is a disgrace!"  
>"Like I said, I don't advertise it-"<br>"That's irrelevant, I always dig for what people hide. I can't believe it, I must be losing qualities."  
>Shizuo muttered something then spoke a bit louder.<br>"Can you tell her to stop hogging me? It's creeping me out! I'm not into bug eyed women! No offense but she's not my type!"  
>Tom took the cue from Oprah and asked,<br>"What kind of woman is your type, by the way?"


	28. Chapter 28

Shizuo gave it some thought. At least he had enough sense not to mention girl Izaya. As for Izaya he was still livid because of his oversight.  
>"I like that blonde girl from that band, An Café."<br>"…they're all guys in that band…"  
>"The small chick, at times she wears pigtails. Haven't seen or heard of her in a while, what was her name again…I forgot."<br>Tom was at a loss and so he turned to Izaya. Meanwhile Oprah showed the picture of said musician on a larger than life screen. Oprah made weird noises.  
>"Izaya, you know about An Cafe, right? I think you should tell Shizuo that they're all guys in the band."<br>On second thought Tom would rather Shizuo heard about the truth from Izaya than from him. Safer that way. The picture got Izaya's attention.  
>"Why's Bou on TV?"<br>"Bou, yeah, that's her name. Cute girl. I like her a lot."  
>Izaya blinked once. Twice. Then burst out laughing, his body shaking as he rocked back and forth, arms clutching his belly as giggles pealed from him.<br>"Oh you idiot! Bou is a guy, a guy! That's Visual Kei for you! They're real life traps!"  
>Shizuo blushed, flailed, Tom translated to the audience and his aunt but at a distance. Just in case.<br>"No way! I've seen her wearing dresses and short skirts! She can't be a guy!"  
>"Well, 'she' is a guy alright! Shame Bou quit the band, it'll be difficult for you to lust after him now. Such a shame."<br>"Er, Tom…is the blonde chick really a guy?"  
>"I'm afraid so."<br>Shizuo was stupefied into silence. Izaya was in mood for being mean.  
>"Don't worry Shizu-chan, I'm sure Bou is a woman in your dreams!"<br>"Don't go bringing my dreams into this!"  
>"If you want to be angry at someone be angry at your pal Tom."<br>Shizuo frowned in Tom's direction.  
>"Didn't like it that you told folk about my dream, Tom. That really wasn't cool."<br>Tom cursed Izaya.  
>"Sorry, but I thought it was funny and my aunt loves funny stories."<br>"It's not funny!"  
>Oprah chirped.<br>"To celebrate and give you guys a hand we invited the amazing team, the Fab Five! Give it up to the Fab Five! Fab Five! Fab Five!"  
>"Will you stop saying the same thing over and over, lady! Bug eyed, too."<br>"Desu desu!"  
>Izaya's mood for mischief was back with a vengeance.<br>"It's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the Japanese edition!"  
>The audience became hysteric. Shizuo did not even know why, he had no idea who the making their way to the stage were supposed to be. Izaya winced.<br>"I don't need their advice and I am not even straight. Besides, those guys creep me out greatly."  
>Oprah gasped.<br>"Is that a confession? So you're gay! Do you have a gaydar? How about the gaydar!"  
>"…you've asked me this before. And matters aren't black and white, I have two words for you: Kinsey Scale. I'm right in the middle."<br>"I have problems with the scale, keeps adding extra pounds that I swear are not there! I've tried every diet under the sun. My nutritionist keep telling me and Gayle that we got to work out but you girls know how it is, right? "  
>A murmur of approval from the audience.<br>"Not that kind of scale. And how about you try the, 'not eating like a pig' diet?"  
>Shizuo had something to offer to this discussion, too:<br>"Yeah and you'd lose an extra kilo if your eyes were smaller. STOP TOUCHING ME, you creepo!"  
>The Fab Five expert committed the grave error of trying to change Shizuo's clothes with some groping throw in for good measure. Shizuo dashed to the other end of the Izaya to put distance between himself and the contagion of gay. As Shizuo sat down suddenly Izaya's end of the sofa shot into the air and up went Izaya. Fortunately Izaya was very agile and twirled midair to land on his feet with catlike ease. He bowed to the crowd.<br>"This moment was brought to you by Sony."  
>It did not surprise Tom that Izaya was sponsored. But it did surprise him that Shizuo was terrified of the Fab Five.<br>"You weirdos better keep away! Shoo, shoo."  
>Sure enough one of them produced one of those dogs-in-purse animals and went,<br>"But don't eat her, Miss Precious is not food."  
>It was meant to be a joke. It did not work. Izaya grew solemn.<br>"Your lack of respect for my country leaves me no choice. Please commit harakiri and redeem yourself."


	29. Chapter 29

Ted Allen stepped up.  
>"Now hold it just a second, you can't just imply that we're ignorant about other cultures. I know a lot about Japanese cuisine."<br>Izaya was not even remotely impressed.  
>"Oh really? Good for you. Doesn't change the fact that Californian rolls of sushi are a blasphemy and an offense to all things sushi."<br>Shizuo was still too wrapped up in shock.  
>"No way Bou is a boy, such a cute girl…what is wrong with the world! When pretty girls turn out to be dudes! It's just totally wrong!"<br>The tiny dog barked. It sounded like a whelp. Oprah glued herself to Shizuo's arm much to his distress.  
>"Shizu-chan, Oprah is all woman! Take the chance! You can be in the family, Tom is sure to approve."<br>Shizuo shot him a murderous glare. Ted Allen pressed on.  
>"So, are you saying that you're bisexual?"<br>"That is exactly right."  
>Oprah elbowed Izaya and nearly knocked him down.<br>"Did you just confess? It's a coming out of the closet event!"  
>"I always said I was bi, no need to blow it out of proportion."<br>Oprah was confused.  
>"Does this mean you also like the vajajay?"<br>Tom had no idea how to translate this particular linguistic quirk of his aunt's and so he did not translate it at all.  
>"'Vajajay'?"<br>"You know what I mean!"  
>Shizuo caught the weird word that he could not understand.<br>"Dunno what you yappin' about, lady, but it sounds freaky so I bet Izaya is into it!"  
>"Oh! Now I get what you mean. But why use silly names, do you have the intellect of a six year old?"<br>"Vajajay!"  
>Oprah's eyes threatened to pop out of her skull. Shizuo returned to his source of worry.<br>"If cute girls turn out to be guys does that mean that cute guys turn out to be girl? Doesn't make sense! How about that band with the cute singing girls? Are they guys?"  
>"Can you be a little bit less vague?"<br>"The band with the girls! Korean band, I think."  
>"Girls' Generation?"<br>"That one! Are they guys…?"  
>"No. No, they're not. They're girls."<br>Shizuo heaved a sigh of relief.  
>"Yeah, no way they could be guys. Cuz of the name."~<br>"Actually, that doesn't mean much. Alice Nine is actually a bunch of guys."  
>"This is why I like enka, you can always tell if the singers are guys or girls. I don't like this confusion!"<br>Izaya wrinkled his nose in disdain.  
>"And they all sound like dying cats regardless of gender."<br>"Don't you talk trash about enka! That's true Japanese music."  
>"Right…"<br>Shizuo needed to make up for lost ground so he lashed against Izaya, pointing a finger at him.  
>"These Americans don't know shit about enka but you're supposed to be able to appreciate it! They should take away your passport! You don't deserve to be Japanese!"<br>"Oh gee. How about you, not seeing through the VK gender thing disqualifies you as a Japanese citizen."  
>"Says who!"<br>"Me. By the way, are you sure this girl Izaya you see in your dreams isn't male too? All things considered."  
>"Girl Izaya is a girl! She has boobs and, and, and-"<br>"Vajajay?"  
>"Don't know what the fuck that is!"<br>"Just ask Tom."  
>Once again Tom cursed Izaya. Unlike Shingen who translated all things, bonus points for potentially awkward lines, Tom did not like going into weird territory and the last thing he wanted was to have to deal with Shizuo flailing. Fortunately he did not have to worry too much since Shizuo was not paying much attention anyway.<br>"Girl Izaya is a wonderful woman! She's not a dude! You're a dude!"  
>"Wow, did you find that out all by yourself? I am impressed!"<br>Izaya skipped on stage all happily. He had forgotten all about the Fab Five but they had not forgotten him.  
>"So, you're part of the LGBT community?"<br>"I am Orihara Izaya, a party of one."  
>"He ain't got friends because he's nasty."<br>Izaya batted his eyelashes and softened his voice.  
>"I'm Girl-Izaya and I'm so adorable, don't you just looooove me?"<br>Tom had to laugh.  
>"It's not funny! And where is the bald man, he was supposed to help me deal with Kasuka!"<br>And as if on cue Dr. Phil appeared and walked to the sofas amidst cheers. Izaya noticed that the crowd cheered considerably more when Oprah made her grand appearance.  
>"M'kay, we got Kasuka on the line. He's got a few things to tell you."<br>Indeed, a large screen popped out of nowhere and sure enough Kasuka was on it.  
>"Kasuka!"<br>"Nii-chan, Izaya-san, hello. I hope you're having fun overseas."


	30. Chapter 30

"Sucks being here with this flea."  
>"Hi there, Kasuka. Great to see that you remain a reasonable person, unlike your idiot brother."<br>"I just wanted to tell you that it is about time you stop beating around the bush and get to it."  
>Shizuo gasped.<br>"Get to it…?"  
>"You are obsessed with Izaya-san, it is all you talk about."<br>"That's not true, it's just that he's always getting me into trouble. Why are you taking his side, you're my little brother…lady, will you go away already?"  
>Oprah had latched to Shizuo again like a clam to a rock.<br>"Miss Oprah, don't scare nii-chan. He is a gentle soul down deep and easily emotionally scarred."  
>Izaya chuckled as Shizuo turned a shade of beetroot red. Dr. Phil leaned dangerously on his perch.<br>"Now, had you ever heard about this 'girl Izaya'?"  
>"I didn't know about the girl part but I've heard nii-chan call out Izaya's name in his sleep more than once."<br>Judging by the smug look on Dr. Phil's face this was no surprising revelation to him. It made Izaya wonder just how much the good doctor had talked to their relatives and acquaintances. And how much they had told him.  
>"It's not like that! Of course I have nightmares with Izaya, he haunts my dreams! It's not that kind of dream!"<br>"Nii-chan, I see everything and I know all about you. I can tell what kind of dream it was by the way you were moaning 'Izaya-kun'."  
>"Then, then- it must have been girl Izaya!"<br>"I heard nothing about any girl, just 'Izaya-kun'. That is why I think you should just get it on instead of acting so clueless."  
>Izaya turned to Shizuo.<br>"Do you '-kun' the porn female version of me? Now that is strange."  
>"Er, it's a habit of mine…if Izaya is involved then it's got to be '-kun'."<br>Dr. Phil had something to add to this conversation.  
>"I thought girl Izaya wasn't actually Izaya. So which is it? Huh? Huh?"<br>"Huh?"  
>Izaya echoed.<br>"All that I've got to say is that I'm not involved in this. _I_ never had any Shizu-chan themed dreams, fortunately."  
>"So you don't want to rape nii-chan?"<br>"No. No, I don't."  
>"I see. I think that you're a good match, nii-chan is really a sweet heart and a good contrast to your snarkiness."<br>Dr. Phil nodded.  
>"You shouldn't act like a matchmaker, this is Izaya…you know I hate him!"<br>"Yes and I also know you lust after him."  
>Shizuo choked. Normally Izaya would gloat but by now he knew it would backfire.<br>"I like girl Izaya, she isn't Izaya…"  
>"Nii-chan, Izaya is Izaya."<br>The tautology was impressive.  
>"But, but- tell him it isn't like that!"<br>"Kasuka-kun,"  
>"Use bloody '-san' when addressing my little brother!"<br>Izaya rolled his eyes.  
>"Kasuka-<em>sama<em>,"  
>"And now you're making fun of him!"<br>Yet Kasuka was absolutely cool as a cucumber.  
>"Okay fine. Kasuka-san, there seems to have a misunderstanding here. Your brother is a bit on the dense side and so he ends up digging his own grave more often than not. In reality I have no doubts as to his absolute heterosexuality. Shizu-chan is a silly straight man with a bearish attitude."<br>Kasuka nodded.  
>"But this only works to my advantage. If you don't fancy nii-chan and you are single then that means I have a chance."<br>Shizuo's brain imploded at this point. And Izaya's halted for a split second.  
>"No way, no way in hell! I won't admit it! OVER MY DEAD BODY!"<br>Izaya blinked. And blinked again.  
>"Er, I didn't know you had such inclinations…"<br>"I like cute people and it is difficult to find anyone as cute as me. Izaya-san just so happens to fit the bill."  
>Something went off in Shizuo's already taxed mind. Part of it was stress, part of it was an misdirected case of brotherly devotion.<br>"I'd rather date Izaya instead!"  
>Dr. Phil zeroed in on this as Izaya face-palmed.<br>"Hmm…now that's mighty interesting. Mighty interesting indeed! M'kay!"  
>"I won't let you turn my little brother into a gay degenerate!"<br>"Trust me on this, I have no intention of even attempting such a thing."  
>Oprah did not like being ignored so she saw fit to get people to notice her.<br>"What about vajajay? Do you like vajajay?"  
>No one paid any attention. But her grating voice reminded Shizuo of a pet peeve that was becoming hateful to him.<br>"You Americans brought the gay with your black ships! We shouldn't have let you in!"


	31. Chapter 31

"Shizu-chan, did you ever pick up a history book in your whole life?"  
>"That guy, Berry. I know about him."<br>"Clearly not enough to get the name right. It's 'Perry' not 'Berry'."  
>"Berry, Merry, Perry, Cherry, I don't give a fuck what his name is! Him and the rest of them Americans brought the gay!"<br>"You do realize that homosexuality was actually prevalent in some circles in Japan back in the day?"  
>"You're making that up to justify all the gayness in Shinjuku, right where you live!"<br>"…Shinjuku did not even exist back then."  
>Dr. Phil did another of his gravity defying turns.<br>"What's this talk about Shinjuku?"  
>"Shizu-chan is talking about the gay district in Shinjuku, it's Tokyo's biggest-"<br>"That's right, right where he lives!"  
>"-and conveniently ignoring how big a place Shinjuku is. For your information my apartment isn't even close to the gay district. If you had half a brain you'd realized that by now not to mention you've actually been there. Do you really think I could run an information agency from a gay district? Are you that stupid? My office has to be in a respectable part of town otherwise my clients wouldn't go there for fear of being suspected."<br>"Nii-chan, what were you doing in Izaya-san's house?"  
>"Er, that was- I mean, I went there to give him fair warning not to go to my turf."<br>"There are telephones for that."  
>Shizuo spluttered.<br>"Yeah but he wouldn't listen without me putting some brawn into it. Got to show him who is boss or he'll walk over me."  
>"Wearing black stilettos?"<br>"Say what?"  
>Izaya laughed.<br>"I like the mental picture, Kasuka!"  
>"Izaya-san seems to be very S."<br>Shizuo blinked as did Dr. Phil who did not quite understand the translation. By now Tom had regretted ever agreeing to participating in his aunt's show, he left 'S' non-translated.  
>"Dunno what that is but Izaya is a man slut! He wears weird furry undies to sleep!"<br>Tom truly wished he did not have to translate this.  
>"Black underwear with a fur trim? I wear that myself."<br>"Kasuka! How could you!"  
>Shizuo was so mortified it was amusing. And even more so as Kasuka produced a specimen of said underwear. Oprah made shocked noises.<br>"That's the thong version. How risqué of your little brother!"  
>Shizuo grabbed Izaya by the jacket and proceeded to shake him as he was wont to do.<br>"You are dead! So dead!"  
>"Why- so- violent-"<br>"Nii-chan, stop roughing up Izaya-san or I will stare at you."  
>"No need for that, Kasuka...I'm just worried, don't want my little brother involved with Izaya."<br>Shizuo let go of Izaya. Kasuka nodded and added in his softest tone, which was very soft indeed.  
>"Because you want Izaya-san for yourself."<br>Before Shizuo could spring a passionate protest Dr. Phil intervened and muted Shizuo's microphone.  
>"M'kay, these two have spent too long in New York. Join us next week as they travel through the heartland of America on their caravan. Your next stop is Kentucky."<br>"No way! I want to stay in New York, what's there to see in Kentucky?"  
>Izaya's shock was great.<br>"Plenty of things."  
>"Like what?"<br>"Many things, m'kay. Trust me on this."  
>"You can't even name one!"<br>"Izaya-san, there is Kentucky Fried Chicken. I am sure you can eat it without getting fat."  
>"Oh curses."<br>Dr. Phil piped,  
>"And Kasuka will be joining us weekly. Stay tuned!"<br>"Weekly? Just how long are we supposed to stay on this show-"  
>And just like this the show came to an end, Oprah having no saying in it.<p>

As Izaya and Shizuo returned to the caravan to have another grand brawl of epic proportions Dr. Phil had a little chat with Kasuka via teleconference.  
>"You got some skills, your plan worked. I've been working on these two for a while now but you got your brother to actually propose to date Izaya."<br>"Yes and from now on I will keep doing my best to get nii-chan and Izaya-san together."  
>"You got an agenda, don't you?"<br>"I don't confirm or deny anything. Do not push the matter or I will stare at you."  
>"By golly, don't."<br>Dr. Phil had only heard of this infamous stare but he knew when someone was more than he could handle. Izaya would qualify if not for having a chip on his shoulder, Kasuka had no weak points.


	32. Chapter 32

"This is how it's going to go down, Shizu-chan. I'm South Korea, you're North Korea and this line is Parallel 38. You stay on your side and I'll stay on mine. Got it?"  
>Izaya had just designed new room arrangements that included dividing the chamber into two sections, down to actually drawing a line on the floor and all.<br>"What the hell, why do I have to be North Korea?"  
>"Because you are crazy, violent, belligerent, unlikable, untrustworthy-"<br>"Fuck that! And how come you keep the bed?"  
>Izaya folded his arms. He had indeed made it so that the bed was firmly planted on his side of the room, leaving Shizuo to bunk down in a corner.<br>"I cannot be expected to sleep on the floor all the way to Kentucky."  
>"What, and I can? It'll be real uncomfortable!"<br>"Sucks being you, then. You have plenty of muscle to cushion you. I don't."  
>"That's what you get for being all skinny!"<br>"It is called 'lithe'."  
>"Skinny is skinny, don't go calling it weird names."<br>"'Lithe'".  
>"Skinny!"<br>"'Lithe'".  
>"Skinny!"<br>"'Lithe'".  
>"SKINNY! SKINNY IS FUCKING SKINNY AND THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! PUT SOME MEAT ON YOUR BONES!"<br>"Go to Pyongyang and stay there."  
>There was more screaming and wild gesticulating. It was going to be a very long trip.<p>

"I hate this,"  
>Izaya said.<br>"I love it here."  
>Shizuo said. If there was ever an example of how different they were this was it. Along with Tom they were on the riverbank in what Izaya would qualify as the middle of nowhere. Shizuo had sat down and was happily bathing his feet in the stream and taking in the lush landscape. Izaya sat with his arms folded and a look of discontent that matched Shizuo's happiness in intensity. Tom was a bit removed and wondering just how his aunt had talked him into joining this crazy ride.<br>"What's there to love? There's nothing here!"  
>"Shut up, you're scaring away the fishies."<br>Izaya rolled his eyes and turned his back with a flourish.  
>"Fine. I'm out of here, there should be a town or something like that somewhere."<br>But Izaya did not get very far. Before he was out of sight his path was obstructed by a bear. He immediately froze out of sheer panic. Izaya could do nothing, not even scream for help and just as he was sure he was about to be mauled to death the bear went flying out of the picture. It took Izaya a split second to realize what had happened.  
>"Stupid bear, scaring off the fish."<br>"Eh, Shizu-chan? Did you just punch the bear?"  
>"Yeah."<br>"Just how crazy strong are you?"  
>"Dunno. And why do you have to be South Korea,"<br>"Never mind that now."  
>Tom tiptoed closer.<br>"Shizuo, glad to see you doing the right thing and saving Orihara-san-"  
>Shizuo flailed greatly, blushing to a deep shade of crimson.<br>"Saving? No one was saving him, I just wanted to get rid of the bear! It's not like I like Izaya or anything! I'd be happy if a bear killed him!"  
>Izaya face-palmed.<br>"What, so now you're all _tsundere_? What's that all about?"  
>"You take that back! And you're North Korea, I'm South Korea."<br>Tom was confused.  
>"Korea…? What are you guys talking about?"<br>But both Izaya and Shizuo ignored him completely.  
>"You're North Korea through and through. I bet you have hidden nuclear arsenal."<br>"Oh yeah? Just where would I hide it!"  
>"Your pants."<br>"My pants aren't nuclear! You fucking flea!"  
>"Inside your pants. I always suspected you give people cancer."<br>Normally Izaya tended to make sense even when throwing insults at Shizuo but being in the countryside unnerved him considerably. There were wild animals around, it was too bright and Izaya did not appreciate having something of a debt of gratitude towards Shizuo.  
>"You're the one that gives cancer to people! Just by looking at them! And, and, and,"<br>"'And'?"  
>"I'm getting to it! Don't you rush me! And you got cooties!"<br>"Gee, how mature of you. North Korea."  
>"I ain't North Korea!"<br>"Nuclear rapist North Korea."  
>"Who'd want to rape you! And get your cooties! Flea cooties!"<br>"You wouldn't get anyone to give you the time of day even if you were the only man alive on the planet. Humanity would rather perish."  
>"I fucking told you not to use words I don't understand!"<br>"Fine, 'go back to your Great Leader', can you copy that?"  
>Just as they were reaching a fever pitch a local emerged from the bushes, bible in hand, and wailing,<br>"Have you heard about JESUS?"


	33. Chapter 33

Tom was still reeling from this unpleasant surprise and Shizuo still blinking at the weird newcomer but Izaya was not at all phased.  
>"Me no speak English."<br>"Orihara-san….?"  
>"No English. Love Jesus! Friend, hates Jesus."<br>And of course Izaya pointed at Shizuo.  
>"What is the flea saying now! And who's this guy?"<br>"I am John Craig the third, preacher of this church. We're reaching out to the lost. My fellow, it is great that you have accepted Jesus as your lord and savior but don't go sneaking into our borders like that, we don't need no Mexican aliens."  
>Tom knew that it was up to him to clear up the odd misunderstanding and he did not even want to know why Izaya was trying to pass as Christian. Either way Izaya was also pretending not to speak English, just enough to put Shizuo in a tight spot.<br>"We're Japanese and we're not here illegally."  
>"It no matter where you're from, y'all need Jesus! Jesus saves! SAVES!"<br>"My friend he POSSESSED!"  
>And Izaya gasped dramatically, too dramatically. Clearly his 'I no English' act needed some concessions. For now he opted to dropping the verbs.<br>"Tom, what's he babbling about? And who is the fellow?"  
>"POSSESSED you say? You gotta take you to my church, we're doing a special exorcism workshop."<br>Tom did not at all want to translate.  
>"Me help!"<br>And with this Izaya snatched the bible from the crazy preacher's grip and used it to bang on Shizuo's head, repeatedly.  
>"The fuck! Get away!"<br>Tom supposed that this was bible thumping, the literal version.  
>"He also North Korea."<br>The preacher perked up at this.  
>"Can't be having no North Korea in this country! This is America, it is GOD'S country!"<br>There was a limit to how in character Izaya could be and his troll ways now get the best of him as he burst out laughing.  
>"It's like Children of the Corn, I can't believe people like this actually exist in real life!"<br>"Stop hitting me already!"  
>Shizuo grabbed Izaya by the jacket lapels and without further ado tossed him into the stream. Izaya caused a big splash and fumed as he scrambled back to his feet, stumbling on the reeds and falling in the water a few times.<br>"You! You just ruined my jacket!"  
>The preacher was not about to be ignored any longer and produced a shotgun topped by a cross on the barrel.<br>"I'm gonna shoot you in the name of JESUS! Dyed in the blood of the lamb!"  
>Shizuo snapped the shotgun in two and tossed it aside.<br>"Violence is wrong! And you, stay where you are and enjoy nature!"  
>This last bit was aimed at Izaya who was still trying to plod his way out of the stream with little success. The soaked jacket slowed him down and Tom could not help thinking that the wet fur gave Izaya the look of an angry kitten left out in the rain.<br>"I'll kill you! Got that, Shizu-chan! I'll kill you!"  
>Izaya did not sound even remotely impressive. The preacher broke down wailing as he cradled the broken shotgun.<br>"Aha, who is North Korea now, huh? HUH? With your threats and threatening! That's what North Korea does!"  
>Tom retreated behind a tree.<br>"You signed your death sentence when you went for my jacket!"  
>Apparently Izaya was more upset over his jacket than anything else.<br>"Fuck you and your jacket! What you doing? Don't go getting naked!"  
>Izaya had removed the jacket and was struggling with the current anew.<br>"I'm trying to salvage it. You will pay for this. I am suing you!"  
>"It's payback! Last time I got my clothes drenched because of you!"<br>"Oh shut up, that was your fault for not knocking."  
>Izaya tripped and the undertow carried him downstream.<br>"Help!"  
>"Where you think you're going! I ain't done with you!"<br>"…! Shut the hell up and help me!"  
>Shizuo blinked a few times and then chased him downstream.<br>"You deserve to drown!"  
>"My jacket!"<br>Shizuo fished him out of the water but the famous jacket disappeared down a bend.  
>"You, with the wet clothes, they get all glued to you…shows what kind of person you are!"<br>"I don't even know what that is supposed to mean but more importantly, my jacket is gone!"  
>Shizuo shook him, getting some drops of water on himself as a result.<br>"Jacket, jacket, jacket, jacket, that's all you talk about! You and your stupid jacket! It's like you like that jacket more than you like me!"  
>"Say what?"<br>Shizuo blushed and finally let go of him.  
>"I mean, er, North Korea!"<p> 


	34. Chapter 34

It came as no surprise that the bank of reeds on which Izaya had tripped turned out to be Dr. Phil himself wearing scuba diving gear. He now emerged and removed the mask.  
>"M'kay, you boys are getting mighty friendly. All good."<br>Izaya sneezed.  
>"Go to hell, fatso."<br>Tom approached carefully.  
>"Is everything Okay?"<br>"No, everything is not Okay! Take your blonde pal, ahchoo- gah."  
>Izaya shivered and looked absolutely miserable. Too much to even notice that Dr. Phil looked very much like a bloated toad at the moment.<p>

As a result of this adventure Izaya ended up catching a nasty cold. He retired to bed where he buried himself under the covers shivering miserably and cursing his luck.  
>"You should eat something…"<br>Izaya groaned and pulled a blanket over his head.  
>"Gah…can't eat anything except for miso soup."<br>"There ain't no miso soup around here."  
>Shizuo had dragged Tom from house to house asking for ingredients to make miso soup but to no avail, in the heart of Kentucky such delicacies were nowhere to be found. Tom did not expect Shizuo to be so concerned but Shizuo felt guilty since he had been the one to toss Izaya into the river in the first place. And of course the camera crew followed.<br>"Hate this country, hate everything."  
>Sickness made Izaya very petty and childish. He attributed being sick both to America and to Shizuo in equal doses.<br>"I got you some chicken soup, it's good too."  
>"Don't want it."<br>Izaya furrowed deeply in bed, making a barrier of pillows between himself and Shizuo. Even pillows felt heavy.  
>"You got to eat or you'll get sicker."<br>"Just go away."  
>Izaya rolled on his back and Shizuo was alarmed.<br>"You don't look too good, I think you got a fever."  
>"Whatever- what do you think you're doing?"<br>Shizuo was placing his lips on Izaya's forehead, ignoring all complaints.  
>"Like I thought, you've got a fever. That's it, you're eating your soup now."<br>Izaya complained weakly as Shizuo propped him up.  
>"I said I don't want to,"<br>"There, here comes a spoon. Open wide."  
>"Did you just lose your mind?"<br>"Like this 'ah'."  
>Izaya was so surprised that he obeyed and ended up swallowing a spoonful. Shizuo fed him as if he did this on a daily basis.<br>"Oh god, there was poison in this, wasn't there?"  
>"Nah. It's all good."<br>To prove a point Shizuo had a spoon himself. Izaya chuckled.  
>"It's an indirect kiss! And that doesn't prove anything, I bet you're immune to poison since you're so beastly."<br>"If you can act all snarky then you can eat."  
>Just then Tom walked into the bedroom, saw Shizuo with a spoon ready for Izaya and turned around to leave.<br>"Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt."  
>"It's not like that!"<br>But Tom was already gone despite Shizuo's protests. Izaya burst out laughing.  
>"Oh, Shizu-chan, the look on your face! Priceless!"<br>"He'll get the wrong idea and then tell that big eyed aunt of his and then everyone will know and it'll be on TV!"  
>"The wrong idea or maybe it's the right idea. At this point I'm no longer sure."<br>Shizuo flailed greatly.  
>"You- I ain't gay, totally not, it's not like I want to do that kind of stuff!"<br>"Right…gah, headache."  
>"You better rest."<br>"Cold…need more blankets."  
>"These are all the blankies."<br>Izaya groaned anew.  
>"Why me, I'm sick in the middle of nowhere and on top of everything I am stuck to you. And I lost my jacket!"<br>"Don't you have more jackets,"  
>"It's not the same, that one was special."<br>Shizuo scratched his head awkwardly.  
>"Sorry…I'll go warm you some milk, it's real good."<br>"Gah…"  
>Shizuo tested the milk's temperature with a finger before letting Izaya drink it.<br>"You get sick cuz you got no meat on your bones, I've said it more than once, you're skinny. The cold gets to you more. Sucks."  
>"Oh yes, it most definitely sucks being me now."<br>"What you got to do is eat to become stronger."  
>"Like you care. You'd be better off if I died."<br>Izaya was at his most sullen.  
>"Don't get me wrong! I'm fine with you dying! I just don't want you to die when I'm around, they'd blame me and it'd be bad. But it's not like I like you! I totally don't like you!"<br>Izaya actually chuckled.  
>"You have got to stop saying that. The more you put it like that, the more it comes across as if you 'like me' quite a lot."<br>"No way, you think…?"


	35. Chapter 35

"Yes. Yes, I think. As would anyone. It's just the way it goes."  
>"Man, that's not good…what do you think Tom-san thinks?"<br>"No clue. But it seems he's joined this crazy caravan so it's not just the two of us anymore."  
>"Yeah…"<br>"I know! We'll bring him over to our side!"  
>Izaya bounced in bed as if suddenly cured.<br>"Our side? We got a side?"  
>"Yes, we do. If we can get Tom-san to convince Dr. Phil and co. that there is nothing going on between us then we are off the hook."<br>"That's a great idea, you really are smart."  
>Shizuo convinced Tom to join them but it was obvious he would rather be anywhere but here. Izaya had changed into a kimono and looked quite feverish but all the more menacing for that. Tom thought of a yakuza lord, the pillows his faithful attendants and Shizuo as something of the right hand man.<br>"Tom-san, welcome. We wish to correct a certain misunderstanding. Shizu-chan and I are not involved in a sexual way and we believe that you can set it right. It would mean so much to us and especially to Shizu-chan here, he would forgive you for telling about that dream."  
>By now Tom knew that the dream issue would come back to haunt him no matter what he did.<br>"Yeah that was not cool. That kind of stuff is private."  
>"So, Orihara-san, just what am I supposed to do?"<br>Izaya lit up.  
>"Simple. No matter what happens or what you see and hear – or think you saw and heard – you'll say nothing about it. And if asked you'll tell about how Shizu-chan and I most definitely do not engage in sexual activity. Neh?"<br>Tom was more worried than ever. The yakuza boss analogy was not completely off, Izaya worked closely with such people and he had picked up some of their habits. Tom feared that his final destination might be the bottom of Tokyo Bay. Much more so since Shizuo held a grudge and as such would probably approve.  
>"Okay…I didn't think you guys did that, anyway."<br>And now he was sure they did. But Izaya was not too troubled, he needed to invest in damage control first and foremost and if that meant convincing a person that the status of their relationship was of that sort in order to keep millions from thinking the same then so be it. It was about priorities.  
>Shizuo nodded grimly. Then he blew on some newly heated milk and tested it with a finger anew.<br>"You can drink it now."  
>Izaya was in a trollish mood so he took it to himself to suck on the milk soaked finger.<br>"What the!"  
>Tom made a hasty exit and made sure he settled for the other end of the caravan, as far away from the bedroom as possible.<br>"You crazy flea…!"  
>But Shizuo sounded more dazed than anything else. Izaya giggled and flung himself on top of a big pillow as if suddenly drained of energy. The kimono swept open to show plenty of leg.<br>"Sick…and why is it so cold."  
>Izaya made a very weak attempt at pulling up the blankets but gave up with a sigh. Shizuo did it for him and then helped him sit.<br>"Finish your milk."  
>"Do I have to-"<br>"Finish your milk, damn you!"  
>Izaya had no other choice but to obey. Being sick made him careless and he tossed aside the covers, rolling on his back, kimono coming undone.<br>"Too hot…"  
>"First it's cold, then it's too hot, will you make up your mind already!"<br>"Stop shouting, you're giving me a headache."  
>"What do you when you get sick?"<br>"I cure everything with miso soup and sex."  
>Shizuo started.<br>"There's no miso soup around…!"  
>"And no sex either."<br>Izaya's eyes were closed so he did not see Shizuo blushing.  
>"What kind of a person uses sex for that, hot milk cures. And rice porridge."<br>"Rice porridge…nice…and milk…hmm, milk…"  
>Shizuo did not care for Izaya's dreamy tone. Apparently his lucid reasoning skills had been exhausted by his negotiation with Tom.<br>"Hey, are you getting worse or something?"  
>Shizuo got very close to compare Izaya's temperature to his own. Izaya laced his hands at the back of Shizuo's neck and took Shizuo completely by surprise by kissing him on the lips. Shizuo froze on the spot.<br>"It's got be sex to cure me, Shizu-chan~"  
>"What! The! I don't even!"<br>"Shi-zu-chan, we can't win…so we might as well go ahead and do it. Neh?"  
>Shizuo was pretty certain that the fever was clouding Izaya's mind more than a bit. At the same time he couldn't deny the stirring below the waist at the proposal.<br>"'Neh' my ass!"  
>"But there's no miso soup…"<p> 


	36. Chapter 36

"Confound you and miso soup!"  
>Izaya half shrugged and then undid the obi and slid out of the kimono. Shizuo nearly passed out.<br>"Gotta get laid, only way to go."  
>"You- tease!"<br>Izaya wiggled his ass in the air.  
>"You know you want to do it…"<br>"Keep your boxers on!"  
>But Izaya had already tossed these off and was happily rolling in naked glory.<br>"Whee…!"  
>"What the hell is that even supposed to mean!"<br>With startling quick gestures Izaya sat up and proceeded to unbutton Shizuo's famous vest.  
>"It means I need some sexing."<br>Shizuo tried to push Izaya aside but it was difficult. Partially because Izaya's fingers were very nimble but mostly because naked Izaya was quite a sight.  
>"I ain't gay…"<br>Shizuo sounded bashful more than angry and he was making an effort not to look at Izaya who was now crossing his long legs and working on yanking the shirt from Shizuo's pants.  
>"Just imagine I'm girl Izaya. Neh?"<br>"Don't go sounding all cute,"  
>Izaya moved to unzip and pull down said pants, humming happily. Shizuo was pretty sure that the fever was to blame for the sudden change in behavior but the fact remained that Izaya was sexy. Shizuo made a final effort by looking away (and it can be argued why such a strong man could not simply disentangle himself from Izaya) but Izaya had already worked his way into Shizuo's underwear.<br>"Shizu-chan…you better deliver, size is great and all but it's not all there is to it. Don't go thinking you're a sex god just because you're well hung."  
>Shizuo opened his mouth to protest but ended up gasping instead as Izaya made him fully hard with a few expert strokes.<br>"You! Oh hell."  
>And with this unarticulated pronouncement Shizuo gave up altogether and let go of his dwindling sanity. He pushed Izaya flat on his back and pinned him down to bed.<br>"Oh, look at that! Shizu-chan is all ready, whee-"  
>"Shut the hell up."<br>Underneath him Izaya squirmed a bit.  
>"Give me some space here."<br>"Huh?"  
>Puzzled and horny, Shizuo did step back.<br>"Always so stupid, honestly."  
>Izaya spread himself on the sheets.<br>"Fucking flea,"  
>"Do you need some tips?"<br>Truth be told tips would be greatly appreciated but of course Shizuo was not about to ask for any. Besides, he got the gist of it well enough. He parted Izaya's thighs and in one deep thrust buried his hard length all the way. For a few seconds he could do nothing but gasp at the heated tightness that engulfed him. It was as if he was caught in a spell of sorts.  
>"Oy, move!"<br>"Izaya…? Oh, right."  
>"Who else would it be? Move!"<br>Shizuo realized that bossy Izaya was even hotter than the helpless versions of female Izaya he had seen in dreams. Izaya's strident command brought Shizuo back to reality, the strange and hormone clouded reality, a reality in which he was somehow having sex with Izaya. And it was not precisely as Shizuo envisioned. For Izaya did not just lie still and let Shizuo do this thing, each time he rammed into him Izaya arched his back with an agility that bespoke of a lot of experience. Izaya's body gleamed with a thin layer of sweat that delineated his smooth lines and even in the blur of Shizuo's vision it still stood out, down to the detail of pre-cum oozing from the tip of Izaya's erection.  
>"Shit, so hot-"<br>Izaya clawed at him hard enough to draw blood in any other man, Shizuo barely registered. All he knew was that Izaya was tensing all around him and that Izaya's unbroken moan was his cue to pick up speed. Shizuo's motion became piston-like and he saw stars bursting as he tided over. He shot his load into tightening heat, his climax consuming him completely.  
>Shizuo barely noticed Izaya's release splashing him all over and it was regretfully that he pulled out. It was with something like embarrassed pride that he saw the thread of semen seeping out of Izaya's pert buttocks.<br>"Don't go complaining to me later, oy, Izaya?"  
>But Izaya was already fast asleep.<p>

"Shizu-chan? Care to tell me what happened?"  
>Shizuo rubbed his eyes to make himself wake up but as soon as his eyes unglued he started. Izaya had a murderous look that Shizuo did not care for. It was actually scary.<br>"You know how it goes…"  
>"No, no I don't. What I do know is that I hurt in places I should not and what exactly is that supposed to be?"<br>"Oh, that is milk. Spilled some in bed."


	37. Chapter 37

Apparently Izay's fever had an effect on his memory.  
>"Ah, I see. Thought it was something else- as if! Do you expect me to believe that it's milk?"<br>"Crazy American cows."  
>Izaya's eyebrows twitched.<br>"Are you retarded?"  
>"American cows are different! Their milk is different!"<br>"I've seen semen on sheets plenty of times, it's plain to see that's what it is."  
>"Aha! But have you ever seen milk in bed?"<br>"Well, no as I am not a freak-"  
>"Then you can't tell for sure it ain't milk! That's how American milk looks like, dunno maybe aliens messed up the cows."<br>"Oh really? Care to tell me why there's 'milk' in parts of my anatomy?"  
>Shizuo shuffled.<br>"That is, you know…that."  
>"'That'?"<br>"Magic."  
>Izaya facepalmed.<br>"I don't know what is worse, that you raped me-"  
>"Rape? The fuck!"<br>"Or that you think I am stupid enough to mistake semen for milk!"  
>"What rape! You begged me to do you!"<br>Izaya's eyes flashed dangerously.  
>"Heiwajima Shizuo, what happens in your dreams stays in your dreams. You took advantage of the fact that I was sick to sexually assault me. You're the lowest kind of human there is."<br>Shizuo's jaw came undone. He suspected that the full name meant trouble.  
>"It's all your fault! You were all, 'no miso soup, gotta fuck, whee'!"<br>"That doesn't make any sense. And frankly I find it preposterous that you would try to cover your tracks with idiotic fabrications."  
>"It's true! Not my fault you get all horny when you have a fever!"<br>"I was obviously delirious and you took advantage of it. It's beyond despicable."  
>This killed Shizuo's rage and brought back his embarrassment and guilt.<br>"Sorry…do you feel better, at least?"  
>Izaya folded his arms and looked most judicious.<br>"Let me see, my fever is gone but I now I hurt all over and can't even move properly. In short, I'm in a world of pain all thanks to _you_."  
>"Sorry…"<br>Izaya's voice suddenly became very soft. It could only mean trouble.  
>"Shizu-chan, like the evil rapist you are you didn't use any lube, did you?"<br>"I said I was sorry…I forgot…"  
>"Is there a phone around here?"<br>Shizuo relaxed, it seemed Izaya had moved to another topic.  
>"Dunno, you want to call your sisters? I think it's real late in Japan now. Or early, not sure."<br>"Don't worry, it's a local call I have in mind. Namely the police."  
>"The police? What for!"<br>"Pressing charges on you for rape."  
>Shizuo jumped to his feet.<br>"You can't do that!"  
>"Oh yes I can."<br>"But, but, but, it wasn't rape! Besides, it cured you! Look at all the cum around, that's all yours!"  
>Izaya bristled.<br>"My, I thought it was milk?"  
>"Fine, so it ain't milk! Doesn't make it rape!"<br>"And where is your stuff, I wonder? No wait, I can answer that! You couldn't even bother with a condom!"  
>"I forgot! I wasn't thinking straight!"<br>"It's okay."  
>Shizuo was suspicious and with good reason.<br>"It is…?"  
>"Of course. I am sure you will have plenty of time to reflect on your wrongdoing as you rot in your jail cell."<br>"Again with that!"  
>"They should let you out in about 20 years or something."<br>"20 years? Look, you don't want to sue me! You'd lose your street cred!"  
>Shizuo actually had a point here but Izaya was not about to let him off the hook easily.<br>"It's well worth it. You awful rapist. This is most definitely an invasion from North Korea."  
>Shizuo was not expecting Izaya to return to this theme.<br>"Er, I'm sure I can make it up to you somehow…"  
>"Hmm…this is how it's going to go down, Shizu-chan. I won't sue you,"<br>"Thank heavens!"  
>"But given how wounded I am you'll be bringing my meals to bed and helping me getting around the caravan."<br>"Oh, sure."  
>It sounded pretty good, all things considered.<br>"And when I am finally back on my feet you'll let me stomp on your back in the middle of Ikebukuro."  
>"The hell I will!"<br>Tears brimmed on Izaya's eyes.  
>"You're so horrible, all I ask is for some retribution after I was brutally raped and you won't even agree to it, I feel so humiliated."<br>"Okay, okay, you can stomp on me. Just don't cry! Tell you what, I'll go run you a nice bath, it'll make you feel much better."  
>And with this Shizuo stormed out of the room. As soon as he was gone Izaya's wiped his tears – it was so easy to trick idiots – and smiled smugly. Needless to say he was not at all disabled but it was worth putting on an act. And it served Shizuo right.<p> 


	38. Chapter 38

Tom had always believed that the best way of solving the Shizuo/Izaya conflict was to have both parties ignore each other. Ironically many geopolitical experts believed that it was also the solution to the North Korea/South Korea issue.  
>With that said, now that Izaya was doing just that and Shizuo was equally silent, Tom was not at all happy. There was the fact that he was stuck in the middle of a situation he would rather not have anything to do with (in the middle of dinner, in fact) and there was also the fact that while Izaya gave Shizuo the silent treatment without as much as batting and eyelash Shizuo was half sinking in his seat.<br>There was only the sound of Izaya's fork and knife. Tom could not stand it any longer, this weird tension might be worse than any row.  
>"Good thing it isn't fried chicken, right, Shizuo? You like steak."<br>Shizuo nodded but did not even lift his eyes from said steak. He was the very image of gloom. Izaya sat enthroned in a plush sofa that Shizuo had carried for him all the way from the other end of the caravan. Tom had no idea why and he was not about to ask.  
>"Want me to get you some milk?"<br>Izaya's fork scratched his plate with a nerve jarring noise while Shizuo mumbled something and blushed. Tom was more confused than ever. No matter how he looked at it, Shizuo and Izaya were behaving like an estranged couple. Tom decided to change tactics.  
>"Izaya-san, I'm glad you're feeling better now."<br>Tom was sure that this was a safe topic and Izaya could be a reasonable person. Izaya glared in Shizuo's direction without establishing eye contact. Shizuo shuffled awkwardly. Finally Izaya broke the silence in the tersest of terms.  
>"I have been better."<br>Tom gave up.

As soon as the meal was over Dr. Phil popped up on a screen and summoned Shizuo and Izaya to a small room. Tom cursed his luck for he had to join in as the interpreter.  
>"M'kay, what happened? Huh? Why aren't you guys speaking?"<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"Nothing happened. I just wanted to have some peace and that is best achieved without talking to Shizu-chan. I have nothing to tell him either."<br>Dr. Phil leafed through his notes and grunted.  
>"So that's what you're saying? You too?"<br>Shizuo nodded. Dr. Phil smiled coldly and seemed to actually become even bigger as he leant forward in his trademark borderline threatening gesture.  
>"Y'all, I know that ain't true so you can stop the charade right now. Remember how there aren't any cameras or mics in the bedroom? Guess what, there are mics in the corridor. And if you get real loud the mics will pick it up."<br>Izaya started. Shizuo gasped rather pathetically. Before any of them could say anything Dr. Phil was playing sound bits of their crazy night of equally crazy sex. Shizuo turned to a shade of chalky white that was far from healthy. Izaya had a moment of sheer panic but gathered himself almost right away.  
>"Ah, that? I'm afraid you have misunderstood what happened. That was voice acting training. Shizu-chan is applying to a job as a seiyuu in an eroge. So I decided to help out of the kindness of my heart."<br>Shizuo was a bit slow to get it.  
>"I was...? Oh, right! That's right, that's what it was. Yeah."<br>"Hmmm...how come you use your real names?"  
>But Izaya now had a plan.<br>"The characters are loosely based on ourselves."  
>"And why were you 'helping out', huh?"<br>"Shizu-chan asked me because I have considerably more experience."  
>Dr. Phil chuckled knowingly.<br>"Oh I bet you do. You've been with half of Tokyo. And I gotta say, there's a lot of people in Tokyo."  
>Izaya remained nonplussed.<br>"So what? I do not particularly care for your concept of morality."  
>Dr. Phil turned his beady eyes from Izaya to Shizuo, back at Izaya.<br>"M'kay. If you were 'helping out' then how come you boys aren't on speaking terms?"  
>"It's cuz, you know...er...I mean..."<br>"He means that I got so tired of hearing Shizu-chan in that voice acting exercise that I decided I'd be better off not hearing him for a while."  
>Dr. Phil waved.<br>"Kill the cameras. This isn't being filmed now so I'll let you know: I know what really happened. Voice training it wasn't. By the way, there are condoms around, m'kay? They're there to be used."


	39. Chapter 39

It took Shizuo a while to grasp this, not because he was slow but because Tom was so reluctant to translate that he picked his words very carefully. He had managed not to notice what was going on at the time by blasting music on his headphones, only to now be submitted to the soundtrack of what sounded like insane sex. Which was the only kind of sex imaginable between Izaya and Shizuo.  
>"I forgot the condom-"<br>Izaya elbowed Shizuo on the side, hard enough to hurt.  
>"You might not be too familiar with voice acting but in Japan it is quite a big thing. A lot of training is required."<br>"You don't have to be so violent!"  
>Izaya calmly ignored this outburst. Dr. Phil twirled his mustache.<br>"I got hand it to you, you sure know how to improvise. 'Voice training', huh. Why don't you just come clean and admit that you were doing the horizontal lambada?"  
>Izaya's winced.<br>"'Horizontal lambada'? You need to revise your speech patterns."  
>Dr. Phil did one of his gravity defying stunts by leaning forward on his high chair.<br>"What do you want me to call, it? Huh? 'Going at it like rabbits'?"  
>Once more Tom struggled to translate. Shizuo's blush deepened and he tried to make himself smaller by sinking into the seat. It did not work.<br>"If you are done with your insinuations, I have things to do."  
>Izaya did not actually have anything to do but that was of course beside the point.<br>"Not so fast. I got good news. You're going to San Francisco next and from there, back to Japan."  
>"Yay! Wait, you don't mean to say we'll go to California on this caravan, right?"<br>"That depends on how well you behave. If you admit you were getting it on then you can take a plane. Keep denying it and it's the caravan for you."  
>Izaya sighed.<br>"I knew it was far too good to be true."  
>"Y'all can talk it through and discuss."<p>

Izaya and Shizuo sought refuge in the bedroom. Izaya was in no mood for talking but Shizuo had had enough of the silent treatment and after clearing his throat tried to strike a conversation.  
>"It just goes to show that I didn't rape no one. You heard how it went, you begged me to do it so you can stop-"<br>"Shut up."  
>"You always act like a-"<br>But Shizuo never got to finish the sentence because Izaya shoved a sock into his mouth in a most unceremonious way.  
>"From now you will keep your voice down. Neh?"<br>Shizuo nodded and spat out the sock.  
>"Think I'm gonna be sick..."<br>"Good. Few things would make me happier."  
>"Who gets horny when they have a fever anyway. Talk about weird."<br>"It makes perfect sense that my hormonal balance should be upset if my body temperature is to rise."  
>"It ain't normal."<br>Izaya folded his arms and lifted an eyebrow to indicate how much he despised Shizuo.  
>"Do you know what 'ain't normal'? That you last around five seconds."<br>Before Shizuo could protest in all too loud terms Izaya applied the sock anew. Izaya only removed it when Shizuo was beginning to get blue in the face. Shizuo was beyond outraged but strangely enough not at this attack.  
>"It was more than five seconds,"<br>"Closer to three."  
>"Well I'm sorry! It was my first time, alright! How do you think I feel, my first time was with a guy and the guy is you! It's horrible, horrible."<br>Yet somehow Shizuo remembered to keep his voice down.  
>"Wonderful start, kicking it out with rape. As is to be expected, you behave like an animal."<br>Shizuo opened and closed his mouth a few times (and Izaya was tempted to use the sock again) and then sighed heavily.  
>"This sucks big time...but you know, if we just admitted it...we wouldn't be in a pinch. I mean,"<br>"Wonderful, you're turning traitor too. That creepy pseudo doctor has gotten to you. Unbelievable."  
>Shizuo glanced sideways at him as if ashamed. Which he was.<br>"You got to admit that he has a point..."  
>"Oh really? And pray do tell, what point does he have?"<br>"That we want to do...stuff."  
>"<em>I<em> don't. I just haven't had sex in far too long and my fever made it worse. But that's all there is to it."  
>"Why are you complaining I didn't last long enough..."<br>At this point Izaya did use the sock again and refused to acknowledge Shizuo's existence entirely.


	40. Chapter 40

Feeling somewhat cornered Izaya cooped himself in the bedroom out of which he only ventured to go to the bathroom and to secure food from the kitchen. Shizuo was relegated to sleep on the floor next to Tom. The days and miles rolled by in a kind of very tense peace.  
>"Isn't this for the better, Shizuo?"<br>Tom was doing his best to cheer up Shizuo but with no success. He did not exactly understand why Shizuo was so gloomy but truth be told it was as if a cloud hovered above him.  
>"I guess. It's just that I kinda miss talking to Izaya."<br>"You do...?"  
>Shizuo nodded and suddenly jumped to his feet.<br>"He's gonna become one of those shut-ins! Can't have that."  
>And just like that Shizuo barged into the bedroom like a hurricane, all ready to drag Izaya away if need be. As it turned out, it was not needed. Because Izaya was about to raid the kitchen and already standing on the threshold. Shizuo knew that there was the chance he had to give chase (and it did not occur to him that chasing someone in a caravan was not particularly feasible), it was back to their normal routine as far as Shizuo knew. Before Izaya could bolt the caravan came to a sudden halt, so abrupt that he lost his footing and so did Shizuo. As a result Shizuo landed on top of him.<br>The door slammed open and a solid bulky frame stood blocking the daylight. Shizuo did not even turn to see who the newcomer might be, it had been just a long time since he had been this close to Izaya that Shizuo was a bit taken aback.  
>"It's me, Rosie O'Donnell! I'm here to help you with your new life now that you're out of the closet."<br>Izaya squirmed underneath Shizuo.  
>"Shizu-chan, you have to the count of three to get off me before you lose an eye or two."<br>"It's not like that, I wanted to save you from becoming a shut-in..."  
>Shizuo scrambled to his feet and tried to help Izaya get up. Izaya swatted his hand and glared emphatically. Both paid no attention whatsoever to Rosie.<br>"Boys, boys, settle down now. I'm here to help."  
>Only now did Shizuo notice her properly.<br>"Why is there a fat woman here?"  
>Izaya recognized her right away.<br>"If it isn't the crazy lady that mocks the Chinese language."  
>"That was all in the past. Aren't you the cutest couple!"<br>Rosie pulled Izaya's cheeks much to his absolute horror. Shizuo frowned.  
>"Hey, don't go hogging Izaya now."<br>She smiled creepily and let go of Izaya.  
>"Aw, you're jealous! But don't worry, I'm not into guys. Even if this one is a cutie."<br>Shizuo was just confused. It was very reluctantly that Tom joined the party and translated since Izaya was not in the mood for doing that himself.  
>"Lesbians should be hot women not unfunny media people with the appetite of a giant hog with the munchies."<br>It was a very stereotypical point of view but Izaya was in the mood for being nasty. Rosie shook her head.  
>"You need an attitude adjustment. But I am here to help you. We're going on a picnic!"<br>And she produced a basket. Shizuo was ready to shoot down all suggestions but any excuse to get Izaya to leave the caravan was good.  
>"Picnic, sounds cool."<br>"Suit yourself, I'm staying."  
>But truth be told Izaya was very tired of being confined. He just did not want to come across as too eager. Shizuo missed this entirely and without further ado tucked Izaya under his arm and they were all set.<p>

They made a very strange group, gathered around the picnic towel under a tree: Rosie stuffing herself with all sorts of delicious food, Izaya grimacing at her but still enjoying the fresh air, Shizuo blinking in amazement at how a person could manage to eat so much and Tom cursing his luck all over again.  
>"Now, you boys got to realize- pass me that mutton, will you? Must realize that- oh, candy! As I was saying,"<br>"...are you even human? How can anyone eat like that!"  
>Izaya could not even imagine what the point of this but at least the sun was shining. He picked up a tiny sandwich that had survived Rosie's hunger and waved it at Shizuo.<br>"Here, taste try it for me."  
>"No way. Why would I do that?"<br>"It might be poisoned for all I know and it's obvious you're immune to poison."  
>"You've been eating all by yourself all along, made you weirder."<br>"I just so happen to care what I put into my body. And will you stop blushing like an idiot! What the hell are you, a high school girl?"


	41. Chapter 41

"Just eat the damned thing and stop being a bitch!"  
>And for once Izaya obeyed. Rosie made some attempts at finishing a sentence but there was too much food within sight for her to get around to it. She left with a flurry of very unfunny jokes. So in the end Izaya and Shizuo were left clueless as to what she supposed to be doing here. Which could be said of her entire career.<p>

Izaya's mood brightened up immediately when they reached the next stop.  
>"Las Vegas! It's Las Vegas! A city, at last!"<br>"What's so great about it, it's crowded, too much neon, bloody crowded."  
>"You said 'crowded' twice."<br>Tom had decided somewhere along the way that playing into the craziness was probably the best way of coping with things.  
>"Crowded place is crowded, as Orihara-san would say."<br>Izaya nearly ran down the brightly lit street in between flashy casinos. The night was without darkness.  
>"Crowded place <em>is<em> crowded! Finally, people! Shiki-san would love it here, so many casinos and a sucker born every minute! He'd make a fortune."  
>Shizuo was not sure why it annoyed him to have Izaya mention Shiki. Shizuo told himself that it was because Izaya was already annoying. Caught up in such thoughts Shizuo almost crashed into Izaya who had stopped suddenly.<br>"Will you look where you're going!"  
>"Oh...look at that!"<br>Izaya stared at garish sign advertising a contest.  
>"Drag queen contest? Figures you'd be into that kind of thing."<br>"Look at the prize! I don't care for the makeup but see there, 'life long supply of tuna'!"  
>Izaya's eyes gleamed happily.<br>"You and your fish, bloody annoying. You can enter the competition, then. It's up your alley anyway."  
>Izaya lifted an eyebrow.<br>"What are you talking about? You're the one entering."  
>Shizuo was in the process of bringing a cigarette to his lips. He now dropped it.<br>"Me? _Me_?"  
>"Yes, you."<br>"But- why- how- I don't even!"  
>"It's obvious. I am too pretty to be a drag queen, when I crossdress,"<br>"'When'?"  
>"I look like a most delicious trap of epic proportions. Bridget's got nothing on me."<br>"Who's that...?"  
>"Look around, it's clear my trap look isn't what they're looking for here. They want manly men in weird cabaret outfits. In other words, you."<br>Only now did Shizuo notice a crowd of strange guys in feathers, sparkly leotards and pink boas.  
>"Who cares! No way I'm dressing up like that just because you want some fish!"<br>"I am willing to share the tuna goodness with you."  
>"I don't care about that!"<br>"What is wrong with you?"  
>"What is wrong with <em>me<em>? More like, what's wrong with you!"  
>Izaya put on his most reasonable face.<br>"Tuna fish is exceptionally tasty and you are always broke, you wouldn't have to worry about a meal ever again. You should be thanking me for this opportunity."  
>"The hell I should! So you want me to eat nothing but tuna for the rest of my life?"<br>Tom reflected musingly,  
>"What a strange prize for a drag queen contest. I get the makeup but tuna?"<br>Unfortunately no one paid any attention to him. Shizuo shook a fist in the air, angrily enough.  
>"No way I'm doing it! No way! It just ain't gonna happen!"<br>But Izaya was not the least bothered.  
>"Ah, I see how it is. You are unsure of your manliness and your poor male ego cannot stand getting dolled up."<br>"_What_?"  
>"Hit a soft spot? You have self-confidence issues and do not trust yourself as a man. What a pussy."<br>"Izaya-KUN!"  
>Tom was about to retreat to a safe distance but it turned out to be unnecessary. Izaya knew what he was doing.<br>"You can always prove me wrong by becoming La Shizuka and go out, proudly, to win me some tuna fish."  
>"I'll fucking prove you I'm not a pussy! You're on!"<br>"Wonderful."  
>Tom sighed.<p>

This was how Shizuo found himself wearing some tight golden jacket of the gleaming sort, a Zebra print skirt, red stockings, fake eyelashes, a pink fluffy boa, strings of plastic pearls, feathers sticking out of a purple wig as he tottered on shiny pumps borrowed from some Lady Gaga video.  
>Needless to say Shizuo was not a happy boy, to put it mildly, but currently he wasn't angry as much as he was confused and a bit awed. For Izaya had decided to enter the contest well, having realized that it doubled his chances of winning the grand prize.<p> 


	42. Chapter 42

He had simply put on a little black dress, a matching pair of high heel shoes and stockings. Pink lipstick and a long dark wig completed the look. And just as Izaya had bragged he was nothing short of the perfect trap. Shizuo did not know how to react to it.  
>"Open you mouth so I can put the lipstick. We're going for trashy Asian glam so blood red it is. Tom-san, I don't suppose you want to join and better the odds?"<br>Tom was trying not to stare too much. He would never be able to look at Orihara the same way ever again. Because Izaya made a very beautiful girl. In fact, Izaya might very well be the most beautiful girl Tom had ever seen thus proving that there is no justice in the world.  
>"I think I'll pass, sorry."<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"A pity, really. I'm sure you'd make a good drag queen. You could call yourself 'La Tomasina'. And I <em>said<em> open your mouth."  
>Shizuo obeyed without even knowing exactly what was going on. Izaya was too close and Shizuo could now see a thin trim of black fur diagonally arranged on the dress. And as Izaya bent down to pick up eyeliner, the wig seemed to highlight the pert ass.<br>"Just like girl Izaya...!"  
>"Shut up. I am 'La Kanra'."<br>Izaya announced with plenty of pomp.  
>"'La Kanra'...?"<br>"La Kanra. It's my stage name."  
>"Ah..."<br>"Tom-san, since you're not becoming La Tomasina you can act as our pit crew. We'll need to change outfits in a jiffy. Also, Shizu-chan: you need a talent to show at the contest. Let's cash in on your stupid strength, I'll get a few fire engines and you can juggle them."  
>"Ah...wait, I can't do that!"<br>"Gee, I thought you were the strongest man alive."  
>"I can pick up a fire engine, can't juggle a bunch of them."<br>Izaya sighed prettily as if to hint that he carried the weight of the world and still managed to be stylish at it.  
>"It can't be helped, then."<br>"What's your talent going to be?"  
>"It's a secret."<p>

Somehow Shizuo managed not to bungle the dance routine. Since he did not understand a word of what was being said he just got on with the program without getting too upset. Izaya managed to decorate the fire engine with a lot of glitter, pink plastic flamingos, Japanese lanterns and pagodas. Tom was left to wonder just how many contacts Izaya had.  
>When it was time for Izaya to take the stage he did so skipping happily. From the backstage area Shizuo mumbled something about 'them hips, it's not right'.<br>"Hello everyone! I am La Kanra! And tonight La Kanra will be pole dancing for you fine gentlemen of Las Vegas!"  
>Shizuo stumbled on his absurd shoes.<br>"Did he say, did he say pole dancing?"  
>"I'm afraid so..."<br>And Tom was also looking forward to it. Izaya sauntered to a pole that had been installed just for him and slid out of the dress to stand in glorious lacy black lingerie with garters. Shizuo did fall this time around and struggled back to his feet just as Izaya was swirling around the pole like a pro. He climbed it, bubble ass stuck in the air, rubbing himself in a most suggestive manner. Shizuo was taken aback by the amazing hips all over again.  
>It was better than girl Izaya. And that was saying a lot. Izaya twirled until he was hanging upside down, his long legs wrapped around the pole invitingly. It was something of a mystery how the wig stayed in place.<br>Izaya put all of his parkour skill into the sexy routine. And there were plenty of whistles and thunderous applause once he finally climbed down. Izaya spotted a group of Japanese salarymen cheering for him and blew them a kiss.  
>"Banzai!"<br>Tom thought that Izaya's ancestors were presently rolling in their graves. Shizuo was unable of processing thought at the moment. Izaya returned backstage holding a flower bouquet and smiling smugly.  
>"That went well. There is hope for the tuna."<br>"You- I mean, what the- with the- the, the pole- where did you learn how to do that?"  
>Izaya smirked.<br>"It is none of your business. Now hurry up and get ready for the grand finale."  
>This grand finale had all the contestants performing a Cher lip-synch routine and Izaya wore a hot red number. Shizuo followed everyone else in a greater daze than before.<br>"And the winner is...La Shizuka, the Japanese dynamo!"  
>But it was Izaya who jumped up when the results were announced.<p> 


	43. Chapter 43

"Yes! Finally, something good happens. The tuna, the tuna, show me the tuna!"  
>"You didn't win,"<br>"I'm with La Shizuka so I won. Now where's the tuna!"  
>The host unveiled something. Izaya blinked.<br>"Wait, what's that?"  
>"It's all the makeup you'll ever win and tuna."<br>"Tuna...? Those are cans!"  
>"Of course they are, this is a life-long supply of canned tuna! A source of non fattening protein that will keep you FABULOUS without adding a single gram to you GORGEOUS figure."<br>"He's talking weird, even I can tell and I don't understand a word of English."  
>And Shizuo, in his La Shizuka persona, looked most proud of being ignorant of the English language.<br>"This is outrageous! How can anyone do this to tuna fish, it's a crime, a crime! Tuna is to be served fresh!"  
>Izaya was so angry that he relapsed to speaking Japanese very fast and of course the host ignored him to present Shizuo with the amazing bounty of food. Shizuo picked up a can and shook it.<br>"Yeah, figures you'd throw a fit over this. Cans aren't bad, you know. There's tuna inside."  
>"Are you saying I should eat from a can?"<br>"No big deal. Won't kill you. We got tuna cans back home, you know."  
>At this point Shizuo had decided that he liked girlish Izaya acting like a class one bitch and provoking him was fun, too.<br>"Listen to me, you idiot. It does not matter the location of the cans, it is the principle behind butchering delicious tuna fish to cram it inside a can! Look at that, the tuna is crammed like people during the rush hour on the Yamanote line!"  
>"You can still eat it."<br>Shizuo was crowned and given a large bouquet of roses that might also be edible.  
>"There's no way I'm eating it!"<br>"How can you know it won't taste nice, you never tried it."  
>"Same way I know rat poison isn't good!"<br>"Cans are like, cup ramen. I like cup ramen."  
>"No one gives a shit about you!"<br>This was not even remotely true and La Shizuka had quite a few fans who were cheering as confetti rained from the ceiling.  
>"I picked up a gay fire engine for you! Dressed up like a cheap slut for you!"<br>And Tom could not risk half singing,  
>"Would you catch a grenade for him?"<br>"Yeah. I mean, no!"  
>At this point Dr. Phil popped up from the stage like the creepiest jack in the box. It scared Izaya into losing his footing and once more it was up to Shizuo to catch him.<br>"M'kay, what's this I hear? Huh? About grenades?"  
>A bit like Shizuo, Dr. Phil bypassed linguistic barriers.<br>"Stop falling over every little thing! It's that and drowning, what the hell, did you eat the Fall Fall devil fruit or something?"  
>With that said Shizuo was still wearing Lady Gaga pumps and catching Izaya upset his balance so that he too fell and Izaya landed on him.<br>"You boys aren't going to ignore me any longer, m'kay? Translate, Mister Tom. Since Izaya here won't bother."  
>Tom thought that 'Mister Tom' was almost as bad as 'La Tomasina'. Translation did not exactly do anything either since Shizuo was too caught up with Izaya scrambling out of his lap. Unfortunately Izaya's heel got caught in Shizuo's skirt so that the more he scrambled the more entangled it became.<br>Dr. Phil grinned smugly.  
>"I think you two need a cold shower, m'kay? Save it for the bedroom."<br>Tom felt that he should look away, it looked so much like sex with all the squirming and Shizuo getting flustered while Izaya spat curses, but he could not turn his away away. At length Izaya managed to get up by jabbing a knee on Shizuo's groin.  
>"That fucking HURT!"<br>"My tuna fish is ruined!"  
>"You're still going on about the stupid fish?"<br>"Tuna is the meat of the sea! The meat of the sea, you hear?"  
>"What's that supposed to mean?"<br>Dr. Phil did the only thing that could get Izaya's attention at the moment. He had a cart stocked with tuna sushi wheeled in front of Izaya.  
>"Tuna!"<br>"I thought this would happen, m'kay? So you can have this sushi. No strings attached. Only one small thing, you got to feed Shizuo some fish and vice-versa. And you're keeping the drag wear."  
>"I'm in, I'm in!"<br>By the time the translation reached Shizuo Izaya was already eying the food with such relish that Shizuo could not possibly say no.


	44. Chapter 44

"_Itadakimasu~_!"  
>Izaya beamed as he sat at a low table on which a pyramid of fresh tuna was ready to be eaten. He even rubbed his hands together and seemed about to drool. In his happiness Izaya even forgot all about propriety and sat cross legged in a way that exposed lacy panties to Shizuo.<br>"I suppose it's good to leave the caravan for a while."  
>"So true! It's been ages since I've been to a restaurant, and a Japanese one too!"<br>Izaya had already kicked out his high heels and was so happy that he smiled at the paper paneled walls. They were in a private room and Shizuo felt a bit awkward.  
>"Do you think there are cameras here...?"<br>"Of course there are. How else would they know that we're following the rules? Speaking of which, you have to feed me. Get to it before I starve."  
>"Ah..."<br>Shizuo struggled with the chopsticks. In his drag attire he looked like a clumsy _okama_ serving his first costumer. And Shizuo was indeed nervous, Izaya waiting with his mouth wide open and nearly batting his eyelashes was enough to upset any man.  
>"Shizu-chan, what on Earth are you doing? Did you forget how to use chopsticks? And you call yourself Japanese!"<br>"I didn't forget! It's just that, er, the way you look...it's just, you know!"  
>Izaya sighed.<br>"Fine, skip the chopsticks and use your fingers then. I must eat. And let us drink! They brought _sake_!"  
>"Oh no you don't! I don't like drinking and I know how it'd go! You'd get all crazy and weird and shit so no drinking."<br>"Good point."  
>Izaya put the bottle away.<br>"What are you waiting for, Shizu-chan? The tuna!"  
>Izaya opened his mouth wide. Shizuo fed him a piece of fish and shuddered as Izaya sucked on his lips to retrieve it.<br>"You're filthy rich, why were so obsessed about getting the tuna?"  
>"Food tastes a hundred times better when someone else is paying. Doesn't matter how rich you may be."<br>"Really?"  
>"Really. That's just the way it goes."<br>It was Izaya's time to feed Shizuo but he hesitated.  
>"Hey, I'm supposed to eat as well..."<br>"I...can't do this, it's like tossing food at Moby Dick! You'll chop my hand off!"  
>"Why do you always have to be so nasty!"<br>"I am afraid for my physical integrity. Fine, stick out your tongue, then."  
>Shizuo did do and Izaya deposited a piece of tuna with great care on Shizuo's tongue. Shizuo gobbled it down right away.<br>"Not bad."  
>"You are such a savage! That's no way to eat sushi! You have to properly savor it. Here, let me show you."<br>Shizuo shuddered anew as Izaya again sucked on his fingers and became considerably uncomfortable as Izaya slowly munched before equally slowly swallowing.  
>"See? You have to make sure you extract the flavor and appreciate the fleshy texture. The fatty bits are the best."<br>"Ah...right..."  
>"Don't go thinking weird things now."<br>"I wasn't! I totally wasn't! Anyway, how come you look so cute as a girl?"  
>Izaya shrugged but he was obviously happy about the compliment.<br>"I was born beautiful."  
>"Ah...I guess that makes sense but it ain't fair that you make a real hot chick as well as a hot guy, I mean, not that I appreciate guys <em>that<em> way but you know what I mean..."  
>"What can I say, my beauty overcomes gender barriers."<br>"How come I won the contest, you're way prettier."  
>"I told you, they were angling for a butch look."<br>"No wonder you're a, what's it called, a man eater. You lure guys with that body of yours!"  
>Izaya rolled his eyes dramatically. They continued exchanging fish.<br>"Oh please. As if I needed to pull a trap card to get myself a man. Don't be absurd, La Shizuka."  
>"Don't call me that!"<br>"La Shizuka is your official name now."  
>Shizuo brooded darkly and realized for once that ignoring the provocation was for the best.<br>"So...you got something under your dress? Like, your hips look very...womanly and stuff."  
>"It's the way the dress is fit and cut. This is a hundred per cent La Kanra. And this is <em>so<em> good!"  
>Izaya pursed his lips after swallowing a juicy slice of tuna. Then he got up and turned around a few times for Shizuo to see the full glory of La Kanra.<br>"Okay, I got the point already."  
>"The truth is that La Kanra is too hot for words and you know it. Oh look, tea. It's just like being home! Except I wouldn't be caught dead having dinner with you back home."<p> 


	45. Chapter 45

"More like I wouldn't eat with you!"  
>Izaya shrugged and then smiled beautifully.<br>"Only the power of love could bring us together around the same table like this, two sworn enemies and all!"  
>Shizuo was in the process of chewing, he never got around to swallowing properly because he choked. Then blushed and twiddled his fingers hopelessly.<br>"Love? What are you saying, I'm not ready for that just now-"  
>"Shizu-chan, are you stupid? I mean love for tuna, tuna. What else could I mean?"<br>Shizuo relaxed but could not avoid feeling a bit disappointed despite himself.  
>"Oh, right. You're a freak, it's just fish. Besides, there are other kinds of fish, this is too much tuna."<br>Izaya jumped to his feet and rudely pointed his chopsticks at Shizuo.  
>"Blasphemy! There can never be too much tuna. As for other fish they are subordinate to the wonders of tuna and that is a fact."<br>"Ah..."  
>Shizuo did not listen to the rant, he was too busy looking at Izaya's long legs that seemed endless, Shizuo sitting while Izaya stood above him.<br>"Back to feeding me."  
>"Ah...oh, sure."<br>Shizuo shivered as Izaya sucked at Shizuo's fingers.  
>"So delicious. Joy of joys. Are you chewing it like I told you?"<br>"Yeah. Tastes better that way."  
>"Indeed. Finally, something good comes my way."<br>"You traveled half across the world and the thing you like the most is sushi."  
>"Better than being smitten by the pretty rivers. As if we didn't have streams in Japan."<br>"Yeah but I never get to see any. Cuz I stay in Tokyo all the time."  
>"Speaking of seeing new sights, guess what! The casino people are offering La Shizuka a contract for working as a drag queen here in Las Vegas! La Shizuka: the Japanese vixen! Good pay, too. I'd take the offer if I were you."<br>Izaya nodded wisely and served Shizuo a particularly juicy slice thus proving that he was a generous person.  
>"You just want to get rid of me so you can have Ikebukuro all for yourself."<br>"No negative talk when tuna is involved."  
>And with this unlikely to succeed ban the meal carried on until there was no more food to be eaten. Izaya sighed happily and lied on his back, the long hair pooling around him.<br>"Ah, sushi is better than sex."  
>"Don't go saying weird things."<br>Izaya waved a hand in the air in a desultory fashion.  
>"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."<br>"I've been wondering...how come your wig stays in place even with all the pole dancing?"  
>"That's because it is not exactly a wig as much as a weave."<br>"A weave...?"  
>"Yes. It is attached to my actual hair. That's why it looks so natural. Beauty comes at a cost, it hurts like hell getting the weave on place."<br>"Man, you really love tuna fish to go to that extent."  
>Izaya sat up suddenly and smirked evilly before arranging the long hair so that it covered his face entirely, dragging it on the floor as he crawled on all fours.<br>"The hell?"  
>"Seven days...seven days..."<br>Izaya's crawl was slow and deliberately awkwardly with plenty of limbs sticking out at odd angles.  
>"Stop that! It's creepy!"<br>Shizuo was frozen as Izaya kept on crawling until he was on Shizuo's lap. Then Izaya burst out laughing as Shizuo fell back. Izaya pulled back the curtain of hair so that he would not choke on it as peals of laughter escaped from him.  
>"Can't believe you're scared of Sadako! Oh you simpleton, big strong man afraid of a fictional character that climbs out of wells."<br>Shizuo's current predicament had little to do with horror movies and a lot to do with the fact that Izaya was sitting astride on top of him. And to make matters even worse Shizuo was still wearing the flimsy skirt.  
>"You're scary yourself! And creepy."<br>Without as much as a knock the sliding door flung open before any of them could react and Shingen stood there in all his glory, gas mask and all.  
>"Gentlemen! This is a restaurant, not a den of iniquity! As Japanese citizens I expect you to keep your hormones in check! This is the problem with young people nowadays, no sense of propriety or self-control. Back in the war,"<br>"Not you again!"  
>Shizuo flailed so much that no words occurred to him and he did not even remove Izaya from his groin as he should have had. Fortunately, before it became too embarrassing Izaya was up again and ready to rail at Shingen.<p> 


	46. Chapter 46

"Young man, I've been watching you and I must say you are dragging our proud country's name through the mud with your senseless behavior. And this talk about Korea, you boys represent Japan!"  
>Izaya rolled his eyes.<br>"Old man, you're missing the entire point of the North Kore/South Korea thing."  
>"Who do you think you're calling 'old man'!"<br>And in his righteous indignation Shingen actually rapped on Izaya's head with his knuckles. Shizuo frowned.  
>"Hey, don't go hitting him-"<br>"Shizuo-kun, I'd expect this cross dressing business from Izaya-kun but not from you. People will believe that everyone in Japan acts like this."  
>Shizuo blushed and busied himself staring at the floor.<br>"Aren't you forgetting kabuki? We have a tradition of men dressing up as girls in our country."  
>It was not easy to look offended when one was wearing a gas mask that covered one's entire face but Shingen still managed to pull it off brilliantly.<br>"That you can compare your dissolute ways with the time honored tradition of kabuki is very telling, young man. And what were you doing just now?"  
>"I was sitting on Shizu-chan if you must know."<br>"And why would you do such a thing?"  
>"Because it's fun. See?"<br>And without further ado Izaya once more made of Shizuo a human sofa. Shizuo was not sure if he wanted to protest or to ask Izaya to keep at it. He was still torn when Kasuka, of all people, appeared.  
>"Hello, brother. I am glad things are going so well with you and Orihara-san."<br>"Kasuka! What are you doing here?"  
>"It's everyone's favorite little brother, Heiwajima junior! Hi there."<br>Izaya waved at Kasuka from over his shoulder, having decided that Shizuo was a wonderful seat all around.  
>"Dr. Phil asked me to see how you two were doing in person."<br>"What do you think of nii-chan in drag?"  
>Shizuo prepared a speech of sorts.<br>"It's because of the tuna, you see, Izaya wanted the tuna and I had to put on these clothes to win the prize- it was tuna, the prize- and then I juggled this really gay fire engine- it was real gay- and won."  
>Kasuka nodded, matter of factly, as if the explanation made perfect sense.<br>"Orihara-san would have been sad otherwise."  
>"More like bitchy."<br>"And you just wanted Orihara-san to be happy. Which is why you're also letting him sit on you."  
>"That's because he just goes and does whatever he wants! Flea!"<br>Shizuo was not even a bit convincing. Izaya rolled his eyes in his most indifferent manner.  
>"Great, if I'm a flea then I'm very light and can sit here just fine."<br>"Orihara-san is a beautiful trap."  
>"Only you could perhaps compete with La Kanra,"<br>Shizuo of course had a fit at this.  
>"Don't you go putting weird ideas into my baby brother's mind! And stop moving!"<br>Izaya had not meant to move but it was instinctive after all. Still, he managed to get up elegantly without a hint of awkwardness. Which was more than could be said for Shizuo who now stood blushing and unsure of what to say. Shingen came to the rescue, unexpectedly.  
>"The problem with young people nowadays is that they have no respect. Show some respect for your elders!"<br>Izaya yawned.  
>"I'm done with this, it's been a very long day and I need to get some beauty sleep. La Kanra is leaving the premises. But La Kanra is too tired to walk on those crazy shoes so you'll be carrying her."<br>"Me? Why do I have to carry you?"  
>"Because I say so. I am La Kanra! And La Kanra has spoken."<br>"You're getting too much into this 'La' thing. And only creepy people use the third person!"  
>"I changed my mind, I'll walk."<br>"What! Are you saying I'm not good enough to carry you?"  
>"I am too cool for you to touch, Shizu-chan. Oh, I know! Let's hit a casino! You're invited, Kasuka-san."<br>"Thank you."  
>"Yeah, better '-san' my baby brother. Or else!"<br>"But Orihara-san, you had no problems sitting on nii-chan. That was more than just touching him."  
>"That is completely different."<br>"And nii-chan, you really want to carry Orihara-san, don't you?"  
>"Yeah, I mean, no!"<br>"Less talk, onwards to the gambling halls!"  
>Shingen began a lecture but Izaya was already out the door, the Heiwajima siblings on his wake, leaving him to preach to an empty room.<p> 


	47. Chapter 47

Normally Shizuo, in his flamboyant drag attire, would not be admitted in the casino but having won the competition he was received with respectful bows from the casino personnel. It was a great change of pace as far as Shizuo knew, he missed the habit of bowing. All his life he had taken it for granted and only when he was deprived of it did he find that he really appreciated it.  
>As for Izaya, he did not bother contradicting as he was welcomed with 'good evening, miss. This way, please'. He waltzed to the slot machines and politely ignored the smiling casino people who tried to beguile him to become a high roller at the more serious games.<br>Shingen caught up with them but he was detained at the entrance, having to explain why he could not possibly part from his gas mask on the grounds of the air being polluted and barely breathable, etc.  
>La Kanra's claims to be exhausted were apparently just that, claims, for Izaya sat on the stool to attack the slots without a hint of weariness. Shizuo stood by with Kasuka and thought on how to strike a conversation that might improve their sibling relationship. Dr. Phil's words on the subject had greatly impressed Shizuo. Before he could speak Kasuka addressed him.<br>"I heard that you were working on an eroge."  
>Shizuo blinked since he could not at the moment remember what an eroge was and because he was having a hard time bringing it to mind when Izaya was perched in such a way as to reveal the pert butt clearly defined under the dress.<br>"Oh, yeah."  
>"BL?"<br>"Huh?"  
>Izaya spun around from the rows of figures to intervene before Shizuo ruined everything. Almost like Dr. Phil but in a graceful and even girlish way.<br>"Shizu-chan here can't remember the terminology, he also struggles with his lines which is why I am helping him. They cast him because he has a sexy _seme_ voice."  
>"Oh, thanks."<br>"Don't get all excited, your voice is the only thing going for you."  
>Izaya returned to pulling the lever in the hopes of beating the odds. In gambling high profit margins one had to risk a lot but Izaya was not about to sink his money into the casino, he stuck to the slots instead of hitting the big stake games for a reason: he just wanted to have some fun.<br>"Nii-chan, can I see the script?"  
>"Script...?"<br>"Of the game."  
>Again Izaya spun around.<br>"We can't reveal that. You know how the market is, very competitive. Until the game is officially launched we can't risk any portion of it leaking."  
>Shizuo was impressed despite himself, Izaya was not just a good liar, he could pile lie upon lie without getting caught in contradictions.<br>"That is a shame, I'll be looking forward to playing it when it is released. Is there a tragedy route? I like those."  
>"Like those...? Kasuka, do you play this kind of game?"<br>"Yes, I'm a fan."  
>"Kasuka-san will be pleased to know that there are many tragedy routes in which Shizu-chan dies horribly and everyone rejoices."<br>"Don't go killing me off on games-"  
>'That don't even exist', was what Shizuo wanted to say but Izaya cut him off.<br>"Tragedy routes are popular, aren't they Kasuka?"  
>"Yes. Everybody likes them."<br>Shizuo wanted to instruct his little brother on the pernicious influence of such games but he could not quite do it when he was supposed to be working on one. At this point the salarymen returned, having somehow tracked down La Kanra, and being huge fans offered to pay him some chips to tackle the serious money. Izaya assented happily enough because serious gambling could only be made with other people's money.  
>But Shizuo did not like the thought of Izaya just dropping him like this.<br>"You! Where do you think you're going, you slut! It's like you ate the Slut Slut devil fruit!"  
>Izaya rolled his eyes.<br>"Oh, please. Will you spare me the One Piece references."  
>"You know what I mean! You're all slutty and you can't swim!"<br>"I can swim just fine."  
>Kasuka noticed that Izaya did not deny the only accusation.<br>"No you can't!"  
>And to prove this point Shizuo picked him up and unceremoniously dropped Izaya in the lobby fountain. It was only knee deep but unfortunately Izaya went face down and his weave soaked up the water to the point of becoming very heavy. So heavy that he couldn't lift his head from the water despite all the splashing. Shizuo had a moment of sheer triumph that turned into panic.<p> 


	48. Chapter 48

"Izaya! Don't you die on me!"  
>Going on automatic Shizuo lifted Izaya from the fountain and proceeded to give him mouth to mouth despite the fact that Izaya was clearly conscious and not at all happy. Kasuka saw fit to comment on the situation:<br>"Ironic, that Orihara-san comes from an island nation only to nearly drown in a land locked state. On shallow water. It makes for a strange tragedy route."  
>Izaya was too busy coughing water and trying to get his breath back to voice his many protests. Shizuo saw fit to shake him.<br>"Get a grip! You can't die!"  
>"...fuck you! Are you trying to kill me?"<br>"Orihara-san, try saying 'What if I'd died?' in a very shocked manner. And then, 'I'm in despair!' These lines are always very useful."  
>Izaya glared at both siblings as if unsure of which one he hated the most. But of course he defaulted back to Shizuo who was now petting his head and sighing deeply.<br>"Man, you sure scared me! But really, how come you're so bad with water?"  
>"I am fine with water, it's the weave, the weave!"<br>And Izaya wrung said weave viciously.  
>"Oh...what about it?"<br>"It gets heavy when wet!"  
>"I see, so you're not weak with water, you're just real weak overall!"<br>"Shut up!"  
>Izaya staggered to his feet and Shizuo got to see just how the wet dress revealed the slender body underneath. Izaya's choice of makeup was exquisite but unfortunately it was not waterproof. As a result he now looked remarkable pitiful and adorably helpless. As it turned out, Shizuo had a thing for helpless girls, it triggered his protective instinct, and apparently that also applied to helpless Izaya in his girlish mode.<br>"There, there. It's got to suck, even your panties are soaked- not like that! I don't mean it in a naughty way. But still, but you know, you're alive and-"  
>"Why wouldn't I be alive! And whose fault is it that I look like this, yours! Stupid Shizu-chan!"<br>Izaya gestured downward to draw Shizuo's attention to the wreck of his dress. Not that Shizuo needed any incentive in this respect.  
>"Orihara-san, 'it's not like him or anything'."<br>With something like misplaced chivalry Shizuo removed his not too dry shiny jacket and placed it over Izaya's shoulders.  
>"There, so you don't get sick again. You're already shaking."<br>Indeed Izaya was but it was out of barely contained fury. It took him a while to notice the giggling sound that was very familiar once Izaya actually heard it. And just like that Dr. Phil stood before them, tiny eyes shining.  
>"Got a great shot of a kiss, m'kay."<br>Izaya found his lungs still contained plenty of water as he tried to protest most emphatically.  
>"Hey, sensei, don't go tripping Izaya now. He's all shaky still, nearly drowning does that to him."<br>When Kasuka translated Shizuo started violently.  
>"Kiss? That wasn't a kiss, it was CPR, I saved his life!"<br>Izaya finally recovered again and turned to Dr. Phil.  
>"Just how low will you go? That was <em>not<em> a kiss! Not! A! Kiss!"  
>"Sure looks like one on camera, m'kay? And don't forget, we edit this show. Oh yes, we edit."<br>"A thousand nuclear holocausts on you!"  
>No one could accuse Izaya of not being creative in his threats.<br>"You should change into dry clothes,"  
>Izaya flat out ignored Shizuo and glared at Dr. Phil instead. It saddened Shizuo who was realizing that he quite liked when Izaya railed at him and him alone.<br>"This is pure defamation! Ahchoo, curses."  
>Shizuo had had enough of this and simply carried Izaya under an arm.<br>"He's already sneezing, can't be good. Sensei can talk to Izaya tomorrow, right now I'm getting him all warm and dry before he dies all over again."  
>"Let go of me! Do you even understand what's going on?"<br>"Yeah, kinda. Doesn't matter, you can go all 'I'll sue you!' later. This wouldn't happen if you didn't end up falling into water all the time."  
>"You're the one dumping me into rivers and fountains!"<br>"Good luck, nii-chan. Here, take a condom with you."  
>"Oh, thanks. I mean, I don't need this!"<br>Izaya sighed in defeat.  
>"My head hurts, just put me down before I get sick."<br>"Back to the caravan, then."  
>Shizuo sounded strangely pleased. Truth be told he did not care for horny salarymen eating up Izaya with their eyes. As for Izaya he simply gave up altogether and allowed himself to be carried.<p> 


	49. Chapter 49

Once in the caravan, Izaya quickly wiped off the runny makeup. Shizuo wanted to help him undress, his motives being most pure, but Izaya would have none of that. Izaya wrapped himself in a fluffy white robe and called for a conference in hushed tones in the bedroom. Shizuo changed into regular clothes.  
>"This is very bad, Shizu-chan. It is entirely your fault like usual but that is beside the point now."<br>"Is it that bad...? I thought the sex recording was worse."  
>Izaya poked Shizuo in the chest.<br>"It is ten times worse."  
>"Why? It was just a kiss-"<br>"Not a kiss!"  
>Izaya almost hissed.<br>"'kay, either way, sex is worse..."  
>By which Shizuo meant that it was better.<br>"You don't understand anything. Dr. Egghead can't air the sex audio, his audience would freak. His show is aimed at suburban housewives, no way he can have explicit gay sex even if it's just in sound format! But kisses are 'romantic' and whatnot. That he can and will air! I'm doomed!"  
>And in his dismay Izaya sank into bed, the weave pooling around him in a most charming manner.<br>"Yeah...are you gonna keep the wig?"  
>"I can't remove it without a hairdresser's aid. It's a weave, not a wig."<br>"Oh...looks cool on you. I mean, not that I appreciate men that way-"  
>"Drop the act, the time to be saying such things is before you fuck another guy senseless, not after. What are we going to do!"<br>"Dunno...any ideas?"  
>Shizuo remembered how amazing sex with Izaya was.<br>"I wouldn't be asking you if I had any ideas!"  
>"Guess it was almost like a kiss..."<br>"No. No, it wasn't. CPR only counts as kissing in the same lala land that counts indirect kisses."  
>"Lala land, like, La Kanra? And Las Vegas-"<br>"Listen to me Shizu-chan, and listen good. You have got to cooperate with me here."  
>"On what, kissing and stuff...?"<br>Izaya poked Shizuo in the forehead, having to stand on tiptoe to achieve this.  
>"Get your act together! How come you're not upset over this?"<br>"Kasuka approves of us being together so I guess it's not so bad after all."  
>Izaya's jaw dropped.<br>"What kind of person is bossed around by his kid brother?"  
>"Not bossed around but if he is cool with it then I'll just 'roll with the punches' like you say. Not that I like you. I totally don't like you."<br>"Will you stop saying that! It only makes it worse."  
>"So I should say that I like you...?"<br>"No! No, you shouldn't!"  
>Izaya gesticulated crazily.<br>"Dunno what I should do, then."  
>With that said, Shizuo would not at all mind to put the condom to good use. Izaya sighed anew.<br>"I have to think this through."  
>Shizuo cleared his throat.<br>"We should, maybe, you know, just...do it."  
>"Say what?"<br>"It's just that we've been avoiding it but if we just went ahead and did it we'd feel better."  
>"'We' being you. Did you forget there are mics on the corridor? On top of everything else!"<br>"Just say it's the game thing again if you get too loud...and you get pretty loud, it's cute-"  
>"You deserve a thousand nuclear holocausts as well."<br>"That was a compliment! I just said you are cute. Cute!"  
>"...am I supposed to be happy? Of course I am cute. I am La Kanra."<br>"I thought you were Izaya...I'm getting confused with all these people, I'd rather you just remained Izaya."  
>"Enough, you've spewed enough stupidity already. We need to think of a solution."<br>"I got nothing...oh, look, ootoro flavor...? That's weird."  
>Shizuo studied the condom.<br>"Dirty trick if I ever saw one. Cashing in on my love for fatty tuna. As if that would work."  
>"Man, so weird. Flavored condoms..."<br>"Focus, Shizu-chan, focus."  
>Shizuo did indeed focus. He focused on Izaya looking cute.<br>"Yeah...so...what do we do now?"  
>"Why do you have to be so useless?"<br>"You're changing the subject and not helping either."  
>Shizuo folded his arms and nodded almost solemnly.<br>"Maybe we should ask Tom-san."  
>"No need to add more people."<br>Izaya paced back and forth.  
>"There goes my night of gambling, on top of everything!"<br>"That's a good thing. Gambling ain't right and those guys were totally checking you out."  
>"What is it to you either way!"<br>At this point Shizuo blinked repeatedly.  
>"Er, you're supposed to be all smart...read the mood already!"<br>"I have no idea what you're talking about."  
>"You know what I mean!"<br>"I have no idea and I don't want you to clarify either."  
>"Ha, you dressed up your hoes in bartender outfits!"<p> 


	50. Chapter 50

"My 'hoes'? What on Earth-"  
>"You admitted it yourself! Don't think I forgot. And you were saying my name when you were jerking off the other day."<br>"That is hardly relevant now."  
>"Ha! Easy for you to say but I've been putting up with your antics for way too long so I'll come and say it: I want to fuck you and I'm not ashamed of it either. Even if you're a bastard."<br>Despite everything Izaya was shocked.  
>"Well of course you want that, I am hot. And once you've got a piece of me it's obvious you'd be eager for more. Not to mention you're a creepy rapist."<br>"Oh no you don't! It wasn't rape, you liked it, because Dr. Moustache is right, we've wanted to fuck since high school!"  
>Izaya paled in rage but still remembered to keep his voice low.<br>"Speak for yourself!"  
>"And the real reason why you won't let me sleep in the same bed it's 'cuz you know you'll get all horny."<br>"You got a high opinion of yourself. It is called 'delusion'."  
>"Izaya-"<br>"That's it!"  
>Izaya jumped up and down, suddenly very excited.<br>"What's it...?"  
>"Hate sex, Shizu-chan! Hate sex!"<br>"I don't get it..."  
>This time it was Izaya that actually petted Shizuo's head.<br>"Worry not, you're too stupid to understand most things."  
>"There you go again! Fucking nasty!"<br>Izaya nodded and smiled happily.  
>"Yes, that's the spirit! You were right in saying that the more we deny it the worse it all seems. So we'll admit that we're into hate sex. After all, what other kind of sexing would we be into? I am not into it myself but I'm sure I can make people believe otherwise. From constant bickering to hate sex is a small leap. We'll go with that and preempt Eggman's idea of a lovey dovey couple."<br>"Ah...but there's no cuddling in hate sex..."  
>Izaya gave him a quizzical look.<br>"Of course not. Who'd care for that anyway? That's for people who like each other."  
>"You're to bloody slow! I'm trying to tell you that I like you!"<br>"Stop talking stupid."  
>"Well I'm sorry if I'm stupid, can't help it!"<br>"Keep your voice down."  
>"Fine, if you want hate sex then I'll give you hate sex. Don't go bitching that it was rape afterward."<br>And Shizuo was already working on removing Izaya's robe.  
>"Hold it right there! I said we're going to admit to be into hate sex, not to actually <em>have<em> hate sex."  
>Shizuo frowned.<br>"Not gonna work. You know I'm no good with complicated lies. Anyone can see through it when I try to lie, I suck at it."  
>"Are you suggesting that we turn the lie into truth...?"<br>"Nah, that's too complicated too. More like, we should just do it and don't sweat the small stuff."  
>"If I need to do this in order for you to stick to the story then I guess that's that-"<br>"Whatever, I don't care what you tell yourself."  
>As far as Shizuo knew Izaya was the one being delusional and to the extreme, too. For once Shizuo kept things to himself, partially because it might compromise his chances of scoring and because he was too busy kissing Izaya. Which meant somewhat clumsy tongue action.<br>"Shizu-chan, you're no good at this. At all. Just take my lead and you may learn a thing or two."  
>"Okay..."<br>Izaya let the robe fall and stepped out the naked glory, tossing the long length of hair over a shoulder.  
>"Just because I'm the bottom doesn't mean I don't know how to do this, when it comes to sexing I have mad skills."<br>"Ah..."  
>Before Izaya's smooth naked body Shizuo became rather unarticulated. Which suited Izaya just fine since he greatly enjoyed being in a position of superiority. Izaya had to stand on tiptoe to bring his lips to Shizuo's and to press a deep wet kiss to his mouth. Shizuo took the opportunity for pushing Izaya flat on his back in bed and readily climbed on top of him.<br>"You better get the lube now."  
>Izaya made it sound very much like a threat. Shizuo reached for a drawer in the bedside table and produced a tiny bottle.<br>"So this is it...never saw it before."  
>"Yeah, yeah, no one cares."<br>"You know, you were cuter when you were feverish and super horny."  
>"Once a rapist, always a rapist."<br>Shizuo did not like this. With deceptive gentleness he traced a finger down Izaya's chest, then down along with flat belly, and carried on until he was touching the developing erection, ever so lightly.  
>"Shut up. You want this as much as I do."<p> 


	51. Chapter 51

"Whatever. I won't have to explain to you how to put on a condom, right?"  
>"Er, maybe..."<br>"Good grief, it's like doing it with a virgin!"  
>"About the condom, want to try on the ootoro flavor..."<br>"No."  
>Shizuo was sad but only the shortest of whiles. After all, Izaya was lying under him and looking cross did nothing to diminish his sexiness. If anything it heightened it. Shizuo played with Izaya's nipples, randomly at first, then rubbing them in a circular motion as he watched them stiffen. It gave Shizuo a greatly needed boost of confidence.<br>"They can put mics everywhere, I don't give a damn. Let them put cameras here too."  
>Izaya lifted an eyebrow and tapped Shizuo's belt and the bulge below the waist.<br>"Sure seems that way, by the looks of it. And what's this, you're one of those tops that don't undress? How am I supposed to get into this if I can't see any skin?"  
>Just when Shizuo was getting the hang of being dominant. He hurried to remove his clothes most clumsily. Izaya calmly undid the buttons of Shizuo's vest, then the shirt, then felt up the exposed impeccable abs.<br>"I guess you'll do, Shizu-chan."  
>Izaya did away with Shizuo's clothes with great dexterity even though he remained under him.<br>"Oy! That's my job! Why are you doing everything yourself!"  
>Shizuo did not mean anything by it but he now pulled Izaya's long hair.<br>"That bloody hurts!"  
>"Thought it was a wig...?"<br>"I've told you a million times, it's a weave! As in, it's attached to my actual hair so when you do that it fucking hurts!"  
>"Ah...so that's how it was..."<br>Shizuo ran his fingers through smooth dark hair. He could not tell that it was artificial at all and he liked feeling it sliding on his hand. Izaya was about to protest since he had not signed for weird fetishes but Shizuo decided to try something different. Namely, licking and sucking on Izaya's already sensitive nipples. To his great satisfaction this elicited a moan from Izaya. More, it caused Izaya to spread himself in bed, the hair pooling around him.  
>Hate sex or not, Izaya had no qualms voicing his pleasure, down to half closing his eyes as Shizuo lathered up one nipple and then the other. Shizuo did not even mean to rub his erection against Izaya's, at least not consciously, but when it happened he found himself gasping. As did Izaya which did not keep him from whistling slyly. By now a pink tint suffused his skin in a most pretty way that did not at all match his playful expression.<br>"Oh my, you really are hung like a horse."  
>"Shut up! Don't put it like that!"<br>"It was a compliment, Shi-zu-chan~"  
>Thick pre-cum oozed from Shizuo's engorged tip, it made rubbing smoother without diminishing the tantalizing friction.<br>"Shit, you're one hell of a hot bitch."  
>Izaya smiled and caressed Shizuo's cheek, almost lovingly, before he poised his nails at his throat.<br>"You don't get to talk that way to me just because we're about to fuck. Better keep that in mind or I'll slash your throat open. Just try me if you don't believe I can do it."  
>Shizuo believed it all too well. And it only made his very hard cock throb.<br>"Feisty, aren't you."  
>"Only for you, <em>darling<em>."  
>Izaya actually batted his lashes. Shizuo hesitated for a heartbeat before running his tongue down Izaya's body, tasting sweat from the heated skin, until he was licking the shaft of his penis. Shizuo sampled the mixture of their pre-cum.<br>"It's salty."  
>"No way! Such a genius observation."<br>Shizuo grinned. It was about time Izaya paid for everything.  
>"I'm gonna make you regret your attitude."<br>Shizuo started by letting a string of saliva add another layer to Izaya's already wet member. Then he slowly licked it anew before sucking on it equally slowly, making full use of his mouth. Izaya dissolved into moans and he pushed his hips upwards for greater stimulation. Shizuo let him and even encouraged him by swallowing whole.  
>"...woah..."<br>Shizuo could tell that Izaya no longer cared just who it was that was pleasing him as long as the delicious wet warmth did not abate. Shizuo would have none of that. He let the twitching length slide from between his lips with a deliberate popping sound that he was sure was annoying.  
>"What the hell? What are you stopping for?"<br>"Ah, Izaya-kun is all sad now. Isn't that a shame."


	52. Chapter 52

Izaya's glare thrilled Shizuo to no end. There was most definitely something to this hate sex story.  
>"You bastard, you can't just start and-"<br>"Oh can't I? Says who? If you want me to suck you dry..._make_ me."  
>Izaya gasped, his breath caught in his throat. The threatening undertone was surprisingly arousing.<br>"Fine, if you want me to beg I'm up to that-"  
>"Beg? That won't change a thing. Beg all you want, see where that gets you. It's called 'hate sex', isn't it?"<br>Izaya humphed and tried to appear most nonplussed. And this he failed completely, all it took was for Shizuo to brush the oozing head to reduce Izaya to a muddle of moans.  
>"Damn you, Shizu-chan. All this stupid teasing is to cover up for the fact that you can't fuck to save your life."<br>Shizuo flat out ignored the provocation and parted Izaya's legs, placing his hands solidly on smooth thighs. Shizuo tested Izaya's entrance, just poking it tentatively.  
>"That's a real small hole but I know it'll fit."<br>"Just don't forget I'm not a chick, don't expect it to self-lubricate- oh..."  
>Izaya's pertinent protest was cut short by Shizuo's sliding in a lubed finger into Izaya's anus. Slowly but surely wiggling his way in. Izaya clawed at the sheets and tried to angle his hips to maximize the intrusion. Shizuo watched with great curiously but held him in place.<br>"Looks like you like this, huh."  
>"Try getting it right already!"<br>Shizuo took his own sweet time adding more fingers and stretching until Izaya was equally furious and turned on. Only then did Shizuo press the weak spot and it was quite amazing, how Izaya arched his back with great agility. Izaya's body all quivering limbs.  
>"Be patient, you freak."<br>With this said, Shizuo was stalling for time. Because he was unsure if he could put on the condom with his hands shaking and there was no way he could ask Izaya for help. The situation solved itself by Izaya taking matters into his own hands before Shizuo had to say anything. In a blink of an eye the condom was unwrapped, covering Shizuo's hardness, a healthy dose of lube poured on it before Shizuo even realized what had happened.  
>Izaya took it to himself to place a foot on Shizuo's strong shoulder and smiled cockily.<br>"So, Shizu-chan. Heard you were going to fuck me hard?"  
>"Now you've done it."<br>Shizuo pounced as Izaya fully expected him to. Izaya took the momentum of such a body slamming into him to roll backwards ever so slightly – just enough to get the right angle – and wrapped his legs around him so that Shizuo was locked in.  
>As for Shizuo, he was only marginally aware of any of this, even as Izaya winced and closed his eyes upon penetration. Shizuo was too concerned with the tight pressure around his cock to notice much. For a bit his vision grew dim, fortunately Izaya had to adjust to the feeling of the intrusion of something this big.<br>"...not fucking human!"  
>"Shut up! I'm human!"<br>Izaya could barely muster the strength to lash at Shizuo but it added to his arousal. By the time Shizuo's eyes cleared his heart skipped a beat and he thrust out of instinct – here was Izaya, dick up the ass, nipples standing out, dripping pre-cum, flat chest heaving as a pretty flush suffused his cheeks and made him look coy and adorable as well as incredibly hot.  
>Shizuo plunged in and out of him like a piston and indeed there was something machine-like to the way he thoroughly hammered into Izaya. Shizuo's groans did not even reach Izaya by then but it was his turn to groan as Shizuo clutched handfuls of his hair and used it to gain leverage.<br>"What the- fuck- my _hair_!"  
>"Like a girl- yapping about-"<br>"It bloody hurts!"  
>"Can't stop-"<br>Dialogue became even more disorderly than usual as Shizuo picked up speed, sweat dripping from his swaying body, highlighting well sculptured musculature currently at work as Shizuo exerted himself to the utmost, electrifying sparks of pleasure running amok in his riotous bloodstream. Izaya clawed at Shizuo's back hard enough to draw blood, his legs growing weaker as the rhythm of thrust upon thrust took its toll on his self-control. Shizuo took the hint and lifted Izaya's right leg thus immediately gaining deeper access to the tightening heat inside his body.


	53. Chapter 53

Shizuo charged blindly ahead, marginally aware of telltale signs as Izaya got closer to tidying over. Such as Izaya becoming breathless and surprisingly silent, limbs quivering. Only when a splatter of hot semen splashed him did Shizuo connect tingling convulsions to the fact that Izaya was climaxing.  
>Shizuo was too far gone to even be angry that Izaya got to come first, with a final thrust and a groan Shizuo pinned him flat on the creaking bed as he released deep inside, the rush unlike anything he had ever experienced. Since Shizuo was hardly used to this kind of thing, he could only collapse forward, orgasm sweeping him in a blast of pleasure. Shizo pumped his cum for what felt like a small eternity and it was regretfully that he withdrew, watching the whitish trail seep out of Izaya who now winced.<br>"You really are not human, did you just burst the condom?"  
>"Yeah...sorry..."<br>With that said Shizuo was not even remotely sorry. Afterglow made Shizuo see Izaya in a soothing light and even the fact that Izaya was cleaning himself with a wrinkled nose and a clear look of distaste did not annoy Shizuo.  
>"Ew, your stuff is on me. That's just gross."<br>"You got your stuff on me too so it's all good."  
>Izaya stretched and rolled on his side.<br>"That's milk, Shizu-chan! Milk! So there!"  
>"Yeah, yeah."<br>Shizuo wiped the semen off his skin and fluffed a pillow. He was getting sleepy and in the mood for some spooning.  
>"What do you think you're doing?"<br>"Getting ready to sleep."  
>"What, in my bed?"<br>"Since when is the bed yours! It's ours!"  
>"No, it isn't. The bed is mine and there is no way you'll be sleeping here with me."<br>"You're kicking me out?"  
>"That's the gist of it, yes."<br>"I can't believe you! After we just had sex, you can't kick me out!"  
>"Oh yes I can. Ever heard of 'overstaying your welcome'? It's like that."<br>"But you were fine with me when we were doing it!"  
>"What does sex have to do with sleeping with someone?"<br>"No wonder you ain't got a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or any kind of friend! With that kind of attitude!"  
>"Yeah, yeah. This is your cue to leave. I'm sleepy and need to get some catch eye."<br>"Where am I supposed to sleep!"  
>"Beats me. You can huddle in a corner or crash in with Tom-san."<br>"Oh yeah?"  
>"Yes. Now shoo, shoo."<br>So much for Shizuo's idea of Izaya being adorable.  
>"Fine, I'll leave! But I'm taking the sheets and pillows with me!"<br>"You're so childish, Shizu-chan."  
>Shizuo gathered said items and stormed out of the room. Izaya just shrugged and tried to make himself comfortable. After a while he began to get a bit cold and then very cold. The caravan was crossing the desert at night and the temperature dropped drastically. There did not seem any heating and no amount of piling on clothes did anything to make him any warmer. Izaya cursed his luck, without his jacket or any kind of blanket he was close to freezing.<p>

Tom said nothing when Shizuo arrived carrying bundles of blankets and pillows. It was easy to see that Shizuo was fuming and Tom was wise enough not to break the silence.  
>"Shizu-chan, give me a blanket."<br>Izaya stood and shivered on the threshold wearing far too many clothes, to Tom it seemed that La Kanra was expecting twins.  
>"No way."<br>"I'm freezing to death!"  
>"It's all your fault! Cuz you won't let me sleep with you, you'd be nice and warm that way but you have to be a fucking bitch!"<br>"You don't need all those blankets!"  
>"Tough luck."<br>"And because of you I don't even have my fur!"  
>Luckily for Tom no one was paying him any attention because he now had to bite his lips to keep himself from giggling. Having stuffed something like four sweaters Izaya did look like a very bitchy pregnant woman, the long hair adding to the impression.<br>"Humans aren't supposed to have fur so stop yapping about it."  
>"Are we heading to Alaska or something, if so then you can meet up with your kin: the Abominable Snowman!"<br>"Oh yeah? So, I ain't human? Then that means you're into, into, what's it called like when you have sex with animals,"  
>Tom decided to help out.<br>"Bestiality?"  
>"Yeah, that!"<br>"Go to hell, I bloody hate you!"  
>"Good! I hate you too!"<br>Tom sighed, so they were back to this again.


	54. Chapter 54

"Are you coming back to bed already or what!"  
>"Sure, but take off some of your clothes. Like, all of them-"<br>"Don't push your luck, Shizu-chan."  
>And just like this Shizuo followed Izaya back to the bedroom, leaving Tom to wonder just how on earth they managed to be so unpredictable and illogical. As they retreated Tom could not help noticing how much like a real couple they looked.<p>

Izaya slipped into warm Pjs, something of a compromise as far as Shizuo could tell. Shizuo was very happy to be able to get under the covers with Izaya.  
>"Put some clothes on."<br>"I sleep in my underwear!"  
>"Not when I'm around you don't."<br>Shizuo grumbled but ended up obeying. Izaya took an absurd time fluffing the pillows and flattening the mattress.  
>"What are you doing! The bed is fine!"<br>"It's not fine, the sheets are all messed up."  
>"You're so fussy."<br>"I prize neatness, that's all."  
>"Stop nagging already!"<br>Izaya yawned, stretched and made himself comfortable under warm blankets. Shizuo muttered something or other and joined him.  
>"Don't go getting any funny ideas, Shizu-chan."<br>"Bloody Izaya, oy! Don't tell me you're already sleeping? Are you five years old or something...?"  
>And indeed Izaya was fast asleep. Shizuo cursed under his breath but he was not that bothered, after all he could now cuddle to his heart's content without having to put up with endless bitching. More, Izaya nestled against Shizuo's chest of his own accord. Shizuo hugged him and went to sleep very happily.<br>Izaya woke up but thought he was having a nightmare. How else to explain the fact that Dr. Phil was staring at him with those tiny unblinking eyes of his. Izaya tried to wave the vision away and ended up touching solid flesh. At this point he woke up entirely.  
>"Eek, what is going on here!"<br>"M'kay, last night was quite a hit, huh? We got it all on tape. Oh yes we did."  
>Shizuo lurched awake and was still rubbing his eyes sleepily.<br>"What's with all this screaming so early in the morning- what the, it's the doctor fellow!"  
>Shizuo hurried up to cover a stiffie with a sheet. This was what he get for spooning with Izaya.<br>"What do you mean you got it on tape? This is the bedroom we're talking about! I am suing you for all you're worth!"  
>Dr. Phil chuckled.<br>"Thing is, this isn't the bedroom. It's a room with a bed. Different thing."  
>"What?"<br>Izaya jumped to his feet, all indignation.  
>"While you were cavorting in girls' clothes our team switched the caravan for an identical one and moved all of your stuff. In this new caravan this isn't the bedroom but a room with a bed. So you can't sue, it's all legit."<br>Izaya's jaw dropped.  
>"You! You horrible liar!"<br>Shizuo was of course hopelessly confused. He had not the faintest idea of what was going on at all apart from the fact that he had morning wood and Izaya was arguing loudly in English with the mustache guy. Then Shizuo noticed something else that horrified him.  
>"Ha! Look at that, Izaya! He's wearing shoes indoors! Shoes! In a bedroom, even!"<br>Izaya flat out ignored Shizuo's outrage.  
>"The ratings are going through the roof."<br>Izaya scrambled but composed himself.  
>"There is no way you can show that on your show. Hardcore gay sex on the Dr. Phil show? I don't think so. Some of the things we did aren't even legal in some states."<br>Dr. Phil chuckled anew and twirled his fat mustache, his eyes twinkling.  
>"M'kay, you're too naive."<br>"Naive?"  
>Of all the insults one could hurtle at Izaya this was perhaps the worst.<br>"I can't air on my show, sure. But ever heard of the internet? Hmm? I leak it online, m'kay, and my audience will flock to it. It goes viral, word of mouth gets more views. There's stuff that suburban moms won't watch on TV cuz there's folk around but 'PC' are called 'personal' for a reason: you can watch porn there without people knowing. My viewers will eat it all up and I'll get new fans. And just wait until I drop a word in Japan."  
>Izaya collapsed on the floor, his knees giving out, his voice trembling as he relapsed back to his mother language.<br>"You're...you're the devil! The very devil!"  
>"I'm just as shocked, wearing shoes indoors! Your mother didn't raise you right, she really didn't. Even the shady people I collect debts from never wear shoes indoors, it's so wrong."<p> 


	55. Chapter 55

Shizuo nodded gravely and given the circumstances it was borderline ridiculous. Izaya was close to tears.  
>"Shizu-chan! Do something!"<br>"'kay, can't stand the shoes."  
>And without further ado Shizuo picked up Dr. Phil, thus proving yet again his great strength, and shook him until the shoes came off. He then placed them at the door of the caravan and returned most pleased with himself, having made a short detour to jerk off in the bathroom.<br>"There, now you need some slippers-"  
>"Your problem is the shoes? Are you that retarded?"<br>"M'kay, look how cute you two look, sleeping together."  
>Dr. Phil was not fazed by this kind of treatment. He produced a digital camera with a picture of of Shizuo and Izaya happily cuddling in bed.<br>"Aw, look at that Izaya! It's cute-"  
>"Why me!"<br>Dr. Phil nodded merrily.  
>"So far so good, the dialogue was a bit tacky – my audience likes dirty talk, not weird hate rants that don't even make sense – but it's good. But it's not enough."<br>Izaya picked himself off the floor with difficulty.  
>"What more do you want!"<br>"Lovey dovey stuff. My audience is sucker for that kind of stuff. They want dates, holding hands, sharing ice cream, watching sappy movies together."  
>"Why would I do that!"<br>Dr. Phil's eyes narrowed dangerously.  
>"You should know what happens when you go against me, m'kay? I dunno about how street smart you think you are, you've been owned by a good ole fashioned Texas boy."<br>Meanwhile Shizuo remained deeply confused, no one having bothered to translate this dialogue. Tom was wise enough to stay away from this confrontation.  
>"Now look here, Mustache man, I dunno what you're here for but Izaya and I have this thing going and we were about to, you know, get it on so if you could leave- hey, translate what I'm saying. Man, why can't everyone just learn Japanese- what the hell you doing?"<br>Izaya was now resorting to tearing off his long lush hair.  
>"Oy, Izaya! Why are you going all crazy on me!"<br>"I'm doomed...doomed..."  
>Dr. Phil tutted and shook his finger.<br>"Now, now. It's so that bad. Let's look at the bright side. You're already taking steps toward admitting how you really feel. That is good. This is just the final push. By the time you boys land in Japan you'll be glad to date."  
>Izaya made an effort to gather himself.<br>"Why! Why can't you leave it at hate sexing! Why must you insist on all this silly talk about dating and whatnot!"  
>"Did you forget that I'm an specialist in relationships? That's what I do, I'm no sex therapist. I help people develop and develop loving relationships. My viewers aren't y/ denizens, they are in it for the love, m'kay? The love. That is why this is relationship rescue."  
>"...How do you know about y/!"  
>"Oh, I know things. Don't think I don't. Your pal there is already getting all protective."<br>Dr. Phil chuckled anew. Shizuo had in fact realized that Dr. Phil was upsetting Izaya and he did not like it one bit.  
>"You Americans have no respect, waking us up like this. I was sure I was gonna score later in the morning but you screwed that up...and why are you almost crying?"<br>Indeed tears brimmed Izaya's eyes.  
>"Shizu-chan! I've been had! A room...with a bed...is not a bedroom!"<br>"Huh? Did all that fish get to your head or something?"  
>"It's not a bedroom! Cameras! The internet! Fucking 4chan, of all things!"<br>"4 what?"  
>"-Chan!"<br>Shizuo frowned.  
>"Don't like it when you '-chan' other people."<br>"Some things never change. You remain too stupid for words!"  
>Izaya explained what had happened with many unnecessary pauses for expletives and tangents.<br>"Woah, so he's gonna put it online...?"  
>"Yes!"<br>"That's kinda bad, I guess."  
>"You guess?"<br>Then suddenly Shizuo started.  
>"No wait, it's very bad. I can't have that happening!"<br>"Finally, your brain starts working!"  
>Shizuo turned to Dr. Phil.<br>"I won't allow this, no way. Guys will be drooling over Izaya! No fucking way I'll let that happen! No fucking way!"  
>Only now did Dr. Phil realize that Shizuo was about to go berserk. Izaya took the opportunity.<br>"Dr. Phil, I am sure we can work out something. How about you don't leak it online and we give you the sweetest, most /cm/ worthy romance your viewers have ever seen? The kind that might give them diabetes, because it's so sugary."


	56. Chapter 56

"Hmm...m'kay, I'll leave you boys to it. Make it sweet or else. The audience must want to hug you."  
>"And you won't leak it online...?"<br>"Maybe. M'kay, I won't leak it, then. If it is convincing."  
>"We'll do our very best! But we'll have to plan this, you won't air our preparations, I hope?"<br>"No need to worry about that. I got your back."  
>"Yay! Editing for the win!"<br>Dr. Phil nodded and plodded away.  
>"Okay, Shizu-chan. We must act like the most in love couple ever. You heard the man, lovey dovey."<br>Izaya rubbed his hands nervously.  
>"I heard him but didn't understand a thing. Lovey dovey, huh...dunno how to do that."<br>"What do you mean?"  
>"I never dated anyone...don't watch TV drama...or read romantic stuff...how does it go, this kind of thing?"<br>Izaya folded his arms and looked absurdly smug.  
>"Listen to me, Shizu-chan. You just got to follow my lead on this."<br>Shizuo scratched his head.  
>"Okay...not much of a choice here. But have you ever dated anyone?"<br>"Well, no. But that is completely besides the point. We have to make it a pure romantic idyll to appeal to the American audience. That means no rape, by the way. Just so you know."  
>"I know that..."<br>"We're going mass market here. I know, how about we do this."  
>And Izaya explained the plan.<p>

Tom had been hiding but he could not avoid eating forever. So he tiptoed to the kitchen very cautiously. What he found floored him to the point of making him doubt his sanity.  
>"Orihara-san...?"<br>"Hello, Tom-san! Take a seat. This will be ready in no time."  
>Izaya smiled beautifully and returned to chopping cucumbers. While wearing a frilly apron, the long hair glossily perfect. Before Tom could regain himself enough to ask what was going on Shizuo walked in.<br>"Hi there, Izaya. What will be having for lunch?"  
>Izaya skipped over to Shizuo, batted his eyelashes as he leaned forward, hands laced behind his back. How Izaya did not fall flat on his face was a mystery to Tom. As was this entire scenario, truth be told.<br>"Shizu-chan, there is tuna with cucumber. Would you like to eat that, take a bath or eat me~? Neh, Shi-zu-chan?  
>Shizuo blushed even though they had rehearsed this. Izaya grabbed an intact cucumber and proceeded to slowly eat it, lips very glossy as he licked it. Just when Tom thought things could not get any stranger Dr. Phil popped out. Somehow.<br>"M'kay, this won't do. I said sweet and lovely, not borderline porn."  
>"It's not porn! And this kind of thing passes for romantic! Doesn't it, Tom-san?"<br>"Eh, I don't think so...I mean, it depends...but this isn't Akihabara..."  
>Izaya stomped angrily.<br>"Damn you prudish Americans! What, I suppose Shizu-chan stumbling into me as I change and me being all 'kya!' isn't romantic either this side of the Pacific?"  
>"That's not romantic at all, m'kay?"<br>Tom tried very hard not to laugh. Shizuo was as usual confused but got Tom to explain.  
>"I knew it! You don't know shit about romance!"<br>"Shut up! I'm trying my hardest here!"  
>"You said you knew all about it!"<br>"Not firsthand!"  
>"You don't know shit about it at all! This is stuff that basement dwellers like!"<br>"Like you wouldn't like me to dress up as a maid and prance about while calling you 'master'!"  
>"Well, yeah but that's not the point! American folk aren't into that kind of stuff! Cuz they ain't human! I mean, that's gotta be it...why else wouldn't they want to see your bubble ass in a short skirt...with lacy panties...white panties...with lace..."<br>"...Shizu-chan...? Stop thinking out loud!"  
>Tom turned to Dr. Phil.<br>"For the record, this isn't exactly normal in Japan either."  
>"M'ay, no surprises there."<br>Meanwhile the argument raged unabated.  
>"Oh really then how about you tell me what you think is romantic. Since you suddenly know it all even though you're stupid. Stupid Shizu-chan, stuuuuuuuupid-"<br>"Fucking annoying! Romantic is trying on cute yukatas to go to the festival, scoop gold fish and later kiss under fireworks!"  
>"Look around, we're in the middle of the desert! Do you see any festivals around?"<br>"I guess not..."  
>Tom coughed and made a suggestion.<br>"How about you stick to more universal forms of romance? As in, holding hands and candlelight dinners."


	57. Chapter 57

"Come on now! You make it sound like it was like the Korean noodle commercial, for heavens sake!"*  
>Shizuo got an idea.<br>"I know what's real romantic."  
>"No you don't."<br>"You can't tell for sure until you heard me out!"  
>"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."<br>"It's like this: it's raining and I am going back home after work, I find you all alone in a card box, in an alley, all wet and miserable. So I pick you up and shield you from the rain with my vest. Then I take you home and dry you, give you some nice warm milk-"  
>"Eh, Shizu-chan? That's what you do with cats. It doesn't make any sense with a human."<br>"It's cute either way."  
>"You remain useless as ever."<br>"Oh yeah? I don't see you saying that when I'm giving it to you hard-"  
>"That's not important now. We're going for romantic, remember? Keep your filthy fantasies to yourself."<br>"Why I ought to-"  
>Tom placed himself between them, only because he could tell Shizuo was not really serious.<br>"You can fight later. How about my suggestions? Candlelight dinner and all that."  
>"That may be a good idea, Tom-san."<br>"Where did the Mustache fellow go?"  
>Dr. Phil had again disappeared without a trace. But just like god he saw all and knew all, m'kay.<p>

"Shizu-chan, we'll be making nigiri balls with tuna inside!"  
>"Yeah...how do you make that again?"<br>"We'll make them together, that's the best way of learning."  
>Izaya smiled splendidly. They were standing side by side on the caravan's kitchen. Izaya had decided that the candlelight dinner would be even more endearing if they fixed it together. It was also a way of rehashing his devoted waifu scenario of which he was considerably fond. So course Izaya wore an apron and got Shizuo to wear one as well.<br>"Oh, cool."  
>Another good thing about this revamped setting was that it did away with Shizuo having to memorize a script or even provide much talk. One-liners served just fine and it added to the overall cuteness of it all. Izaya was also counting on metrosexual trends about men cooking being sophisticated and adorable. Bonus points for pimping Japanese food.<br>"The most important thing is to roll the rice. Like this, see?"  
>Izaya exemplified, his hands very delicate as they handled the plain rice with care. Giving food network hosts a run for their money. To keep the long hair from getting in the way Izaya had it tied in a ponytail<br>"Didn't know you could cook like this!"  
>"Here, for you, Shizu-chan."<br>Izaya offered a perfectly prepared rice ball. Shizuo blushed because Izaya had a way of disarming him entirely when he was nice for a change.  
>"Thanks."<br>"The filling is already inside."  
>"Tuna, right?"<br>Shizuo took a bite off the nigiri. Izaya tilted his head to the side and smiled ever so sweetly.  
>"That's right, Shizu-chan. It's my favorite fish and I wanted to share it with you."<br>"Woah, so tasty!"  
>And Shizuo was not faking it either. As if to make it even easier for Izaya a grain of rice adhered to Shizuo's face right next to the corner of the lip. Izaya planted a kiss there.<br>"You had a little something there."  
>"Ah...thanks...good food, yeah."<br>"And now it's your turn, Shizu-chan! You too make a nigiri."  
>"With candy?"<br>"...no."  
>"I'll help you."<br>This entailed Izaya running his nimble fingers along Shizuo's very large ones.  
>"It's kinda sticky."<br>"Be glad we aren't making natto!"  
>Tom who was watching the whole scene blinked in surprise as Izaya and Shizuo shared a laugh. Shizuo destroyed a few rice balls and brooded briefly but Izaya cheered him up with his new and improved attitude.<br>"It's okay, Shizu-chan! It doesn't have to be a perfect triangle, as long as it is tasty and can be carried around. Neh?"  
>"Yeah..."<br>Izaya's smile reached a climax of friendly bashfulness. And then it grew somewhat evil.  
>"Take that, Baldie! <em>This<em> is true romance. It is full of emotion and love. So much _love_."  
>Shizuo grew pale.<br>"Shit, you didn't put anything weird in it, did you? By 'love' you don't mean- you don't your- stuff...?"  
>"There is something very wrong with you, Shizu-chan. Very wrong."<br>Tom chimed in.  
>"Orihara-san, didn't you just ruin the whole thing by dropping the act?"<br>"Not really. Because you see, Tom-san...they edit this show! M'kay! M'kay for the win!"

* * *

><p>*this is the Korean commercial, for those who might be curious:<p>

www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=pesoRSOiaXY


	58. Chapter 58

Shizuo was poking a rice ball and peering into it most suspiciously.  
>"It's not too salty but that doesn't mean much...rice is white, it would mix in easily and I'd never know!"<br>"Oh shut up. If I was to put something in your food I'd go Higurashi on you."  
>"Higurashi [cicada]? You gonna put bugs in my food?"<br>Tom as ever was there to correct misunderstandings.  
>"He means putting needles in your food, I think."<br>"Tom-san is correct!"  
>"That's- that's even worse!"<br>"I said 'if', you blockhead. Rest assured I'd never put my stuff, as you put it, in your food. It's nothing short of a privilege for the likes of you to get to taste it."  
>"...just how big is your fucking ego?"<br>"And it's time we move to phase two."  
>"Phase what...? And will you listen to what people tell you!"<br>"People? I hear no people, just a beastly humanoid creature."  
>"Izaya-KUN!"<br>"Phase two of our 'sweet lovey dovey romance'."  
>"What the! I thought we were done with that!"<br>Izaya leered at him in pure yakuza fashion.  
>"As if. You thought that little act with the food was romantic? You haven't seen anything yet, Shizu-chan. I'm talking throbbing hearts here and passionate declarations of undying love."<br>"Why do we have to go to that extreme...?"  
>"Because I am Orihara Izaya, that's why! I'm going all out. By the time I'm done people will no longer refer to Romeo and Juliet, it'll be 'Izaya and Shizuo'."<br>"What's with that order? Also, you're a guy! We're both guys!"  
>"Point being? Not to mention La Kanra is all and any gender."<br>"Is that a good thing?"  
>"Shizu-chan, do you know what it's romantic? Love triangles."<br>"Ah..."  
>"Namely, Tom-san here."<br>Tom choked on his cigarette.  
>"Don't drag me into this, Orihara-san!"<br>"Oh? So sorry but you're already part of it. This is how it goes: Tom-san wants a piece of La Kanra – can't blame him – and of course boyfriend!Shizuo will not put up with it. The result: La Kanra explains that she only loves Shizu-chan and the love goes through the roof."  
>Shizuo blinked.<br>"Oy, I don't like you lusting after Izaya."  
>Tom face-palmed.<br>"I don't! It was just Orihara-san's scenario!"  
>"That's right. It's the scenario we're going with."<br>Tom had to protest.  
>"Count me out of this plan."<br>"It'd be romantic if you baked a giant cake and jumped out of it."  
>"Not going to happen, Shizu-chan."<br>"How about cat ears?"  
>"We could tackle the love triangle another way. Shizu-chan has a thing for Tom-san-"<br>"I really don't...!"  
>Shizuo gesticulated for emphasis.<br>"Okay, fine. Tom-san has a thing for Shizu-chan-"  
>Shizuo looked mortified.<br>"Tom-san, how could you!"  
>"Shizuo...do you realize this is still Orihara-san's fictional scenario?"<br>"Oh, right..."  
>Izaya jumped up and down, startling them both.<br>"I know! We'll get cowboy hats! Shizu-chan, try saying 'I can't quit you'!"  
>"Why?"<br>"All that 'fishing', heh."  
>"Dunno what you're going on about."<br>Tom sighed.  
>"Orihara-san, don't you think people will recognize that line? They'll realize you're faking it. Or are you faking it, I can't even tell anymore."<br>"Okay, Shizu-chan. Let's train, try saying 'I love you' at me."  
>"Ah...can't say that! It's embarrassing and we're not alone."<br>"Hello! Did you forget that we're surrounded by cameras? Tom-san is the least of your worries. Now say it and make it sound convincing."  
>"I...can't! I just can't! It ain't right, saying that kind of thing like this!"<br>"Why are you always so difficult? Can't you work with me just a tad?"  
>"Better be difficult than easy like you!"<br>"You're jealous of my life sex, so what else is new. More importantly, your awkwardness works to our favor."  
>"It does?"<br>"It does. Being all awkward and blushing is very cute and completely romantic. As long as you spit out, eventually. Then it all becomes hyper mushy."  
>"What, like you can do it. Confessing and all that."<br>Izaya humphed.  
>"Watch and learn, Shizu-chan. This is how it goes: 'Shizu-chan...about you, you see, there is something I wanted to tell you but the timing was not right. I was afraid you'd hate me and I could never live with myself! Shizu-chan...I love you!' See? Like that. Perfect, isn't it? Just the right about of hesitation and then-"<br>Shizuo cut him off with a deep kiss. Izaya clawed at him.  
>"What the hell!"<br>"I kinda got carried away with all the love talk..."


	59. Chapter 59

Izaya was not even surprised to see Shingen pop up as people were wont to do in this crazy ride.  
>"You young people do not understand true romance. True spirit of true romance is represented by a young couple torn apart by the war! He has to leave for the front leaving his lovely wife behind at dawn. They meet on the threshold and he salutes her, she tells him to take care of himself and to return safe and sound so that the three of them can be a happy family. For you see, she is carrying their first child!"<br>"And what does that have to do with anything?"  
>"It is the purest kind of romance!"<br>"I won't even bother asking where you were lurking this whole time. Since you're already here could you please offer some useful suggestions? Stress on 'useful'."  
>Izaya did not have patience for any of these shenanigans.<br>"That's so sad, poor lovely wife, this is why war is bad!"  
>"Eh...Shizu-chan, are you crying?"<br>Tom nodded.  
>"Shizuo is a sap for this kind of thing."<br>"And the baby-"  
>"Enough already! Can we please get back on track? And stop weeping!"<br>Shizuo wiped his tears away.  
>"You fucking don't have a heart! How can you not be moved by the young mother to be!"<br>"Because 1) Shingen made her up on the spot and 2) the war was ages ago. Back to lovey dovey and less tragedy."  
>"As Mariko watches her husband disappear down the roads she waves at his retreating back and lightly touches her belly-"<br>"Why are you giving your fictional characters names?"  
>"Mariko! I'll help you!"<br>Izaya turned to Tom for help.  
>"Tom-san, say something!"<br>"How about that candlelight dinner?"  
>Shizuo would hear none of it.<br>"Mariko never had a candlelight dinner with Kenji!"  
>"Say what? Wait, are you giving names to these fake people too?"<br>Shingen was on a stride.  
>"Everyday Minako stares at the sea and waits for her beloved to return!"<br>"At least use the same names!"  
>"She was left all by herself to tend the farm in Nara."<br>"Wait a sec. Nara is landlocked, just how does she stare out the sea in a landlocked prefecture!"  
>Shingen gesticulated and brought the gas mask far too close for comfort as far as Izaya was concerned.<br>"You underestimate the power of love. She obviously climbed the big Buddha statue and cast out her gaze."  
>"Okay...even assuming a pregnant lady could climb the statue- daily, even! I'm pretty sure she wouldn't see the sea- oh why do I even try."<br>As moved by this as Shizuo was he thought it needed some improvement.  
>"And the kitties are born in winter when it's snowing! Poor kitties, freezing in the cold."<br>"...Shizu-chan, what kitties? Oh god, please tell me this Mariko or Minako or whatever isn't expecting a litter of cats! How is any of this even remotely romantic? More like disturbing!"  
>"Nah, human babies are cute, I guess but kitties are better 'cuz they have soft fur and go meow. So I changed it up a bit."<br>"While Yuuichiro is away in the Pacific, Michiru climbs the Buddha statue-"  
>"Stop, stop, for heaven's sake! You changed names again! Who the hell is Yuuichiro? What happened to Kenji? Keep your stupid story, consistent, at least! Unless Yuuichiro is Kenji's gay lover and there will be some man-on-man sexing in some deserted island. That does have potential, I must admit."<br>Izaya mused. Tom camouflaged a chuckle with a cough. Shingen shook a fist at their faces.  
>"Young men, you will now listen to me."<p>

So in the end there was no actual choice. Somehow Shingen talked them (which meant basically bullying Shizuo and Izaya to the point they went along with it just to get rid of him sooner) into wearing pretty kimonos (Izaya had to wonder just where Shingen had stacked them), Izaya's pale pink and Shizuo's light blue.  
>Izaya tackled preparing a cup of Japanese green tea, the supply of Shingen's props being apparently endless. Tom took a seat watching the scene with great interest. Izaya knelt on the floor in traditional fashion, the long hair pooling around him very graciously as he grounded the stuff into fine powder.<br>Shizuo fidgeted with a cool long pipe that he could not quite smoke because he did not know how. So he settled for being very still in a stoic attitude. Meanwhile Izaya cursed the absurdity of very long and wide sleeves, they did not make his job any easier.


	60. Chapter 60

Finally he poured hot water into the mix and placed the cup at Shizuo's feet, bowing respectfully, forehead to the floor.  
>"Your tea is prepared, Shizuo-sama."<br>When it came to being in character Izaya had no qualms in straying far and out. If he could impersonate La Kanra then he could very well act as a traditional Japanese noblewoman. The same could not be said about Shizuo to whom the notion of acting was too much of an enigma. So Shizuo fumbled with the pipe and became rather flustered.  
>"Oh, right. Looks good. The tea, I mean."<br>Shizuo went to pick up the cup but Izaya was ahead and put in on Shizuo's hands.  
>"Shizuo-sama, you turn it like this."<br>Izaya exemplified. They were deviating quite a lot from the proper etiquette but Izaya hoped that would count in their favor as more romantic.  
>"Needs sugar."<br>"Shizuo-sama has such a kind heart to want to sweeten everything but this particular blend is best enjoyed without sugar."  
>"Oh, right."<br>Without a doubt Shizuo liked being addressed as '-sama'. And it was quite a thrill to have Izaya be so nice to him. Now if he could only get Izaya to do a kinky striptease dance. Shizuo drank the tea without caring much for it.  
>"Tastes good, yeah."<br>"My humble self thanks Shizuo-sama."  
>Izaya bowed to the floor again.<br>"Humble is good."  
>"Izako is most humbled to be in your presence, Shizuo-sama."<br>Shizuo was impressed. He picked up the pipe because he needed something to do.  
>"Izako! Man, that's a sweet girl's name."<br>"Thank you very much, Shizuo-sama."  
>"Yeah..."<br>"It has been many moons since we were together. The world is a brighter place now that I am reunited with Shizuo-sama."  
>"How about we get some sweets?"<br>One of Izaya's arched eyebrows twitched but his smile remained as adoring as ever.  
>"My humble self took the liberty of preparing sweet bean paste buns. I hope that they're to Shizuo-sama's liking."<br>"I was more thinking like strawberry parfait and shaved ice, Haagen Dazs is good too-"  
>Izaya leaped to his feet and jabbed a finger at Shizuo. Something that demure women from bygone days would have not at all approved of.<br>"You idiot! There was no Haagen Dazs in feudal Japan! Don't ruin the scenario I've been working on so hard at! What do you think this is, Gintama? You can't pull off a major anachronism here and expect it to fly!"  
>"No Haagen Dazs, huh...no longer they fought so much."<br>"Oh screw this. Let's scrap the ancient times setting. This is what we're going to do: we like each very much, right?"  
>"We do...? Does that mean you're ditching the kimono? Man, the kimono is even better than Haagen Dazs-"<br>"Are you sponsored by HD or something? Anyway! We like each other very much. Our love is very pure yadda yadda. That's what we're going for here. So we will only communicate via very arid emails until we achieve our dreams and goals. Until then we will not even meet. It's genius!"  
>"Huh? How does that make sense! And I don't have any dreams..."<br>"Sure you do. Your dream is to become a non-violent person. Mine is to become God. Both will take ages,"  
>"Yours is impossible..."<br>"Like I said, it'll take so long that we can go about our normal lives in Tokyo and just send text messages daily! Hell, not even daily since we are so focused on pursuing our dreams!"  
>In the background Tom blinked.<br>"Wait, this is sounding very familiar...isn't that Bakuman? With Saiko and the chick?"  
>Izaya nodded, all enthusiasm.<br>"Precisely! The beauty of it is, American audiences will not recognize it!"  
>"...the romance bit in Bakuman does not make sense, though. I mean, everyone agrees on that."<br>"Your input is not required, Tom-san."  
>Shizuo scratched his head.<br>"Never heard of this Bakuman thing,"  
>"Do you live in a cave?"<br>"But Tom-san is right, what the fuck is up with your crappy plan! It's not even a plan! Besides I've already had you ignore me and it hurt, okay? It hurt my feelings!"  
>To express this Shizuo waved the pipe most theatrically.<br>"If they did it on Bakuman we can do it too."  
>"How about you guys go back to the very normal, very obvious, candlelight dinner?"<br>Izaya humphed haughtily.  
>"Fine. But I think my suggestion was extraordinary."<p> 


	61. Chapter 61

The candlelight dinner was arranged. Shizuo looked at the entrees and sighed.  
>"Damn why can't it be strawberry parfait-"<br>"Shizu-chan? This is a fork and it goes into your eye socket if you don't shut up right now. Neh?"  
>"You're so not cute..."<br>"Happy romantic talk, remember?"  
>"Like...what?"<br>"Like...actually...now that you mention it...oh, let's go on about our feelings. That's a winner."  
>Shizuo blushed and Izaya was tempted to put the fork to its alternative use pronto.<br>"I'm not good at that kind of thing..."  
>"That's it!"<br>"What?"  
>"What makes the manly kind go all teary eyed in sappy love confession mode? Dying does!"<br>"What the fuck?"  
>"I can see it now: we are taking a romantic stroll at sundown when a wrecking balls comes hurling our way. So you push me aside and it hits you squarely. Then it explodes,"<br>"Why would a wrecking ball explode?"  
>Izaya rolled his eyes.<br>"Americans love things that go boom. Everything is better with explosions. Besides, you're supposed to die here and I don't think a normal wrecking ball would do the job."  
>"You just want to kill me, don't you!"<br>"Take heart, you won't die right away. You get a final last words speech in which you say how much you love me. I'll even let you get your blood on me, the sacrifices I am willing to-"  
>"What the, I'm the one getting sacrificed here!"<br>Izaya merely shrugged.  
>"What can I say, love is destructive. Oh, that's like Eva, maybe we can add the end of the world as we know it-"<br>"Why do I have to die! Why don't you die instead!"  
>"Because I am too sexy to die. Not to mention I'll live forever and become God."<br>"Fucking bastard!"  
>Shizuo snapped the fork he was holding.<br>"Don't take it out on cutlery now. And why do you have to be so selfish? All you have to do is die a painful and silly death so that I can be off the hook. It's common sense, really."  
>"Nothing makes any sense with you! And what the hell, I'm selfish because I won't go with your plan of killing me?"<br>"You can't deny it. Just die for me, is that too much to ask?"  
>"Of course it is!"<br>By now Shizuo's veins seemed ready to pop and thus insure that if he did not die for Izaya he would at least bleed because of Izaya. Not a pleasant prospect.  
>"Why are you always so difficult? Just work with me."<br>"That's lend me to an early grave! What's in it for me? I fucking die!"  
>"I would carry you in my heart forever and every now and then I'd gaze into the distance and smile bitter-sweetly as I say your name. You also get a rainy funeral – nothing says tragic funeral like rain – and I'll even cry over you. Also, I will wear black forever."<br>"You already dress in black as it is! And am I supposed to be happy over your creepy funeral setting?"  
>"Fine, I'll throw in some extra flowers off my pocket."<br>"That's not the point here! The point is I'd be dead!"  
>"I <em>know<em>, I'm the one who came up with the plan."  
>"No fucking way I'm dying for you! No fucking WAY!"<br>"Fine, be that way. See if I care."  
>Izaya nibbled on his food in a most disgruntled manner. Shizuo grunted and sat glowering. So much for the candlelight dinner of sweet romance. Tom took pity on them and intervened.<br>"You guys, no need to get so exalted. Orihara-san, don't forget that Shizuo saved your life more than once. He even punched a bear."  
>"Well of course he did! That's his duty as my boyfriend- I mean, inferior creatures should perish,"<br>"Ah, you just said boyfriend!"  
>Izaya flailed.<br>"I said no such thing."  
>"You totally said it!"<br>"I said no such thing."  
>"Tom-san heard it too!"<br>Tom nodded.  
>"This is all on tape, we can always check out the footage."<br>This time Izaya paled.  
>"There's no need to waste time doing that."<br>"That's cuz you know you said I'm your boyfriend!"


	62. Chapter 62

Izaya thought fast.  
>"You're so old fashioned. Everybody knows that in East 'bukuro 'boyfriend' means 'that guy I can't stand but makes a good human shield.'"<br>"You made that up!"  
>"I did not."<br>Tom intervened.  
>"So you admit you did call Shizuo your boyfriend."<br>"Not in _that_ sense."  
>"It ain't got no other sense! Ya want to date me and shit!"<br>"No I don't."  
>"You totally do!"<br>"I totally don't."  
>"Nii-chan wanted to date Orihara-san for a long time now."<br>"Kasuka, how can you say that! Actually, how are you even here?"  
>Silent as a cat or death Kasuka had somehow appeared.<br>"At times I am under the bed, at times I am in the ceiling."  
>"Oh dearie. Ceiling Kasuka watches you fuck!"<br>Shizuo picked up Izaya and shook him in the air.  
>"Don't you go using that kind of language around my kid brother, got it!"<br>"Gah..."  
>"Nii-chan, stop this violence. And why are you so surprised, Dr. Phil said I'd be around."<br>Izaya was finally put down and took some time making himself look most nonplussed despite the fact that Shizuo made a rag doll out of him.  
>"We were told you'd be dropping by once a week. Instead you've been stalking us in a way that is creepy even by stalker standards!"<br>"Eh, you weren't under the bed that other time by any chance...?"  
>"I saw it all from the ceiling. You need to improve on your endurance, nii-chan."<br>Shizuo nearly passed out. Then he launched into desperate flailing.  
>"It wasn't like that, I mean we weren't doing, you know, stuff, it was just...er, you see it really wasn't like that! Right, Izaya?"<br>"Why are you getting all worked up for? Kasuka here already knew we were getting on, so what if he saw it-"  
>"Shut up! He's lying, Kasuka! Lying like the, the, Izaya he is!"<br>"I remember when nii-chan was still in high school, how he waited every Valentine's day for chocolates from Orihara-san."  
>Izaya chuckled.<br>"It ain't funny!"  
>"I was hoping the romantic dinner would go well but I guess nii-chan is not cut out for that kind of fancy dining. You should have a nabe party instead. Orihara-san wanted a nabe party too."<br>"Not if it includes a Sasquatch."  
>Shizuo resented this.<br>"A Sas- a what? I ain't no Sas-what-you-call-it!"  
>Kasuka stared into Izaya's eyes, unblinking.<br>"I was just in East Ikebukuro the other day and 'boyfriend' still means 'boyfriend'."  
>Izaya smiled widely.<br>"How about the nabe party? Let's get it on!"  
>"You're just trying to change the subject. Nii-chan, don't fall for it."<br>"Woah, hot-pot sure is nice...and it's so cold here, too. Yeah, some nice home cooked nabe and Izaya serving it...naked..."  
>"You keep losing the plot, don't you?"<br>Shizuo remembered that Kasuka was present.  
>"Not that I want to see him naked! I mean, the wig covers pretty much everything anyway,"<br>"It's a weave, nii-chan. Not a wig."  
>"Oh. Right. Still, I'm no homo."<br>In the background Tom choked on a cigarette. Kasuka shook his head.  
>"Stupidity chooses no sexual orientation."<br>"I brought ingredients from Japan so you can start the nabe party any time."  
>Izaya had a mind to ask Kasuka just how he had managed to achieve this and how he had managed to sneak into the caravan and stayed unnoticed for who knows how long but he did not want to make an enemy out of Kasuka. Tom he could well handle but Izaya took no chances with Kasuka whose stare was considerably disturbing.<br>And the nabe party was underway. Izaya kept his clothes as well as a sharp eye on the boiling pot so that he snatched up the tastiest morsels before Shizuo even knew what was happening.  
>"Hey, there's only veggies left!"<br>"Too bad, Shizu-chan."  
>"That bit is mine!"<br>Shizuo pointed with his chopsticks at a piece of beef. Izaya picked it up and studied it carefully.  
>"I don't see your name on it."<br>"Sharing is caring, you fucking Izaya!"  
>Izaya sighed and then put on his happiest smile.<br>"Shizu-chan, I was saving all the best parts for you..."  
>"Oh, okay...you didn't have to go that extent...but thanks. We'll share."<br>Even more in the background Tom commented,  
>"They sure do eat a lot."<br>"It's because they burn so many calories having crazy sex."  
>"Ah..."<p> 


	63. Chapter 63

"Tom-san, it must have been very difficult being the straight man all this time.  
>"It wasn't easy, that's for sure. I still don't get the talk about Korea."<br>Meanwhile dinner was winding down and the subject of dessert about to be introduced. Shizuo had an idea.  
>"You know, about that cake... I guess it's too difficult for you to bake it,"<br>"Excuse me? Nothing is too difficult for me. I, Orihara Izaya, La Kanra, will take on this challenge of baking you the most delicious cake you ever tasted."  
>"Which one is it, Izaya or La Kanra..."<br>"Shut up, you're messing with my concentration."  
>And just like that Izaya settled to baking a gigantic chocolate cake with intricate decoration and all. As to how all the ingredients were available was anyone's guess, Izaya's being that Martha Stewart was somehow involved.<br>"Behold! Cake. It isn't even a lie."  
>"Woah, looks so good!"<br>Shizuo was about to scoop some of the frosting but Izaya simply slapped his hand, hard.  
>"Get your filthy paws off the cake."<br>"Hey, that hurt..."  
>"Shizu-chan, aren't you missing something?"<br>"Oh...you drew stuff on the cake, with cream!"  
>"Not just 'stuff'. [愛], 'Ai', 'love'. Do you know how many strokes the kanji contains?"<br>"Many...?"  
>"Thirteen, Shizu-chan. Thirteen. And if I can point your attention to the top layer, that's your name. Also piped in cream. Now that takes talent if I can say myself."<br>Shizuo was close to tearing up.  
>"That's so nice of you, like, now you can get inside the cake and jump out-"<br>"No. I already cooked you an extraordinary cake, I'm not going to ruin it by acting like some stripper for hire. La Kanra is quality, she isn't a slut."  
>"Oh, okay..."<br>"Besides, I baked the cake just for you so you better be thankful instead of moping just because I'm not up to your sick fantasies."  
>"It'd be hot..."<br>Kasuka walked up to them.  
>"Aren't you happy, nii-chan? Orihara-san finally made you some sweet stuff. He even piped nii-chan's name."<br>"Yeah... that was so nice of him..."  
>Izaya chimed in.<br>"And in kanji, mind you. I could've piped romanji but that's the easy route and lacks artistry. As Japanese people we must use kanji. Neh?"  
>"Yeah, kanji..."<br>Truth be told, Shizuo avoided using kanji whenever possible.  
>"And nii-chan this is so much better than cookies, it's a whole cake."<br>Shizuo did tear up now much to Izaya's horror.  
>"Oy, oy why are you getting all mushy on me now!"<br>"Cuz you're always such a jerk when you act nice, it like, moves me."  
>"Oh dearie. Anyway, cake for you. Isn't it <em>romantic<em>?"  
>Izaya batted his eyelashes comically and fully meant it as a joke. Unfortunately Kasuka was around.<br>"It really is romantic, Orihara-san. And it has international appeal."  
>"I ain't no homo but if I was, I'd date you."<br>"Shut up and eat the damn cake already!"  
>"You got some cream on your fingers."<br>And Shizuo saw fit to lick it off. Izaya glared, grabbed a handful of cake and stuffed Shizuo's mouth with it.  
>"Eat the delicious heavenly cake that yours truly baked with so much love."<br>"Mph- sweet. You try some."  
>That Shizuo had a hair trigger temper was of course nothing new but he did not seem in the mood rage at the moment. Izaya wrinkled his nose.<br>"I don't care for sweet stuffs."  
>"See, nii-chan. Orihara-san did not even like cake, that's dedication right there."<br>"Oh, right. Thanks a bunch, Izaya. I don't know what to say,"  
>"Then don't say anything and eat up the cake."<br>"Yeah...chocolate and cream is yummy."  
>Kasuka joined Tom in the background. And Tom had to ask.<br>"So...are they pretending to be a lovey dovey couple or are they a lovey dovey couple...?"  
>"It's both, Tom-san."<br>Izaya busied himself wiping Shizuo's chocolate covered mouth.  
>"You're such a little kid, getting dirty like this."<br>"That's your fault..."  
>"Shut up. I feel like I have to train you so that you'll become more or less human."<br>"Woah, cake icing is amazing."  
>"That's it! I'll tame you through sweets. Was that how you managed to keep him in check, Tom-san?"<br>Tom never got to answer because Shizuo tucked Izaya under an arm.  
>"We gotta go now... talk about Kasuka's Christmas gift so you can't peek! Gotta be a surprise."<br>"What the- let go of me already! Oy! Shizu-chan!"


	64. Chapter 64

But Shizuo paid no heed. Tom watched in surprise as they disappeared down the corridor toward the bedroom that just so happened to be a room with a bed.  
>"I understand them less and less as time goes on..."<br>"Orihara-san forgot something basic. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac."  
>"Right..."<br>"Unless he did on purpose as reverse seduction."  
>"What is that and do I even want to know..."<br>"Finally I can tell our parents that nii-chan is settling down."  
>"I guess they are good for each other, since they're both so crazy. By the way, I've been wondering... the show is heavily edited, right? But is it already airing or what? Because if it is then I can't help but wonder why they bother doing whatever they're doing."<br>"That is one of the great mysteries of life, Tom-san."

"Okay why are we here now? Shizu-chan!"  
>Shizuo deposited Izaya on bed very carefully as if Izaya's sudden bout of cuteness meant that he was fragile.<br>"Cake was real good so I thought that doing you would be even better-"  
>"No way. What is wrong with you! Hello, did you forget the cameras?"<br>"Ah! The cameras! Damn."  
>"Honestly, can anyone be this forgetful,"<br>"I know!"  
>Shizuo opened the closet and emptied it.<br>"What are you doing? Those are my clothes!"  
>"Making room."<br>"Making room...? You can't be serious!"  
>Shizuo smiled broadly.<br>"No cameras in the closet."  
>"I've had sex in many different places but a closet is new."<br>"Gotta try new things,"  
>"Er, no."<br>"It's okay, you'll be all moany and cute in no time."  
>"Shizu-chan, aren't you forgetting something? Namely, there is no light in the closet."<br>"Course there is, when I open the door the light turns on... oh, but it goes off when I close the door!"  
>Izaya clapped once, loudly.<br>"My, it only took you eternity and a day to figure that out!"  
>Shizuo was not about the deterred by something like poor illumination. Before he could get around to doing anything Dr. Phil stepped from inside the closet much to his surprise. Izaya was no longer shocked since he expected such unlikely and sudden appearances to happen.<br>"M'kay, this won't do. No hanky panky. You boys just crossed the state border and that kind of thing is illegal here."  
>"Oh great, just great."<br>Shizuo frowned. All this talking in foreign languages (to Shizuo there was no great distinction between English and, say, Turkish) was taking its toll on him. Relying on translations could get very trying and Shizuo had reached the point in which interpreting things based on how he saw things had become almost the default position. And he could think of no reason for a guy to step out of the closet, carrying some bizarre outfits that he now noticed, just when Shizuo was about to get it on with Izaya. No reason but one, that is, and he proceeded to share it.  
>"Now you, Doctor Baldie, you can't just walk in on us like that, trying to steal Izaya from me, I won't have it! Sure he's got a great ass and stuff but you can't have him. Cuz, like, he baked a cake just for me with kanji and kanji is real, real, difficult."<br>Izaya face-palmed.  
>"Will you read the mood already! No way he wants <em>that!<em>! Sure, so what if most moralizing buffoons are perverts at heart, there are exceptions to the rule."  
>"You think?"<br>"Yes. Yes, I think. God, you can be clueless."  
>"So what does he want?"<br>"We can't have sex. It's illegal."  
>"What the fuck?"<br>"You know, your 'wtf' reaction would make for amazing comedy."  
>Shizuo was not amused. To put it mildly.<br>"How can it not be legal! What is it to these people if we do it or not! Doesn't matter, you're a shady person, it's not like you care about laws or rules. Back to getting you naked,"  
>Izaya wagged his index finger in front of Shizuo's face.<br>"Not so fast. I am a law abiding citizen, you will not find as much as fine on my record and I get along with the police just fine. Unlike some people I know, I name no names."  
>"But it's a stupid law..."<br>"So is article 9 if you think about it. Anyway, that's how it is. I am not too familiar with this country's legislation, I only have an overall knowledge that does not even begin to cover state laws and how they variate. So I am not taking any chances."


	65. Chapter 65

Shizuo had no idea as to what article 9 might be and he did not care to learn about it.  
>"But it don't make no sense!"<br>"Your hold on grammar is becoming even more slippery than usual."  
>"The gays can get married here, as in like guys marrying other guys - I dunno if that's totally wrong but it kinda is, I mean - and then you say they can't have sex! This country makes no sense!"<br>Izaya sighed and tossed his hair over a shoulder, a gesture he had mastered so as to convey girlish annoyance.  
>"That was a different state. You do realize there is a reason why it is called 'United States of America'? Each state has a lot of legislative freedom."<br>Shizuo was not convinced.  
>"Oh yeah? What about the 'United' part! You tell me, Miss I-Know-Everything!"<br>"That would be Mister-Know-Everything. Get my gender right."  
>"Like I give a shit, if you're a chick or a guy I just want to fuck you- I mean- er."<br>Izaya rolled his eyes most emphatically. Dr. Phil stepped in.  
>"M'kay, you boys should be very glad I warned you."<br>"Thanks a bunch, wouldn't want to get sprayed with pepper spray just because Shizu-chan here can't keep it in his pants. The things I put up with, honestly."  
>"Anyway, here. Clothes for the Christmas event we're hosting."<br>Dr. Phil handed them the costumes he had been carrying, a brown one to Shizuo and a skimpy red number for Izaya, fringed with fluffy white fur.  
>"What is this, hot shorts, Christmas edition?"<br>"That's right."  
>Izaya turned the garments over.<br>"These shorts sure are short."  
>"Your boyfriend's a reindeer costume."<br>Izaya laughed then frowned.  
>"He's not my boyfriend."<br>"Took a while to deny it, huh."  
>"What-ever. So, now what? Where's this event taking place?"<br>"At a rodeo. Good old American rodeo."  
>Shizuo mumbled something as he spotted the antlers. Izaya's new attire elicited a greater reaction of outrage.<br>"What, you gonna wear that? I won't have you walking around dressed as a whore!"  
>"I think you should be more worried about your outfit. You're a reindeer now."<br>"That's okay cuz I like Chopper. He's like, my favorite character in One Piece."  
>"Oh my, suddenly it all makes sense! You must be a Zoan type yourself! So that's why so monstrous."<br>"Shut up don't you badmouth Tony Tony Chopper!"  
>"I was insulting you, actually."<br>"Oh. That's okay, nothing new there."  
>Izaya blinked then coughed.<br>"Anyway, we have to get ready to this rodeo thing. It won't be good, I bet but it's better than being stuck in this caravan. I am getting sick and tired of this and may develop cabin fever."  
>"Ro...deo? What's that."<br>"You know, the American thing with the bulls and riding. Crazy stuff but very popular."  
>A few cogs moved in Shizuo's mind. At first slowly then picking up speed.<br>"Riding- bulls- and stuff! That's just _sick_! And they're fine with that? But I can't do stuff with my boyfriend? This country is fucked up big time! How can it be!"  
>"Er, Shizu-chan? I don't know what your filthy mind is conjuring but it's most definitely wrong."<br>"Damn right it's wrong! Oy doctor, are you okay with people doing this kind of thing?"  
>"Shizu-<em>chan<em>? It's not that kind of riding. Obviously. You really must be a Zoan type to see bestiality in this."  
>Shizuo was already blushing deeply but his blush deepened even more now.<br>"I just thought it was, you know...that."  
>"Let us forget we ever had this conversation. Put on your nifty Chopper suit and pretend it's cosplay."<br>"'kay, I guess... I'm used to mascot suits."

Izaya was happy to learn that his costume included some killer knee length boots that he lost no time putting on. He even adjusted the bright red santa hat and happily took his seat at a raised platform right next to Shizuo now in reindeer gear. They watched the rodeo from a vantage point with growing perplexity on Shizuo's part.  
>"I don't get it, why are they jumping on the bull like that?"<br>"Who knows. Why don't you show them how it's done and stop it with your bare hands? Shizuo versus bull. I bet you'll win."  
>Izaya batted his eyelashes. He meant it as a joke but Shizuo failed to notice and without further ado stepped into the arena himself and picked up bull, rider astride and all, and tossed them into the horizon where they disappeared in a twinkle.<p> 


	66. Chapter 66

Izaya was quick to react even as everyone else was too stunned.  
>"Amazing, isn't it? That's Shizuo, the world's strongest man! And I am his agent. I'll be answering your queries in case you want to book him as an attraction. We can discuss our fee presently."<br>Tom blinked.  
>"Orihara-san, what are you doing?"<br>"Cashing in on Shizu-chan's strength, what else?"  
>As for Shizuo, he was just confused as a bunch of people cheered him and gathered around him like a mob. In the confusion he lost track of Izaya. By the time he managed to disentangle himself he was cornered by four very loud girls talking nonstop in strange languages he did not understand and apparently keen on feeling his muscles. A nightmarish situation all around and Shizuo was just about to lose it when in waltzed Izaya.<br>"What do you sluts think you're doing? That piece of man meat is already owned by me so keep your hands off. He may be less than bright but that's my man you're handling there so you better walk away before I go Pearl Harbor on you. Neh?"  
>Izaya smiled his very sweet borderline disturbing smile and indeed the girls retreated, sensing they were dealing with someone way above their league. Shizuo would have been left in the dark by this exchange, as Izaya planned, but Kasuka had sneaked up on them (being very silent when required) and translated for his brother.<br>"Aw, thanks a bunch, Izaya. Saying I'm your man-"  
>"Whatever. More importantly, why are you being bullied by a handful of chicks?"<br>"They were kinda scary. With all the makeup and talking all weird."  
>Shizuo was in fact very touched by Izaya's sudden bout of possessiveness.<br>"You talk about hoes this and then hoes that, then some actual hoes appear and you're afraid of them?"  
>"'Cuz they talked all strange,"<br>"Moving on, I got us a special deal: they'll pay ten thousand dollars for you to do that bull throwing act again."  
>"Really?"<br>"Oh yes. I don't get it either but it just goes to show there is a sucker born all the time. And I got you this, they have all sorts of props for the rodeo clowns."  
>Izaya handed Shizuo a plastic blue nose.<br>"Just like Chopper!"  
>"That's the gist of it. I couldn't get you the pink hat, just be glad-"<br>"Man, when you act all nice I don't know what to do..."  
>Kasuka had some reassuring advice.<br>"It's okay, nii-chan. Just be your usual self without the crazy violence."  
>"Yeah... I guess that's the way to go."<br>Izaya was having none of this heartfelt talk.  
>"I booked you from three to five, there are a lot of bulls out there and you'll be tossing them all."<br>But before Izaya could get to use Shizuo as a gold mine Dr. Phil popped out as he was wont to do.  
>"Not so fast, m'kay. It's been a long time since we had a proper show. We have a lot of catching up to do, to see what's going on with you boys."<br>"Fine but this better not last too long, Shizu-chan here has things to do and money to earn. For me, that is."  
>Dr. Phil arranged an open air studio complete with an audience and those high chairs on top of which he perched in sheer defiance of the laws of physics, namely gravity.<br>"Now, you two, what do you normally do for Christmas?"  
>Izaya shrugged.<br>"I don't pay much attention to it. But it's fun watching people scrambling for last hour gifts."  
>"Tom-san invites me for noodles, since Kasuka is usually busy."<br>Dr. Phil nodded knowingly.  
>"So you're both pretty lonely, huh?"<br>Tom said nothing but apparently Dr. Phil did not take him into consideration much.  
>"New Years is probably more important back home. Isn't that right, Shizu-chan? I go to the local temple and have a lot of fun with the bell tolling and all that."<br>"Yeah but I don't get to celebrate it much. People receive New Years money and that's the best time to get them to pay their debts. It's a bit lonely."  
>Dr. Phil slapped his knee.<br>"No need to worry about that this year."  
>"So we'll be staying around at least until New Years... just when are we going back to Tokyo?"<br>"Can't collect debts here, yeah."  
>Dr. Phil made some grandiose gesture that had Izaya wondering if this time around the gesticulation would topple the precarious balance. But Dr. Phil did not fall.<br>"What do you boys think it's the real meaning of Christmas?"


	67. Chapter 67

"Gifts."  
>"Yeah, I guess it's got to be the gifts-"<br>"That's just plain wrong, y'all. The meaning of Christmas is spending time with your loved ones. So it's a good thing you're together this time around. And more, now you get to share it with America and the world through Facebook."  
>Izaya nearly jumped off the very comfy peach colored sofa.<br>"Please tell me you're joking."  
>Dr. Phil did a sudden twist with his whole very large body to focus on another camera because such changes in angle always got the audience to perk up least ADD got the best of his many loyal viewers.<br>"You can find them on Facebook at 'Relationship Rescue' to get extra footage about Shizuo and Izaya."  
>"Extra footage...? I never heard anything about this!"<br>"It's the contract. It's there, m'kay? It just is."  
>"Where is it in the contract!"<br>"'We reserve the right to propagate information as we see fit'. That means Facebook and other platforms of the sort. You should know all about this kind of stuff, aren't you an informant?"  
>Izaya narrowed his eyes. The idea was to look menacing but the Christmas clothing made it bizarre.<br>"Humpty Dumpty ended up taking a big fall, you know."  
>"Are you threatening me?"<br>"Just forget it. This isn't live, right?"  
>Dr. Phil chuckled.<br>"Can't edit live shows."  
>"So this Facebook thing isn't up yet?"<br>"It will be by the time the show airs, you can count on it. Now have some eggnog."  
>"No eggnog for Shizu-chan, I don't trust him around alcohol and he has a job to do."<br>Dr. Phil chuckled again in that way that never failed to annoy Izaya to no end.  
>"Speaking like a caring wife already, huh."<p>

"That's the spirit, Shizu-chan! Keep that up and merry Christmas, y'all! Toss them across the Mason-Dixon line, wherever that may be."  
>Izaya beamed from the top row from which he had a wonderful view of Shizuo's bull throwing antics. In his red and white outfit and knee high boots he was quite a sight especially since he bounced most enthusiastically like a strange Christmas themed cheerleader.<br>Tom was greatly confused.  
>"Orihara-san, aren't you afraid of walking around in that attire? I don't think this crowd is into traps..."<br>"Don't be silly, Tom-san. First of all, I am perfect a trap for anyone to possibly think I'm a guy. And second, there is nothing to be afraid of when I have Shizu-chan to protect me."  
>"Ah..."<br>Izaya jumped to his feet and daintily hopped over to the fence, towel and refreshments in hand. Shizuo had just finished the final round of toss the bull.  
>"Great job, Shizu-chan! You must be tired."<br>"Not really... I mean, yeah, very tired."  
>Shizuo changed his tune in the hopes of eliciting Izaya's pity and indeed Izaya was vigorously toweling Shizuo's hair.<br>"You haven't even broken a sweat. What a freak of nature. By the way, couldn't find any tea at all so this is just plain water."  
>"That's okay. No strawberry milk either?"<br>"I'm afraid not. You'd think they'd have some considering how many cows they have. Maybe I can get you plain milk."  
>"Nah, it's okay."<br>Shizuo smiled all flustered and awkward. Tom hardly believed what he was seeing.  
>"Orihara-san, how are you splitting the money?"<br>Izaya glared at Tom very sharply.  
>"I am the brains behind the operation so I deserve to receive all the profit."<br>"Are you sure about this, Shizuo?"  
>"Well, I guess it's okay. It was his idea... and those shorts are really short, I mean cover up already!"<br>Izaya crossed his legs.  
>"You know, it makes perfect sense for you to dress up as a reindeer. Since you're an idiot. Might as well make it official. Even better if you were half horse."<br>This left Shizuo blinking in confusion. Kasuka came to the rescue, once again proving that his stealth skills were not to be underestimated.  
>"Orihara-san, puns based around kanji will fall flat on American audience. How are they to know that 'idiot' [baka] is written with the kanji for 'horse' and 'reindeer'? I understand that your humor is weird at best but at least make the effort of thinking about the English speaking public."<br>For once Shizuo did not agree with his little brother.  
>"Nah, his jokes are bad but we're tired of all this talking in weird languages, it's just unnatural. If they don't get kanji puns tough luck."<br>"But nii-chan, you didn't get it either."


	68. Chapter 68

"That's just Izaya's idea of a joke, even when you get it it's still pretty weird."  
>Izaya rolled his eyes.<br>"I don't know what you're going on about, I am funny."  
>"What's that... what's it called, 'Facebook' they were talking about?"<br>"You really do live under a rock."  
>"Dunno what it is if you don't tell me..."<br>"Fine. Now pay attention as I dislike repeating myself. Once upon a time stalking was only carried out by a handful of experts. It demanded dedication to follow one's quarry, dedication to endure long stretches of fruitless waiting not to mention the resources involved both money and time-wise. Only an elite could do all this along with taping telephone calls, installing bugs, probing acquaintances for bits of info. Then Facebook came along and everyone could do it."  
>"Ah..."<br>"You see, there was no longer the need to actually make an effort to stalk someone as people laid it out online for anyone to find out. Those privacy settings are kid's play, too, so easy to circumvent. I miss the good old days when stalking was serious business. Nowadays people do the work for the stalkers, it's no longer fun."  
>"That's creepy."<br>"You tell me. Just our luck, it's not just the stupid show we have to worry about or the porn video being uploaded online. Now there is also Facebook so that rabid soccer moms can keep track of us 24/7."  
>Before the mood became more depressing Kasuka perched himself on a bench above them and placed a mistletoe directly over their heads.<br>"It's a tradition to kiss under the mistletoe. To do otherwise would disrespect the country's ways."  
>"As if we cared. Right, Shizu-chan?"<br>Shizuo removed the silly blue nose with great gravity.  
>"Must respect the traditions."<br>Izaya had a protest all readied up because he was Izaya but Shizuo undercut it by paying tribute to tradition by kissing him. And not just a peck either, Shizuo opted for a deep kiss that surprised Izaya not so much in itself because of the level of skill.  
>"You're getting better at this."<br>"Oh, thanks."  
>Bashful Shizuo could be most amusing. A bunch of cowboys hooted and whistled and a few congratulated Shizuo on his hot girlfriend. Needless to say Shizuo was just confused.<br>"What was that all about?"  
>"No need to worry, Shizu-chan. My trap cover fools everyone and it even works with people already suspicious of traps, let alone folks like these."<br>"Yeah..."  
>Kasuka intervened.<br>"It's not just that Orihara-san looks so much like a girl. You come across as most definitely a happy couple. People can feel the love between you two."  
>"Gee. As if. But that's good, we're angling for just that kind of atmosphere."<br>Kasuka nodded.  
>"I should start using Orihara-san's given name since we're almost family. Maybe even 'Izaya-nii'."<br>"No need to go that far. But I'm fine with 'Izaya'. Since I like you and all."  
>Shizuo started and grew glum. Izaya failed to notice it because he was too busy combing his long hair. But he must have noticed Shizuo's unusual silence.<br>"Shiz-chan, I am a Christmas elf and you are a reindeer. It follows that you have yet to do your duty. Namely, allow me to sit most comfortably on your back and use you to go from point A to point B."  
>"What, you want a piggyback ride?"<br>"Indeed. I'm a bit tired."  
>"Ah... I guess it's getting kinda late."<br>"And watching you toss all those bulls all the way to Mexico was very tiring."  
>Without further ado Izaya latched unto Shizuo's very broad back with great ease.<br>"Where are we going?"  
>"Caramel apple stand."<br>Izaya bought a bunch of these and offered them to Shizuo, of course using the money Shizuo himself had earned which made the offer less than generous. Shizuo remained rather worried. He did not care for Izaya's claim to liking Kasuka and it did not cross his mind that Izaya had already even forgotten all about it. Shizuo now believed himself to be in a complicated situation.  
>"Don't you get sugar headaches from eating these? Oy, Shizu-chan? Shi-zu-chan?"<br>"Oh, you said something?"  
>Izaya humphed.<br>"I was talking to you and was being patently ignored."  
>"Sorry, been a long day."<br>"I suppose."  
>"I was almost forgetting, be right back."<p> 


	69. Chapter 69

Izaya skipped away, leaving Shizuo by himself to brood. But not for long. Soon enough Izaya returned with a tray.  
>"Are those cookies?"<br>"Such an astute observation, Shizu-chan. Now hurry and help me carry these before they get too cold."  
>Shizuo took the tray and blinked in surprised at it.<br>"Are these for me?"  
>"You really can be too thick for words. Of course it is. Do I look like I am into hat shaped cookies? I made these so you better eat every last one of them."<br>"Chocolate, nice. But why...?"  
>"Because it's Christmas, that's why! Never mind what silly Americans say everyone knows that Christmas has nothing to do with 'loved ones', that's just lip service. It's all about gifts so here's yours. I couldn't find anything worth buying around here so you'll have to do with handmade cookies."<br>"Thanks a bunch...but I feel bad, I didn't get you anything..."  
>Izaya shrugged flippantly enough.<br>"Feel free to feel ever so guilty, that's always fun."  
>Shizuo studied a cookie with great care.<br>"It's Chopper's hat!"  
>"Chopper himself was impossible to carve. And I had to borrow the oven."<br>"Man, that was so sweet of you..."  
>Izaya chuckled and his eyes sparkled with a most definitely bemused glint.<br>"If only these idiots knew. We have made history, you know. With the very first gay kiss at a rodeo! I bet it had never happened before. Of course these 'folk' were unaware otherwise they would have lynched me already."  
>Shizuo glared at the crowd, fixing in no one in particular but in an all encompassing way that mirrored Izaya's self proclaimed love for all people except in this case it was extremely hostile in content.<br>"Let them try, I'll kill them all if they as much as look at you funny."  
>"Now that's a tad too extreme."<br>"It's my duty to protect you."  
>And apparently Shizuo was warming up to the idea. Izaya shook his head.<br>"Now look here, Shizu-chan. That's all fine and dandy and indeed true but I am not a frail maiden in need of constant protection."  
>"Yeah, you're more like a real perv. And you look all weak but when you hit it me it hurts a lot."<br>"I greatly resent that."  
>"Ah...so these folks don't like gays?"<br>"To put it mildly."  
>"I thought Americans were all for the gay..."<br>"That's because you're ignorant."  
>"Yeah..."<br>Shizuo's mind wandered. Izaya crossed a leg over the other and embarked on a complicated sociological discussion on the factors behind the prevalent attitudes toward homosexuality. As it happened very often he grew infatuated with his own intellect and voice and missed out the fact that Shizuo was not actually listening and that even if Shizuo had been paying his utmost attention, it would have amounted to just white noise to him.  
>"And that is why, Shizu-chan? Oy, Shi-zu-chan? Are you even listening?"<br>"Oh yeah. Totally."  
>Izaya sighed.<br>"You didn't understand a thing I just said, did you?"  
>At this point they were interrupted by a random cowboy.<br>"Chucks, I guess women are the same all over the world, always talkin'! No offense, m'am."  
>Izaya granted the fellow a very tight lipped smile.<br>"None taken."  
>"Say, we have this room if you guys want to use...you know, so you can be all to yourself. You know what I mean."<br>The man winked. Shizuo of course did not get this exchange at all but he remembered Izaya's talk enough to get up in a most menacing way. Izaya gestured him to stay put.  
>"Why, thank you very much! I believe we'll take you on that. Indeed I do."<br>Izaya translated. Shizuo's eyes widened comically.  
>"Are you serious...?"<br>"Indeed! It's right this way, see?"  
>The man lead them to a nice room above some stables and then was smart enough to leave.<br>"Woah! This is like...serious."  
>Izaya laughed and bounced in bed.<br>"It is the ultimate trolling ever! Ever! So happy right now!"  
>Izaya was so ecstatic in having fooled die-hard cowboys into providing him a room for a raunchy sex-escapade with a guy that he did not notice Shizuo going into the adjacent bathroom for a quick shower. Since he was rolling in the mattress with his eyes shut and cackling wildly it was to be expected. So he was taken completely by surprise when Shizuo pounced.<br>"What the fuck!"  
>Shizuo pinned him down very easily. Still damp from the shower, a mere towel around his waist. Izaya tried to squirm away but not convincingly.<br>"It ain't trolling if you don't have sex."


	70. Chapter 70

"That's just an excuse for you to get laid- you'll leave a mark!"  
>Shizuo was in process of sucking on Izaya's neck.<br>"Yeah, that's kinda the point. No cameras here."  
>"Did you forget the law?"<br>"Law...?"  
>Shizuo had indeed forgotten all about it.<br>"The law, the law! We can't do this, it's illegal."  
>Shizuo blinked and looked around and then went back to leaving a hickey.<br>"Don't see no-one."  
>Izaya collected himself. He clearly could not talk himself out of this and he was not even entirely sure he wanted to either. Shizuo had picked up a thing or two along the way.<br>"Hmm... condom's in the back pocket, lube too."  
>It was rare for Shizuo to smirk. He did so now and it was a turn on.<br>"Guess you're all prepared, huh."  
>"Why, of course."<br>Shizuo removed the Christmas top from Izaya.  
>"I seriously hope you weren't thinking of fooling around with those guys."<br>"Oh? Shizu-chan, can it be that you're jealous?"  
>"Damn right."<br>Shizuo searched the flimsy shorts, taking the opportunity for groping Izaya's ass.  
>"Ah, it's a sin to be this hot."<br>"Good thing I got you to run so much, made your ass firm and nice."  
>Izaya burst out laughing.<br>"Your sex talk is still as bad as ever!"  
>"Not good at talking."<br>Shizuo was more interested in licking Izaya's nipples, nibbling one and then the other. As much as Izaya enjoyed being pampered, he did not care for being the passive party. He undid the towel that was already sliding off.  
>"This is different, the top gets naked first. Yay."<br>"Yeah, naked..."  
>"Last time I thought you were going to keep your clothes."<br>Shizuo did away with the shorts and underwear. He stepped back to better enjoy the sight. Izaya found it amusing and crossed his arms over his chest in a mock coy attitude.  
>"Kya, you're staring at me too much!"<br>"Woah, that's real hot."  
>Izaya was ready to relish in self praise but Shizuo kissed him, covering Izaya's mouth with his until Izaya was breathless and his lips swollen.<br>"You really are getting better at this..."  
>Shizuo poked Izaya's bellybutton. Izaya was not at all expecting it so he jolted.<br>"Heh, this is fun."  
>"Oy, Shizu-chan... where do you think you're touching? You better do it properly."<br>Shizuo caressed the smooth flat belly, going down until he was rubbing Izaya's budding erection. Izaya thrusted his hips upwards to encourage Shizuo's touch.  
>"Real slutty."<br>Izaya was annoyed, he rolled on his belly and humphed.  
>"If you're going to be useless then I might as well- oh...!"<br>Shizuo had firmly planted his hands on Izaya's ass and was now squeezing. To better see Izaya's slim back Shizuo had to place the long smooth hair over one of the shoulders.  
>He parted the buttocks, lubbed a finger that he pried into the puckered hole. Izaya moaned and spread his legs.<br>"And you say you're not a slut."  
>"And you say you're not gay."<br>Shizuo muttered something that Izaya did not catch not did he bother asking. Why care about such things when Shizuo was probing and widening him. Izaya relished in a warm tide of pleasure that was like a steady buzz in which he floated.  
>But Shizuo was getting impatient. He tried to unwrap the condom with just one hand, failed, then used his teeth and shredded it completely.<br>"Shit,"  
>"Shizu-chan, ruining the condom is not good. I hope you realize that~"<br>Izaya felt too good to get angry. Shizuo squeezed his by now very sensitive dick in the cleft between Izaya's pert buttocks and leaned over to nibble an ear. Izaya could feel the warmth of Shizuo's body enveloping him.  
>Shizuo smeared pre-cum to make Izaya's ass shiny. He winced as he applied cold lube to his heated hard flesh. Izaya began to hump the bed covers, Shizuo put an end to it by grabbing his hips and getting him on his hands and knees.<br>"Don't go doing that, it ain't fair."  
>"So sorry, Shizu-chan!"<br>Izaya giggled. Shizuo applied the remaining lube to Izaya's tight hole. Izaya moaned and shivered as he felt the tip of Shizuo's erection pressed against his entrance, gasping as he was filled to the brim. Even Izaya needed some time to adjust to this but he remained as snarky as ever.  
>"Now this is the kind of rodeo I'm into! Sexy times galore!"<br>"Ah..."


	71. Chapter 71

Shizuo took a hold of Izaya's slim hips. Izaya shuddered with pleasure as Shizuo began to move, in and out, picking up something of a rhythm along the way. Izaya fully cooperated by matching the regular motion of Shizuo's strong body with a pendulous motion of his own.  
>Izaya dug his toes into the mattress as Shizuo pounded faster and harder into him. Moans escaped between parted lips that he licked into a shiny gloss. Momentum carried him forward, Shizuo picking up speed with each thrust, Izaya went with the flow and dropped low so that his ass stuck in the air.<br>Shizuo was about to lose on grip on anything other than the thrill of thrusting into almost unbearably delicious tightness but he could still notice the sight of Izaya's ass looking even rounder, a big dick ramming into it.  
>"Woah...nice..."<br>"Less talk, more fucking."  
>Shizuo had no objections. He groaned wordlessly and plunged straight ahead. Izaya shifted slightly. It was enough, suddenly Shizuo was hitting just the right spot. Izaya rolled his eyes and half collapsed. Shizuo easily supported him.<br>Heavy panting filled the air. Shizuo was very close but Izaya was already coming. He arched his back, long hair spilling all over, letting it all tide him over into ecstasy. Shizuo followed close and pinned him down while spurting his hot load deep into increased pressure. Shizuo withdrew almost regretfully but it all worth it, Izaya's hole seeping semen was something Shizuo would never grow tired of. Meanwhile Izaya was rolling around in bed, lazy and content.  
>"They see me rolling, they hatin', heh."<br>"What's that supposed to mean?"  
>Izaya stretched, smiled languidly and batted his eyes. He was about to mock Shizuo in a most affectionately manner because he was in such a good mood in his afterglow. Then he noticed his hair was sticky. All of a sudden he was no longer sleepy or indulgent toward Shizuo.<br>"There's stuff in my hair! Shit, do you know how hard it is to wash it off?"  
>Shizuo had no idea.<br>"I thought it wasn't real hair,"  
>"That's beside the point! This is just gross, ew!"<br>"That is your stuff!"  
>"As if that made a difference! Then again, maybe. Your stuff is almost solid."<br>Izaya busied himself cleaning his very wet ass but the hair needed more than that.  
>"Why are you bitching, you're the one rolling on that shit!"<br>"I need a shower. Shizu-chan, come."  
>"Why?"<br>"How do you expect me to wash my hair alone? It gets heavy, remember?"  
>"Yeah, forgot you're real weak."<br>"Hurry up before it dries! Then it will never come off!"  
>It was very telling of Dr. Phil's agenda that Shizuo was not too bothered washing the absurdly long weave.<p>

"Merry Christmas! Everyone gets a free spa treatment, yay!"  
>Izaya smiled beautifully and pranced about in his Christmas top and skimpy shorts. It was Dr. Phil's special event and Izaya obliged by delivering the spa packs to gruff men who did not exactly know what a spa was but sure had an eyeful of Izaya's curves for they knew a hot girl when they saw one. They were not the only ones to be a bit puzzled.<br>"What's a spa?"  
>"Ask Tom-san, Shizu-chan. I am too busy being fabulous."<br>Izaya struck a conversation with a farmer who ranted at length. Izaya made shocked expressions and looked most appalled in a pretty kind of way. In the end he wished the fellow Merry Christmas and smiled his warmest non-troll smile.  
>"What are you talking about with that guy?"<br>"He was telling me about how aliens made crop circles on his fields, then kidnapped him and applied the good ole anal probe-"  
>"You don't have to make fun of me! Just cuz I don't understand English, it's fucking mean to make fun of me!"<br>"Say what?"  
>"Like anyone believes in aliens and in anal probes and shit!"<br>Izaya raised an eyebrow most critically.  
>"I'll have you know that plenty of people believe in all that and more. Then there are the reptilians, that's a whole new level of crazy."<br>"For real?"  
>Shizuo was still suspicious.<br>"Yes."  
>"Man, the anal probes... that is..."<br>Shizuo mused thoughtfully about this unlikely contraption that he could not help but try to envision.  
>"You're getting fixated on the whole anal probe thing. Do not ask me how they work because I don't know."<p> 


	72. Chapter 72

"I guess anal probes do some probing... gay aliens?"  
>"Aliens with a horrible taste, at any rate. Why would anyone travel through space to anal probe dirty, ugly, crazy hicks out in the middle of nowhere?"<br>"Yeah... it'd rather anal probe someone hot like you."  
>Izaya glared disgustedly.<br>"Why don't you go and anal probe yourself, sicko."  
>By now Shizuo quite enjoyed this back and forth banter.<br>"Even when you look like a lady you still talk like a whore! And I still don't approve of those shorts."  
>"What, I need your seal of approval now? It's like you're stuck in the 19th century."<br>"Dunno about that but it ain't right, there's such a thing of decency."  
>Izaya ignored the tirade.<br>"Anyway, guess what. We get a spa treatment ourselves! Massage, mud baths-"  
>"Huh? Mud baths? You're a pig or something? Japanese people don't bathe in mud, they just don't! No matter how fucked up they may be."<br>"It's medicinal mud, you idiot. It's good for the skin, keeps it soft, shiny and beautiful, it's relaxing and amazing."  
>Shizuo lifted an eyebrow.<br>"You go wrestling in the mud? With some hot chick, that may be hot..."  
>"Do I look like the wrestling type?"<br>Izaya angled an hip and placed his hands on his waist.  
>"Guess not."<br>"Why do I have a feeling you've spent way too long jerking off to sleazy woman mud wrestling."  
>"How do you know! I mean, no way."<br>Izaya laughed.  
>"You are the worst liar ever, Heiwajima Shizuo!"<br>"I'm an honest man."  
>Izaya snorted.<br>"Yeah, right."  
>"And I'll make an honest woman out of you! Or guy, or whatever you are!"<br>"For the last time I'm male, male. Why do I have to keep telling you this when you've done me over and over?"  
>"Well, that is, you know... you got the wig and you look like a chick."<br>"Yeah, yeah, whatever. We're going to the spa retreat and you'll like it, too. Even if I have to strip and pour the mud on your body myself."  
>"Wow, I am so for that!"<br>"It's about time we see some of the high life here. We've been up and down this country more than Jack Kerouac's characters but unlike them I am not into staying over on shacks and being drunk 24/7. If we're in America we might as well enjoy the good things here instead of losing our time with bottom feeders."  
>"I thought you loved all people and now you're complaining about 'bottom feeders'-"<br>"Not now, Shizu-chan. This spa is just what we need."  
>"Do you think they have anal probes there?"<br>Izaya frowned, uncertain of whether Shizuo was actually serious.

They were driven in a limousine to the spa resort, Izaya so happy he waltzed into the lounge. Shizuo followed him in a daze. They ended up in a large mud filled tub. Izaya lost no time getting naked and proceeded to jump around.  
>"Yay, this will be so much fun! Shizu-chan, hold my hair."<br>"But it's mud...it looks dirty, dunno about this-"  
>"That is why you'll be holding my hair so it won't get dirty."<br>Izaya was testing the mud's temperature with his toe. That was when Dr. Phil emerged from the mud, Izaya was not even surprised.  
>"Oh look, it's the creature from the black lagoon but fatter."<br>"Izaya, look out! There's some creepy thing there!"  
>Izaya sighed.<br>"That's Dr. Phil. The bald fake doctor, remember?"  
>"Oh. Yeah, thought it was a monster."<br>Dr. Phil removed a cheesy breathing apparatus and goggles.  
>"M'kay, why don't you boys tell me how things are going between you two?"<br>"Lovely. But we're homesick, will we get to see the verdant hills of our fair country before we die?"  
>Dr. Phil chuckled.<br>"None of that in Tokyo, m'kay? I know as much. Now, why don't you tell me what 'love' is, in your own words."  
>"Why?"<br>"Cuz I'm running a show here. And I'm trying to help you."  
>"Fine. Love is when one feels so strongly that life without it is too painful to envision. It's the way I feel about sushi."<br>"Sushi, you say?"  
>"Yes. How could I live without delicious fish goodness? I couldn't."<br>"Now that's shallow."  
>"At least I'm not fat. Are you by any chance naked...? Oh god, once seen-"<br>Shizuo interrupted.  
>"What you babbling on about? Include me in the conversation already!"<br>"I'm talking about love if you must know."  
>"Oh. I see. Well, that's a serious thing- love is, I mean."<br>"So is cancer for that matter."


	73. Chapter 73

Dr. Phil interrupted this banter.  
>"M'kay, ask him what love means to him."<br>Izaya rolled his eyes.  
>"Do I have to? We've been through this before. Fine. So, Shizu-chan, what is love to you?<br>Shizuo was too caught by surprise even though he should have expected the question.  
>"Can't say just now, I need to find out for sure."<br>"What is that supposed-"  
>Shizuo had developed a taste for shutting up Izaya with a kiss. He did so now but without the usual nervousness. It was a long, deep, slow kiss that melted Izaya despite himself and left him panting and hungering for more. But Shizuo had something else in mind, having just reached a decision. He was silent for a few seconds. Then,<br>"Oh no! I'm in love with Izaya the flea! Why! How!"  
>"Ah? What are you blabbering on about?"<br>"It's true. Like, damn..."  
>"Oy, Shizu-chan. You've never been in love before so how can you even tell?"<br>Shizuo placed his hands on Izaya's shoulders.  
>"I just know. I've been thinking about it and tried telling you so now I'm coming out and telling it like it is! Feel much better, less stressed now."<br>Dr. Phil bobbed his head. He did not need to understand what was being said to get an idea of what's going on.  
>"Getting it off your chest is always for the best, m'kay."<br>"That's it, I'm getting rid of the weave and no more cross dressing around you. It's making you crazy in the head."  
>"That ain't it! I'm telling you I'm in love with you, you better admit you're in love with me!"<br>Izaya was too riled to even remember they had been working on a happy-couple-in-love angle for quite a while.  
>"As if! Who'd be in love with you? Certainly not me."<br>"Nah, I ain't buying that. I think you like me."  
>"Oh really. And what makes you think that, pray do tell."<br>"Cuz you get all moany when we fuck, for one! Sure, you're horny and all that but I bet you don't get all cute with other guys. So there!"  
>"...how stupid a reason is that?"<br>"Love has nothing to do with reason."  
>"Did you learn that in the good doctor's book?"<br>"Nah. I found out that's how it goes. Now you just gotta admit you love me more than you love sushi."  
>Izaya shook his head.<br>"Unbelievable. I hope you're happy, 'dr.' Phil. Why must you make my life miserable!"  
>"Cuz you're not being true to your feelings, that's your problem. And now I'll leave you boys to talk it out and settle things."<br>"Don't leave, it'll get awkward!"  
>But Dr. Phil was already gone, somehow. Shizuo scratched his head.<br>"Man, after saying all that I dunno what to do now."  
>"How about you just ignore the whole thing and let me enjoy this nice spa? I've yet to even wallow in this mud, poor me."<br>Izaya actually pouted and looked absolutely adorable as far as Shizuo was concerned.  
>"What's so great about this here mud?"<br>"It's relaxing. Now if you'll just hold my hair-"  
>"Okay, but this is how it's going to go. From now there'll be no fooling around until you admit you're in love with me."<br>Izaya frowned but was already in the process of stepping into the pool.  
>"Whatever."<br>"I know what you're thinking, that you can seduce me with your body anytime you want but it ain't gonna happen! Woah, you're really in the mud...!"  
>"Ah, this is the life...after this I'll take a nice rose water bath."<br>"At least that makes sense."

The rose water turned out to be a very wide basin-like pool that Shizuo appreciated. Izaya took a quick shower to get rid of the mud and then proceeded to float about with Shizuo's help.  
>All this naked companionship was making Shizuo's most recent resolution most difficult to abide by. Shizuo was mulling over this when he noticed Izaya lazily casting a glance at a television. It had been a long time since they had seen any TV but Shizuo did not pay much attention so he had no idea why Izaya suddenly jumped to his feet, nearly falling into the water.<br>"What the-"  
>"Get the volume up! Oh my god, Shizu-chan! Do you know what happened? Kim Il Jong has kicked the bucket!"<br>Shizuo was torn between extending his sympathies or getting jealous of this Kim person. But Shizuo had a good heart.  
>"Oh, sorry to hear that. Friend of yours?"<br>Izaya stared, eyes wide open.  
>"Are you stupid or something? Kim Il Jong, North Korea's crazy leader! He's been dead for ages and I did not know! This is what happens when one can't have access to any information!"<p> 


	74. Chapter 74

"Oh, the North Korean fellow."  
>Izaya now narrowed his eyes and folded his arms. For all his talk of keeping his clothes on he was very much naked.<br>"Shizu-chan, why are you acting like this is of no concern to you? Don't you know we're one of North Kore's main enemies? They hate our guts! And they have nukes! Who knows what the new crazy leader will do!"  
>"How come you know the new leader is crazy!"<br>"Hello, North Korean leaders are crazy by default, the insanity runs in the bloodline."  
>"Dunno why you're making such a deal out of this, I mean the guy's been dead for a while and nothing changed. You couldn't even tell he was dead."<br>Izaya sighed.  
>"See if you'll be saying that when they blast Tokyo out of the map. And who this new guy? He wasn't slotted for succession, was he?"<br>"Dunno. But he's kinda chubby."  
>Izaya smacked himself in the head.<br>"Who cares if he's fat or not! I'm more worried about what he's going to do. Why must we be almost neighbors with those whack jobs?"  
>"Want me to go to North Korea and kick his ass?"<br>"Eh, no. You'll only get yourself killed."  
>"Yeah and that would be bad."<br>Izaya jabbed a finger in the air.  
>"Of course it would be bad! I can't have you die on me, since I'm love with you- I mean, er, nice weather we've been having."<br>Shizuo burst into a brilliant smile.  
>"I knew you'd get around to saying it!"<br>Shizuo expected the usual barrage of denial. Instead Izaya returned to the water and threw himself into the pool, head first.  
>"Oy, Izaya! What are you doing, you'll drown!"<br>Shizuo was already towing him away from the water.  
>"Let me go, I'm doing the Japanese thing. When faced with disgrace one must put an end to one's life."<br>"Ah...your brain broke."  
>"Shut up! I am trying to die here."<br>"You're so bloody weird. Besides, you're supposed to cut your belly open with a sword, not drown yourself."  
>"Oh shut up. My life is as good as over."<br>"Drama queen, you gays-"  
>Izaya clutched Shizuo's robe and tugged at it with surprising force.<br>"Shi-zu-chan? First of all, I'm not gay. Second, you can't just admit you're in love with me and then go off on anti-gay speeches – this works both ways. And third, you're North Korea so I expect you to mourn the dear leader so start crying."  
>"But I don't want to cry, I'm happy-"<br>"And I don't care. Look at that, everyone in North Korea is weeping their eyes out."  
>"Yeah, I guess this Kim fellow was a good person- wait, you're changing the topic here?"<br>Izaya cursed under his breath.  
>"I am not."<br>"You totally are! You're going on about North Korea when what's important is that we're like, in love."  
>"And you just said Kim Il Jong was 'a good person', I'll get you a one way ticket to Pyongyang right now."<br>To Izaya's surprise Shizuo held both of his hands and looked deep into his eyes.  
>"That's fine. As long as we'll together."<br>"What the-"  
>"Woah, you can get all flustered too, huh. It's cute."<br>To which Izaya replied by knuckling Shizuo in the head.  
>"Okay, ground rules: you don't get to act like the typical top and boss me around."<br>"Man, that hurt. Why are you so violent?"  
>"The hypocrisy, it burns."<br>Shizuo brushed Izaya's long hair and kept it from clinging to his face too much. Clearly weaves were not practical when exposed to water.  
>"But it's better when you hit me than when you go on about other guys and girls and shit. Cuz that hurts my heart."<br>Izaya blushed and spluttered, words failing him. Nothing disarmed him as much as absolute candor.  
>"No embarrassing remarks. From now you're forbidden from saying that kind of thing."<br>Shizuo blinked.  
>"Why not?"<br>"Because I say so."  
>"And you say I'm bossing you around, you're the one who's bossy."<br>"I do no such thing but someone has to have a handle on you. Otherwise you go around destroying everything."  
>Shizuo nodded.<br>"Yeah so I guess Dr. Phil is right. We're good together."  
>"Yeah, yeah. Match made in heaven."<br>"It's kinda silly that we wasted so many years fighting until we realized it. Better late than ever."  
>"I'm still stomping on you when we get back to Ikebukuro."<br>"What for!"  
>"You promised."<br>"That sucks..."  
>"Assuming there is a Ikebukuro to go back, that is. Your pals in North Korea may blow it up one of these days."<p> 


	75. Chapter 75

"They ain't friends of mine. And what kind of person would stomp on his boyfriend?"  
>Izaya humphed.<br>"I would. And I will. So you best be prepared."  
>"Okay but only if you don't stomp on anyone else, ever."<br>"Say what?"  
>"You're my boyfriend so no stomping guys or chicks. It's like cheating."<br>"How... I don't even."  
>"That's just the way it is."<br>"You're a freak, Shizu-chan. Just so you know."  
>Shizuo robbed his chin thoughtfully.<br>"Dunno why you can't just pick girls or guys, what's up with screwing both genders? It's greedy."  
>"Whatever. I can't choose my sexuality. And for the record, you're the same. You're into me and girls."<br>Shizuo gave him a goofy smile.  
>"Nah, I never cared for chicks. They just don't do it for me, I always wanted to do you though- Oh no! This means I'm gay!"<br>Izaya gasped in mock shock.  
>"Oh noes! The world will stop spinning now!"<br>"It might! I can't be gay but I guess... that's that? Then again you're girlish."  
>Izaya rolled his eyes.<br>"This is one of those pairings with a genius and an idiot."  
>Shizuo was still stunned by this sudden bout of self-realization.<br>"To think I'm gay... dunno what to think now."  
>"I don't see why you're getting all caught up with this now. You're so obviously the macho gay type."<br>"You think...?"  
>"I always thought so."<br>"Bet you always wanted to get into my pants."  
>Shizuo looked smug. Izaya pretended to retch.<br>"Oh please. What do you think you are, a sex god?"  
>"Nah but it's not like you can complain either. I can more than satisfy you even though you've done it with half of Ikebukuro."<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"Will you stop saying that? I was never that promiscuous."<br>Shizuo glared.  
>"Doesn't matter cuz from now on you'll be faithful to me. If you cheat I'll hunt you down and kill you."<br>"That's draconian."  
>"Dunno what that means. What I know is that I couldn't live with myself if you went around doing it with other people."<br>"What if you're the one cheating on me?"  
>Shizuo had not even considered this. He thought about it then shook his head.<br>"Nah, that ain't happening. I'm a faithful person."  
>"Oh really? Just like you are a peaceful man?"<br>"That's right."  
>"...oh the irony."<br>"I don't do irony."  
>"You say I can't complain but that's hardly the case. Not only do you not use condoms properly as you don't last much."<br>Shizuo blushed and Izaya was quite pleased.  
>"I'm still learning and getting better at it..."<br>"What, you need practice to put on a condom? Not to mention there is a connection here: if you use a condom you'll last longer."  
>Shizuo flailed a bit but regained his footing right away.<br>"No matter. I saved myself for you, that means more than getting it all perfect right away."  
>"'Saved yourself for me'? Oh please, truth is you couldn't score to save your life. That's why you were a virgin at your ripe age."<br>"Not true! I only wanted to do it with you."  
>"Then you must be a happy camper now."<br>"That's right. But this is just the beginning."  
>"Of what?"<br>"Of rescuing our relationship, of course. It says in the book – that's Dr. Phil's book – that couples need to keep working on their communication and stuff."  
>Izaya groaned in a most unladylike manner.<br>"Good grief, haven't you had enough of that by now? We've been at it for ages now!"  
>"Dunno why you're bitching. You like to talk, always yapping like crazy."<br>"At least I don't rant at length like you do."  
>Shizuo tried to look down on Izaya.<br>"It says in the book that reflection is good, helps figuring out stuff."  
>"What is this, the Dr. Phil cult?"<br>"It's thanks to Dr. Phil that we're together now! Show some gratitude!"  
>"Oh please, give me a break. He's in it for the ratings."<br>"He's gonna help me with Kasuka."  
>"Good luck with that."<br>"He could help you too, with Kururi and Mairu."  
>"Thanks but no thanks."<br>Something occurred to Shizuo.  
>"You know, this shows I'm more mature than you."<br>"I bet you still eat crayons."  
>"Well, I owned up to how I feel way before you did. It says in the book that it takes a mature man to do that."<p> 


	76. Chapter 76

"You're so mature you can't even keep a job."  
>"You don't have a job either, you snoop on people."<br>"There's a reason why you live in the slums while I own an apartment in Shinjuku."  
>"It's not a slum! We can both live very happily in my apartment."<br>Izaya gasped.  
>"Excuse me? You expect me to live with you – that's already wrong – in your matchbox slum? As if!"<br>"It'd be fine."  
>"And where would I sleep? The closet? Not to mention all of my things."<br>"Yeah, you got a lot of stuff."  
>Shizuo seemed to be deep in thought, trying to figure out how to fit Izaya's many possessions into a very limited space.<br>"If anything you'd be moving in on me."  
>"Woah, that works even better!"<br>"Let's just enjoy the bath."  
>"Yeah... you know, it says in the book that couples should do things together."<br>Izaya splashed around.  
>"We already fuck, so that's covered."<br>"I mean other things. Things like, I dunno, shopping?"  
>"...right..."<br>"Also, I don't like you calling it 'fucking'. From now on we're calling it 'making love', Dr. Phil says that the words people use are very important."  
>Izaya kicked sprays of water with his feet. His very shapely feet, Shizuo could not help noticing.<br>"Bo-ring! 'Make love'? No matter how you spin it, that's boring routine along the lines of candlelight dinners, soft musing followed by boring sex that puts you to sleep before you even get past foreplay. No thanks."  
>Shizuo rubbed his chin.<br>"Yeah you may have a point there. The book says that making each other laugh is real important. Like humor and stuff. It's a problem, this... 'cuz your jokes are so bad."  
>"And yeah and you're a veritable Bill Hicks."<br>Shizuo tightened his grip on Izaya's bundled up hair.  
>"Who's that, one of your-"<br>"That hurts! Will you watch the weave! And Bill Hicks is a comedian and he's been dead for years now!"  
>Shizuo relaxed his fingers and to compensate patted Izaya's head.<br>"Oh. Sorry."  
>"Doesn't it say in that book of yours that jealousy is highly detrimental?"<br>Shizuo looked most solemn.  
>"It says it's bad to be jealous but it's about normal couples, not people like you. Not a book about sluts that run after every hot guy they see, how am I supposed not to be jealous?"<br>Izaya rolled his eyes.  
>"You know, this is getting very old. I am not all that promiscuous."<br>Shizuo was of course not even remotely convinced.  
>"That's what you say. Just how many dudes have you done with?"<br>"Let me see... hmm..."  
>"That you have to think says it all!"<br>"Around a hundred, give or that?"  
>Shizuo's look of sheer shock sent Izaya into a fit of giggles.<br>"A- a hundred!"  
>"Oh Shizu-chan, your face, your face!"<br>"A hundred people? What the hell!"  
>"It's less than 'half of 'bukuro' as you keep saying."<br>"You had sex with a hundred people?"  
>"Well, not at the same time. And I'm just counting the guys-"<br>"The hell! So if you add the chicks...?"  
>"I am a very fiftyfifty person so that would make a hundred females, give or take-"  
>"That's like, like, two hundred people!"<br>Shizuo let go of the weave in his distress. Izaya burst laughing and forgot all about his surroundings, leaning forward in one of his typical fits of borderline hysteria. Unfortunately this meant that he toppled into the water, head first, weave weighting him down immediately so that he appeared for all practical purposes a drowning mop.  
>Shizuo failed to notice this because his back was turned as he paced back and down and he was too upset to even notice the splash.<br>"Can't believe it, you slutty... slut! And you bitch against sluts, you're the biggest slut out there!"  
>Bubbles floated to the surface as Izaya desperately waved his limbs underwater without actually getting anywhere.<br>"It ain't right, it just ain't!"  
>"Nii-chan, Orihara-san is drowning."<br>Kasuka had just entered the scene. Wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and a non-committal expression.  
>"Kasuka! What are you talking about, he's right there- oy, Izaya! Stop dying on me!"<br>Shizuo was already hauling Izaya from the pool. Izaya spluttered water and tried his best to pull off a commanding look of scorn. Instead he looked miserable, deadly pale and obviously drenched.  
>"Gah-"<br>"I see, you're doing this on purpose! This drowning thing is an act because you want me to save you! That's kinda cute, actually."


	77. Chapter 77

Shizuo smiled in a bemused fashion. Izaya glared through wet bangs.  
>"Cute?"<br>"It says in the book that people that are really up their own ass need constant attention or else they get all upset and stuff."  
>Kasuka nodded at this.<br>"Orihara-san has plenty of narcissistic personality traits."  
>"Yeah, that but you should stop it before you really drown."<br>"Like Narcissus."  
>Shizuo often did not get what his brother meant. This was such an occasion. But of course he was not about to let his ignorance show.<br>"Yeah, that."  
>Izaya coughed some more as he struggled to voice his indignation. This was followed by more spluttering. The routine vitriolic invective never materialized because Izaya suddenly felt sick and just gave up. So he simply lied flat on his back. For once unintentionally sexy. It made Shizuo considerably uncomfortable, considering that Kasuka showed no signs of budging any time soon.<br>To fill the awkward silence Shizuo found himself talking.  
>"I just had a great shock..."<br>"It's okay. Two hundred people is a lot but just think about it, Orihara-san dressed them up on bartender outfits."  
>Shizuo's spirits rose, having failed to realize that if Kasuka knew about Izaya's many sex partners then he must have acquired some snooping skills himself. To rival Izaya, even.<br>"Yeah, that's right! Gotta look at it positively. It says so in the book."  
>Kasuka nodded.<br>"Yes."  
>Pacified on this point Shizuo now settled for small talk.<br>"You're used to this kind of thing, spas and stuff... it's all very new to me."  
>"Rose water has a nice scent."<br>"Yeah, smells great."  
>And Shizuo could not help thinking about how well it would smell when he had Izaya sprawled in bed. Normally he might not care for such details but Dr. Phil's book had made quite an impact on Ikebukuro's strongest man.<br>"Yes. Very fragrant but not drinkable at all."  
>Shizuo blinked once, twice, then.<br>"Oy, Izaya! You drank a whole pool of rose water!"  
>Izaya groaned.<br>"Kasuka, I don't think he's faking it!"  
>While Shizuo panicked Kasuka produced a bottle of milk from a pocket of the clothes he had discarded in an outer room.<br>"Here. It helps."  
>Shizuo propped up Izaya and poured the milk down his throat. Somehow it shocked Izaya into recovery and thus put Shizuo's plans of a steaming session of 'love making' later on back on the map.<br>"Thanks, Kasuka-san."  
>"No problem."<br>"Hey, I was the one that gave you the milk..."  
>Izaya did not even bother to glare.<br>"We all know what you mean when you say 'milk'. And I'm getting out of here before I turn into a prune."  
>Izaya tried to be offhand as he wrung his hair in an effort to dry it. Kasuka helped him.<br>"Yeah let's find a bedroom around here... not that I want to do this and that, no kissing and all that while rolling around in bed with Izaya-"  
>"Onii-chan, you're thinking out loud."<br>"Like... nap time. That's right, nap time. It's real important since you're so short. If you have enough sleep you may grow a tad."  
>Izaya wrapped himself in a towel with some difficulty.<br>"In case you haven't noticed I'm no longer growing."  
>"Yeah, guess you stopped growing in elementary school or so."<br>"I'm too tired for this, if you want to pick a fight then argue with your brother or something."  
>"I never argue with Kasuka."<br>"Good for you, then. See you later, Kasuka-san."  
>"Hey, you can't just leave!"<br>Izaya fully intended to do so. But then he thought of something.  
>"Tell you what, Shizu-chan. Let's do something together like you suggest."<br>"Great!"  
>"Indeed."<p>

"A game of cards?"  
>Shizuo looked at the deck somewhat suspiciously. They had changed into their clothes and Izaya was currently laying out the cards on the table, shuffling them without being too flashy about it.<br>"Yes. I am sure your book says something to the effect of games being a wonderful way for couples to become closer. Since games are so pro-active activity that includes plenty of interaction."  
>"Yeah, the book said that."<br>Shizuo was happy that Izaya was abiding by the ever so amazing book but he still had his suspicious.  
>"I know what you're thinking, Shizu-chan but don't worry. We're not playing for money, it's a friendly game. And you should be familiar with the rules already. Poker."<br>Shizuo brightened immediately.  
>"Yeah, I know the rules. Kinda, at least."<p> 


	78. Chapter 78

"There you go. Shall we play, then?"  
>"Sure. Sounds fun."<br>Izaya smiled.  
>"Great. You're right, we can get along if we try."<br>"See? I told you."  
>"Very wonderful. But this will be way too boring if there are no stakes involved. So we'll play strip poker."<br>Shizuo shifted on his seat,  
>"Not too sure about that..."<br>"Poker is mostly about luck, you see. So it's a 50/50 deal."  
>Of course, skill goes a long way in poker. Not that Izaya was about to inform Shizuo of such details.<br>"As in, like the people you sleep with- I mean, okay."  
>Still Shizuo hesitated.<br>"It'll be fine, Shizu-chan."  
>Izaya lost the first hand with discarded his socks, smiling apologetically as if his luckless lack of talent could not be helped. Shizuo found it endearing and he was also seeing the possibilities in this.<br>As it turned out ten minutes later Shizuo was stripped down to his boxers and Izaya remained clothed if not for the socks. Izaya shuffled the cards and tried not to smirk. Shizuo looked even bigger in the nude, the chair dwarfed by his statuesque body.  
>"Cheer up, Shizu-chan. You should be hitting your stride soon."<br>Shizuo gave him a grave look that was most incongruous.  
>"I never stood a chance, did I."<br>"But of course you do! Now, for the last round."  
>"What, we're still playing...? You already won..."<br>"Strip poker means one of us has to strip. Completely."  
>Shizuo could not even gasp.<br>"Damn, this is one of those games with tricks and stuff... course you'd be great at it."  
>Cards were exchanged. Izaya glanced at Shizuo's and appeared bothered.<br>"What, show me yours."  
>"Shizu-chan, this is so unexpected."<br>"You mean I win this round...?"  
>Hope glimmered in the distance for Shizuo. Izaya's eyes grew very round. Then,<br>"So close! If only I didn't have... Royal Straight Flush. So sorry, Shizu-chan! Maybe next time."  
>"No way! I can't win and you know it."<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"Technically you could win but not this time around. I'm still waiting."<br>"What for...?"  
>Izaya leaned on the table, nothing short of lecherous.<br>"For you to drop your boxers."  
>"But I'll be naked!"<br>"That is the whole point. Those are the rules."  
>"But that's a bit..."<br>"A honest man abides by the rules."  
>Shizuo sighed. He knew he was defeated, which was bad, and that it was his own fault for falling for Izaya's stratagem, which was worse.<br>"Yeah, I guess. But it's way better when you're naked..."  
>"I didn't lose at poker, now did I?"<br>Shizuo wondered if Izaya had cheated but he knew better than to ask. With a sigh he removed the boxers. Right away Izaya began to half skip half dance around him.  
>"What are you doing?"<br>"Happy dance!"  
>Izaya now flapped his arms in lieu of wings. He was still at it and Shizuo remained frowning in perplexity when Dr. Phil walked in.<br>"Mkay, is this a courtship ritual in Japan?"  
>"Sod off, Bald Head. We're having fun here."<br>"I was going to tell you boys that we're about to reach San Francisco but-"  
>"San Fran? Did you say San Fran? Finally!"<br>Izaya skipped faster, giving Shizuo something of a headache. That Shizuo remained in the dark as to what was going on did not help.  
>"What's going on?"<br>"We're going to San Fran! Shizu-chan, rejoice! A big city, finally and not just any big city but San Francisco!"  
>Izaya threw himself into Shizuo's arms. Shizuo did not care much for San Francisco but he was all for holding Izaya.<br>"That's nice. So we should, you know, celebrate..."  
>"So true! Oh, I see. You mean like <em>that<em>."  
>Fortunately Dr. Phil made himself scarce, a feat for one of his bulk but somehow he always could appear and disappear as if by magic. Izaya's smile was sly as he twisted to check out Shizuo's budding erection.<br>"It's cuz you're so close..."  
>"Hmm... what better way to celebrate San Fran than some man on man sexing!"<br>Shizuo nodded enthusiastically.  
>"For sure..."<br>Izaya whispered into Shizuo's ear, all raspy.  
>"Just remember you'll have to be good as two hundred people."<br>Lust filled Shizuo with confidence.  
>"I'm better than all those people put together."<p> 


	79. Chapter 79

"Oh my. You've got to live up to _that _now."

"Bedroom, bedroom."

"By which you mean 'room with a bed'".

Such fine distinctions were quite beyond Shizuo for the time being. He was busy carrying Izaya princess style. It made Tom who spotted them quite by mistake wonder if Izaya could not be bothered to actually walk. Tom did not bother wondering why Shizuo was naked.

Shizuo pretty much dropped Izaya in bed and readily undressed him, hardly breaking a kiss. Izaya spread himself most invitingly.

"Now Shizu-chan, what are you missing?"

Shizuo scratched his head. He stared at Izaya's very smooth naked body and quite enjoying what he saw.

"Gotta have a piece of this, yeah."

"The condom Shizu-chan, the condom. Lube and condom. We've had this discussion before."

"Oh, that."

Shizuo found these items and before he could fumble with them Izaya took the lead.

"Since you fail at this let me show you how it's supposed to be done."

They sat in bed side by side, knees almost touching. With a few expert strokes made sure that Shizuo was fully hard. Izaya squeezed a bit and nodded as the tip oozed slightly.

"Now watch carefully and learn, Shizu-chan."

"Yeah..."

Izaya unwrapped the condom with great ease and applied to Shizuo's erection.

"See? Easy. Anyone can do it."

Anyone might but Shizuo had issues handling it presently and was quite glad that Izaya could so easily take charge. Most definitely there was something to be said about topping from the bottom. Izaya took care of preparations himself and then straddled Shizuo.

"I can do stuff..."

"Yeah, right. Forget that now."

It always took some getting used to this hot hardness nestled deep inside of him so Izaya took a few moments to adjust, breathing heavily, cheeks flushed.

"So cute, it's like, too cute."

But Shizuo was indeed getting the hang of this, muddled speech notwithstanding. Which meant he was not about to let Izaya call all the shots even if that could be very hot. Dr. Phil's book did not say much about sex, unfortunately for Shizuo, but it did say something about both parties being equally involved in bed. The fact that Shizuo was hardly the target reading audience did not cross his mind, not even when he was thinking clearly and he most definitely was not doing so presently.

Shizuo placed his hands firmly on Izaya's hips and thrust upwards precisely when Izaya least expected. Which gained him a glare.

"Oy, Shizu-chan. Let me handle this."

"Bitchy and horny, huh. Kinda typical."

"Why so we have to go through silly banter back and forth, honestly."

Shizuo squeezed Izaya's ass and sure enough Izaya could only moan.

"Like you don't like this kind of thing. And shouldn't you be start moving right about now?"

"I am getting to that."

Izaya picked up a pendulous motion, not too fast but enjoying every second of delicious friction. As Izaya picked up speed Shizuo steadied him and delivered a few timely thrusts that had Izaya closer to the edge. Izaya held on for dear life, hands slippery with sweat so that he he might have lost purchase were it not for Shizuo holding him in place.

As orgasm began to unravel Izaya's coordination Shizuo claimed a clumsy and wet kiss that resulted in Izaya biting Shizuo's lip hard enough to draw blood. Shizuo did not even notice this as his climax took over, drowning all stimuli in all encompassing pleasure. Izaya followed very shortly, spraying his stuff all over Shizuo.

For a while they were quiet, catching their breath, Izaya slumped against Shizuo's chest.

"Shizu-chan?"

Izaya's voice was surprisingly sweet.

"Yeah? That was real good. Good thing I love you, huh."

"You do realize what you've done? You broke the condom _again._"

To prove the point Izaya got up. A thick trail of semen seeped out and down Izaya's legs.

"Not my fault. You put it on and all, so if it bursts I can't be blamed. What the- you bit me!"

Only now had Shizuo noticed his bleeding lower lip.

"Oh gee, you're a strong man. Tough it up, will you?"

"This is blood!"

"Serves you right for getting your stuff in me. You can say we are even."

"How the hell is it being even..."

"It just is. And hand me some tissues."

"You got your stuff on me and I ain't complaining!"


	80. Chapter 80

"Aren't you amazing."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"That was sarcasm."

Shizuo folded his arms and actually smirked.

"I know. Just messing with your head."

The pack of tissues landed on Shizuo's head.

Izaya was planning on taking a quick shower and then lazing in bed as he was wont to do in his afterglow but the van stopped just as he stepped out of the shower; and right away he put on some clothes without even properly drying himself. Shizuo cursed under his breath, he was having fun holding Izaya's silly weave because it was an opportunity for seeing more of naked Izaya.

"What's the hurry?"

"San Fran! Wait, where's the city!"

Izaya had just flung open the door to reveal a forest.

"Hey, this is nice. So many trees."

"Screw the trees!"

"You'd do that, yeah."

Izaya gesticulated angrily.

"Where's that quack. He should be hiding around here somewhere."

"I think Shinra is back in Japan."

"Not that quack, the other one!"

If Izaya planned on annoying Dr. Phil it did not work for the good doctor stepped from a tree as if he materialized behind sequoias every other day.

"Red woods, m'kay. Very popular."

"I don't care if they're red, yellow or black! Why are we stopping in a forest!"

"Because you boys are promoting this spot. Healthy life style option, all this communing with nature."

Izaya looked Dr. Phil up and down, taking in the bulging suit, tie and leather shoes.

"As if you did much of that."

"Your boyfriend understand the appeal of nature."

Indeed Shizuo spotted a picnic basket and towel placed strategically by the production and got to arranging sandwiches under a very tall tree. Tom tiptoed from the van, unsure whether he could join the party but curious as to what was going on.

"I don't want to hang around forests, I want to check out San Francisco!"

"Oh you boys will get a shot at that soon, don't you worry."

Izaya did not care for Dr. Phil's smile. It was too savvy, sly and even evil.

"Anyway, I'm glad you're here. There is something we have to discuss. New Years is just around the corner. It's a very important event to us."

"Clubbing and all that?"

"Actually, no. To you people New Years might be just a chance for getting drunk and act stupid but for us it is one of the most important events in the calendar. We have all sorts of New Years traditions. There is wearing traditional clothes, visit a temple while they ring the big bells, new years soba, the first dream of the year, watching the first sunrise, exchanging cards. We take it extremely seriously."

Tom suspected that Izaya did not take it at all seriously. He took a chicken sandwich from Shizuo who was of course oblivious of the conversation. Tom decided to introduce the topic before Shizuo became too absorbed by the strawberry parfaits.

"Shizuo, what will we be doing for New Years-"

"Oh! New Years eve is totally romantic! And then, like, Izaya gets to wear pretty traditional clothes, we go to a temple- wait, there ain't no temples around here! How can we have New Years, then!"

Izaya nodded as if he could not possibly conceive it either.

"Precisely! Our entire culture is at stake here!"

"Yeah! Wait, it is...?"

Tom sighed and wished there was some_ sake _around.

"Yes. Yes it is, Shizu-chan. And is that tuna paste I see?"

Tom was about to take a bite of a tiny sandwich but he never got around to it because Izaya's outrage was suddenly upon him.

"Do you want some...?"

"Tuna paste is a sin against humanity and I am offended, deeply offended, at your insinuation, Tom-san."

Shizuo frowned.

"You should apologize."

"For what, exactly...?"

"The tuna. Izaya gets his panties in a twist over the tuna."

"Right..."

Izaya folded his arms, exceedingly smug.

"Listen to Shizu-chan and apologize. He's siding with me because boyfriend trumps best friend. Now that I think about it, this couple thing is great!"

Shizuo smiled.

"Yeah, I told you."

"As a significant other I can veto your friends. Just so you know."

"Woah, really?"

"Really. It's part of being a couple. But I like Tom-san so you don't need to worry."

"If that's how it goes then as your boyfriend I demand you stay away from that long hair hussy!"

Dr. Phil coughed to get their attention.

"Don't worry about New Years, you boys get to spend it in Japantown."


	81. Chapter 81

Izaya hesitated. For all his long winded rant he would rather explore the city in all its glory than stick to Japantown. Meanwhile Tom stepped up to his translator role since he might well justify his being here at all.

"Oh, they have Japantown here? Isn't that cool, Izaya! With like temples and all that."

"I can hardly wait..."

Shizuo had quite a few things he wanted to discuss with Dr. Phil and having Tom around was just what he needed. He dragged Tom and together they approached Dr. Phil in a semi-conspiring manner. Izaya busied himself studying the picnic items with great care as if to decide they were poisoned.

"Tom-san, translate this, 'kay?"

"Okay..."

Shizuo produced a book that he waved in front of Dr. Phil.

"Like, your book is real useful but it's all about 'the woman this' and 'the man this' but Izaya ain't a woman, know what I mean? If there was a book about the gay, I'd appreciate it."

Dr. Phil nodded.

"Even a book on gay relationships wouldn't help you two. Because your boyfriend is too strange. I'd have to write a book just about him."

"Yeah... true."

Izaya raised his voice.

"Are you guys done talking in corners? I need Shizu-chan to taste test this."

"As your boyfriend I demand that you stop fooling around with that hussy!"

"If by 'hussy' you mean Namie then fat chance. She works for me, I need her."

Shizuo had one of those fits of indignation so typical of him.

"Work, work you say! What, with hanging around your place at all hours and staying over, that with the skimpy skirts, long hair all that!"

"I've told you many times that she does work for me. And stop saying 'hussy', you sound like an old man."

Tom said piped up.

"How about 'bitches and whores' instead of 'hussies'? But I guess Orihara-san is more likely to go 'bitches and whores'."

Izaya narrowed his eyes.

"Oy, Shizu-chan. Your pal here is getting too cheeky."

But Shizuo was still caught up on his biggest pet peeve.

"Bet the long hair is one of of those two thousand people you've been screwing around with!"

Tom choked on some juice. It was like being inside a bizarre comedy.

"Two hundred, Shizu-chan. Not two thousand. And no, she isn't."

"Two thousand, two hundred. Same thing as far as I'm concerned."

"Oh really? Imagine you're buying a can of juice for two hundred yen. Then at the cash register they tell you it's actually two thousand yen instead. What do you do?"

"Don't buy it, too expensive."

"See? I rest my case. There's a huge difference between 'hundred' and 'thousand' and that I actually have to explain it to you is very telling."

"So I ain't too good with numbers..."

"Underestimation of the year."

"The year is almost over. Next year is the year like, the year of the... let's see, this year is the year of the rabbit, so..."

"...dragon. It's the year of the dragon."

"Yeah! That, dragon."

Izaya sighed and presented a croissant.

"The ignorance, oh the ignorance. Try this."

"Chocolate croissant. It's good. You know, about the years and all that... wouldn't it be cool if there was the 'year of the strawberry parfait'?"

"Ah... now that was random even for you."

"And the 'year of the cupcake', and so on."

"There's a cupcake here."

"Tasty, we'll share."

Tom supposed it was cute, in a way, a big man like Shizuo carefully splitting a tiny cupcake into equal parts, handing one to Izaya who took it somewhat awkwardly. Izaya nibbled.

"San Francisco, how marvelous!"

"That's the city with the gays, huh... okay, I decided. You gotta dress up like a chick."

"Why?"

Shizuo looked as if it was so obvious that Izaya must be playing stupid.

"Cuz it's the city with the gays. If they mistake you for a girl it'll be fine."

Tom had to say something.

"How about the lesbian population?"

Shizuo frowned angrily and Tom busied himself studying the pretty forest.

"No need to get all rude. I'll handle the lady gays, I mean, if Izaya wears a frumpy dress it'll all work out-"

"'Lady gays'? Shizu-chan, that's precious! Lady gays!"

"It's all about respect. Like it says here."

Shizuo flipped through the book.

"Does it say anything about 'lady gays'?"

"Nah, there's nothing about the gay, it's a shame. I was telling Dr. Phil as much."


	82. Chapter 82

Izaya looked around and finding no camera people or Dr. Phil who had once again disappeared, dragged Shizuo to some secluded niche behind a large tree.

"Here's the plan: as soon as we hit SF we are making a run of it like I wanted to do from the very start."

"Run for it?"

"That sorry excuse for a pseudo doctor has dragged us across the States and all along we've been playing into his hands like we're pawns in a chess game!"

"So now you know how it feels, huh. It's what you've been doing since I know you, using people! Sucks being on the other side, doesn't it. I hope you learn your lesson."

Izaya's eyebrows twitched.

"You know, you've always been a pain in the ass but now you're a moralizing idiot."

"You're just 'displacing', you're angry at yourself so you lash out against me."

"Fine, be that way. I was hoping we'd hit the city together but clearly you prefer to tag along with Dr. Bloody Phil."

"The book says that couples should enjoy 'nights out on the town'."

"What, you can't decide on your own without the book? Talk about dependance!"

"I'm smart enough to know the book helps."

Thus heavily implying that it was more than could be said about Izaya who did things his own way to the detriment of everyone else, especially to Izaya himself.

"You do realize your beloved Dr. Phil is going to dump us in the middle of a gay parade, right?"

"Gay parade!"

"That right, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo rubbed his chin.

"That's bad. I got nothing against the gay parade but it's bad if you're involved. You'll just get man crazy."

"Anyway, we have to enjoy yourselves. It's San Fran, San Fran! We cannot let this opportunity go to waste."

"Okay, we'll do that. Dr. Phil would understand."

Izaya frowned, clicked with his tongue and then lashed out.

"What the hell, Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil! It's as if you like that guy more than you like me!"

"Well, as far as 'like' goes, I like Dr. Phil better."

Izaya was not expecting it. He gasped and even took a step back. Shizuo was very amused but did not let it show.

"What- what the fuck! You bastard!"

"I like Dr. Phil, and Tom-san, Kadota, Shinra, Celty, more than I like you, yeah."

To Shizuo's great amusement Izaya flailed so much he was temporarily at a loss for words.

"You- you, you fucking! You've been using me just for my body, haven't you? Now you've done it. If you think I used to ruin your life before just wait and see what I'll do to you now."

"I wasn't done talking,"

"Oh yeah? What more do you have to say, mister 'I am so honest'? Go die in a fire! The pox on you, the pox!"

"Like I said, I like Dr. Phil better,"

"Fuck you! Tasteless brute, the guy is fat and bald and from Texas!"

"What does Texas have to do with anything?"

"And fat!"

"You said that already."

Izaya literally writhed in anger.

"You're so dead, Shizu-chan. Soooooo dead."

"What I mean is, I like many people more than I like you but I love you better than anyone in the whole wide world."

"Ah. I see. So now I am supposed to forgive you, go weak at the knees and be all 'Shizu-chan...'"

"Oh, you're getting it, yeah!"

Izaya kicked Shizuo very hard and of course only ended up hurting his foot.

"Ouch!"

"Man, why did you do that?"

"You think you can play games with me?"

"Well, yeah. Like we played poker,"

"Not that! You suck as a boyfriend! Making me think you were more into Dr. Phil than me! The nerve!"

Shizuo placed his hands on Izaya's shoulders and peered into his eyes.

"Izaya, 'like' is one thing but 'love' is different. You like people for what's good about them but love is different, love is when you can't live with the person even when he's, well, you."

Izaya blinked.

"Your touching heartfelt love talk is horrendous. You just insulted me!"

"It's just the truth. Your personality is bad."

Izaya humphed.

"As if you were any better. I'm breaking up with you and that's that!"

"You know, kimchi?"


	83. Chapter 83

Izaya blinked.

"What about it?"

"Do you think 'Kim' is such a common name in Korea because they really like kimchi or is it other way around, they named it 'kimchi' because there are so many people by the name of 'Kim'?"

"Eh, what the- it's nothing of the sort, why should there be a connection? It's a coincidence."

"You think?"

"Obviously! Your Shizuo-logic is simply random. What are you smiling for?"

"You sure get sidetracked real easy, you wanted to break up but went on about kimchi. Goes to show you don't really want to break up at all."

Shizuo was most smug at just having scored a point. So he gloated considerably. Izaya narrowed his eyes momentarily then forced himself to be very offhand as he shrugged it off, turned around and walked away. Izaya was very used to strutting down the streets into the never quite uncharted city. Being very familiar with the maze that was Tokyo he could always do this disappearing into the distance act without actually paying any attention to where he was going, exactly. Even if he lost his direction for a while in some nook (which rarely happened) he needed only to keep on wandering to find some landmark, end up at a more important street, or even ask someone if it came to that.

But the forest was entirely different. No only did Izaya not know his way around forests in general as he was not at all familiar with this particular, its very tall trees spaced at almost regular intervals might be very pretty and soothing but they also did away with any sense of orientation Izaya might possess for the big outdoors.

Shizuo was enjoying the whole thing a bit too much and planned on letting Izaya keep at it for a while longer before calling him back. But at this point Tom hailed him. Shizuo turned around to answer and just like that Izaya disappeared.

"Oy, Izaya? I-ZA-YA! You around here? Shit, can't believe he got lost."

At first Shizuo was not particularly worried. He too was a city dweller through and through and considered being 'lost' as a tad embarrassing but not exactly dangerous. It was only he walked around some and called out Izaya's name a few times that he began to realize how similar the scenery seemed regardless of where he turned. And then he began to truly worry.

"Tom-san! I just lost Izaya in the woods!"

"Ah... and that's a bad thing?"

Tom regretted it right away.

"Not funny. We gotta find him before he falls into a river! Or is eaten by lions!"

"I don't think there are lions in the area,"

Dr. Phil saw fit to add a correction.

"There are mountain lions."

Shizuo threw his hands up in the air in despair.

"Damn, it's cuz there are so many trees! They're everywhere! Gotta get rid of them."

And indeed Shizuo was rolling his sleeves and getting ready to uproot the nearest tree with which he planned to knock down the remaining ones.

"Let's not panic, I'm sure he didn't wander off too far-"

"How do you know! He's fast on 'em legs!"

"How do you know he's lost? Maybe he just got mad at you and is hiding somewhere, making fun of you while he's at it."

Tom took a step back and Shizuo glared at him.

"No way. He's mad at me but that ain't new, but there's no way he'd hide in the woods! Izaya don't like the woods, he thinks a park is too woodsy for him! IZAYA!"

Shizuo raised his voice and right away all sorts of small animals scampered for shelter. The sound carried much more in the forest than in the city, a couple of miles away a group of Bigfoot fans became highly excited at what they immediately identified as a Sasquatch call.

"Okay, okay. Let's look for him, no need to demolish the forest."

Dr. Phil joined the conversation.

"M'kay, this is a famous spot, you can't destroy it."

"Maybe he climbed up a tree?"

Shizuo considered this.

"Might be. He climbs over stuff, yeah. Damn that Izaya, when I find him I'm putting him on a leash and that's that.""

"He's not exactly a pet..."

"Can't let him wander off on his own!"

Shizuo's outrage mingled with guilt. Muttering under his breath he made his way more or less aimlessly.

"You'll end up getting lost yourself at this rate."

"Damn that Izaya! He's as troublesome as he is cute."


	84. Chapter 84

"Maybe we should call the police or the forest guards or something?"

Tom glanced at Dr. Phil for guidance but he was nowhere to be found. Apparently these were spiriting away woods.

"IZAYA! You better not be dead or I'll kill you!"

"So he'll die either way..."

Shizuo took off in a random direction. Tom followed most reluctantly. After a while it became clear that Shizuo was following a faint sound, a repetitive cadence as if someone strumming the same chords in a guitar. Over and over again.

"IZA- what the hell...?"

"Shizu-chan~~!"

Shizuo had just stumbled into a clearing. He came to such a sudden halt that Tom bumped into him and fell back on the bed of leaves.

"Is that Izaya? Hey, Shizuo?"

Tom was perplexed. From where he was lying he could not quite see what was going on, only that he would recognize that sing-song voice anywhere even if it now sounded a bit warped. He got up, ready to question Shizuo again but never got around to saying anywhere.

It was indeed Izaya. A bare chested Izaya, to be more precise, weirdly swaying between trees in a meandering fashion that Tom supposed was a dance of sorts. A group of what Tom could only describe as faded hippies was responsible for the annoyingly repetitive music and for the highly suspicious clouds of smoke that filled the air. Tom rubbed his eyes and noticed peace signs drawn on Izaya's chest and that his long weave was done into twin pigtails as if he was emulating his sister.

Just when Tom thought he had seen it all.

"Shizu-chan! Love and peace!"

Izaya spoke with a slight slur and in English, for some reason.

"Ah... what the hell?"

The hippies echoed Izaya.

"Love and peace, man!"

Whether Izaya had done some tree climbing as suggested was both uncertain and unlikely but he now tried to climb Shizuo.

"What are you doing? Why are you naked...? And what are you saying!"

Tom sniffed the air.

"Is that weed I'm smelling...?"

So there was the explanation. Izaya giggled and rubbed himself against Shizuo.

"Cut that out! You're bad already when you're sober, total whack job when you're stoned!"

Izaya stumbled a step back and proceeded to do a version of his famous victory dance only in slow motion.

"Love and peace... Peaceful Shizu-chan! You know clouds, they're sushi in the sky! Praised be mother Earth! Sushi!"

Izaya giggled, threw his arms into the air and spun around. Rather slowly, too.

"Oy, will you stop!"

"Shi-zu-u-chan!"

Shizuo forced him to stop and without further ado tucked him under his arm as he was wont to. Izaya was highly portable.

"I've had enough of this craziness, we're going back and that's that. And you people better get lost before I get angry."

The hippies took a cue, potheads or not they could tell it was in their best interest. Tom sighed. Unlike Izaya and Shizuo he was not bogged down by any contract so he could and did carry a cell phone that he now put to use. In no time they were back on the comfortable caravan.

Shizuo literally dumped Izaya in the sofa where he flopped happily.

"Whee, free love, free love. Yeah..."

Izaya made a weak attempt of sliding out of his pants but all his reactions were greatly delayed and he soon gave up. Shizuo took a moment to reflect then picked him up and tossed him into the shower, turning on the cold water.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Good, you're back to normal. That's my line! What's with smoking weed?"

Izaya needed help struggling back to his feet because of by now infamous weave.

"I _hate _it when this thing gets wet. Wait, things are coming back to me. You! It's all your fault, you abandoned me out in the woods!"

"You walked out on your own."

"And then I stumbled on some crazy potheads and asked for directions since there was no one around... after that everything gets a bit blurry. Gah, my head hurts."

"Serves you, for being such a bitch. And smoking pot on top of everything!"

"I didn't do that."

"Huh? You were acting all stoned and shit!"

Izaya wrung his fake hair and sighed.

"It's called contact high. _I _didn't smoke anything at all. I was just in the vicinity."

"Ah... in the middle of a forest? Doesn't that happen indoors? There's plenty of air in a bloody forest!"


	85. Chapter 85

Izaya shrugged. He put on a shirt.

"So there is. But I'm a bit weak with these kinds of things. Being on the slim side does that to one."

"This is why I won't ever let you drink."

"Excuse me? Since when is it up to you whether I drink or not?"

It was of course a matter of principle, Izaya having no interest in alcohol. But he would assert to drink arsenic if it came to that.

"I'm your boyfriend so I got a saying in this."

"I just broke up with you."

"Nah. You weren't serious."

"Let's not argue, okay? I'm tired of arguing and just had a shitty day in case you haven't noticed."

And indeed Izaya looked miserable. Shizuo felt a tad guilty.

"I never wanna argue. You know, I kinda thought weed would make you all horny. I mean, even more."

"How come you sound so disappointed?"

"I ain't disappointed!"

"Yeah, yeah, right. When will we arrive at San Francisco anyway?"

As if on cue there was a knock at the door and some very loud coughing.

"Come in, no sexing in action presently."

Tom walked in but still rather apprehensively.

"Hi, sorry to bother you guys but Dr. Phil just told me we'll be camping for the night."

Izaya blinked.

"I'm sorry, for a second there I thought I heard you saying that you told me to camp out."

Tom was beyond uncomfortable.

"That's what I said."

"I don't 'do' camping."

Shizuo mused.

"Camping, huh. It's gonna be fun."

"Enjoy camping out on your own, then."

"There's no point in doing that, we gotta be together."

"Are you nuts? Why would I camp out, in a forest on top of everything!"

"Cuz Dr. Phil says so."

"Don't you have any pride, saying things like that?"

"Nope. I'm mature enough to cast away my pride and, how was it, give me a sec here- oh yeah, 'grow up as an individual'."

Izaya's look of absolute disgust was priceless. It occurred to Tom that this constant bickering to which they always defaulted was good for him since it tended to make him invisible to the amazingly dysfunctional duo.

"Are we ever going to reach San Francisco?"

Shizuo grabbed Izaya by the hand and simply dragged him out of the caravan until they were in a clearing with a lot of camping gear. Shizuo paused to inspect it thus giving Izaya a chance to bolt back into the security of the van but before he could reach it the vehicle drove away leaving the three of them stranded.

"Hey, do you know how to put a tent together? Izaya is useless, but I was thinking-"

"'Useless', you say? Is that so? I'll show you, Shizu-chan."

Tom had no idea why he had to stick around for this since no translation was needed (not to mention Izaya could handle it if it did) but so things were beyond the scope of reason. Shizuo busied himself picking up bits of canvas and metal pieces. Izaya studied an instruction manual.

"Alright, find the tall poles first. There should be three of them."

Izaya was in his element, even if he hated forests with a passion. But calling the shots on others even in something as simple as this filled him with joy.

"Three tents?"

"That's right. You and Tom-san can share one, I'll take the other."

"Like hell!"

Izaya did not expect Shizuo to suddenly flip a lid and demolish the already half completed tents.

"What are you doing!"

"We stay in the same tent, that's obvious."

Izaya fumed in wordless fury for a while until he exploded.

"How, how, how can we do that when you just destroyed the tents!"

"Oh. We still got the sleeping bags. It's not very cold. And there's that, you know, sharing body heat."

Izaya gesticulated crazily and seemed about to have a fit. It was up to Tom to calm him down.

"It's just for a night, they'll pick us up in the morning."

"Tom-san, you know how Aokigahara forest is known for being a famous suicide spot? There is much speculation as to why it is so. Having been in this godforsaken place this long has already taught me that anyone would have to kill themselves if they had to stay in a forest, any forest!"

It was flawed logic on par with Shizuo's but Tom knew better than to say so.


	86. Chapter 86

"Dunno why you complain so much, these woods are so pretty."

Izaya tiptoed to Tom in that suspiciously shady way of his.

"You got a phone on you, right? Let's just call someone and get us out of here!"

Tom was tempted to do just that. Already he had gone way above and beyond the line of duty for his tyrannical aunt and pet quack therapist. The thought of spending the night with Shizuo and Izaya struck him as a recipe for disaster and the fact that there were no tents only made it worse. He only got as far as producing the phone before Shizuo snatched it and smashed it by merely squeezing it with one hand.

"Shizu-chan, you idiot!"

"This is coming out of your next paycheck, Shizuo."

"Just fire him already!"

Tom shrugged.

"If I did that you'd probably end up supporting him one way or another."

Izaya gasped in horror. Shizuo calmly rubbed his hands together to wipe away the bits of broken phone.

"We gotta see what we got instead of bitching about what's missing."

"The phone isn't 'missing', you destroyed it! On purpose! You barbarian, you!"

As tired of this whole Shizaya deal as Tom was, he could not help but find amusing when one or the two of them resorted to very silly insults on the level of schoolboys. That Izaya's insults were often inventive made it even funnier.

"Like you're one to talk. You stomp on phones for kicks, you stomp on people too. But the point here is phones. It's your hobby, even. Weirdo."

"Neandertal!"

"Dunno what that is. Oh look, we got these here soft thingies."

Shizuo was inspecting the contents of their remaining camping equipment.

"That's marshmallows."

"That so? Looks tasty."

Izaya wrinkled his nose. Then he realized a subtle change in the clearing. He could now only vaguely discern the shapes of the trees just beyond it. The light was fading fast. Instinctively Izaya took a few steps closer to Shizuo as if for protection.

"It's getting dark. We'd better start a fire or something."

"Yeah. Get me some sticks and dry leaves."

"What, you expect me to do that?"

"You and Tom-san."

Izaya rolled his eyes but conceded. He looked around for the nearest sticks.

"At least you got your lighter. Wait, what are you doing?"

Izaya's voice rose to a panicky vibrato that got Tom's attention. Tom followed Izaya's stunned gaze and spotted Shizuo sitting on a fallen trunk, striking pieces of flint together.

"Making fire, what else."

"Is this the dark ages or something? Use the lighter!"

Shizuo lifted his eyes from the flint and frowned.

"If we're staying in the woods then we gotta do this like wood folk. No lighter."

Izaya turned to Tom, pleadingly.

"Tom-san, you got a lighter as a well, right?"

"Sorry...I left it in the caravan."

Quite a blunder, in hindsight. Izaya dropped the bundle of sticks he was carrying and proceeded to stomp on it madly.

"Screw this! What was that?"

A rustling sound startled Izaya considerably. He imagined all sorts of wild beasts roaming about ready to devour him. For all he knew those mountain lions were revving to have a delicious Orihara Izaya meal.

"Some twigs breaking, no need to get your panties in a knot."

"And what made the twigs break, pray do tell."

"Dunno."

"See, this is what I mean! You go about being 'real woodsman' when you don't know squat about the woods. Same goes for making fire!"

"I don't know if there are wild animals around but if there are they'll come running with all this screaming. Pipe it down."

Izaya glared but he glared in angry silence.

"Here, let's just use the wood I gathered."

Shizuo arranged Tom's twigs in a pyramid and proceeded to strike the flint some more. Izaya watched for a while, tapping his foot impatiently.

"How long is this going to take?"

"Patience."

"What kind of an answer is that? You can't actually make fire, can you?"

"Sure can."

"Have you ever made fire before?"

"Nah. But I can try."

"Brilliant, just brilliant. And there are no bathrooms!"

"You figured that now? Thought you were real smart."

Izaya's shocked impressed forced Tom to camouflage a chuckle with a cough.

"Ew! This is just gross!"

"There's plenty of room around. No people to see you either."


	87. Chapter 87

"I bet there are cameras all over the place."

Tom looked at the trees, it was of course impossible to discern any cameras in the growing darkness but this reminded him of something.

"It's a bit like the Blair Witch Project, then."

Izaya spun around.

"We all know how that ended! Or sort of. At any rate, we know that it ended badly."

Tom regretted bringing the movie into it at all. He rummaged in their supplies some more.

"We got toilet paper, at least. And camp lights."

"Yay... I guess it could be worse. Unless you're against camp lights? Not 'woodsman' enough for you?"

Shizuo was too busy striking the flint to rise to the challenge. Izaya was peeved beyond belief, if there was one thing that he hated it was being unable to rile Shizuo. Tom sensed a crisis in the making and rushed to fix it.

"We'll have fire soon, I'm sure it'll be much better then."

"You're an incurable optimist, aren't you?"

At this Shizuo jumped to his feet and towered menacingly above Izaya.

"You don't get to insult my best friend, got it?"

"Eh, who was insulting Tom-san? Surely not me. It's not my fault you don't know what 'optimist' is."

To show he was not at all afraid of Shizuo's misplaced wrath Izaya sat on a sleeping bag, arms folded. Tom picked up the flint where Shizuo had dropped it and struck it a few times. Immediately a tiny flame appeared.

"You guys, we got fire!"

Tom kindled the sticks and soon enough Izaya was dancing around the fire.

"Tom-san, you're amazing! Were you a boyscout by any chance?"

"Not, but I figured I'd give it a go."

Izaya jabbed a finger at Shizuo.

"Ha, fine woodsman you turned out to be!"

"Didn't see you do nothing so stop yapping."

Izaya humphed.

"What more is there to eat apart from the marshmallows?"

"Sausages and there's some canned food as well."

"Ah, it's hardly the Fat Duck, now is it."

Shizuo lit a cigarette in the fire, somehow managing not to singe his eyebrows.

"If you don't like it then hunt some."

"Hunt? Do I look like I hunt my food, Shizu-chan?"

"Then don't bitch. Sausage is good for you, too."

Tom chuckled, trust Shizuo to slide into innuendo without even noticing.

"Very funny. Next we'll be having toilet jokes. How old are you again?"

"Dunno what you're going on about."

Tom piped in.

"I don't think hunting is a good idea. We could be poaching for all we know. And this being a natural sanctuary maybe it's forbidden to hunt at all."

Shizuo rummaged their supplies some more.

"No pocky. Bummer."

"Gee, whatever happened to not complaining about things we don't have?"

"It's different when it's pocky."

"Whatever."

Izaya sat very close to the fire and tried to focus on its flame instead of worrying about the many unknown noises that reached faintly as a rustling background. As ever present as the soothing lull of traffic in the city only menacing.

"I can go hunting, don't care for no poaching. There's no one around anyway."

"I won't let you leave me and go off scampering away like a crazy Shizuo. If anyone is going to hunt it'll be Tom-san."

Tom was working on getting a sausage on a stick. He nearly dropped it now.

"Me...? Why?"

"You managed to make a fire so you have a knack for this outdoors thing. And Shizu-chan has to stay here to protect me again other beasts."

"'Other' beasts...? You saying I'm a beast as well?"

"That's the gist of it, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo fumed and not only at Izaya but also at Tom.

"Eh, I can't hunt. At all. Not to mention, how would I do it?"

"You might be able to catch a rabbit."

Shizuo thundered.

"What! You guys wanna kill bunny rabbits? Don't you have a heart, bunnies are cute! They ain't food, they ain't!"

Tom put his hands up to ward off Shizuo's virulent diatribe.

"What 'you guys', I said nothing about hunting rabbits."

"Good."

Shizuo seemed to have made some point. Izaya shrugged and returned to watching the fire.

"Is there anything to drink?"

"We have coke and there's water too. Let's start cooking, shall we?"

Shizuo impaled a sausage on a stick. He pushed it into the fire and immediately it became flambé.


	88. Chapter 88

"It's burning, it's burning!"

"Drop the damn thing!"

Shizuo obeyed and Izaya stomped madly on the charred sausage. The argument snowballed, completely out of proportion. Tom sighed and decided to ignore it altogether. He calmly cooked the remaining sausages.

"And that is why you're on welfare!"

"I got a job!"

"Only out of Tom-san's kindness."

Tom had to rise his voice to be heard above the din.

"Food's ready."

Tom had to refrain from adding 'children, come and eat'. If he ever needed a change in occupation he could always try his hand at kindergarten teacher. Clearly he had some skill. Surprisingly Izaya and Shizuo stopped the constant bickering, Izaya even went as far as sniffing the air.

"Hey, smells quite alright, actually."

He took a tentative nibble and then bounced up and down.

"It's good! Who knew!"

Shizuo swallowed a sausage whole.

"Man, Tom-san sure can cook. Tom-san will make a great bride."

"...except I'm a guy."

Izaya waved desultorily enough, happiness eating.

"Shizu-chan is clueless about gender roles. Or gender, period."

"That's cuz I'm a modern man."

"You're a backward goon and that's that."

Tom once more tried to patch things up by changing topic.

"How about we tell scary stories? Since we're already around a campfire."

"Yeah, it's like a tradition. I'll start."

Izaya snorted.

"You're scary enough, no need to tell a story. Even when you're not growling."

Somehow Shizuo refrained from taking offense. He began his tale of horror.

"There was this informant who lived in-"

"Hold it right there, no need to drag me into this story of yours,"

"-Nagoya. It ain't about you, ego freak. Think everything is all about you? Huh? HUH? There are more informants that the likes of you in this world. You don't live in Nagoya."

"Fine, carry on."

Tom could not held thinking that Izaya was actually a bit peeved that the story was not about him.

"This informant was a real slut."

Shizuo paused as if to tease Izaya into again asserting that he did not want to be the subject of any story and thus admit his slutty ways. But Izaya was far too sly to fall for it and kept his silence. Shizuo resumed, a bit disappointed.

"So this informant had a bunch of hussies. One day he was lying and screwing people over like he usually did when things started going wrong. He kept messing up, he lost a bunch of money, his car broke down, there was a flood in his apartment and then it burned down, and he nearly got run over by a truck.

So he got worried that something was off. He decided to visit a wise shaman who told him that one of his thousands of hussies had put a curse on him and that until he apologized to them all – and there were billions of them – things would go from bad to worse.

He tried to find them all but there were too many. Along the way he died but did not even notice it, he became a ghost and to this day on windy afternoons you can hear him walk the streets looking for them hussies. The end."

Izaya rolled his eyes.

"Oh please, how is that supposed to be scary? Is this Pokemon or something? 'Got to catch 'em all'?"

"It's a good story with a moral. You better watch out, it might happen to you."

"It's actually original, at any rate."

Izaya begged to disagree.

"No, it's not. Just you wait until you hear my story. It starts like this: there was this gentle young couple. They were very happy together and enjoyed spending time together. Their favorite thing ever was to go camping. They decided to explore a deep forest, a place very much like this own. Majestic sequoias formed a red dome, covering up the sky. For nature lovers it was the perfect environment, full of life and void of humans."

Tom was surprised at how easily set the mood, he half expected a crackpot story but there was a built up of tension caused mainly because the location matched their present one and because Izaya's voice had a way of lingering on a few words and gliding along the rest as if reeling one in. Tom had had few occasions of hearing Izaya's formal speech and found it strangely charming, the perfect diction and select wording.


	89. Chapter 89

"So enraptured were they that they kept moving deeper and deeper into unknown territory. Night had not quite descended when they spotted it. Two eyes shining in the growing darkness. A flashlight revealed it to be a strange creature, a half person, half animal creature-"

"Ya can't put me in this story!"

Izaya gloated. At times it really was too easy. And the irony made it all the more delicious.

"Oh? Who said it was about you? Unless you just so happen to be animal-like, which I of course did not at all imply."

All that Shizuo could do was glower, mutter some and sink into silence. Izaya cleared his throat for what Tom was sure was no good reason at all unless to keep himself from smiling too obviously.

"The half animal creature made a noise unlike anything they had ever heard. Most people would have fled in horror or shot it on site but of course this was a couple dedicated to wild animals and here was a brand new species. More, it was a cub. They could not explain why it should have yellow hair but there it was. So the couple decided to adopt it as their own to raise as a human."

Izaya saw fit to make a dramatic pause.

"What happens next?"

Tom had to ask. Izaya gathered closer to the fire and hunched forward slightly to create a more suspenseful atmosphere by appearing to be about to confide.

"The monster grew. And grew. And kept on growing. It learned the rudiments of language but only managed to communicate the most basic of ideas. Such as 'Me is ANGRY!', and this because he was was prone to fits of violence. There was no stopping his instinct for destruction. Still, the couple believed it could be taught to live peacefully in human society.

One day the husband arrived home late. Right away he noticed a familiar scent he could not quite place immediately. It was very dim inside so all he could see was the monster in a corner munching on something. And then he came closer and saw his wife's guts hanging from its huge jaws and realized that the pervasive scent was blood. But by then it was too late.

The last thing he saw before his head was ripped clean off his shoulders were vicious eyes, sharp fangs and claws. He did not even get to scream.

As for what happened to the creature no-one knows. And to this day there are those who venture out into the woods only to become another mangled body strewn on a tree, blood dripping down, plip, plop, plip, plop."

Shizuo was on his feet right away.

"What the- what the fuck! I don't eat people!"

"Again, who said the story was about you? It seems to be that you recognize yourself-"

"I-ZA-YA-"

"There is a moral, let wild creatures remain in the wild."

Tom thought it strange, Izaya's story was gory and pretty straight forward for all his talk of a moral, while Shizuo's was less over the top and more in line with a psychological approach. It occurred to Tom that Izaya and Shizuo were borrowing ideas from each other.

"Screw you!"

"Hush, stop your hollering. Can you hear that?"

Izaya's voice dropped to a whisper and suddenly he was all ears, looking in all directions. Shizuo blinked.

"You're just trying to scare me."

"Keep it down, will you?"

This time Izaya applied a finger to Shizuo's lips. Tom was about to say something to the effect of his not hearing anything when he did hear something. A rhythmic noise that could only be steps.

Izaya stepped behind Shizuo and whispered,

"It's bipedal. Maybe a bear?"

"Dunno."

Shizuo folded his arms to show he did not care.

"Protect me already!"

"Why? Since I'm 'monstrous' and shit like that."

The noise became louder. Izaya could now identify precisely where it was coming from. He considered his options, he could always bolt but the odds of his getting lost in the forest, at night, were exceedingly high. If he stayed put Shizuo might be of help. With some coaxing.

"What kind of a boyfriend would let me be devoured!"

"Guess you gonna become like those, how was it, 'mangled corpses' and go 'plip, plop'."

And then it was suddenly upon then, emerging into the clearing. Izaya saw a long white snout, absurdly big blank eyes. He must have screamed even before his ear was pulled.

"Young men, what kind of reception is this? Is this any way of treating your elders? In my day,"

"Let go, let go! Shingen!"


	90. Chapter 90

It was indeed Shingen. And he was not quite done dragging Izaya by the ear.

"Where is the tea? You are supposed to serve me some tea at the very least."

Finally Shingen let go of Izaya's by now hurting ear but only to fold his arms and shake the gas masked head in a gesture of disapproval. Izaya whimpered and vowed to get even one day.

"Oh hi there, Shinra's dad."

"My name is Shingen! Not 'Shinra's dad'. Show some respect."

"'kay. There's no tea but we got coke and these fluffy sweet things,"

Shingen gesticulated imperially.

"Those are not refreshments worthy of serving to a guest."

Izaya had recovered enough from his recent humiliation to make a comeback.

"Maybe not but you're more of an intruder than a guest. I don't remember inviting you. And where exactly did you come from, anyway?"

"I happened to be passing by,"

"'Passing by'? In a forest, at night?"

"Young man, you will not interrupt me any further or I will have to discipline you."

Shizuo was about to say something to the effect that he was the only one allowed to discipline Izaya but he did not get the chance.

"Fine, I apologize for my impudence. Where did you come from? You know how to get out of this place, right?"

"The condition of the air is exceptional in this area. I could even lower my mask's filter."

"But not good enough to do away with the mask altogether?"

"There was a time when young men respected their elders and did not pester them with useless queries."

"In those glorious days of yore there were no spiffy gas masks, you know."

Shingen waved such protests away.

"Instead of complaining you should all thank me for I have brought natto."

"Natto...why?"

"Natto is the essence of Japan!"

Izaya had no idea where Shingen kept it but he now produced the fabled natto.

"Good god, that thing reeks!"

Without further ado Shingen held Izaya's nose between two gloved fingers, waiting until Izaya was gasping for air and then shoved the natto down his throat. Izaya gargled and crawled on the ground.

"Now, gentlemen we may proceed."

"Gah! Proceed- with that?"

With a flourish Shigen produced a very large sheet of paper and an equally big brush.

"Calligraphy practice, what else!"

"Ah...why...?"

"Why? How can you ask 'why'! New Year is almost upon us and as you were saying a while ago that means calligraphy! If you don't train you'll sure to make fools out of yourselves and embarrass Japan! I cannot allow that! Banzai!"

"Banzai...? You really are a crackpot."

"Now it is time. I shall appreciate your calligraphy skills."

Shizuo was thoughtfully rubbing his chin.

"Calligraphy, huh. With the drawing with those funny characters? Don't care for that."

Immediately Shingen exploded.

"What you like or don't like is beside the point! Why, if young people were like that back in the day we would have lost the war."

Izaya waved a hand in front of Shingen blank eyes.

"Hello? Anyone home, Shingen-san? We lost the war, sorry to break it to you."

"I am speaking of the Russo-Japanese war."

"What, you were alive around 1905? Is this your 'in my time'? Just how old are you supposed to be!"

"Silence! Now draw."

Shingen handed him one of the massive sheets and the brush.

"Why do I have to, oh whatever. Fine, I'll draw."

For this Izaya cleared a patch of ground and knelt on the sleeping bag in a most formal way. Not for the first time Tom was surprised at how perfectly Izaya mastered social and cultural conventions only to normally ditch them. Izaya even held the brush as he was supposed to. Tom provided the ink from his bottomless pockets.

"There, I dedicate this to you, Shizu-chan."

"Lemme see. [馬鹿 ] , 'baka', who are you calling an idiot!"

Izaya blinked, all innocence.

"Why, I'd never. I meant [馬] as in 'horse' and [鹿] as in 'deer'."

"What do horses and deer have to do with anything!"

Izaya played the part entirely and after such a display of traditional calligraphy he put the brush aside, folding his hands on his lap.

"Don't you like pretty animals? Especially deer. Think of Tony Tony Chopper, Shizu-chan."

All that Shizuo could answer to this was mumble in a way that Tom knew was an admission of defeat. A very begrudging one.


	91. Chapter 91

Suddenly something occurred to Shizuo.

"You talked about this kanji before, it's like the only kanji you know!"

"Oh please, don't mistake me for the likes of you."

"I remember, it was at the rodeo."

"What an amazing memory you have!"

Izaya's voice rang with sarcasm.

"Course I'd remember. You baked me cute cookies shaped like Chopper's hat."

Shizuo was going through the motions of speaking ill of Izaya but he now grew thoughtful. After all it was difficult to keep up business as usual when he remembered Izaya's rare moments of cuteness. At this point Shingen saw fit to inspect the sheet.

"Such skill! Young man, you are a calligraphy master! This talent only appears once every generation!"

Izaya's smugness beamed. He coughed and tossed the very long hair over a shoulder in a trademark gesture of self-importance.

"I am skilled in many areas. In some ways I am a Renaissance man,"

"What a shame! That this calligraphy talent is wasted on the likes of you."

Shizuo snickered as did Tom. Izaya's eyes narrowed right away.

"Jealous? It's understandable."

Shingen turned to Shizuo next.

"You draw next."

"I'm no good at this, what do I draw anyway?"

"Figure that out for yourself."

Shizuo scratched his chin. The paused, looking at the empty paper, brush in hand.

"There."

Izaya intercepted the Shizuo's sheet before Shingen could see it.  
>"[一], 'one'? This is the kanji you picked? Good grief!"<p>

"Nothing wrong with it."

"Shizu-chan, you're supposed to write down your wishes for the new year. How is 'one' going to accomplish that?"

"Dunno."

Izaya threw his hands into the air, then took a deep breath after which he squatted closer to Shizuo.

"Pay close attention and do as I say. You hold the brush like this, don't squeeze it like that, you'll snap it. Dip it like this, yes. Now very gently. You are familiar with your name, right?"

Izaya had placed his hand over Shizuo's and was in the process of guiding it. Tom could not help but be fascinated. Izaya had a knack for perfectionism that hit on occasion and when it did nothing stood on his path. Not even his impatience. Izaya wasted on effort in correcting Shizuo's posture and teaching him how to handle calligraphy.

"Of course I am."

"Then we'll go with that. We are very lucky that your name is so poetic, we are going with 'peace'. Feel the characters' essence flowing. Take your time but don't dally too much."

"Like this?"

"Yes, it is getting better."

"Yeah."

Izaya was so focused on Shizuo's progress that he did not even pay attention to Shizuo. Tom on the other hand noticed how Shizuo half-smiled as Izaya began his instruction. It made Tom wonder if Shizuo was as clueless about calligraphy as he let show. Clearly Shizuo was enjoying himself immensely. And Izaya knelt by his side, knees touching.

"Fortunately you have a lot of experience writing these characters. Just do it like this come New Years' and you'll be fine."

"I guess. How about this?"

"That's my name. Why are you training that, you're supposed to be working on things you want for the upcoming year."

Tom was sure he saw it, a glimpse of triumph on Shizuo's face.

"I know. That's what I'm doing, it's something I want for the upcoming year: you, Orihara Izaya."

Izaya flailed a bit.

"Well, never mind that now. Focus on things like 'peace' and the like."

Shingen destroyed the moment by gesturing wildly. He had decided to try a marshmallow despite having railed against them and had somehow managed to set his lab coat on fire. Izaya was on his feet immediately, he caused Shingen to trip and then merrily stomped on the burning coat.

"Careful of forest fires, Shingen-san! We don't want to burn down a protected site."

Izaya put out the fire but it was obvious he enjoyed stomping on Shingen a bit too much. Still Shingen got up as if nothing had happened.

"Guiding the youth of Japan is a arduous and praise worthy endeavor that I accept,"

"Yeah, yeah."

Izaya yawned, stretched, rubbed his eyes and yawned again. It was early but seemed much later here in the forest. Izaya was rather tired. Shizuo picked up one of the sleeping bags.

"It's too small for me."

"Sucks being you, then."

Izaya was making himself comfortable in his sleeping bag.


	92. Chapter 92

"Tch, typical."

"Shizu-chan, you keep watch while I sleep."

"Huh? What for?"

"Wild beasts, that kind of thing. Goodnight."

"Ah...'night."

Izaya took some time getting used to the sleeping bag and made sure to coil his hair to get it out of harm's way.

"Make sure you do keep watch."

"Yeah, yeah, will do. Go to sleep already."

Shizuo waited a while and then cast a kiss on Izaya's forehead. Immediately Izaya flustered albeit slightly.

"There are no cameras around, no need for this kind of thing."

"Just go to sleep already."

Shizuo watched Izaya fall asleep. In the background Shingen had either passed out from Izaya's rough treatment or fallen asleep as well. Tom decided that this was an opportunity for getting to the bottom of this insanity. But he went about it in a roundabout way.

"Are you going to keep watch the whole night?"

"Yeah."

"There really is no need...I very much doubt there are dangerous animals out there."

Shizuo nodded.

"I know."

"Then, why...?"

"It's a matter of trust. He thinks I'm keeping watch, that's how he's able to sleep so well out here in the wild. I can't just lie to him like that."

"I see."

It did not seem very fair to Tom but he supposed it was sweet in a way. Against all odds Shizuo was in a conversational mood.

"It's not like I never lie to him, though. Like, my handwriting isn't that bad. Not as pretty as Izaya's but it's normal enough. But if I drew normally Izaya wouldn't teach me so I messed up on purpose."

Tom did not expect such a sly approach on Shizuo's part. It proved he had been right, Shizuo had greatly enjoyed the calligraphy lesson.

"So that's how it is, huh...I guess you guys have your moments."

Tom did not sound particularly convinced but Shizuo nodded in approval.

"It'd be boring if Izaya was nice. Imagine he's a nice girl baking chopper hat cookies for me, it wouldn't be too amazing cuz that's what nice girls do."

"Ah...he's not a girl at all..."

"No matter. Since he's mean like a snake, when he does something nice it's real sweet cuz it means something. Know what I mean?"

"In a way."

"Without Izaya I'd be bored. No one to chase, argue with, that kind of thing."

"So arguing is fun...?"

"Yeah. It's like something we do together. Sucks when he gets all sullen, though. That means no sex and that really sucks."

"So all that talk about Izaya being your wish for the new year is also a lie? To rattle him."

Shizuo frowned and for a second Tom was genuinely scared.

"Of course not. I mean that. This being Izaya he's gonna try and give me a slip once we get back home and act like before. It ain't gonna work. The main problem is those hussies."

"That again, huh..."

"Damn right. But it's okay, hussies are cowardly. I'll just show people who owns Izaya and go like, 'you touch Izaya I'll fucking rip her head off!' and they'll leave him alone. Everyone will leave him alone. It'd be bad if he had any friends but he's too evil for that."

Tom had to give up. Understanding Shizuo was difficult enough, understanding Izaya might even worse but understanding the two as a couple simply defied and trumped rational thought altogether. Tom was not even sure who was calling the shots in this relationship.

"And this is the relationship you're trying to save, is it..."

Tom spoke more to himself than anything else.

"But that isn't all. It's not just getting rid of the hussies, I got to train him."

"Train him...?"

Shizuo nodded most solemnly.

"Train him. With Izaya, he's a sly one. Got to make it so that he'll come to me and me alone for the sexing. That takes some training. I'm getting there."

Tom found this remarkable disturbing.

"I see. Well, good luck with that."

A sharp howl sounded. Izaya snapped awake.

"What was that! Shizu-chan!"

"It ain't me, whatever it is."

Izaya crept closer to the fire, his eyes scanning the darkness with great intensity.

"I knew there were dangerous animals out there, I just knew it. It's not Shingen this time around!"

Another howl sounded this closer closer. Izaya flinched. Shizuo saw fit to howl in return, loud enough to cause Izaya's ears to ring.

"What are you doing?"

"Scaring it away."


	93. Chapter 93

Before Izaya could comment he was blinded by a sudden glare of bright white light. Suddenly chaos broke out. There were screams, people trampling, more screaming. As his eyes adjusted to the floodlights he caught the shape of a gun.

Izaya clutched Shizuo, half hiding behind him.

"They're armed!"

The whole experience was so unexplainable that Izaya flailed in complete confusion. Through the din a voice emerged in clipped sharp American tones.

"We got it now! Sasquatch, you are mine! Hit him while he's dazed!"

Izaya screamed. He was glued to Shizuo's back and felt the impact as bullets made their impact. In his distress Izaya failed to see that Shizuo was nonplussed.

"You, you, hitogoroshi! You just killed Shizu-chan! Big Foot janai, he's a person, ningen, you hear! I'll never forgive you, never!"

Izaya wiped a few tears, not even realizing he was crying. For a while he rambled in a garbled mash of Japanese and English that was altogether unintelligible. Shizuo turned around and patted Izaya's head.

"Man, tranquilizers, huh. What's up with that?"

Shizuo calmly extracted the tranquilizing darts.

"Not bullets...?"

"Nah. It's all good. Cute of you to worry."

Relief was immediate but it was also immediately canceled by embarrassment that he covered up by lashing out against the invading small crowd. Tom had taken refuge behind a tree and against all odds Shingen was still snoring away.

"Care to explain why you are out assaulting innocent campers? According to your answer I may arrange for your demise to be rapid and painless."

Izaya was at his most dangerous when he was like this, calm and collected, his threats sparse and all the more insidious for that. Shizuo found it very attractive.

"We're with the TV show 'Finding Bog Foot,'"

"Clearly you did not find Big Foot, now did you?"

"I am Matt Moneymaker and we're on a quest to find Sasquatch. Earlier today we heard a call and followed it here. Sorry about that,"

This last bit was aimed at Shizuo who merely shrugged. Izaya could now see a television crew along with this Moneymaker fellow, a rather fat man whose beard made him very much like Big Foot.

"Oh? So it was you hollering about in the woods. I see, I see. If you think 'sorry bro' is going to cut I must set you right. Kneel on the ground. Now. And maybe, just maybe, I won't make certain calls. Neh?"

Matt Moneymaker looked around a bit befuddled.

"Wow, dude, hold up a second! No need to get all worked up over this, chill."

"I don't think you understand. I either sue you for extreme emotional suffering, that's my boyfriend you just harpooned, and fleece you of your money – it shouldn't be too much of a problem as long as you're true to your name – or you kneel down and apologize properly. This is the way we express true repentance."

Tom approached Shizuo.

"Are you alright? The tranquilizers don't seem to be working."

Shizuo shrugged.

"I'm okay, this kind of thing doesn't work on me. Too strong, I guess."

"Right..."

Meanwhile Izaya was going through his catalog of legal actions he could take against all people involved. It included highly technical language and quite scared the crew. Tom reflected on the saturation of reality television in America, that two completely unrelated shows should intersect like this attested to how much the format had infiltrated all areas of society. It was the kind of thing that would be interesting to discuss with Izaya if only Izaya was not too creepy to actually have a discussion with.

A conference followed in which the TV people talked amongst themselves. It culminated in Matt Moneymaker kneeling on the leafy ground, forehead bowed and all. Izaya jumped around in a happy dance, crazily bouncing.

"Whee!"

Tom wondered if being humiliated by a pretty Asian woman (no point trying to convince Moneymaker that Izaya was male) was not something of a fetish for this fellow. Judging by the way he wallowed it sure seemed that way. Tom sighed, it was still a long time until things even resembling normality could return.


	94. Chapter 94

"What's he doing?"

"The usual, threatening to sue people. That kind of thing is huge in the States."

"Hmm...and who is this 'Sue'?"

"Sue...? Oh, you mean as in 'suing'. It's the English term for litigation."

"So it's not one of the hussies? Good thing. Oh look, blood"

Shizuo extracted another arrow and a thin trail of blood poured out. Izaya left the American group and jabbed a finger at Shizuo.

"You're bleeding!"

"Just a bit,"

"What do you mean, 'just a bit'! Strip, now."

"Get rid of these people, I don't want an audience-"

"Aren't you hilarious, haha."

Izaya himself removed Shizuo's clothes above the waist then procured a first aid kit. With surprising delicacy Izaya bandaged Shizuo's wounds.

"Hey, thanks."

"Can you believe those guys? They actually have a show in which they walk around the woods trying to find Big Foot."

"Big Foot, huh. How about the Tsuchinoko?"

"What about it?"

"Do they also look for it?"

"Eh, no. Then again, I suppose it's not too unlikely."

"I saw a Tsuchinoko once."

"No, you didn't. There is no such thing as the Tsuchinoko."

"Is too."

"Is not!"

"Is too."

"Tom-san, tell him!"

Tom flailed.

"I don't think it's a real creature,"

"The tsuchinoko is like a snake but it's thinner at the tail. It lies when you talk to it."

"Eh, Shizu-chan, what exactly is in those cigarettes of yours?"

"If I say I saw a tsuchinoko then I saw a tsuchinoko."

"Whatever. And isn't he going to wake up any time soon?"

Shingen snored some more.

"I took a picture of it, too. Of the tsuchinoko."

"Oh really? Let me guess, this picture mysteriously disappeared."

"Did not. I got it on my phone, back in Tokyo."

"Right...so what did this creature say since it apparently speaks?"

"It said, 'I'm not a tsuchinoko'. They lie, you see."

"Ah...okay...so if it said it was a tsuchinoko then it wouldn't be one? Amazing Shizu-chan logic at its finest."

Izaya yawned and stretched.

"Sleepy?"

"It's been a long and crazy night. I'm going to sleep."

For the remaining of the night Shizuo kept watch on the Big Foot researchers and whatever threats might lurk in the wild.

"I'll believe it when I see it."

They were on the road and had just passed a sign indicating that the Golden Gate bridge was finally at hand. But Izaya remained suspicious.

"They probably got that in this city we're going to."

Izaya's eyes were glued to the window and he did not unglue them now.

"Be a bit more vague, please. Challenge my psychic powers."

"I mean that, the anal probes."

"Oh bother, not that again- look, look, we're here!"

They crossed the bridge at a snail's pace but for once Izaya was not annoyed. Tom sighed in relief, finally the city was within sight and he could hardly wait to dash to the airport.

"Shizu-chan, do you know what the Golden Gate is famous for?"

"Bridge for the gay?"

"Don't be silly. It's the number one site for suicides! Guess what spot is number two?"

"Your apartment."

Izaya was too busy going from one window to the next to stop.

"Aren't you hilarious. It's the Aokigahara forest near mount Fuji."

"Oh yeah, you talked about that before. Are those folks you talk into killing themselves? And what are you looking for, a jumper?"

Shizuo meant it as a joke of sorts but Izaya took it seriously.

"Wouldn't that be wonderful! Ah, it's been so long since I saw a jumper. Makes me really miss home."

"Tch, seriously messed up."

Tom had to agree but he was now doing his utmost to keep the lowest profile possible.

"Oh look, fog! It's the famous San Francisco fog!"

Shizuo peered out the window where thickening trails of white fluff smudged everything.

"Can't see a thing."

"So many things to see in San Fran! Oh joy!"

Even before the caravan stopped Izaya was already revving to explore the city but Shizuo was not about to let that happen.

"Here, wear this."

Izaya wrinkled his noise at a shapeless garment Shizuo handed him.

"What is this supposed to be? A burlap sack?"

"That's right."

"Why should I wear it? Why should anyone wear it, let alone someone as sexy as me."

"It's 'cuz you're sexy you're wearing it. Got it, Izaya?"

Izaya got it.


	95. Chapter 95

As soon as they hit the city Izaya became frenetic. Not even the burlap sack at all deterred him. He ran ahead of Shizuo, arms thrown in the air, swaying crazily.

"Will you slow down already!"

"Not going to happen, Shizu-chan~!"

Shizuo remained gloomy. Big cities all blended into one and he even as Izaya raced up extremely steep streets and gesticulated at quaint cable cars Shizuo still did not see a great different between this particular city and any other he had seen. They were all crowded, polluted, full of buildings and far too noisy. The potential for things that made him furious was multiplied tenfold.

Shizuo was brooding about the curse of urban dwellings when he found himself in the middle of dense fog. He waved his arms to dispel the gauzy white veils and by the time it became clear enough to see Izaya was long gone. Shizuo cursed under his breath.

Had Izaya tried to ditch Shizuo as he had planned odds are it would have resulted in failure as usual. As it turned out Izaya was now free of Shizuo. It called for a celebratory dance that he kept brief.

Here he was, alone in one of the most vibrant cities in the world. The first thing he had to do was get rid of the ridiculous sack. Removing the weave would come later as it was time consuming and he suspected this period of grace would be short lived.

Of course there was a problem: Izaya's current lack of funds. The burlap sack did not even have pockets so he was without as much as a cent. Izaya wondered what to do next.

**

Meanwhile Shizuo wandered in the fog, looking a bit aimlessly for Izaya. He emerged at a spacious green area by the bay. It was the kind of place Shizuo liked and before he knew it he was watching this lady presenting something or other for a crowd of equally well groomed ladies.

Shizuo was intrigued and the language barrier being absolute (Tom seemed to have disappeared and no one knew where Shingen had gone to) he had no clear idea of what was going on. Until Martha Stewart (who just so happened to be the lady in question) produced an instrument that Shizuo assumed to be an anal probe.

"Woah, American women sure are bold."

**

It did not take long for Izaya to realize what he needed to do. He had to locate some of those crazy Japanophiles and get them to buy him clothes. It was semi dangerous as they were sure to hound him and he might fare better to simply let the trap factor tide him over. Pretending to be a girl was not even difficult.

His unorthodox outfit brought made him more conspicuous than even the more revealing of clothes. Ironically enough Shizuo had apparently not considered that. All around people stared at him.

Izaya spotted just what he needed across the street: a manga store.

**

Shizuo was more than a bit curious about the anal probe. He wanted to ask but with no interpreter available he could only wonder. Shizuo stood out as much as Izaya in the burlap sack. Big brooding men of the hunky type were hardly a staple in Martha Stewart's world.

"We need a volunteer. How the blonde gentleman?"

Martha addressed Shizuo and he got the gist of it, more or less. Clearly the Americans knew he was interested in the anal probe and were about to teach him about it. Very nice of them, he thought.

"Lady, just so you know I don't speak no English."

"Oh my, a round of a applause for our Asian friend."

People clapped. Shizuo blinked.

"How does it work, the anal probe?"

**

"O-ha-you~~!"

While Shizuo was honest about his poor English skills, Izaya downplayed his to the point of absurdity. Nevermind that it was no longer morning. He channeled genki-ness as he skipped into the store and made pretty doe eyes at any male in sight.

Things were going his way, soon enough some random fellow was willing to buy him some clothes. Unfortunately said new clothes were a sailor fukku high school uniform. Izaya stared at it on the hanger, he should have known this was hardly a normal store, and sighed deeply.

There was no choice.

**

"You press here, like this."

Martha exemplified. Shizuo nodded. He was so focused that the crowd whispered about his 'Asian intensity'.

"I'm so going to use this on Izaya. Thanks a bunch, lady."


	96. Chapter 96

"And with this everything becomes delicious."

Here was one of the few words of the English language that Shizuo was familiar with. He had heard Izaya go about it so many times as of late that could not fail to recognize it.

"'Delicious', huh...Izaya is always going on about that."

"What country does our friend come from?"

Shizuo blinked. Even if he had understood he would be hard pressed to realize that he was supposed to be 'our friend'. Martha grew even sweeter, her voice very warm.

"Martha, America. You?"

This much Shizuo could handle.

"Japan."

She gasped happily.

"Oh my, how fortunate! We were just about to do some _suki-"_

Shizuo halted her with a gesture before she should get to the other syllables, namely _'yaki_. He coughed and acted most grave.

"Now lady, you look real good for your age- no saying you're old but for an _oba-san _you're real good looking but I'm not into that kind of thing. Besides, I got a boyfriend. A lousy, annoying, dishonest, trollish and plain evil boyfriend but that's Izaya for you."

Shizuo was very impressed. How bold of a woman to confess to someone half her age but then again he supposed it was to be expected of a lady that was so open in discussion anal probes.

It was Martha's time to blink. She could not even begin to decipher this rant so she addressed the audience.

"Isn't it a beautiful language? It's almost as if every other sentence is a haiku."

.

Izaya seemed bent on both proving Martha right on this regard while undercutting her point entirely. And all this on another part of town.

"You people are so lame that you actually devolved from having been slugs in a former life, _de gozaimasu."  
><em>  
>Izaya smiled beautifully. Over the last half an hour he had piled insult upon insult, speaking very rapidly and easily evading the otakus' ten word vocabulary of the Japanese language. It was so easy that it was almost a shame. As fun as it was he was now getting bored.<p>

He needed some money to see some sights and ditch these fellows pronto. He considered stealing them, no great problem there in actually doing the deed but he greatly feared the American police and had heard nothing but horror stories about the prison system. While he had a much more realistic perspective of the country than Shizuo (who more or less believed Americans were like in the movies; Dr. Phil's crazy tour of the country had been so contrived as to reinforce this idea more than anything else) he too had his misgivings.

Perhaps he had watched too much OZ but he was not taking any chances.

Izaya considered using his 'me-family-so-poor-we-live-rice-paddy-please-help' but there were a few problems (the moral one did not count): they might cling even more to him and Izaya was a bit fearful of letting show he spoke any English lest they realized he understood them.

He could also hitchhike to a Japanese representative and state his case but he suspected this would not work. And as he weighted his options he had to keep up smiling ever so brightly. It was getting very tiring.

In the end he opted for simplicity itself. He beamed at a clambering cable car and they caught the drift right away. They paid him a fare and as Izaya stepped aboard he 'accidentally' lost his balance which caused them to fall backwards and straight out of the car and into the street.

Izaya refrained from smiling as they made a useless effort to chase the car.

_"Sa-yo-na-ra~~!"  
><em>  
>As soon as they were no longer in sight he cheered inwardly and glued himself to a window. Izaya could not quite lean against it as he wanted lest he ended up flashing the entire car but it was still very enjoyable to see the city slide past him, the wind on his absurdly long hair, people staring at him in wonder.<p>

He was lucky they had picked a school uniform instead of, say, a maid outfit. Izaya could not exactly blend in into a crowd (then again, he was too fabulous for that) but at least his clothes were not entirely unwearable. Even if cosplay sailor fuku skirts were always at least half an inch too short than the genuine article.


	97. Chapter 97

Shizuo watched Martha then make _sukiyaki _and tasted it with great appreciation for her culinary talent.

"I gotta say, cake is better but this is good too. You have some skills, lady."

"I just remembered, New Years is just around the corner. It's a very important celebration in Asia, isn't it? Why don't you tell us more about it."

Since Shizuo did not understand Martha drew 2012 on a piece of paper.

"Aha, the new year, huh. In Japan we take it real seriously. I heard on TV something how in the West you're supposed to have borrowed things on New Years so I decided to get this."

And he produced a pair of lacy panties from a pocket.

"Oh my!"

"It's Izaya's, that's the kind of person he is. I can't just wear this cuz it's not manly so I'm gonna put it over my head to wear like a hat. Like this."

Shizuo proceeded to do just that. Everyone was varying degrees of amused, shocked, and plain confused. As was a Japanese representative who just so happened to turn on the television on this particular moment.

Apparently no one had told Shizuo 'something stolen' did not quite match 'something borrowed' but since he meant to give the panties back and the main idea was to piss off Izaya he saw no big problem.

.

Izaya was lucky in that his ticket fare covered the whole day as long as he did not leave the car. Clearly the tourism bureau had not accounted for intrepid Japanese crossdressers whose idea of fun was riding the cable car up and down, repeatedly, all over town, never bothering to stop at one of the many stops.

Izaya was having a load of a fun. It has been a long time since he had gone so long without being harassed by Shizuo or being troubled by the Dr. Phil/Shingen tag team. If possible he would like the car to move faster but still, there was a sense of speed as it made its way down crazily steep streets.

Izaya's happiness increased as the Golden Gate came into view. With some luck he might very well see a jumper especially considering how bad the economy was these days. Izaya had no qualms in anticipating such a wondrous event.

Unfortunately for him but fortunately to people in general no such thing happened. It took Izaya a while to realize he was getting bored. And he was not one to find repetitive activities less than highly entertaining. But something was missing here. He thought about it and was still trying to figure it out when the cable took a turn and after a sharp descent slid along a lower area greenery by the bay.

And there was Shizuo, a pair of lacy white panties on his head, talking to Martha Stewart. Izaya was not even as surprised as he would otherwise had been had this happened before their crazy tour of America.

Izaya daintily jumped off even before the car came to a complete halt. Here was what he needed to enjoy himself: Heiwajima Shizuo. There was no denying it, bonus points for hilarious situations: this one might very well take the cake. And quite literally, too. For Izaya spotted a huge cake backstage.

From its sheer size Izaya surmised that it was hollow and could contain a person and he was correct. It took precious little to find out who was supposed to jump out of the cake and convince her that plans had changed and that Izaya was the replacement. At times it was just too easy.

The cake was wheeled unto set just as Shizuo up and placed the lingerie on his head and it was into awkward silence that Izaya jumped out in his ever so flamboyant way.

"Shizu-chan! ...what the hell...?"

"Oh look, cake and Izaya. Together. Sweet."

Before Martha could say a thing about this added piece of weirdness- how often did pretty Asian sailor girls burst out of cakes, anyway- Shizuo gave her more reasons to gasp and 'Oh my' by kissing Izaya firmly on the mouth.

"Those are _my _panties, give them back!"

"Course they're yours, I don't wear no panties. I'm manly."

"...and you say I'm a perv."

"And what are you wearing? Sailor fuku?"

"That's right. Now vanilla flavored."

"Tch, I told you to wear the sack and you go and dress up like a slut."

"And fancy you running into good old Martha Stewart, I guess jail birds do flock together."

"What you babbling on about? Martha-san is a good person."


	98. Chapter 98

"I'm sure she is. Doesn't change that she's an ex-con."

Shizuo studied Izaya's odd outfit in the very fixed way he had adopted for staring ever so intently at Izaya. Without a warning Shizuo placed his hands on Izaya's chest. Izaya raised an eyebrow.

"What are you doing?"

"You're doing it wrong. You're supposed to go, 'kya! Pervert!' and then kick me so I can get to see your panties."

"What kind of strange world do you live in? And you're already wearing my underwear over your head."

"That's different from actually seeing them on you."

"Ah...anyway, paws off."

"So you do wear a bra. Kinky."

Meanwhile Martha and her entourage stared in absolute shock. Apparently groping in public was matter of fact for these beautiful if very very strange foreigners. She tiptoed to Izaya.

"Excuse me, I am so sorry to interrupt. I don't suppose you speak English?"

"You're in luck!"

"Oh my. Are you the girlfriend?"

"I guess you could say that. Ah, I see, you must be rather shocked. Boob squeezing is a greeting in Japan."

"How interesting! Cultures are so different around the world."

Izaya was on a roll.

"It was originally a fertility rite. Men would check out their women's breasts for suppleness."

Martha did not know what to say to this. Clearly Asia was a land of mysterious costumes.

"Did you get here on a ship?"

"Yes! Sailed all the way from Japan, I did."

Shizuo was a bit annoyed, he had barely cared for the linguistic barrier but the moment Izaya got so friendly chatting away with Martha he left behind.

"Dunno what you're going on ahead but it's time for the anal probe."

"The anal probe...?"

"That's right. I got one right here."

Shizuo picked it up from the counter. It was Izaya's turn to stare in silence.

"That's a pastry bag. For piping icing on cakes."

"Hmm...you think?"

"I know. And why would there be an anal probe here anyway? Does Martha here look like someone who'd use such a thing? The American public would freak out. It's a cooking show! No anal probes need apply."

"But she was saying 'delicious' this and 'delicious' that. I say it's an anal probe."

Izaya picked up the bag and gently squeezed a fluffy white foam.

"See? Icing, icing. Why do I have to even explain this? Don't you remember I used one of these to ice your cake?"

But Shizuo's mind was moving in many directions at the same time. Disappointment did not even last long as he saw the many possibilities here.

"Yeah...we could work with this. By the way, what happened to 'La Kanra doesn't jump out of cakes, she's too classy?'"

Izaya coughed.

"I am an adaptable person."

"Now that you mention it, I guess it's kinda like that thingy you used for the cake but it looks different. It's okay if it ain't an anal probe, we can still work this."

"Do I want to know...? And I can't believe you forgot I baked you a cake and even iced your name. In _kanji._"

"Nah. I'll never forget that. And now you even jumped out of a cake for me."

Shizuo took a while studying Izaya anew. It was enough to make Izaya slightly uncomfortable.

"Oy, you don't have to make it sound all lovey-dovey like that. Making it sound like I go around doing things for you."

"You kinda do, every now and then. It's real sweet. So now I'm gonna bake you a cake."

Izaya sniggered.

"Is this so we'll be even?"

"Nah. It's cuz I want to."

"This I've got to see."

Izaya turned to Martha.

"My boyfriend will attempt making me a cake."

"Oh my, how lovely!"

"I wonder how lovely it will be..."

Shizuo was contemplating some pots and about to pour a liberal and more or less random portion of flour while he eyed a couple of eggs. Izaya sensed disaster in the making.

Martha too watched in fascination as Shizuo went about guessing what to do next.

"It's easier to eat than to make the cake."

"I've said so on more than one occasion, haven't I? Oy, Shizu-chan, don't manhandle the ingredients."

Shizuo had just smashed an egg as he tried to break it. He tried it again with the same results.

"How come it's so difficult, you make it look real easy. Maybe it's cuz you're easy."

"Why do you have to be so rude?"


	99. Chapter 99

Shizuo added a liberal dose of sugar.

"Cake gotta be sweet."

"Am I supposed to actually eat that...?"

"Of course."

Izaya was not looking forward to this. Shizuo fidgeted with the oven but managed to somehow make it work. He presented a melting mess of pastry.

"It looks like something straight out of Chernobyl."

"I cooked from the heart so it's okay. It is important to try one's best."

"Ah...you eat it, then. You know I'm not a cake person anyway."

Shizuo loomed, suddenly all too close for comfort.

"It's part of being a couple. You made me a cake and now I made you a cake."

"Except my cake was a prodigy of baking skill and yours is a nuclear meltdown."

"You can't tell without even tasting."

Izaya wrinkled his nose. He cut the tiniest of portions with one of Martha's dainty forks and nibbled at it.

"It's passable, I suppose."

Shizuo allowed himself a smug smile.

"Damn right. Needs milk."

And Shizuo promptly dumped a whole bottle of milk on the cake.

"Now you ruined it."

Without further ado Shizuo grabbed a handful of soaked cake and crammed it down Izaya's throat. Fortunately Izaya half-expected it and rose to the occasion most graciously with minimum spluttering.

"Woah, like I thought. You got no gag reflex."

Izaya spun around, caught the piping bag and readily aimed it at Shizuo, emptying it in one angry squeeze. Vanilla cream splattered all over Shizuo.

"IZAYA!"

"Serves you right for trying to choke me."

Shizuo was temporarily blind, vanilla having smudged the lenses of his glasses. Izaya burst out laughing in typical Izaya fashion. Martha commented,

"Isn't it adorable how playful they are?"

'Playful' and 'adorable' were clearly Martha euphemisms. Shizuo removed his glasses in attempt to gain some of his vision back and immediately Izaya aimed a spray of vanilla at his eyes.

"How many fingers am I holding, Shizu-chan!"

"You sneaky little!"

"Now, now, I'm sure Phil-sensei wouldn't like such language, by golly, m'kay!"

"Can't see!"

Izaya composed himself, as much as possible when he was soaked in vanilla, and addressed the camera in all seriousness in flawless English.

"Children, don't try this at home. We are trained professionals."

"Izaya!"

"Ah, I had missed this, I admit it! Nothing is sweeter than having you scream my name like that. It's almost sexy!"

Shizuo rubbed his eyes furiously. Everything was a white blur and he could hardly make out Izaya's gleeful self.

"It burns!"

"Oh, come on. There's no damage done."

At this point a very reluctant Tom arrived with the mission of guiding the amazing duo to the next destination. He thought he had seen it all and that Shizuo and Izaya (or the scary entity he was beginning to think of as 'Shizaya') but once again he was proven wrong. Not only were they both covered in vanilla as Izaya's clothes just so happened to be a skimpy sailor fuku. The effect was extraordinary and all the more so because Izaya's crazy laughter had just kicked up a notch while Shizuo bawled madly.

Tom was wise enough not to approach too readily. Meanwhile Shizuo was busy squinting and Izaya sobered up a bit.

"Shizu-chan? Oy, don't be a sissy. Here, let me help."

Izaya reached for a kitchen cloth and wetting it proceeded to gently wipe the vanilla from Shizuo's face. Tom noticed that Shizuo just so happened to be wearing panties over his head. It was so weird that he had to comment.

"What's up with the lingerie hat...?"

"Tom-san! Shizu-chan, your handler is here!"

"Tom-san! Did you see, Izaya attacked me!"

Tom knew that the argument was about to escalate into the usual epic scale.

"You guys, we have to go to Japantown right about now. I'm sure you can get new clothes there."

"Yay for new clothes!"

Shizuo muttered something under his breath and then became very respectful as he bowed to Martha Stewart. It surprised her greatly.

"Martha-san, you are a very nice lady. And I'm sure you know how to keep a tidy and pretty house, that's real amazing,"

"Hmph, I can keep a house just as well if not better."

"No one's talking to you."


	100. Chapter 100

Tom could only guess why Izaya chose this particular bone to pick. Maybe it was just Izaya and any and all issues were rife for confrontation. Tom knew better than trying to at all understand the wacky wonder that was Orihara Izaya.

"My apartment just so happens to be sleek and modern with beautiful streamlined furniture. My taste in furnishing just so happens to be impeccable."

"Oh yeah?"

"Indeed."

"And you can bake a killer cake."

"Absolutely delicious, yes."

Izaya could not resist flattery.

"Hmm...you'll make a good housewife, then. That's good."

"'Housewife'? I'll have you know that my apartment has won several design awards. In fact, it even featured on a magazine."

Izaya managed to get a member of Martha's staff to lend him a iphone and he gingerly set to finding a picture of his ever so amazing apartment. This required washing his hands and took a while for the vanilla to wash away.

Izaya made a show of displaying his apartment to Martha-san.

"Oh my, is this your home?"

"That's right. That's in Shinjuku, Tokyo, mind you. It's one of the choicest pieces of real estate in the whole world."

If Shizuo could have understand he would have mumbled something to the effect of Izaya going about his landed property with obsessive gloating. Martha studied it as one who knew all there was to know about furniture.

"That is a beautiful house but it doesn't feel like a home. It lacks, how should I put it, a human element?"

Tom translated. To Shizuo's surprise Izaya narrowed his eyes in his trademark threatening manner, his voice bordering on icy.

"Now listen to me, lady. It's called minimalism and it's a very Japanese style that just so happens to be full of love for manking. I won't have you or anyone else telling me that I lack in my sense of humanity. And I particularly won't listen to a lady who thinks decorating your summer villa by hanging fish on the wall is 'stylish' and 'homely' when everyone knows fish exists for the purpose of feeding me."

Tom knew he should not translate this oddball diatribe but he could could not help it, he was too curious to see how Shizuo would react. And Shizuo reacted by frowning menacingly.

"Oy, Izaya...how come you know what Martha-san hangs on her summer place? Are you some kind of stalker?"

"Er, no. No, I'm not. I saw on TV along with millions of other people."

"Martha's show is like about home keeping and stuff, huh...didn't think you'd watch that kind of thing. Guess you really take home keeping seriously."

"Anyone who bothers to buy an apartment in Shinjuku and does not invest into making it as stylishly modern as possible does not deserve to own it anyway."

"Hmm...I guess. So you're not just a housewife, you're like the queen of all housewives. Man, I kind like that."

Izaya rolled his eyes and would have embark in some rant or another were it not for Tom.

"We really have to get going."

Shizuo parted with Martha with plenty of deep bowing.

.

"Kimonos again?"

Shizuo shrugged and slipped into his dark blue kimono.

"Gotta be kimonos for New Year's."

Izaya did not particularly care for another pink kimono but a closer inspection revealed a trim of fluffy white fur. And the obi matched.

"Nice, very nice!"

Dr. Phil had not disappeared from the scene, just like Izaya suspected. Instead he was biding his time and deliberately stringing them along. He now communicated with Izaya and Shizuo via a card explaining what they were supposed to do for New Years. Izaya read it out loud.

"Listen to this Shizu-chan, 'During the last hour of the year y'all will be answering love queries sent by Dr. Phil viewers. How well you do will attest to your progress as a well balanced couple.'"

"Now that's not gonna work."

Shizuo was, of course, right.


	101. Chapter 101

And so it came to be that Shizuo and Izaya found themselves sitting under a cherry tree, arranged very much like traditional dolls. The place was a luxurious inner garden, the weather calibrated to an eternal spring. A cloudy mess of pink flowers formed a beautiful backdrop.

Izaya kept a solemn classic posture while Shizuo tried his best to appear aloof and cool.

"_Hajimemashite._ I am Orihara Izaya, this is Heiwajima Shizuo. We will be your hosts for this night as we approach the year of the dragon. Without further ado, I will begin answering your letters. 'Dear Dr. Phil, I am a guy with a problem: I am in love with a lesbian. I know she will never love me, what should I do?"

Izaya spoke in English and Tom translated for Shizuo's sake. And then he had to translate Shizuo and Izaya's banter. And he was not getting paid either.

"You gotta give up on the lady gay and wish her the best, she ain't for you."

"Nonsense. You trap it out, if you're convincing enough you'll at least get laid."

"That's lying. And it won't even work,"

"It depends on how traplicious one is."

Shizuo shook his head and folded his arms. The long sleeves made him look wise and noble.

"That don't matter. The lady gay doesn't like this guy 'cuz he's a guy. In the end it won't work."

Izaya shrugged.

"Nothing can be achieved without risking something."

"Lying ain't good and that's that."

"The Draconian oracle has spoken. Next, 'I've been dating my girlfriend for six months now. I really want to have sex but she says she is saving herself for marriage. What should I do?' Why, that's simple: dump her. The real question is, why on earth did you date someone that long without sex? So odd."

"You don't get anything, she has a point. If he loves her he'll do the right thing and wait. It's all about respect."

"Ah...right...anyway, next. 'I'm a pansexual and,'"

Shizuo gesticulated and nearly entangled himself in the long sleeves.

"What?! What's this about having sex with bread?! Tch, that's messed up. Real messed up. You do that too?"

Shizuo cast a furtive looks at Izaya who was by now giggling.

"Oh you silly one. Not 'pan' as in 'bread'; it's 'pan' like 'all',"

"That's even worse, what is wrong with people?!"

"Shizu-chan, 'pansexuality' is being attracted to people regardless of gender. Let's just skip this one before you get all crazy on me. Someone asks, 'Where is Kasuka? I miss him'. We don't know. Thing is Kasuka is a dark overlord and we never know his precise whereabouts."

"Yeah, I miss him too..."

Shizuo actually sighed. Izaya rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. Oh look, the next one is for you. 'Dear Mister Shizuo, you're very manly and I can relate to that. I saw you in drag and wanted to know how do you channel your feminine side? I've been trying to get in touch with my feminine side but it's not working, being a truck driver stereotypes one so much."

Shizuo blinked a few times.

"Dunno."

"...that's all?"

"Yeah, I dunno. Just needed to get you that bloody fish or you'd annoy me. Dunno about being in touch with feminine side or anything like that."

"Right. Okay, next, 'Dear Izaya, my boyfriend told me to get breast implants. What should I do?' Tell him you'll consider it when he manages to make you come every single time you have sex."

"Dump him, he don't love you if all he cares is about the boobs."

"Breasts are like cocks: it's a matter of quality above quantity."

Tom wasn't exactly sure they could say 'cock' on TV. But he translated anyway. Odds are they were going to edit things anyway.

"Yeah, I guess that's true. But my thing is pretty big if I can say so myself."

Izaya coughed.

"Good for you."

"More like good for you. You get to enjoy my big cock."

"...moving on. Oh, this one is fun: 'I'm gay and am getting married next month. So far we haven't got any ideas for what do to for the ceremony, do you have any suggestions?' First of all allow me to feel sorry for you, marriage is fun for the first two weeks or so. Then it becomes hell. As for suggestions,"

"What do you know about marriage? You've never married."


	102. Chapter 102

"One doesn't need to have firsthand experience to know such things. I've gathered enough information to know what I am talking about."

"Not everyone is like you. For the wedding, get a real big cake. It's important to have a big cake. Yeah."

"Ah...obsession much? I say, go with a traditional Japanese mock wedding if you can. The clothes are very cool. Besides, it'll be all the talk in your circle of friends because it's ever so exotic."

Shizuo rubbed his chin very thoughtfully and stared at Izaya at length.

"Yeah, that would work."

"Oy, Shizu-chan? What are you thinking about?"

"A traditional Japanese wedding is cool, I agree with you. Then you get that big hat thing on your head,"

"Er, this isn't about me."

"But keep the fur out of it, I don't like it."

"Are you even listening?"

"Man, this is a strange country. The gays getting married, it's all good."

"Amazing how your views took a turn for the liberal, isn't it?"

"Definitely with the white hat thing."

"It's a headdress, not a 'hat thing' as you so crudely put it."

"Whatever you call it, it'd look pretty on you."

"Right...next, 'The girl I am interested in keeps treating me badly, she insults and stalks out of the room every now and then. Could it be that she actually loves me down deep and is just going all _tsundere_ on me?' Eh, no. Let me tell you something, American-san: _tsundere _do not actually exist in the 3D world. If someone acts like they dislike you they probably do dislike you."

"Yeah, all that hate ain't good for you. Too much violence."

Izaya rolled his eyes in his exaggerated way. Tom decided he might as well make an attempt at figuring out this ever so odd relationship.

"But can you guys tell for sure? I mean, look at you...you're insulting each other more often than not and it seems you do like each other...somehow."

Tom trailed off as if asking a question.

"That is entirely different. Of course it would never do to treat Shizuo fairly, he'd walk all over me then and next thing I know I'd be his sex slave."

"It's the other way around, you sleezy slut you! No way, if I'm nice to Izaya he'll screw me over even more."

"Ah...I see..."

With that said Tom did not at all see.

"Besides, from the letter I gathered that this fellow actually acts nice to this girl and she still behaves as if she hates his guts. While with us the hostility is mutual."

Shizuo nodded, fully endorsing Izaya's claims and thus proving they could indeed agree on some things, namely their lack of agreement on most things.

"That's right, we gotta have some, what Dr. Phil calls 'emotional leverage'. Otherwise we're dead meat."

"As you can see we have thought this over, Tom-san."

"Thought I couldn't think."

"Of course you can think, Shizu-chan. Gorillas have been known to display thought-like capacity."

"So now I'm a gorilla?!"

"I said no such thing, why must you insist on abusive inference?"

"Abusive what...? I don't even know what you mean. Are you gonna start screaming 'rape' again?"

"I endure suffering with composure and grace."

"Ah...you bitch when you break a nail and throw a fit if you ain't got that fresh fish you like so much."

"It just so happened that I have a sense of my personal dignity."

Shizuo snorted.

"Yeah, like hell! You moan like a whore in bed and that's a fact. You're completely without shame."

"So much for your liberal attitude. I'll have you know that it's perfectly normal to express sexual pleasure vocally."

"Man, the things you manage to say with a straight face! Ha, so you're admitting I'm good in bed."

Izaya folded his arms ever so gracefully, the long sleeves shining beautifully in the shaded light.

"Your ego is so dependent on sexual performance."

"Tch, says the guy who sleeps with everyone, everywhere!"

Tom could not help but adding,

"Even with bread?"

"With bread!"

"Tom-san, do refrain from unnecessary comments. And no, I do not have sex with bread. That I have even have to say it is very telling. Anyway, moving on: 'My girlfriend found my stash of hentai porn, she now thinks I'm a pervert. What can I do to convince her I'm a normal guy?' I am confused, Anon-san, are you saying that you are a normal guy or do you want help lying to her in a convincing manner?"


	103. Chapter 103

Shizuo listened to the translation with a deepening frown.

"Messed up, the whole deal. I've seen this hentai shit when I collect from shady folk and it ain't pretty. Like, girls with dicks and tentacles. What is wrong with people."

"For once I must say I concur. You probably are a pervert. My advice: forget about creepy dick girls, if you're into dicks you should just go for real life traps."

"Don't think his girlfriend would like that any better."

"Tough luck."

"You're not into hentai? Thought it was totally your thing."

"Well, it isn't. I am very selective in my porn. Too many ugly men in hentai for my taste not to mention absurd anatomy and overall creepinees. Count me out."

"So you watch porn for the guys as well?"

"As a matter of fact I do. Why, got a problem with that?"

"Tch, society is going to hell when people like you run the show."

"You know, I'm surprised that you aren't into hentai. I figured you'd feel some kinship with tentacle monsters and the like."

"IZAYA!"

"SHIZUO!"

Shizuo blinked in dismay.

"What are you doing?"

"Making a point. See how obnoxious it is when someone screams your name like that?"

"Oh yeah, it kinda is."

"There you go. Will you stop doing it from now on?"

"Nah, cuz you deserve it."

Tom could see this about to degenerate into a shouting contest as it tended to happen, his auricular informed him it was time to move the show to the next segment. Fortunately the same information was fed to Izaya, unfortunately it was also fed to Shizuo.

"What the! There are voices in my head!"

"That explains so much, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo flailed wildly.

"No! You don't get it!"

"Are the voices saying it's time we introduce _karuta _to audience?"

"How...how did you know?!"

"Thing is, I am God and I am directly speaking into your mind,"

Tom had to say something.

"It's the auricular..."

"Oh. Right. IZAYA!"

"Tch, why must you rain on my parade, Tom-san? And will you stop screaming my name already!"

Staff provided the tatami mat and the card. Tom got stuck as the reader and this time around he was going to demand payment. Izaya smiled beautiful at the camera.

"We will know play a game of _karuta_. As I suspect most of our viewers are not familiar with it, let me summarize. As you can see we use these pretty cards each of which has a short famous poem dating from our Medieval times. There are variations to the theme but that's how it's usually done. The gist of it is to quickly ascertain what card out of the whole array is required and grab it before your opponent does. A reader, Tom-san will do for tonight, will pick cards at random and read them in the traditional singsong way. We then compete to identify said cards as fast as possible and claim them by touching them."

"This brings back memories, I remember playing _karuta _at school. Back in middle school, before I met you."

"Right...wonderful days those must have been, I bet. By the way, did you know there is a deck just with folklore monsters? _Obake karuta_. They could add a Heiwajima Shizuo themed card."

"You just shut your trap and play."

"Everyone at home must be thinking, 'that sounds really boring'. Well, it isn't. It's epic. Go read _Chihaya _if you don't believe me. Don't forget that Japan is the country that made writing names on a notebook absolutely epic."

"Didn't that kill people, though...?"

"That's right, Tom-san. Fact remains, we make everything epic. So, let us play!"

Tom sighed.

"Why do I have to be the reader...?"

"Because there is no one else around that can do it."

There were of course plenty of Japanese speakers but Tom knew it was no use. Before he got as much as a syllable out Shizuo jumped to his feet and held the tatami over his head.

"Rar! So there!"

"...'rar'? Oy, Shizu-chan, what on Earth are you doing?"

Shizuo gave him a very smug smile. It looked oddly sexy combined with the kimono.

"I'm tired of losing, no way you can win now!"

"Eh, because I can't even reach the cards...?"

"That's right."

"You can't win either that way, actually we can't even play _karuta_ like that! Or anything at all, for that matter!"


	104. Chapter 104

Izaya knew there was no point but he still jumped in an attempt to touch the now elusive cards. His very long sleeves fluttered prettily as he stretched his arms to no avail.

"Damn straight. I ain't losing to you again."

"For heaven's sake, what are you? One of those annoying _shounen _characters that throw fit whenever they lose at whatever? Put down the cards already!"

"Make me."

At this point a panel popped open on the floor and out of it emerged Kasuka, wearing a _miko _outfit.

"Kasuka! You're a _miko_...? Do they have male _mikos_...?"

"Hello, nii-chan. New Years means pretty _miko_ priestesses and I am prettier than any actual _miko_."

"Ah..."

In his confusion Shizuo forgot about the _karuta _conflict and put down the tatami. Izaya hopped over to Kasuka.

"My, you sure look the part! I wish I had thought of dressing up as a _miko _myself."

"It's alright. Fur kimono is very cool. Happy new year."

Ever so gracefully Kasuka knelt and bowed to the floor. Izaya did the same.

"Happy new year."

Feeling very awkward at the sudden formality of it all Shizuo found himself going through the moves even though he knew it was hell on the knees. Shizuo coughed to get his brother's attention, having in mind some edification.

"Now Kasuka, I'm not too sure I approve of you dressing up like a girl."

"Why? Your boyfriend does it all the time."

"That's different. Izaya has no morals so that's the way he is."

Kasuka produced a revolving drum.

"I have brought fortunes, very accurate ones."

"How delightfully archaic."

Still Izaya spun the drum.

"Five. I shall read your fortune: 'Very lucky'."

Kasuka handed him an absurdly long scroll that unfurled all the way to the floor despite containing such a laconic message. Izaya blinked at it.

"Eh, Kasuka-san, aren't these things usually more detailed?"

"Yes. But I made these ones myself."

"Ah...that's why it's so concise."

"Yes. I blessed them, too."

"I see..."

"Congratulations. Next, nii-chan."

Shizuo decided that dressing up as a _miko _was not entirely immoral since Kasuka was, after all, an actor.

"How cool, personalized fortunes made by my own brother! Let me see what I'll get,"

Shizuo drew with great care as if his actual future was indeed on the line.

"A thousand and four. I shall read your fortune: 'Worst Luck in the World..'"

"'Worst Luck in the World'...?"

Izaya giggled manically and pointed at Shizuo in a most dramatic fashion, kimono sleeves unfurling.

"Heh, now that's really awful, Shizu-chan! And a thousand and four? Just how many fortunes did you write, Kasuka-san?"

"It's a secret. Next, Tom-san."

Tom would rather not draw at all but he supposed he might as well get it over with.

"Four hundred and four."

"And...?"

Izaya bounced.

"I get it! Your fortune has 404'ed!"

Tom's confusion increased.

"Yes. Four hundred and four means that due to technical problems we cannot access your fortune."

Izaya jumped around Tom.

"Draw again, Tom-san, draw again! It's like refreshing."

Kasuka stepped in front of Izaya and would have collided if not for Izaya's amazingly quick reflexes.

"No one can draw twice. It goes against the rules."

"Oh well, I guess that's that. Shizu-chan, why so glum?"

Shizuo was still poring over the paper and moping.

"I'm gonna have a bad year, I just knew it. Cuz I'm stuck with you."

Izaya stopped his crazy jumping around and pointed at Shizuo with much flair. One of the wonderful things about kimono sleeves was that every gesture if done properly became very dramatic in effect.

"For shame, Shizu-chan. Haven't you been reading all that pop American psychology as of late? Didn't it teach you that you make your destiny? So what if your fortune is bad! You're in charge of your own fate, not some piece of paper."

"But Kasuka made the fortune,"

"What do you think your brother is trying to tell you with this shoddy fortune? He's spurring you on to claim your own destiny."


	105. Chapter 105

"Hey, that's pretty cool..."

Tom wondered if Kasuka had rigged the drum but he realized such methods were beneath him. Kasuka simply manipulated chaos theory if need be.

"Say that you're the heir of an old sake house out in the middle of nowhere, do you succeed in the family business? No! You go to Tokyo, trap up like a sexy Gothic lolita and steal a kiss from your best friend who is also male. And why? Because you can!"

"Are we still talking about me...?"

"Well, no. But you get the point."

"Ah...I guess?"

Kasuka clapped.

"As expected from Orihara-san, so smart."

"I've been recruited by Mensa but I turned them down. They couldn't handle my sexy."

"Oy Izaya! Stop talking about shit- I mean things, I don't know about."

"Nii-chan, Mensa is an association for those who score highest on IQ levels. It is highly competitive and very difficult to enter."

"What does that have to do with being sexy?"

"Nothing."

"...I don't get it,"

"It's okay, nii-chan. There are things you are not supposed to understand. And now the countdown to the new year begins."

Izaya jumped around crazily, complete with flapping his long sleeved arms like wings.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, NEW YEAR! Wheee!"

Kasuka produced a bottle.

"I brought champagne to celebrate."

"No can do, I can't have Izaya drink. He's already weird enough sober. And Kasuka, you're still underage."

A bell tolled away. Everyone closed their eyes and bowed their heads for a while. It was over as soon as it began and Izaya made as if to snatch the bottle.

"Let us make a champagne pyramid!"

"Like in a host club?"

"Why, Shizu-chan. How odd that you should know about what goes on host clubs."

"When they don't pay their debts I gotta pay them a visit."

Kasuka clapped to get everyone's attention.

"We will now start the Relationship Rescue quiz. It has been designed to assess the progress of your relationship as a couple."

"Man, I'm no good at this kind of thing..."

"'Let's quiz', Shizu-chan!"

"It's alright, it's a multi-option quiz."

"Hmm...then I guess it's okay."

Izaya and Shizuo sat side by side under the very beautiful sakura tree. They looked so much like a classical couple that Tom found himself unable to look away.

"We begin: your boyfriend gives you a gift that you dislike. You, a)accept it and act as if you really loved it, b)accept it but act lukewarm so that he'll get the point, c)accept but give advice on what kind of gifts you like, d)don't accept and all, e)dump him in Tokyo Bay."

"Eh...isn't e) way too extreme?"

"It's gotta be e), yeah."

Izaya's eyebrow twitched.

"Thanks for letting me know. Not that I was going to give you a present but I sure as hell won't ever do it."

Izaya huffed, puffed and crossed his arms. The sleeves swished prettily.

"If you were a decent person I'd go with a) but you, being you, could give me stuff that turns out to be a bomb."

"Next question: your best friend tells you he isn't sure about your relationship with your boyfriend. You a) you flat out ignore your friend as it is not his business b)you don't accept it and tell him as such in a nice way as you know your friend wants the best for you, c)you give it some thought as you suspect your friend has a point, d)you grow suspicious of your best friend's motives as he may be out to steal your boyfriend e)you dump your best friend in Tokyo Bay."

"...Kasuka-san, you're going to add the 'dump in Tokyo Bay' option on every question, aren't you."

"Maybe."

"I take a). I decide who I date or don't date and no one can tell me otherwise."

"Yes. Orihara-san has no friends either."

Tom had a bad feeling about this particular question and judging by the way Shizuo had been glaring at him it turns out he was right.

"I've thought about this before. Tom-san's looks at Izaya every now and then. I don't like it. I _don't _like it."

Tom flailed. He could swear there was a glitter of glee in Kasuka's eyes.

"Eh, like I said before, I'm straight, completely straight. I have no interest in Izaya-san like that. If I stare at him it's because he's so flamboyant and crazy."


	106. Chapter 106

"Straight or not got nothing to do with it. He don't look like a guy either."

"Eh...but fact is, he is a guy, right?"

Izaya gesticulated wildly, pink and fur fluttering in the air.

"Why are you talking as if I wasn't present? Not to mention I am not crazy."

Kasuka knew this could easily escalate and he had already achieved his goal, namely of making Tom freak out. There was much demand for Tom freaking out. The Dr. Phil crowd saw a Tom as the adorable sidekick whose suffering brought plenty of laughs. It was not sadism if no one got hurt, after all. Also, 'Tom' was a name the audience recognized as male which could not be said for everyone else on the amazing Relationship Rescue show. A particular group of bingo players in Indiana, composed by old ladies, was firmly convinced that Izaya had to be a girl after all and no amount of denying or actual footage got it across them that 'Izaya' could possibly be a man's name. They believed the same about Kasuka. Over tea and crackers (a tradition passed on from the days of Mrs. Davies great-great-great English grandmother) they discussed the day's oddball highlights of the show and hoped it would end in a pretty wedding and chubby Chinese babies further down the line.

As for Kasuka, he did not care all that much about the audience's particular likes, it just so happened that enjoyed seeing being in general acting up and Tom was such an easy target.

Kasuka moved on:

"I am sure you are all getting hungry. It is time for the new year's meal."

Izaya bounced.

"Oh joy, that's a great idea. I've been craving some of those delicious mochi goodies."

"Yeah and mashed potato sweets."

Kasuka nodded and proceeded to demolish Izaya and Shizuo's culinary dreams.

"We will be having corndogs."

Kasuka produced a corndog. Izaya and Shizuo blinked. Shizuo was not even entirely sure he knew what this 'corndog' was. Izaya, however, knew all too well.

"Eh, Kasuka-san? Why are we eating...that?"

"We are sponsored by a corndog company. One must respect one's sponsors. Even use _keigo_ when announcing them."

A trolley stock loaded with corndogs rolled into view. Shizuo picked up one, making sure he held it by the right end. Izaya too picked one up and wrinkled his nose most emphatically.

"I'm supposed to eat this...?"

"Yes. Corndog."

Shizuo rubbed his chin very thoughtfully. He looked adorably anachronistic, blue kimono and hotdog on a stick.

"You call it 'dog', do Americans eat dog?"

Izaya rolled his eyes and pointed with Shizuo with the corndog.

"Don't be an idiot. Is there a real dog in 'hotdog'? No. This is the same. Except probably worse for your cholesterol."

Kasuka knew the conversation was about to spiral into dog meat, its merits or lack thereof, a topic that was bound to gross out the general American public and make the sponsors very antsy. They could cut off the translation but it was better to play it safe.

"Corndogs are made with a hundred percent pork meat."

Shizuo nibbled it. He did not find American food as distasteful as Izaya seemed to.

"Hey, not too bad. Not too bad at all. Got some whipped cream to go with it?"

"Have some extra batter."

Said batter was wheeled in and Shizuo promptly dipped his corndog. Izaya gagged.

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"If you're gonna throw up do it somewhere else, there's people eating here."

Izaya was more annoyed at Shizuo's brushing him off like this than at the actual food. Shizuo seemed far too focused on eating the corndog, and handing Tom one, then paying attention to Izaya's exaggerated reaction.

"Fine! But if you're into sucking on plastic phallic crap you might as well eat a dildo."

Izaya sauntered off away and sat aloof under the blooming cherry tree. He sat most formally. Tom waved in his direction, Izaya was too busy ignoring everyone.

"Is it okay to just leave him like that...?"

"This corndog stuff is good. Yeah, no problem. Izaya is like a cat, you can't keep a cat on your lap if he doesn't want to stay but if you let him go his way he'll come back on his own."

"Ah...so you're saying he's a pet of sorts...?"


	107. Chapter 107

"Kinda. I read in this Dr. Phil book that you should just not pay attention to little kids when they're throwing a fit. Cuz they do it for the attention, ignore them and the problem goes away."

"So he's a pet and a kid?"

Shizuo frowned in his trademark way.

"You make it sound weird."

"Nii-chan, peace offering."

Kasuka handed Shizuo an old fashioned _sake_ bottle and one cup. Shizuo contemplated it at length.

"Hmm...dunno about this, letting Izaya drink strikes me as a bad idea."

"That is sacred _sake_. I blessed it myself."

"Then I guess it's okay. It's a waste on him, though."

Tom waited until Shizuo was out of earshot to address Kasuka.

"Won't the sponsors be angry at the way Izaya reacted to the corndogs?"

"No problem. We cut to commercials a while back."

"...I see. And just how many bottles do you carry around?"

"Secret."

**

"Here. Special sacred sake, Kasuka blessed it."

Shizuo sat next to Izaya under the blooming sakura tree. Izaya cast a glance at it.

"You do realize your brother can't actually bless anything, right?"

"Be grateful for good _sake_."

Izaya uncorked the bottle and sniffed it. He perked up immediately.

"Now we're talking! This is the true spirit of New Years, Japanese drinks and all!"

Shizuo measured a shallow cup.

"One cup is all you're having."

Izaya drank it in one go.

"Hmm...sweet. Very high quality. Refill."

"No refill for you."

"Tch, you're not even drinking any yourself."

"I don't like alcohol. Besides we only got one cup. We ain't sharing cuz we're not yakuza and we aren't getting married either."

"Good point!"

Izaya's mood improved greatly and he cheered when Kasuka joined them to resume the amazing relationship quiz.

"Next question: your boyfriend's sex drive is a)I am very happy about it b)I have no complaints c)it could be better, could be worse d)he's way too oversexed e)he should be arrested for extreme sex drive."

"It's e), cuz Izaya is Izaya."

"Whatever happened to the 'Tokyo Bay' option? And I choose e). E)! Throw Shizu-chan in the slammer and throw away the key!"

"Always complaining."

"Next question: your boyfriend decides to switch positions in sex. Your reaction, a)No way in hell b)you consider it, perhaps it is just what you need c)you think it's a pretty good idea, actually d)you can hardly wait, yay e)dump him in Tokyo Bay."

"Just dumping him in Tokyo Bay isn't enough."

"Shizu-chan~...it's got to be f): in which I do you until you cry."

While Shizuo focused exclusively on his brother's oddball questions Izaya took a few swigs of the bottle. It resulted in his voice dropping a few notches to a creepily seductive tone, eyes glimmering most suggestively. Every female staff's heartbeat picked up a bit. Quite a few of the male staff, too.

"This is why you shouldn't drink, you get even weirder than usual."

"Say, Shizu-chan...it's about time you let me top you. You know it's meant to be."

To Tom's absolute amazement Shizuo scrambled away and hid behind Kasuka.

"Kasuka, exorcise him."

"I can't do that. Orihara-san isn't a demon nor is he possessed."

Izaya loosened his kimono just a tad and took a step in Shizuo's direction. Izaya's smile often took a turn for the threatening but at its most predatory it was extremely appealing.

"What the hell, stay away you rapist. I knew you were a rapist, I've been saying it-"

"Rape? Now, now, don't be like that. This is fate. Fate."

Kasuka sidestepped most deftly. So much for protecting nii-chan.

"Stay away, stay away! There's no way you're putting your, your- your thing- there, NO WAY IN HELL!"

"Ah, you know you want to try it."

"I bloody don't! What the hell happened to 'I have more fun bottoming'?!"

"Hmm...that's true but it just occurred to me. Just seeing the tears streaming down your face is such a turn on. It's beyond sex. Just thinking about it gets me all hot and bothered."

"Psycho rapist!"

Izaya passed his tongue over his lips. If he had his switchblade he would surely have licked it.

"Forget stabbing you, doing you is the ultimate high. I get to pop's Shizu-chan cherry~"

"Don't you come any closer!"

"Why so scared, Shizu-chan? I'm so weak and you're manly and strong."


	108. Chapter 108

With that said Izaya did not sound at all weak. He came across as absolutely confident. Still Tom had no clue as to why Shizuo was so befuddled.

"That's right! I'm manly, I ain't cute."

"That's not true. You're cute in a monstrous kind of way. Don't worry, I'll be very, very nice."

Shizuo choked.

"You say 'nice' but you mean you'll jump my bones!"

"I mean I'll make you come. Lots."

Shizuo fumbled for words for a while. All around the studio panties became wet. Izaya lightly caressed Shizuo's face.

"Eek!"

"I'll have to wear a condom, I'm sure I can handle your virgin ass but the tears will topple me over all too soon."

"What's the creepy honesty?! And why am I crying in this fantasy of yours?"

Izaya linked his hands and batted his eyelashes.

"That's because I'm that good. Ah, and you get to call me 'Master Izaya'."

"Why?! I thought you were all, 'it don't matter if you're a top or bottom, you can be in charge'. So what the hell is this 'Master Izaya' crap?!"

"I said something like that, yes. And I meant it: if I'm bottoming then bottoms are the best, if I'm topping then tops deserve respect and get to subjugate their bottoms."

Shizuo jabbed a finger at Izaya's direction and took some time huffing and puffing for words some more.

"Now you're showing your true colors! This is, it's, that- what's it called,"

"'Self-serving logic', nii-chan."

"That! That's what it is!"

"Shizu-chan, you were so interested in the anal probe, remember? It must mean that you want me to probe you. It's a subliminal kind of desire. Subconscious desire to be topped."

"You're just making up shit,"

"Hmm...I wonder about that. And don't worry, it won't hurt. Much."

In a fit of desperation Shizuo grabbed Tom and used him as a makeshift shield. Tom flailed to no avail, Shizuo was simply too physically overwhelming.

"Shizuo, what are you doing?!"

"Izaya is acting all scary like, it freaks me out!"

Implying that Tom was supposed to do something about it, somehow. Tom froze as Izaya got far too close for comfort. Tom had to hand it out to Izaya, he sure could ooze sex appeal and confidence.

"Hmm...Tom-san is very acceptable. I'd definitely tap that."

Izaya lightly touched Tom's face and before Tom could even process what was happening Shizuo was glaring most menacingly at him.

"I told you not to get it on with my boyfriend."

"He's the one hitting on me! Because you threw me at him!"

Rarely did Tom ever act angry toward Shizuo but this was an exception. Izaya hopped over to them.

"Let us leave Tom-san alone, come and play Shizu-chan~"

Tom took opportunity of the distraction and scampered away.

"You are all over Tom-san just now!"

Izaya tilted his head to the side very slightly. The very long hair swayed.

"I was teasing you."

"You bastard!"

"You know what you solve your anger? Hot sex. Namely, my doing you. Over and over."

"How the hell is that a solution?!"

"You'll just have to see~neh?"

"Don't you 'neh' me! No means NO means NO WAY."

"Shizu-chan, don't you want to improve as a top? Nothing works better for that than bottoming."

"Ah...no, don't care."

"Switchable partners is where the fun is at! Everyone likes it, versatility is the keyword here."

"Well I don't like it!"

"Playing hard to get, I see. That's so typical."

"I don't even!"

Izaya nodded.

"You should keep in mind, Shizu-chan, that the audience is still on the fence regarding my gender. The weave does not help. This is the perfect way of showing them once and for all that Izaya is a guy's name."

"You! I ain't letting you do perverted things to me, you hear?!"

"Why must you act like the typical reluctant bottom? You should know better by now. Besides, like it says in those Dr. Phil books you love so much, relationships are about compromise. 'Give and take'. In this case, you'll be doing the giving and I'll take care of the taking. Everyone wins."

"I thought you didn't read those books!"

"I read everything, Shizu-chan."

"You stay away!"

"My, it's almost as if you didn't trust me. It saddens me, Shizu-chan."

"Good!"

"But all I want is to show you my love."


	109. Chapter 109

"Love...?! Like I'd buy that! You just want to to, to, have your way with me, love's got nothing to do with it!"

Izaya sighed very deeply.

"Of course I want to have my way with you but love is most definitely involved. Or are you that a top can't love his bottom? Shizu-chan, does that mean you don't love me?"

"Eh, well- if you put it like that, of course I love you, but-"

"It seems to me that I love you way more than you love me. Which means that I've overcome our issues better than you did."

Shizuo flailed. Here was an approach he was not expecting.

"No way!"

"Oh yes. This means I'm the victim here."

"How!"

"I would tell you but I'm in too much emotional pain to convey it properly."

"What the...?!"

"Rejection causes emotional pain, Shizu-chan. Why do you hurt me like this?"

To make matters creepier Izaya's smile did not waver even as he went on about suffering.

"I'm hurting you?!"

"My heart, it bleeds..."

Shizuo was running out of options and considering tying Izaya up until he sobered up when Izaya took another step in his direction and collapsed on the stop. Shizuo had to pick him up.

"Oy, Izaya! Izaya! Can't believe you can fall asleep like this! Unbelievable!"

Unbelievable or not it was true. Shizuo had to carry Izaya to a nearby bedroom, muttering all the way but pleased that the situation had resolved itself without his having to do anything.

Shizuo was reconciled to just going to sleep on his own when Dr. Phil appeared out of nowhere as he was to do. And this time with an interpreter on tow.

"M'kay, whatever happened to watching the year's first sunrise together, huh? Huh? It's real important for you guys, am I right or am I right?"

"Yeah but Izaya is asleep,"

"Here I was, making it so you people can enjoy important events that mean a lot in your culture and do you guys appreciate it? Huh? All you got to do is wake him up."

"Ah...you're right!"

Shizuo decided on the spot that he could not at all let this opportunity slip and right away he stormed out. Izaya was still calmly sleeping. Shizuo could always resort to water but he had done that one too many times so he opted for something different. Shaking Izaya's futon he roared right into his ear,

"EARTHQUAKE!"

It worked like a charm. Izaya jumped on his feet in an instant and immediately ducked under a table.

"What are you doing standing there like an idiot? Hurry up and take cover!"

And so Shizuo found himself squeezed right next to Izaya under the table. Shizuo did not mind it, there was much touching involved and there was something pretty hot about being together in such a confined space like this. But Shizuo was beginning to feel about guilty, Izaya was in full alert mode and obviously fearful lest it turned out to be a big earthquake.

"Eh, I think it's over now."

"I'm waiting this one out. Aftershocks can be very dangerous as well."

"Ah...right."

By the look of it Izaya was planning on remaining as he was for the remaining of the night.

"That alcohol must be getting to me, normally I can sense earthquakes right away."

"Ah...you got like an earthquake detector sense?"

"Something to that effect."

"It's like the gaydar with the earthquakes."

"No. No, it's not. Seems like it's over now."

Izaya was most careful in creeping from under the table much to Shizuo's relief.

"You know, the sun should be rising right about now...since you're already awake I thought we could, you know, watch it together."

"Oh? Aren't you getting romantic now."

"You coming or not?"

"Fine. I might as well."

They settled on the porch as the sky grew lighter and the garden drifted from shadows into a clearer resolution. The sakura tree grew brightly pink.

"Woah, would you look at that...it's the first sunrise of the year."

Izaya yawned. He had a nasty headache.

"Yeah, yeah...believe it or not there's a dawn for every day."


	110. Chapter 110

"Japan's in that direction, right?"

Shizuo pointed to the East where the sun was becoming more visible by the second.

"Actually, it's closer if you go West."

"No way!"

"Yes, way. Geography is not your strongest point, is it? Forget I asked. Shizu-chan, we're in California. West of us is the ocean and then Japan. On the other hand, if you go East you need to cross all of America, the Atlantic Ocean, Europe, Asia and then you'll get to Japan."

"Yeah...kinda weird, thinking that Japan is West of us."

"'East' and 'West' are obviously relative points. So swim West, Shizu-chan! Swim back home, free Willie!"

"Man, you really gotta see the sunrise together to be a real couple."

"...which we aren't, by the way."

"Ah...I forget."

"Well don't forget. Ah, so hungry...I feel faint."

"Your all damn fault. Didn't eat the corndogs so you can starve, serves you right."

"Be a nice caveman and go forage some food while I wait here."

"You know what I miss? Mameshiba."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing. Just saying. Mameshiba is real cute."

"...good for it. Gah...this is the worse New Years ever, horrible way to start the year. The only good thing is that mind's a blank, can't recall exactly what happened last night. So? What the hell did happen? How come I feel like crap?"

Izaya slumped and closed his eyes.

"It's punishment for getting all drunk on me. And getting all weird on me, bloody scary."

"Shizu-chan, did you by any chance act on your beastly nature and vicious attack me as you are wont to do?"

Shizuo nearly choked out of sheer indignation.

"Me?! Attack you?! You're the one that tried to rape me!"

Izaya rolled his eyes that he finally bothered to open.

"Oh please, if you're going to accuse me at least come up with something vaguely believable."

"It's true! You tried to rape me! You were all ready to jump on me!"

"Right...as if. Why would I do that?"

"Hell if I know! Something about my ass being sexy,"

"As if. You give yourself way too much credit."

"Those were your words! Not mine!"

Shizuo's outrage was great.

"Calm down and stop shouting. I have a migraine."

"Serves you right."

"It may be best that I can't recall."

"They got it on the tape! They got everything on tape, it can prove I ain't lying!"

"Oh great, so now you're becoming a voyeur lover yourself."

"This isn't fair, when you want to prove shit you're all 'they got it on tape' but when it's me you suddenly change your tune!"

Shizuo's indignation escalated as it was wont to do when Izaya was involved.

"I have my reasons for accessing footage."

"I was seriously afraid for my life! And the worst part is, I bet if I was okay with it- it'd never happen but if, IF, if it did- you'd lose interest right away 'cuz it's gotta be rape with you!"

"Shizu-chan, I am done conversing with you until you display some inkling of rationality."

Shizuo flailed. At this point a Mameshiba popped from other the porch.

"Hey, did you know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?"

"Oh wow! Mameshiba-san, so great to meet you! Can I have your autograph?"

"Hey, did you know that Mameshiba don't have any limbs?"

Only now did Izaya even noticed the cutefied green mascot.

"What on Earth is that doing here?"

"Don't you be rude to Mameshiba-san. He came all the way from Japan just to meet us."

"Eh? Could have spared itself the trouble. And what you mean by 'he', how do you even know it's a guy?"

"Course I know, Mameshiba-san ain't a freak like you. You can always tell if they're Mr Mameshiba or Miss Mameshiba."

Izaya surveyed the mascot with narrowed eyes.

"It's not a freak? It's a cross between a dog and a bean. It is the very definition of freakish. No wonder you're a fan."


	111. Chapter 111

"Neh, did you know? Ginseng is believed to improve sexual prowess."

"Ginseng, huh...gonna get me some of that, you won't be complaining that I ain't good enough in bed!"

Shizuo shook a fist in the air, most angrily.

"Is there even any research behind this ginseng theory?"

"Didn't you just hear Mameshima-san? Mameshibas don't lie! It's probably difficult for you to understand honest people but they exist."

Izaya lifted an eyebrow.

"'People'? What people, it's a dog/bean...thing!"

"You take that back! Mameshiba ain't a dog, ain't a bean either, don't you know the song?"

"Do I want to know...?"

"The Mameshiba song!"

And Shizuo proceeded to sing it* in a sing-song manner, much to Izaya's horror. *[ watch?v=Bs6RJ7-6

MpQ]

"Shizu-chan...never, ever, ever sing. Ever. Is that understood?"

"Neh, did you know? Couples who marry young are more likely to get divorced."

Izaya had just about had it with this insanity.

"Dr. Phil! I know you can hear me, you Robotik wannabe. What's with this mameshiba deal? Surely your target audience doesn't even know about mameshiba."

"Man, that's too bad...the Americans need mameshiba."

"No. No they don't."

"Real glad I didn't marry you when we were younger, like Mameshiba-san says it wouldn't be good."

"For the last time we cannot get married, period, end of discussion."

"If Mameshiba-san was around when I was in school I'd get good grades."

"What, Mameshiba 'learns you good'?"

Shizuo missed the sarcasm altogether.

"Tells stuff and you remember. Unlike teachers."

"Let's replace all teachers with dog/bean hybrids, why don't we."

"Yeah!"  
>"Neh, did you know? Smoking makes your penis smaller when erect."<p>

Izaya burst out laughing.

"See, Mameshiba tells the truth! Right, Shizu-chan!"

"I don't have that problem."

"Hmm..."

"Don't you 'hmmm' me!"

Izaya knew very well that this was something he could always use to keep Shizuo on his toes.

"Neh, did you know? Men cry more after sex than women."

"I wouldn't terribly mind if you cried a bit after sex myself, actually."

And Izaya meant it too.

"Sadist, that's what you are."

"Neh, did you know? Did you know if you fancy someone, it's much harder to lie to them."

Mameshiba giggled evilly.

"That doesn't apply to Izaya, you can lie to right about everyone."

"Thank you."

"That's not a compliment!"

"But it does apply to you. 'It's milk'? Did you really think I'd buy that?"

"Didn't know how to explain...why are we dragging old stuff into this!"

"You keep bitching about how I had you shot, which I did not, and how I knifed you, and all that happened years ago."

"Well...yeah but it fucking hurts, trying to kill me."

"Try having vending machines thrown at you and then come back to me."

This could go on indefinitely. Mameshiba put an end to it:

"Happy New Year! Weeei..."

And so the show came to a conclusion.

*

Izaya sighed contently as he settled on the airplane's seat. He had finally removed the most cumbersome wig and for the first time in a while was back to his black pants and black shirt look. He had just boarded the private jet along with Shizuo.

"Man, can't believe we're going back already."

"Thank god, sure took long enough. Shizu-chan, I have this horrible feeling we've been frozen in time or something."

"Yeah. I'm gonna miss Dr. Phil."

"Well I won't. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to catch up on my beauty sleep."

Izaya strapped on his seatbelt, put on an eye mask, earplugs, covered himself with a fluffy blanket and proceeded to tune out the world. Leaving a rather miffed Shizuo who was not looking forward to a long flight with no banter. Then again Izaya would probably wake up at some point.

Shizuo flipped through a magazine that just so happened to feature a catalog of mameshiba goodies. This soothed him for the time being. He was hoping for some in-flight sexing later on. They had the jet all to themselves anyway.

Shizuo did not mean to fall asleep but he must have nodded off at some point. To his surprise the loudspeakers informed him that they had just arrived at their destination.


	112. Chapter 112

"Must've been more tired than I thought..."

Izaya jumped to his feet long before the sign for fastened seatbelts went off.

"Safe at last! Tokyo, I am back! I am so getting out of here as in right this instant!"

Izaya was a bit surprise to see that they had already docked and could indeed already leave. He expected a longer delay but chalked it down to this being a private jet. They made their way across the jet bridge without meeting a single person and reached a hall of sorts before the corridors branched away. Here Izaya frowned slightly and approached a sign.

"Hangul...did they forget to include signs in Japanese? Odd. Let's see, 'Welcome to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea'. Wait, that can't be right."

"Did they send us to Korea instead of Japan? We're in like, Seoul?"

Shizuo was very proud of remembering the name of a foreign capital and hoped Izaya would take note. But Izaya's frown needed even more and he re-read the sign under his breath.

"I'm sure that's what it says but it can't be right..."

"No big deal, we can check out Seoul before getting a plane back home. As in, in Seoul."

Shizuo stressed it again to no avail.

"Shizu-chan, according to this we're not in South Korea. We're in North Korea."

"Wah!"

Izaya turned around to check out the scenery behind a big window. So far he had not bothered with it, landing strips were boring anyway. What he saw, however, was not at all boring but shocking. A couple of planes were taxed, others were slowly making their way across their lanes. And they all had a North Korean flag on.

At this point Izaya's legs gave way. Luckily Shizuo caught him before he folded on the floor.

"Oy, Izaya!"

"Air Koryo...that's Air Koryo, North Korea's airlines. I don't know- but we're in North Korea."

Instinctively, Izaya found himself walking backwards but the jet bridge was already gone and so was their jet.

"Some kind of mistake?"

"It can't be a mistake! Do you think you can just accidentally end up in North Korea?! You can't! That bastard friend of yours send us to our death! We're dead!"

Izaya had enough sense to whisper despite his mounting despair and anger.

"Dr. Phil send us to North Korea?"

"Yes! What else could it be?"

"What for?"

"Who knows! Dramatic demise at the hands of the world's craziest regime is 'romantic'? It might boost audience rates. At any rate, we are officially screwed."

"Is that bad?"

"It's beyond bad! We're in North Korea, illegally, with no papers other than other Japanese passports...Japanese passports! We're enemy number two! It would only be worse if we were American but then again we did come from the States!"

Izaya was close to frantic now and Shizuo was beginning to catch the drift.

"North Korea, huh...so we can't just walk out and catch a plane home?"

Izaya threw up his hands in despair.

"It is virtually difficult to get out of North Korea! The moment the authorities find us we're doomed. We can't buy a ticket to Beijing as we have no papers to authorize us to enter North Korea in the first place. We won't even make it out of the airport without being detected, let alone find a way to negotiate the smuggling networks that get some people out...it's the end, Shizu-chan. They'll send us to a work camp where we'll slave for the rest of our lives."

Izaya sat on the floor and sobbed miserably.

"How about crossing over to South Korea?"

"How, Shizu-chan, how? Your hair stands out, 'look at me, I'm an outsider'. It's actually illegal to dye one's hair in North Korea. What do you suggest, we catch a ride to the DMZ?"

"Hmm...no big deal. You escape while I hold them back."

"Hold who back, the whole country?"

"I'll start some commotion, bunch of soldiers rush to detain me. You take the opportunity and run away. You're smart and speak some Korean, right?"

"I do not follow,"

"Sure you do. You can blend in, get to the DMZ, climb over a fence and hop over to the South. Doubt anyone can do it but this is you we're talking about. Bet you'll be eating kimchi at Seoul in no time."

Izaya got up slowly.

"Even if this were to work, what about you?"

Shizuo shrugged.

"Dunno."


	113. Chapter 113

"Shizu-chan, you may super strong but eventually they'll overwhelm with by sheer strength in numbers. And once they do, it's all over for you."

"Yeah. Guess you'll have to eat enough of that kimchi for the two of us."

Shizuo patted Izaya's head and right away Izaya slapped the hand away.

"Oh no you don't. I won't have you play martyr at my expense. This is how it's going to go down, Shizu-chan. Either we both get back to Japan safe and sound or none of us gets back. If push comes to shove we'll defect, it might buy us some time."

"Nah. Gotta get you back home."

Izaya was silent for a while.

"Do you expect me to enjoy anything in Tokyo if you're not there with me? It's not going to happen, Shizu-chan. We're in this together, for thick and thin, come hell or high fire my place is by your side."

The walls collapsed suddenly, nearly scaring Izaya to death who was already seeing the entire North Korean army out to get them. Shizuo immediately stepped forward, shielding Izaya.

To their surprise, before them stood a small crowd cheering them. It included Dr. Phil, Kasuka, Tom, Shinra, Shingen, Celty, Kururi, Mairu, Erika, Walker, Kadota, Kida, Mikado, Namie and even Aoba.

"What the...?"

Izaya's confusion was complete. Dr. Phil smirked and walked over to them.

"Mkay, that was a beautiful finale. Anyone can talk about love, but 'my place is by your side' when you guys think you're in North Korea, that's prime time television right there."

By now Izaya was realizing what was going on and he was not a happy camper.

"You tricked us!"

A tall chair was brought so that Dr. Phil could sit enthroned and leer down at Izaya.

"This isn't North Korea, we're in Narita, m'kay? We just changed the signs and put on different logos on the planes."

"You! You, you bastard!"

Izaya might have clawed at Dr. Phil's eyes had Shizuo not stopped him.

"Dunno what's going on but it looks like we're home."

"You're okay with that?!"

"No big deal."

Izaya begged to disagree and was in fact foaming at the mouth. He turned to Dr. Phil abruptly.

"And how did you understand what we were saying?"

"Mr. Tom translated."

Izaya glared death at Tom who busied himself looking away at some indistinct point in the distance.

"I will be having a word with 'Mr. Tom' later, rest assured of that."

Dr. Phil swept aside all this by leaning forward in his usual defiance for the force of gravity.

"Don't underestimate my audience, m'kay. They like mushy stuff for sure but tragedy makes it all the more interesting. It was a perfect television moment."

"You lied to us!"

Dr. Phil actually winked and said,

"Just as planned."

By now Izaya had worked himself to a pitch of frantic hysteria that became confusion and even awe as everyone began to clap at the same time, giving Izaya the very disturbing feeling he had become Shinji and this was the final episode of Evangelion.

And thus a surreal experience culminated in a paroxysm of epic proportions.

* * *

><p>Izaya pulled down the hat and adjusted his sunglasses. He grabbed the glossy magazine and hurried out of the convenience store as soon as he could. Izaya walked very fast, his eyes glued to the concrete pavement. The Dr. Phil show, now dubbed in Japanese, was playing in apparently endless loop in the many television screens all over the city. So much for going back to business as usual, Tokyo proved to be every bit as Dr. Phil infested as America, much to Izaya's absolute horror.<p>

He only relaxed slightly once he reached a lonesome corner of a small park where Shizuo was waiting. He too was wearing a hat but did not seem to concerned as he pored over a letter. Izaya flung the letter at Shizuo.

"Look at that! We're on the cover! And look! A whole article on 'Is homo the new trend? Shizaya fans speak!" Shizaya! What! The!"

"Yeah. Guess we're famous now."

Izaya took a few deep breaths in order to calm himself.

"Why are you so nonchalant about this?"

"Dunno what that means. Anyway, Martha-san sent me a letter. Translate."


	114. Chapter 114

Shizuo handed him the letter.

"Just what do you think I am? Your servant?"

"You know English, so translate. Be nice for a change, won't kill you."

"Fine. I should charge you for this, just so you know. 'Dear Shizuo,' eh…look at that, already on given name basis. Isn't that sweet."

"American ladies are like that, they go for given names right away. No honorifics either."

"Yay… 'I hope everything is well. I must say, I am worried about your boyfriend', wait is that me?"

"Course it's you."

"At times like this, I hate my life. Why don't you just ask Tom-san to translate it for you?"

"Can't seem to reach him, dunno where he is either."

"Ah…that's too bad."

Tom had had it. After so many threats, veiled and otherwise, and such an onslaught on his sanity, he had simply taken off and was currently relaxing in a small town by the sea into which he had tossed his cell phone.

"You gonna translate it?"

"Fine, I might as well. 'I hope everything is well. I must say, I am worried about your boyfriend. He is so thin, does he eat properly?' For the last time, I'm not 'thin', I'm 'lithe and elegant'."

"Told you, skin and bones."

"'I've included in this letter a family recipe. It's a hearty, homely stew that you can make for your pretty boyfriend.' At least the lady has the sense of recognizing my prettiness."

"Stew! Carry on!"

"Why are you getting so excited? 'This is an easy recipe and I include step-by-step instructions. Just remember that the most important thing is cooking from the heart. Love, Martha'."

Shizuo actually wiped a tear.

"Man, such a nice lady…time for stew!"

"Why?"

"Cuz it's the right thing to do. You got a big kitchen, I'll use that."

"Did you forget the cake fiasco? I forbid you from ever cooking again."

"Martha-san's instructions will help. Gotta buy the ingredients."

"What, now?"

"Yeah!"

And Shizuo was already on his feet and revving to go.

"Hold your horses. The idea is to keep a low profile."

"Can't buy groceries and stuff?"

"I understand your little brother so much better now. Erika started a 'Shizaya blog'!"

"Yeah, says she's glad you're back to looking like a guy now but I dunno, I kinda liked the big ass wig."

"Wait, you've been reading her blog?"

"It's kinda hard to keep track of stuff, she updates it like every two hours."

Izaya's bafflement was great.

"Since when do you even know how to use the internet?"

"It's like the gay, you gotta learn about it. Then it's all good. Speaking of the gay, give me that."

Izaya was still holding the glossy magazine. Shizuo took it from him and flipped through the pages.

"The internet is like 'the gay'. You can't make this stuff up, really."

"Woah, found it! They answered my question. Lemme see what they say."

Izaya narrowed his eyes.

"Don't tell me you sent a question to the love advice column?"

"Didn't know what to do. Here's my letter, 'I went on this trip with my boyfriend and the sex was real hot but now that we're back he's all miffed and won't let me do stuff. What should I do?'"

Izaya was mid-face palmed when suddenly something came to him.

"I just had an idea."

"You wanna do it here? I don't mind, brought a few of these."

And Shizuo produced a long string of condoms. Izaya wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"Curb your enthusiasm, please. Just listen to me."

* * *

><p>Izaya smiled his best camera ready smile as Dr. Phil descended from a helicopter hovering above the stage that had been built right in front of Ikebukuro station. The big man was mounted on one of his massive chairs that landed with plenty of pomp. A large crowd had gathered and huge screens mounted on tall buildings showed what was going on stage.<p>

A makeshift open air studio had been arranged. Izaya and Shizuo sat on tallish chairs themselves but were dwarfed by Dr. Phil's gigantic one.

"M'kay, we're back for a follow-up on Relationship Rescue. Right here in Tokyo, Japan."

Izaya's smile grew even wider as he winked to the many cameras, barely giving Dr. Phil interpreter time to translate.

"Best city in the whole world, make sure to visit us!"


End file.
